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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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despair Anonymous 20112

last year around this semester i took a leave of absence from college because of my depression. ive been learning to deal with it in better ways since then and have grown from that experience and used that time to know myself more and work on my art.

now that the new semester is starting im feeling those old feelings again. the past week has been rough and ive been going through my lowest lows. i attended my first semester since my LOA and it was good so i dont know whats wrong with me but i just cant shake this overwhelming despair. the thought of going back to school brings me so much anxiety and makes me so sad.

theres a part of me that says i dont have to and that i can just drop out right now, that life is meaningless and if im shit thats okay. i want to just stay in my room and die. i think of all the time ahead of me and i cant bear it.

i dont really know what to do, i just want to do nothing and not exist. lately ive just been painting nonstop..my hand hurts but aside from sleeping its the only way i can stop thinking. im turning 21 this year and i feel the same way ive always felt, the emptiness is always there and every day i still feel like kms. i dont know if anyone can advise me, but i guess if u have similar experiences id like to hear? lets be here for each other.

Anonymous 20115

Have you actually been in therapy or did you work on yourself alone? You can't expect to get better without outside help, for all you know you might need medication or in-depth therapy to fix your problem.

Anonymous 20123

I am just like you but two years older, just started this semester, I feel depressed and anxious as well. All you can do is push yourself, just do it for your future, I've had times recently when I stood outside my classroom and I just thought "If I have to talk to anyone today, I'm gonna start crying, everyone is gonna laugh at me, and I'm gonna go home and hide forever", but I went in and sat through the class, did what I had to do that day, and everything was ok. This is all you can really do, just remember that even when you're staying inside and moping around doing nothing the world is still spinning without you and you're not getting any younger or any more time.

Anonymous 20124

ive gotten therapy and am taking meds for around a year now..unfortunately still feeling this way

Anonymous 20125

thank you for sharing. thats good advice, its important to think about things long term..definitely helps when the present is so bleak. it makes me scared to think of it but sometimes its the only source of motivation you have.

Anonymous 20126

Are you taking the same meds and dosage you started with? I've taken antidepressants that did nothing for me and went through more than 5 different ones (some of which really fucked me up) until I realized that no pill works unless I do my best to cope with my feelings and maintain a healthy routine, going against my instinct of shutting myself off from the world and do nothing but sleep.

I know dropping out seems like the easiest solution now, but as you know it isn't in the long run. If you're like me, you'll end up a hikineet and trust me, you don't want that. Of course, if you feel like your suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and impossible to ignore, taking a break might be for the best. I'm sure your therapist will know what to advise you in that case.

It's good that at least you're doing something productive like painting, even though it's acting as an escapism mechanism. Keeping yourself busy with whatever makes you feel better (if it's healthy) is important, as well as establishing a routine (going to bed and waking up at set times, eating healthy at set times, etc). Also try to go out of your house, take a walk around your neighborhood, listen to music you like… Any kind of exercise can do wonders to a person's mood. What I'm trying to say is, even though I'm sure you don't feel like being active, try your best at contradicting that instinct and make yourself do those things.

>im turning 21 this year and i feel the same way ive always felt, the emptiness is always there and every day i still feel like kms.

Does this mean you've always felt depressed?

Anonymous 20127


>theres a part of me that says i dont have to and that i can just drop out right now, that life is meaningless and if im shit thats okay. i want to just stay in my room and die. i think of all the time ahead of me and i cant bear it.
That's it exactly, I've felt like this for years.
I often hope an airliner has an engine failure and crashlands on me one day when I'm driving to work or the store on the empty road. Everyone is okay because of the pilot but me and my car are gone. Or sometimes I go for long walks in the open field on stormy days hoping lightning hits me.
It's stupid and weak I know, I can't even commit suicide, I just keep going to work and then to sleep.

Anonymous 20128

thank you so much for such thorough advice, i really appreciate it. yes ive been taking the same dosage but like u said i dont think it makes as much of an impact as being able to balance my emotions and these destructive urges myself.

ill see my therapist again..though im afraid of taking breaks and becoming more delayed than i am. feels sad to know i should be graduating w the rest of my peers next year if all went to plan but no..

haha sometimes i really conisder just taking up the hikki lifestyle. in my "life sucks nothing matters ill be sad no matter where i am" moods its easy to justify being a comfortable hermit for the rest of my life.

i used to work out regularly but i stopped since ive started hitting my lows, ill try to get some exercise in and see if it will help. and to answer your last question yeah ive been depressed and suicidal since i was 12 and nothings really been helping aside from numbing myself with different escapism tactics like anime, videogames, manga, painting, and now that im in college drinking haha. thank u again for ur advice, it means alot to me.

