I'm the Anon you replied to
I told my therapist what I said in the post amd she said it's just depression making me have low motivation. She also said that by keeping suicide as a Plan B, I'm less willing to do the hard stuff to improve my life.
Idk if it'll help you or anyone else, but I'm gonna contemplate this.
It is true that I will do dumb stuff like eat junk food and think "well I'm gonna die soon anyway, so let's eat shitty food" and the junk food makes me feel worse. I'm gonna try pretending death is not an option at all, and that no matter what I have to stay alive for several more years, and see if that helps me make better choices.
Hopefully this helps someone else.