Take with a grain of salt. A quick critique of the excerpt, focusing on the comedy:
Opening sentence starts decent, but the next paragraph avoids the question it raises. Instead of being shown why
Cassius can stand before Sylvar unscathed, the reader is informed of what
the two look like and the extent of their prowess. The visual cues (war medals, god in skull) seem to put them on par with one another. Cassius brags about being able to pwn Sylvar if he wanted to, and that's it. No explanation of how Sylvar would react to someone setting his castle and self aflame, if he could. The second paragraph inelegantly lumps their physical attributes together, and portrays Cassius as someone with false modesty.
> pacing + verbosity
The most glaring issue.>Cassius stiffens, but doesn’t reply to that. He tries to continue his original point. “It took us, a month. To set up the valley. It was more than just shiny grass. It was a masterwork of blessings.”
Could be cut to:>Cassius stiffens. “It took us a month. To set up the valley. It was more than just shiny grass. It was a masterwork of blessings.”
Him dodging the remark and moving on can be inferred in the dialog.
The anon above has a point about simplifying dialog markers. They interfere with the punchlines' strength and the pacing. Read the piece aloud with a metronome of the desired pace, and kill 'em darlings.
Writing witty or sarcastic characters ultimately rely upon comedy to succeed, hence the umbrella term. With those parameters in mind, Sylvar's humor falls flat. His style is interrupting Cassius, insulting his race, and mocking his heritage. Furthermore, the wordplay or insight that provides a satiric charm to these tropes is scant. He reads more asshole than roguish trickster. His partner in the scene, Cassius, want to get on with the plot and doesn't engage in Sylvar's derailing. When he does, he's cut off upon uttering his first word. That isn't funny. That's shutting someone down. It's only funny to the person enacting it.
Humor's a difficult muscle to develop without resorting to "Just keep going at it!"
platitudes…but yeah, get gud. Keep failing, and more importantly, keep trying. Plenty of resources out there, in videos and novels. Deconstruct the lines and actions of your favorite characters, and their chemistry and interactions with others.
The character's action cues flow smoothly. There's intelligence in the style that seem to function better in the descriptions. From their vocabulary, telling apart Cassius and Sylvar from one another is easy.
There was no description of the throne room they were in, which made it difficult to visualize the mise en scène.
IMO asking for advice this early for the whole piece is a pitfall for the inner editor, unless it's already completed. However, asking advice about the comedy and character chemistry should be asked as early as possible, for R&D. Thanks for being brave enough to post about your work. I hope you take the best from these critiques and improve in your writing.