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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 15326

So what do y'all feel about non-monogamy? Open relationships, swinging, whatever y'all wanna call it.

Anonymous 15327

Degenerate shit

Anonymous 15331

I hate it. People can do what they want though.

Anonymous 15332

Who cares?
A lot of people around me (anecdotes, I know) want to be in "open" relationships, that's just code for "afraid to commit" tho.
At the end of the day its their business as to who and how they date, as long as they're not roping you into it I don't see why it warrants notice.

Anonymous 15333

If it's three people or more :^) all copping off together, then I get it and I'm fine with it, but I can't imagine wanting something like that myself. When it's one person with two partners who aren't involved with each other it feels icky and the Louis Theroux doc I'm watching literally right now isn't convincing me otherwise.

Anonymous 15341

It's none of my business, as adults they can do whatever they want as long as it's consensual. But I always think they won't last much or that they're just afraid to commit and don't love each other as they say they do.

Anonymous 15347

Not into it for myself at all because I get almost too devoted.
But I'm fine with it catching on since it weeds out the polys from the dating pool.

Anonymous 15353

I let my s/o shag other people but I don't. Mostly when I see it, it's due to a couple trying to re-kindle a dying relationship, or one person just losing interest.

Anonymous 15360

Why does the guy in OP look so uncomfortable?

Anonymous 15362

Ideally it seems as a new ways to explore relationships with emotionally mature people, also there's obviously different levels to it, I don't feel like swingers are as serious into the non-monogamy deal as poly

Now in reality I've seen ugly girls or with low self esteem giving their boyfriends free reign because they're afraid of losing the relationship lol I've also heard from friends that tried poly relationship break up because they feel left out/ too much drama, I don't think most people can have a poly relationship that's actually healthy

Anonymous 15363

Yeah. I think a lot of people think of it like this
>I suck at monogamous relationships.
>Therefore I should be in a poly relationship.
When in reality, if you can't navigate the emotional complexity of a relationship with two people, you definitely can't handle three people, let alone more.

Anonymous 15368

I feel that i'd be in this situation, and would enjoy other people entertaining my SO (less work for me, lol), but he's too asocial to meet other people. I offer to go out with him, and he's into the idea, butnit never seems to work. Any thoughts?

Anonymous 15370

As odd as it may sound, i'd like another committed fem in my relationship. I honestly have this weird fantasy of her making babies and we all take care of them. I've got some health problems that prevent me from having kids. But if SO and i could have kids with someone that we both like, that would be amazing.

Anonymous 15385

Ruins relationships, encourages selfish pleasure seeking behavior, and I can't think of a faster way to ruin your kids' mental wellbeing than trying to raise children in that kind of environment.

Anonymous 15395

There's always one person who is less into it than the other person. I think it causes a lot of resentment in relationships, every person I know irl in that sort of relationship has some kind of mental illness and their relationships never last long.

Anonymous 15438

Would you actually be into the idea, or is it more of a 'I think he'd like it so I'll let him do it' scenario? I hear of a lot of people pulling their bf along this idea as a test, so he may be a bit wary. Some guys actually want nothing to do with it, which is fine too. My bf wanted absolutely nothing to do with it at first, but eventually it grew on him. Honestly I'd be a bit more worried if he jumped on the idea asap. Whatever you do, go super slow and make sure you're communicating a lot.
I concur actually. I always wondered how kids with poly relationship parents turned out. From what I can tell in Mormon situations, it's more like being raised by a single mom and a visiting father who had/started another family. But I'm not sure about like a group that is all lovey dovey on each other.

Anonymous 15454

I hate polyamory. Sounds like a a way for men to fuck as much as they want without consequences.

Anonymous 15463

I don't think polyamory as a concept is bad. I think monogamy is just something we decided as a society is the "norm" but it doesn't mean that other kind of relationships are "wrong". I think marriage is ridiculous because it was done for financial, political and as a way to control women and most modern marriages done "for love" statistically fail so I don't know why that would be what we set as a standard. In the 21st century we should be able to have all kind of relationships and the fact that polyamory is on the rise is a sign that we're getting further away from the traditional, archaic marriage practices. I think it's possible though to "make it work" in the same way people make two-person relationships "make it work", it's just you've more people to mediate with.

