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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Talk about how you suffered as a child Anonymous 20177

Share how you suffered as a child or what scarred you as child.

Anonymous 20194

Dad was rich but traveled a lot. Mom was hooked on downers. My big brother (3 years older than me) largely raised me, cooking breakfast, getting me dressed, making lunches, getting me to school.
Mom did usually make dinner.
Dad was home most Friday & Saturday nights. Big smiles, big laughs, he was so fun & charming.
He was home more after I turned 8 and even took me on play dates. I was 11 when I caught him sleeping with the mom we were visiting; my play dates were cover for him meeting his 3 mistresses.
A year later he skipped town with a lot of money he stole from where he worked. He cleared out our bank accounts, too. So mom, disabled for over a decade, my 17 year old brother, and 14 year old me had to move into a beat up trailer home.
Mom started drinking heavy. My brother was working 2 jobs. I tried to care for mom, keep the place clean, and feed my brother as he worked as a janitor and literally digging ditches.
There was a nice young couple on one side and a widower on the other. The old guy was really nice. He asked me to make him a dozen cookies and gave me $20 for ingredients then refused the change. Then he asked me to pick up some donuts and refused change for a $20. Pretty soon he was paying me $25 a week to ‘help’.
I thought the couple was nice, until the husband offered me $20 if I’d blow him. I ran away. The wife was always mean after that, so I know he told her some tale to protect himself.
I’d always been shy, but with everyone whispering about me and being forced to wear clothes from a church that gave donated stuff to us I vanished. I just wanted a diploma and some hope, but a diploma would do.
The day he turned 18 my brother applied to be my legal guardian (mom signed, so out of it I doubt she understood); after a month he was, so he made a bank account for me and enlisted in the army.
I was alone with mom.
The kids in the neighborhood had been afraid of my brother. Now if I left they taunted me.
The skinny ghost. Bigfoot’s uglier sister. The widower would have me over for tea and talk, but other than that it was school, sleeping mom, cleaning, cooking, over and over.
My brother was in training a long time but right after I turned 16 he was sent to Iraq and we couldn’t go. He’d been paying the rent and sending me money and he got promoted fast, so I was saving.
Then mom died. Just didn’t wake up one Saturday. 44 years old. The alcohol finally got her. Brother came home to bury her, took me to Ft. Bragg with him. The wives in the company helped me a lot (he had months left in combat), and I finished HS. But I was really alone.
Brother got stationed in Atlanta, I went to tech college and got a bookkeeper certification and got a work from home job doing the books on some dentist offices.
I’m working on my Accounting associates, mainly online. My brother gets out soon and is dating a nice girl. I think he’s going to propose.
I have a nice apartment way out of town, only $400 a month with utilities (it is over a garage!). And my brother got me a used Hyundai as a gift.
Haven’t heard from my dad. He might be dead.
But I don’t drink, I don’t have any friends, and other than my brother all men scare me unless they are about 70.

Anonymous 20197

Dad used to beat the pulp out of me when I was little, because I was mentally ill and he thought beating me so hard I couldn't move any longer was the way to cure my behavior, instead of getting me help like a non-retard. It was 90's and early 2000's so cops and my school couldn't give less of a fuck, and blamed it on me. There was one time when I was running from my Dad in the house after having my face beaten in at age 16, and right as he was feet away from grabbing me again I knocked over a TV stand in front of his feet and kept running because I was trying to stall him. Neighbors called the police, and they tried to arrest ME because I broke the TV. My Dad talked them out of it, and they left after calling me a "lucky brat" for having such a "generous father". After that my Dad continued to beat me to the ground for breaking his TV.

Now I'm 26, diagnosed with complex PTSD and still living with my parents because I'm a fucking failure college dropout. Dad still beats me, and I'm still afraid to call the police because I know they won't care, side with my Dad and blame it on me being a loser living at home.

I can't afford to move and have no idea what to do but silently suffer.

Anonymous 20227

being bullied. the actual beatings stopped sometime in fourth grade, but onto middle school they started fucking with my head.
just doing needlessly mean stuff like calling me their friend, only to shit on me relentlessly & make fun of my faults, all under the guise of 'banter' ( though they didn't use banter, they were ~just kidding~ ). or inviting me out places only to cancel at the last minute, or in one case, just not show up.
now i weirdly take all signs of aggression as friendship, if a person calls me a fucking idiot i guess i just think they're joking.
and if they're kind, i feel like they're lying to me out of pity. trying to grow out of this shit

Anonymous 20228

Holy shit was a rough start on life. Glad your condition has improved.