Anonymous 20129

right? i feel like this all the time too..hoping for the worst every time because im to voluntarily do the deed. ive attempted multiple times in the past but it never worked..only served as an embarassment.

ive grown to think numbing yourself is the only solace. i hope we both learn to work our way through this

Anonymous 20136


Back when I was suicidal I had these thoughts all the time. Everytime I was walking to school or back home I wished a car ran over me or something fell on my head, basically any accident that would kill me. One time, a car ran over my feet and I fell on my back but I wasn't hurt. All I could think that moment was "why didn't I die?"…
It is stupid but I hope you realize that you're actually being very strong by keeping on living, no matter how bleak things are. Hopefully one day you'll stop having those thoughts and then you won't regret "being weak".

You're welcome, anon. We have to look out for each other!
I hope your therapist will be able to help you. It's better to take a break now and delay things than to completely crash and get to a point when recovering yourself will take even more time and effort imo. So don't feel sad or guilty about it.

>in my "life sucks nothing matters ill be sad no matter where i am" moods its easy to justify being a comfortable hermit for the rest of my life.

That's exactly how I justified it at the beginning. At first I was loving the hikki life, I had no worries, no stress and no pressure. But being on the internet all day and watching tons of anime and tv series gets old eventually. If I could work remotely I would probably want to keep on living like this, but I didn't even finish my degree so now I can only have shitty jobs like retail.

I know what that's like. I've been depressed since I was 14, I'm 26 now. I'm convinced this will last forever. All I can do know is learn how to cope with it.
Good luck with everything and if you will, keep us posted in this thread.

Anonymous 20173

thank you so much for your support and advice. im rooting for us both and for everyone else who feels this way. what you say makes sense and the outside perspective really helps. ill keep updating this thread :)

dreadbot69 21393

hello. to update this thread, its been three weeks of school now and although there have been good times there are also a lot of low times. im going through a debilitatingly low period right now. Spacing out in class and crying in the washroom in between breaks, not being able to sleep at night and feeling drowsy and fatigued all day. i feel sick and nauseous all the time now. feeling sad and empty all the time and not knowing why.

ive been going out to out of town trips with friends every weekend since school started, seeing friends after school and making sure im never alone enough to think bad thoughts, working out regularly, doing art, taking meds, keeping myself busy. and yet even then theres this hollow dread every day that i cant shake off. i dont know why..i thought this would help but it doesnt. when i do nothing im sad and depressed, when i do alot im still sad and depressed. it is probably me, has been me for all these sad horrible years. i really dont know anymore, just going by day by day because if theres no point starting theres also no point stopping. rotting in my room the same as rotting outside of it. ill be seeing my school therapist soon, it probably wont help but i will go anyway.

Anonymous 21395

Have you ever considered looking for love?

Anonymous 21400

i dont think im in the right state of mind to haha

Anonymous 21415

You know in some ways having someone around to smile with is a lot better than what a pill can give you.

Anonymous 21444

as much as that seems nice i would be concerned for the other person having to deal with their partner being this way

Anonymous 21445

That's where love comes in. You can't just go searching for people with problems to fix, but when you meet someone you love with a few problems, it's up to you to look past it. That with the pill will make a good double dosage.

Anonymous 21490

Same here. I tried taking antidepressants and I really didn't like the side effects so I stopped taking them against the doctor's advice. (but you probably shouldn't follow my example)
Like this poster said, routine is very important because it pretty much 'forces' you to be functional and eventually it stops being an act. Fake it til you make it kind of deal. Having a routine outside of the house (school/work) also help that they force you to be social with other people.