That being said, the only people I've seen practicing polyamory are always toxic af and in abusive relationships where polyamory is only suggested as another abuse tactic. They're almost always tumblrina types who think it's modern and progressive. They post online about how their 5 person non-binary, otherkin, demisexual, ddlg relationship is amazing and they're proving the haturz wrong but I honestly would love to be a fly on the wall when they're not posting on social media and taking happy family selfies.

Anonymous 15465

I think it can work, but in less cases than poly people are willing to admit.
Me and my partner are technically in an open relationship (=one night stands allowed sort of deal), but neither of us has had any opportunity in the last few years and with our low sex drives we might never even act out on it.

I'm willing to admit it was a bad idea if it turns out to be a disaster, but so far I'm keeping my mind open.

Anonymous 15472

>I think marriage is ridiculous because it was done for financial, political and as a way to control women
This is very naive, especially when you consider that polyamory is the natural order, or rather the top percentage of men taking all the women. Marriage is about controlling men as much as it is about controlling women, and it's for the good of us all.

Anonymous 15474

There's also the fact that, from a strictly baby making point of view, men get a lot more out of polygamy.

Anonymous 15475

It's interesting as a concept but it's way harder than monogamy

I made a very bad experience with a poly dude. Looking back, he was just avoidant, narcissistic, manipulative and immature. He fucking shattered my heart and made me feel like it was my fault, surpressing all his feelings, living in fear of love and projecting. I'm still recovering from that, so it's not for me.

I think the only good examples are like decades-long marriages that are open but with clear rules and great commitment.
But they are rather the exception to the rule. A shining light on a shitpile mountain of human garbage.

Most people who are drawn to poly stuff have something pathologically wrong with them

Anonymous 15476

I don't really care if other couples do it that way if they like it.

My ex has been really pushy about that but only he would be allowed to have multiple partners because he "loved me so much". He told me he was talking with girls who were ok with that situation and I should do it too.
I wasn't ok with that and left.

Anonymous 15488

>most modern marriages done "for love" statistically fail
Not true, the majority of American marriages do not fail. Unless you've already been divorced, in which case you're more and more likely to divorce again.

The modern divorce rate is also the lowest it's ever been since the 70's, and continues to decline.

Anonymous 15489

Awww. I didn't know this, that makes me happy.

Anonymous 15525

You made the right decision, people who entertain thoughts like that aren't ready for committed relationships.

Anonymous 15654

IMO open relationships are not real relationships. Why be "official" with someone when you will be riding other guys' dicks at the same time? Just be single, period.

Anonymous 15688

I feel curious about it but my fiance is not OK with it so that's that. He and our love are worth not being able to hook up with randos. I'm bi and I wish I could act on my sexual chemistry with attractive men and women I meet at bars, as friends, etc. It does feel limiting and sort of arbitrary, but I also see how it could get very tricky, very fast. :\

Anonymous 15702

>man is the one not into it
That's new to me.

Anonymous 15707

Not in a million years, would dump the person who asked me to do it

Anonymous 15718

>my fiance
>I wish I could act on my sexual chemistry with attractive men and women I meet at bars, as friends, etc.
Poor guy.

Anonymous 15729

If my fiance said he wanted that I'd probably break up with him, it would hurt me a lot.

Anonymous 15731

Oh come on. They had a honest discussion, he said no and she respected it, outright saying that she values having him more than some randos. That's what we all do right? Consider our options and then pick one.

Anonymous 15740

Surely you get that it goes beyond that right? Like you get that if your partner asked if they could bang your friend, them respecting you saying no isn't the big issue, that they asked it at all is the big issue and can (should) be upsetting. She just informed dude that she's interested in banging strangers (assuming she actually asked him instead of just gleaning his values); he now knows where her interests truly lie and a person with self-respect may end it all right then.

Anonymous 15742

I do and I would be mad if he worded it like that. But there's a difference between "hey your friend is hot, mind if I bang her?" and "listen, I've been reading into ethical non-monogamy and I find the idea interesting, some of the points seem to have some weight, some I'm not so sure about. What's your take on the matter, ever heard of it, ever considered it?"
Honest discussions are healthy. I'm sure she didn't just drop it on him like that. Or maybe she did and I'm sticking out for a wrong person.