And god damn you're still on the bumpy ride. I really hope you get out of that situation soon. Do you need help?

Anonymous 20319

My mom had schizophrenia and it led to her divorcing my dad and remarrying only to divorce the new guy too. She drifted around a lot in early childhood so I didn't have an awful lot of feminine influence. My dad was pretty awesome until a my grandma died and a flood hit my hometown. After that, he got a lot meaner, yelled a lot. We lived on austerity budget and never stayed in one town for more than a year, so I never really got to make friends in middle school, but at least I was a straight A student. Finally my ex-stepdad offered to take our family in and we settled down in time for high school. But my grades plummeted and I was diagnosed with depression. Being a chubby girl I caught people gossiping about how ugly I was and such behind my back, and my brother was embarrassed by me (in his defense, looking back I'm embarrassed by me too), but I made a couple nice friends who also had issues. It was nice for seeing my mom too, because she had finally settled into a group home for the mentally ill about two hours away. But she died just before I started my junior year. And at some point in my senior year of high school, the stuff with my dad came to a head and CPS put my brother and me into my ex-stepdad's custody. I was still a fuck up well into college, dropped out and became a hikiNEET for two years. While I was a NEET I met some others online and made new friends for the first time since my freshman year of high school. I ended up getting motivated to start confronting my issues and I got diagnosed with AvPD. I went back to college and now I have a job and I'm going to be graduating this semester. I still have some serious problems when it comes to coping with stress and handling close relationships, but things are actually getting a little better. Even if I never get an SO at least I'm learning how to take care of myself and how to handle my urges to hide from my problems. So I guess the moral of the story is it does get better and you have your fellow miners if you're stuck in a rut.

Anonymous 20335

This is why I'll never have a family. I wouldn't want to subject children to my mental illness.

Anonymous 20339

don't say that. just because someone's parent hurt them doesn't mean they have to be their xerox. you can parent someone just the way you wished to be. all you have to do is dream.

Anonymous 20360

You realize that mental illnesses cannot be controlled sometimes. People do insane things for no actual good or valid reason but because they feel compelled to because of their illness. This can impact family and friends, this is why you should never believe anyone with BPD that says "Oh I can control my illness, I'm better than most other people with BPD." Because they really aren't, that's their illness talking where it puts them above everyone else and saying they are unique and better than those lower class people who no one likes. A dream cannot stop you from acting shitty if you're ill, and you shouldn't put that on kids. A dream only works if you're just a shitty person, you can stop yourself from being shitty, not from being ill.

Anonymous 20363

>Mom and dad used to beat me since I was a toddler
>Older cousin molested me (repeatedly,a couple times in front of other family, but not in front of parents)
>Extended family all know about this, but treat it like some inside joke
>Tries to rape me, but my body is too small, forces me to perform fellatio instead
>become hyper-sexual
>Move to foreign country at age of four
>Mom and dad barley know the language
>Mother would use me and my sibling as punching bags to vent frustrations
>Father travels to other country for better job and sends money from there
>Mother beats and neglects us still
>Growing up poor
>Move to new country my dad is working in
>Lose contact with all friends I made, everyone here hates me
>Only 10 years old when I first arrive, but get called a whore by classmates
>People actually believe the rumors lol
>Parents still beat us and scream at us, develop resentment towards them
>Move to new school
>Thought everything was going to be different, higher standards, etc.
>Dead wrong
>School life gets gradually worse, was already suicidal, then started developing what I thought was psychosis
>Overdosed (twice?), failed, dosage too weak
>Showed up to school after taking a high dosage of sleeping pills, people laugh
>People sneered at me when I'd break down and cry
>Had a general sense of worthlessness and self-hate
>People sat at the edge of their seat, wanting to see me fail, or so it felt
>People would play games with me, I'd repeatedly tell them to "fuck off"
>They wanted to laugh at me being dumb, making a spectacle of myself
>Felt like people were watching me, even at home
>Through the mirrors, could hear me through my phone, etc.
>I made the mistake of telling someone about this
>I made myself a joke again
>Leave school
>People still hate me, realize it's me not them, must be retarded
>Still considered a joke by previous circles, everyone is better than I am, and nothing really matters

Anonymous 20364

I was 90% sure that this story was going to end with you're brother dying in war or something.