>it probably wont help but i will go anyway.
that's a really good mindset to have. that's the same mindset that got me out of my funk. i don't know if it would work for you, but for me i gave up trying to be happy. it fully goes away for some people, but i accept too that being depressed would probably be with me until i die, so i might as well just look for some other goal than being happy to work towards.

similar to >>21395 >>21445
for me it was my family, friends, and my s.o. that really motivated me to get better. i don't have any 'personal' dreams and i've given up on making -myself- happy, so i'll just focus on taking care of them and making them happy.
when you're depressed, it's easy to feel like you're carrying the weight of the world. speaking from my experience and people that i know, it (usually) isn't really the case, depression just gives the sufferer tunnel vision so they hyperfocus on their pain/despair. aside from keeping busy (as the other posters said) caring for another person (or a pet animal or a plant could be a start) makes you focus on others rather than focus on yourself. and for me it really helped.
i felt (and still feel) this way too, that nobody should have a "broken" partner so it was motivation for me to develop coping skills so i don't become a burden to my partner. like if im gonna die i'll do it quietly rather than dragging everybody down. i found that it worked for me too because (1) it forced to become responsible because you're taking care of other people and (2) it helps with the rumination and suicidal thoughts, because i can't ruminate if im too busy taking care of someone else, if that makes sense.
be careful with choosing a partner if you do this. otherwise you might end up in a toxic relationship instead of healing

i'd recommend CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) too. since im a cheapskate i just look for online CBT exercises or read stoic texts, because it's the precursor to modern CBT.

Anonymous 21591

i see, what a thorough reply. ill check out CBT!

dreadbot69 21592

i watched the battle angel alita movie and it was nice but depressed me. real life feels too much like iron city and dreams of a zolom is equally as unattainable. i enjoyed the robots and violence but in the end its too real for me. living day by day everything is the same i am just getting worse and worse

Anonymous 21597

What do you dream of?

dreadbot69 21599

i dont remember much of my dreams but i can say that theyre very vivid and almost like reality..its only when i wake up that irealize i was in a dream

Anonymous 21600

looking back i misunderstood this. i think just being born in a 3rd world country on the lower end of middle class (which i am fortunate for) my life is kind of set and its hard to have dreams that are bigger than what your circumstances allow for

Anonymous 21601

Have a good schedule, no sleeping in or never sleeping. Take over the counter pills to help you sleep and wake up, like melatonin/sleep aid and caffeine pills. Get a friend you can tell your feelings about depression with or a therapist. Every day, I want you to think of what you're thankful for and find new things to obsess over. It's good to keep these thoughts in a blog like tumblr or twitter so you can look back. I'm currently obsessing over restaurants in San Francisco because I love food and hope to live there one day.

Anonymous 21604

If your dreams are small then what are they? Is the issue that you can't dream big enough?

Anonymous 21605

no the problem is that theyre too big sometimes and even when theyre not it just makes me sad to know how the world works that way. that we're born into circumstances we dont have the power to change

Anonymous 21606

aww thats sounds so fun. ill try taking ur advice. since watching alita ive been really into cyberpunk stuff and reading/watching akira/metropolis/bladerunner

Anonymous 21618

But what are they? Anything specific? I hope I'm not being to prying.

Anonymous 21696

i cant get suicide out of my mind. ive never had a sex drive but i feel like my suicidal ideation is equivalent to how ppl feel abt masturbation.
i think alot about how cruel it is to bring anything into this horrible world.

Anonymous 21703

The whole world isn't a cruel place to be born in. It's only certain parts. I'm sure where you are isn't nice, but there's better places you can go to, and better places for someone to be brought into this world. Don't just look at the world through the lens of the internet.

Anonymous 21713

i get what you mean and i understand the goodness of your intention. this is true, but i dont think you grasp the difficulty in how to achieve what you are saying. it is kind of naive to assume it was that easy for everyone. even if not all parts of the world are horrible there are parts that are unlivable and downright unfair for some. even if some people are living comfortably it is at the expense of another's suffering. i think its selfish and wrong to live this way. but that doesnt mean i wouldnt take the chance to if i could.

Anonymous 21717

If you need to escape then do it. There shouldn't be anything holding you back from simply walking away, and if there is, there's nothing to lose trying to impasse it.

Does this happen to anyone else? 21767


I keep having random men, sometimes attractive ones, compliment me on my appearance but not actually ask me out. I even had s guy say to me “You will have a boyfriend very soon. Not me, but a boyfriend very soon” ???? Is this a normal thing? I dont understand why guys want to gawk and flirt but not actually do anything about it

Anonymous 21780

They're either being flattering about your appearance, or are humbled to consider making you theirs.

Anonymous 21860

Sometimes you have to make a play when the ball is in your court.

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