Besides, banging a close friend would be really dumb, even in a proper non-monogamous relationship, I give you that.

Anonymous 15751

I'd only be into it if everyone in the relationship truly, honestly loved each other. I don't care about what other people do.

Anonymous 15832


My parents do something like this 'polyamory' stuff (luckily it only started after I had already moved out)
Not sure exactly how you'd describe it but basically my dad lets my mother sleep with other women however they call it 'momentum swinging' which means if she fucks 4 men in a week other than him and only 3 men the next week, she loses momentum and has to stop for a week. It seems really weird to me. they are both in their 60s. the weirdest part about it that my dad fucking loves it. he gets mad if she loses momentum. sometimes if she is a few hours from fucking less guys than last week he will drive her to the spa and health club they attend and try to arrange for sex from some old boomers or whoever happens to be up for it. also keeps a drawing of a speedometer on the wall that has numbers of men rather than miles per hour, currently it is set to 5 men per week.

Anonymous 15833

Damn, your dad's a literal cuck.

Anonymous 15836

Is… this a joke? This literally sounds like a joke XD.
THere is no way your dad actually has a drawing of a speedometer he keeps pinned to the fridge to let his wife know how many guys she has to fuck this week.

Anonymous 15837

My condolences.

Anonymous 15855

wake me up inside

Anonymous 15918

This makes me so glad my parents are normal.

Anonymous 16148


Polygamy is, genetically, good for 100% of women and like 10-20% of men.

Anonymous 16159


>In a 2014 demography report, Kennedy and Ruggles write that rather than decreasing, the divorce rate in the US has been steadily increasing for the past 30 years.

>However, according to the Pew Research Center, Divorce rates have dropped 21% among those aged 25-39—from 30 in 1,000 to 24 in 1,000.

>Unfortunately, it is difficult to pinpoint whether the divorce rate is increasing or decreasing because:

>Some studies measure the divorce rate based on the number of divorces per every 1,000 people married. Others measure base it on a percentage of the total population. Still others base it on the number of divorces in a particular segment of the population.

>Many sources of statistics use the government census as the basis of their data, but all people in the US are not counted in the census. Other sources of statistics may be based on surveys conducted in a sampling of the population where people have the ability to bias their answers.

>However, we can agree on a relative estimate of the percentage of marriages that will end in divorce, which is high in the US.

>Steve Sweeney, a representative for the National Survey of Family Growth, estimated in 2012 that the lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce is 40%-50%. Today, most experts agree with that prediction.

>The census reports that the US is among the 10 countries with the highest divorce rates in the world.

Personally, I think cheating wouldn't be a problem or even exist if relationships weren't centred around sex. Sex appeal and emotions all just stem from the impression our physical bodies have on our subconscious. Relying on instincts can prove fatal as our more primal systems have been ruthlessly exploited by modern society. Consider heavily processed food, porn for guys, social media, cults, and so on. There’s always profit to be made and power to be gained by targeting human vulnerabilities, which is why we can’t always trust our feelings and emotions to point us in the right direction. Someone ruled by their emotions, if manipulated well, could be made to betray everyone they hold dear without a second thought. The guys who are most attractive, i.e. who manipulate girls into falling for them for sex, have a pretty large pool to pick from and will most likely dump you as soon as someone more attractive comes along. Marital relationships founded upon the unstable ground of sex and sexuality are inherently weak and tend to collapse once the partners get bored of one another. On the other hand, true love is quite distant and distinct from anything sexual. The best way to describe it is as an action and deep desire of company and charity. Have you ever felt genuinely charitable, rather than put upon to give in order to maintain a positive self image? Anyways, the point of all this being that seeking sex in companionship is fruitless and only leads to infidelity.

Anonymous 16165

Looking at it from a nature vs nurture aspect the harm of being raised by a single parent outweighs the positives of being the son of the best looking male though.

Anonymous 16168

Jesus… If my parents were like that I would disown them.

