/feels/ - To suicide or not to suicide?
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0F71B554-4795-4F55…

To suicide or not to suicide? Anonymous 17525

I am obese (over 100 kilograms), ugly, unhygienic, mentally ill (untreated even though I went to the psychologist but I will tell you later), unpleasant to be around with (even my so called online friends talked shit about me behind my back - i cut off contact with them though), and incredibly naive and dumb.
So, to fix all these problems I went to the psychologist for YEARS. But they didn‘t help me, or barely did. Or it didn‘t help me because I am incurable. I am the type of bitch to not shower for weeks and be okay with it, because I don‘t care honestly. Today i ate like shit, my mom didn‘t cook for me and I am not allowed to cook for myself so I warmed up some canned meat (no bread or anything just the meat) and even though it tasted like literal shit, I still ate it because I was hungry and literally don‘t give a shit about the taste of my food. I am fat because I eat a lot of it, but the taste of the food I eat is literal garbage and has been garbage for some time (4 years). I recently went to school for adults to redo high school since I am too stupid to not have been able to graduate high school MANY years ago, literally. My mom paid me a lot so I could go to university, but I failed all of the times in the past 4-5 years. I know I should go to trading school since that is where retards like me go but community college level 2 didn‘t accept me back when I was 16 and I didn‘t want to go to community college in my town because I was heavily bullied in my first year. (Yes i did the lowest level of community college/trading school).
Obviously, I didn‘t have ANY friends EVER in my life. Nor did I ever had some fun, except going to mc donalds. Yes these are the exciting things I do in my life. I never went to starbucks either, even though i really want to. But the only food thingies where I go to are ghetto shit like mc donalds and shit. I wanted to go to some concerts on my own but my mom told me it‘d be better if I‘d lose weight, make some friends and graduate my adult high school, which I will never do anyways. So I won’t ever have fun in my life. I got in my first semester only Fs. And I missed an important math exam today which I was supposed to redo. I only do this year three subjects, maths, chemistry and biology. And next year i was supposed to get the rest of my diploma. I wanted to complain about my mom since she didn’t want to help me today with my homework, but honestly looking back I don’t have the right to complain. I was a pretty shitty daughter. I say was because I really want to end things. Anyways this fat whore wanted to die ever since she was 8 years old and literally has no reason to continue to live. I fail at everything, probably have borderline personality disorder/some other kind of evil personality disorder because I lie a lot since i‘m embarassed by my past. Except now of course, now I am telling the truth since I‘m anonymous anyways. Anyways the point is…I don‘t want to live and if you‘re reading this/making fun of me now give me one reason why I deserve to live, because honestly I don‘t. I feel like I am a burden to society and if I don‘t end myself, I feel I‘ll probably do an Elliot Rodger. I am serious, I feel like I can snap any time. The world has not been kind to me but it isn‘t to anyone, so why do I have the right to fail so much at everything?
>inb4 i‘m not trying my best
I literally went to the hospital to volunteer, but they said fuck off after ONE day just because my social skills aren‘t the best. But i wanted to improve them by volunteering.
t. Crazy fat dumb bitch who probably posted this in the wrong board and has been wallowing in her own shit since she was 11

Anonymous 17526

I had untreated depression for over a decade, at some point in my life I weighed over 100kg too. I was sexually molested and grew up in a crazy household and didn't have any friends for most of my life. I failed senior year in hs because of that, and had to NEET for a year.

Things can get better though. Things started to change at the age of 25 for me, things that I'd never expect to achieve and receive like getting a college degree, and someone who loves me deeply. So don't give up. I have failed suicide attempts in the past, and I know how you feel, truly. It seems like it's the end, but it's never really the end unless you want it to be. Even if you're tired, and I know you are, do not give up just yet. Start slow with things you CAN change. I'd say to work on your eating habits first as it can have a dramatic effect on your overall health, including your self esteem, even if you're not losing weight at a fast pace. It is something simple that you can start doing slowly, and will make you want to do more to improve yourself. It was the first step I took.

I hope my comment can help you a bit. I know not every situation is the same, but I believe you can change things for the better if you try since you know what your problems are.

Good luck!!

Anonymous 17527

>>17526
I am so glad for you. What did you study?
T-thanks for reading my garbage.

Anonymous 17528

You can change the unhygienic and obese part I promise! No need to suicide when you can improve your life instead, have you tried keeping a food journal to get a sense of how much you really eat in a day? Or joining a gym? Do you have anywhere to jog or exercise in relative privacy?