Anonymous 30333

>I'm bi and I wish I could act on my sexual chemistry with attractive men and women I meet at bars, as friends, etc. It does feel limiting and sort of arbitrary
This marriage is totally going to last, lmao

Anonymous 30338

I thought my parents were shit because my dad hired a prostitute and my mom fucks men on her sports team during the weekend… yours takes the cake though

Anonymous 30342

If people can pull it off, more power to them, but I think it's a mistake to sell it as a cure to the problems of modern monogamy. Even if you change your lifestyle, you can only change yourself so much, and you'll still have the same needs and flaws that you would have in any other system.

From a personal standpoint I briefly considered dating a poly person as a training wheels relationship because I wouldn't have the pressure of being someone's one and only, but dating 'into' an entire group where my business becomes the proxy business of who knows how many other people is itchy to me. I like my privacy, and having a 'private' relationship feels more safe to me. Also I just don't get along with that many people to begin with, so putting up with who knows how many by proxy sounds iffy.

Anonymous 30356

I don't understand how it's different than being single

Anonymous 30369


When you’re single you don’t have anymore who feels romantic love for you. With poly you have multiple people who feel that for you.

Anonymous 30374

>But there's a difference between "hey your friend is hot, mind if I bang her?" and "listen, I've been reading into ethical non-monogamy and I find the idea interesting, some of the points seem to have some weight, some I'm not so sure about. What's your take on the matter, ever heard of it, ever considered it?"
One is upfront about being a scumbag and the other is a self-righteous, pompous ass?

Anonymous 30383


how is it self-righteous to bring up something like that? that's a pretty normal way to talk to other people.

Anonymous 30390

Not for me personally. I would never outwardly criticize someone for it, but internally I am judging them and I think their must be something psychologically wrong with them. Like they are in that immature "experimental" phase and it probably won't last. I've seen crazier things, though so whatever. I just can't understand it myself, but everyone's different.

Anonymous 30429

I mean I should hope anon doesn't word it exactly like that, but it is an improvement.

Personally I think, if you have to be non-monogamous, it's better to just agree upon it from the beginning rather than trying to change the terms of a formerly monogamous relationship because it's failing or you're bored or whatever the reason may be.

Anonymous 30435

Yeah anon I'd rather the first tbh. The second is just saying the same thing in a more wishy washy way.

Anonymous 30481

In theory I have no problem with it, or people who want to do it - assuming that everyone within the tangle consents and comprehends the whole thing.

Problem is that all the poly people I've met bar one have been awful people.
We're talking 'coercing people into being poly when they absolutely arent', we're talking 'not making it clear to people that they're engaging in poly stuff and leaving one partner thinking theyre in a mono relationship whilst the poly is off fucking a dozen people a week'.
We're talking 'trying to shame people who arent poly for being controlling or backwards or hateful just beucase they dont want to be in a relationship with six people at once'.
The only one I've met who didn't pull all this was still a bad person via a whole hell of a lot of cheating on partners.

So yeah.
In theory it's nice, but in practice I've yet to encounter anyone doing it who isnt a humongous cunt.
Anecdotes gonna anecdote, I know, but still.
And if my partner asked me to try it out I'd have left the relationship by the end of the conversation.

Anonymous 30551

im in a poly relationship
bf is dating me and another guy. im bi, bf is bi, other guy is gay. we are in a v relationship (bf-guy, bf-me) and are not willing to date anyone else. me and other guy arent together but were very good friends. we all live together. ama

Anonymous 30594

But that isnt true. You can be dating someone and have romantic feelings

Anonymous 30599

Aren’t you worried about diseases

Anonymous 30601

Are you happy?
Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?

Anonymous 30626

No, none of us fucks strangers

>Are you happy?
I am, very

>Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?

Romantically, I don't see how anything would change. Me and bf are in the process of getting married, and his bf is okay with that, and never wanted to get married anyway. Children aren't in the picture, but if we become parents, we wouldn't hide relationship from them - it's just like any other relationship, and if children can understand a short explanation of physics, they'll understand how people love each other

Anonymous 30629

I tried this shit in high school, at the height of tumblr dangerhair bat shittery. It's just something you do to either because,

A. You want to be hip and with it
B. Your partner is going to leave you and you want to make them stay somehow so you offer it to appease them
C. You're not Western
D. You don't get enough out of a monogamous relationship, though arguably that would suggest you are in an incompatible relationship

Anonymous 30630

Please read books on parenting before you ever have children. I hope you don't though.