Anonymous 17529

>>17528
Tbh as weird as it may sound, I don’t give a shit about me being obese and unhygienic as much as me being dumb. I want to pass my school.

I know I should lose weight too but does anyone have any tips for me to pass my high school if anyone here has done adult high school classes? Keep in mind I failed first semester.

Anonymous 17530

>>17528
Also I did all of that, but as always I fail and can’t keep it up. I went to a dietician but it didn’t help. I have a food addiction. I eat much less than before though.

Anonymous 17531

>>17527
You're welcome. Teaching.

Anonymous 17533

>>17525
>I feel like I am a burden to society and if I don‘t end myself, I feel I‘ll probably do an Elliot Rodger.
Pulling an Elliot is meaningless without a well-written manifesto, though.

Anonymous 17534

>>17533
I suck at writing I lack his charms

Anonymous 17535

>>17529
Obesity can make you feel depressed and out of it, personally when I gain weight I never want to do anything but sleep and I get lazy. If school is your first priority that's also important. I dropped out of high school and got my GED so I took adult night school classes for that, they're usually easier than regular classes if that helps. All I had to do was busy work essentially.

Anonymous 17536

>>17535
I’m doing that too. Yet I still have a hard time. What should I do?
Also I know, I need to fix my weight.

Anonymous 17537

>>17536
About your weight? If you're someone that likes eating large amounts of food like I do, try less calorie dense but nutrient rich foods preferably with a lot of fiber. Oatmeal or 2 eggs for breakfast keeps me full about half the day, for lunch/dinner maybe quinoa and chicken with veggies. Light exercise like taking a short 20-30 min walk a day should help as long as you fix your diet. I'm surrounded by sweets right now and I hate it, I also gain weight easily holidays suck!

Anonymous 17538

>>17537
No I’m talking about school, I go to High school for adults, but thank you for the tip about the food!

Anonymous 17547

Try and see if you can get a supplementary exam for your maths test you missed, maybe try get a note from your psychologist, I'm sure he/she might be able to help you. If you do get a second chance, don't screw it up. Please, I want to see you pass that test and get your diploma.

I don't see why anyone would laugh at you for this. Everyone has their own struggles to overcome, anyone who does laugh at this is likely just using it to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities. Ignore them.

Studying can be easier if you find a reason to study the subject. It could be pure interest, it could be that you think it's very important, whatever it is, find it, and treat it like you're exploring a new universe. If that doesn't work, then just fill yourself with fear of failure so that you bust your ass and pass the exam. These were my approaches in highschool and university, the third of the options I found to be most useful lmao

I'm sorry you were bullied, but you're an adult now, surely people aren't going to bully you anymore. I think you should focus on hygiene and study first, and weight second. I know you don't care about hygiene but it'd be easier to make friends if you didn't smell, and this is coming from someone who's very self conscious on how she smells. Being overweight isn't much of an issue, only an asshole would be put off by someone not meeting their physical ideals, you can always look away if you don't like the way someone looks, but unfortunately our noses don't have the same luxury (I hope this isn't mean, I'm just trying to convince you that you should care about hygiene at least)

I wish you luck with whatever happens anyway, I want to believe you'll make it in the end.

Anonymous 17554

Why are you not allowed to cook for yourself? Asking this out of curiosity not hostility.

Anonymous 17709

>>17525
I think you should try out some hobbies in your free time and see if you enjoy them; stuff like sewing, music, drawing or anything creative. You don't need to be good at them since nobody is when they first start but you can only improve so long as you keep doing it.

Anonymous 17718

>>17554

I'm not OP, but it may be due to a past mistake or living situation. I know my adult brother who lives at home isn't allowed to cook because the noise wakes up my dad.

Anonymous 17776

>I don‘t want to live and if you‘re reading this/making fun of me now give me one reason why I deserve to live
If you've already eaten this much shit thrown at you from life, you may as well get some eventual payoff instead of cutting everything short, right?

You can fix being a fat bitch gradually with minor diet swaps, even if your only heat source is a microwave. Your mother shouldn't also be telling you to lose weight when she won't let you control what you eat, leaving you to vacuum down cans of unhealthily salted meat for sustenance, which is a point you should maybe raise carefully if you don't talk the words good. Other people in the thread brought up good suggestions as well, so I'd recommend reading then rereading them to incorporate any useful elements into your own life. Don't be so focused on past embarrassments, everyone's kept awake by random mistakes no one except they themself recall, you're nothing different



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