Anonymous 33295

Except for a small amount of people that make it work somehow or if it's just the cultural norm where said people are from.

I'm generally wary of anyone that wants to try for non-monogamy. It's generally code for "won't commit/has trust issues," or a specific type of needy codependent person that needs validation and attention 24/7. Rarely do non-monogamous relationships last long, because hey, drama occurs even with just one partner; with more partners the potential for drama increases exponentially. What also usually happens is that someone's "nesting partner" (the #1 primary partner) while the other people they date/hook up with are just akin to consensual side hos, or that the person doesn't have a stable nesting partner, and just keeps jumping from one partner to another. This usually happens for codependents or those with abandonment issues, with a mindset of having multiple "back-up" lover's if one leaves.

Another issue is if some people in the non-monogamous relationship break up, then it becomes messy for the rest of the people in the relationship that /weren't/ broken up with. Like say, A,B, and C are in a triad relationship, A and C break up with each other but both still love B. An awkward situation.
Filiation is also an issue, like if you get pregnant with a boyfriend/fuck buddy's child while already having a husband, who is the father? Who pays child support?
Will your husband have a role in raising the child, or will it be solely up to you and your boyfriend? Live in the same house or visitation rights? What if you and the boyfriend break up, or you and your husband divorce? Etc etc and other situations like that. Tbh what a fuckin pain. Blegh, non-monogamy also doesn't solve of issues like lack of communication, jealousy, and even cheating, like if there was an agreement between 7 people that they'll only date among them, taking an 8th person is cheating.

Or, the most degenerate of all, are "harem seekers" /"spinning plates" practice that basically try to manipulate multiple partners (usually women) into being a harem of steady fuck buddies/pseudo-girlfriends, with none of the commitment. He NEVER will, despite dangling hopes of marriage or even just being official. I would strongly advise against you ever being involved in a harem situation like this, very dehumanizing, and reeks of desperation + lack of self-respect. Rando's #1 concubine out of 5 is hardly an enviable position.

You also have to note that non-monogamy isn't as sexy and cool as shown in fiction and pornography. The vast majority of people engaging in non-monogamy don't look like supermodels, but average people navigating the unsexy sides of non-monogamy too like interpersonal conflict.

before me and my bf became "serious" it was like an open relationship casual thing.

I don't recommend it; I was naive and honestly my bf has some of the traits I was talking about earlier. Because of non-monogamy and how it put a rift in our relationship, until now I still have extremely little trust in him. It's something that only sounds good in theory but is pretty hellish in practice, except for like the 5% of people that make it work. Like supporting one partner is enough already, then try imagining juggling three or more of that. Shit, that's already like another full-time job.

TL;DR non-monogamy sucks for the vast majority of people and isn't as sexy and cool irl

Anonymous 33303

Anonymous 33304

What made you choose to stay with him, even after seeing the non-monogamous 'side'?

Anonymous 33305

After talking about it we agreed to be exclusive ever since.
I stayed with him because I was naive and didn't know better. I was young at the time and he was my first boyfriend. I really wanted it to work instead of breaking up. It ended up working out-ish and we're still together now because we've both matured since the non-monogamy thing years ago, but I still do not trust him.

Now being older and having relationship experience though, if he or a subsequent partner asks to do the non-monogamy thing, I would nope the fuck out of there immediately. I will never put myself through that again.

Anonymous 34099

Anonymous 34101

wrong. it's the result of a society that's far too sexually liberated. the 70s sexual revolution was a mistake.

Anonymous 34102

at least one person is bound to get jealous and unhappy unless there's legit cuckoldry involved

from what I've seen though the people in open relationships typically aren't the most stable or mindful people anyway so maybe it doesn't make a difference for them if it's a complete mess

Anonymous 34129

I think open relationships are fine, but I can't imagine poly relationships working well at all. Imagine all the work involved, who tf has time for that?

Anonymous 34130

I don't know…I like the idea of it but I know I'd just get super jealous

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