Anonymous 20398

Mental illnesses can never be totally under your control. You need to try to control them. Letting it loose only makes it worse.

Anonymous 20402

Well, that's not what I'm saying, I'm not saying go around full force being mentally ill, but if you know you would treat your children poorly due to your illness even while trying to be the best you can be. It might be better to abstain from such things, as painful as it can be.

Anonymous 20404

I was, too.
He would email me every day so I could sleep.

Anonymous 20405

Actually letting your emotions vent out is a good method of getting over your ills. Especially when there's so much to vent. People live while hiding what's inside their hearts from others. A lot of mental damage itself can stem from not having anywhere, or anyone to grieve with. It won't erase it, but it can help to have someone of sound mind you can speak of it to over and over again until the stress proves negligible. Of course from what I've read here anons cannot even trust a shrink these days. Most of the time they seem to be a part of the madness as well. Being isolated only worsens this. We are social animals. I'm ranting for too long.

Anonymous 20406

You're totally missing my point. But no it's not healthy to live fully in your illness. You need to have coping mechanisms to deal with your illness, not delve deep into it.

Anonymous 20410

I'm >>20335 . I appreciate the thought of defending me from my negative viewpoint but I know it's better for everyone including people that don't exist for me not to have a family. That was mainly my point. I don't have BPD like the other person used as a good example of a destructive mental illness. I have paranoid delusional schizophrenia which is what prompted me to reply to >>20319 . I can control my behavior now but schizophrenia has a way of deteriorating over time so while I'm fine now five years at best after meeting a guy, falling in love, engagement, marriage, and then solidifying that bond with children I could be a completely different person with a much worse illness. It will be even worse as time goes on and the children grow. I want that dream more than anything but I know it's not responsible to hurt everyone involved. I will die alone and it's no one's fault. It's just the way things work in life.

Anonymous 20413

Venting is a way to cope, anon. There's nothing wrong with exploring the psyche either. It helps to know what's wrong.
As long as you stay off the hooch, hashish, and tobacco your mental state shouldn't worsen too quickly. Also staying active should help the brain matter come up, too. Being alone and sedentary like you want to be will make it get worse faster and thats not good. Have you talked with a professional about this?

Anonymous 20414

What I'm talking about and the illness in question is not something you can vent. Please stop being do dense about this. "Exploring the psyche" doesn't fix genetic imbalances, just like how it doesn't fix someone with Alzheimer either. You need to understand when a mental illness is caused chemically by a dysfunction in the mind, and when it is caused by a traumatic event in a person's life they are very different things and they need to be handled and treated very differently.

Anonymous 20415

I've been seeing psychs for the past 7 years. I'm on the right medications to maintain. My newest psych which is finally a private psych is really really good. She's the first one to do a genetic test on me to find out which medications may work with my genetics the best which happened to be the ones I was already on after trying a bunch of different medications over the years. I've also been recommended more supplements to help with some of the symptoms of schizophrenia with her. I'm on CBD oil now to help with anxiety but the pharmaceutical company that makes my anxiety medication suddenly received a huge demand for the one I was taking so they back ordered it to the point where I haven't been able to get it for the past 5 months. That has been hard. Luckily I do have the CBD oil so it could have been a lot worse. I'm rambling at this point but my point is that I'm not getting better. My psych is trying but these things take time and seeing what works and I'm trying everything to get better but it's slowly getting worse as time goes on. I'm actually pretty comfortable being a hikki most of the time. I don't live alone and live with people I trust even if I can get scared of them. It's going outside of my comfort zone that's paralyzing and the thoughts start to be unable to be coped. I've been having more bad days recently without my anti anxiety medication and delusions are starting to come back. Like someone will close a door and my mind will hear a gunshot and run with the possibilities of what that means. I'm going to ask to up my anti-psychotic medication next time I see my psych. Right now I'm just fighting to maintain. Thank you for letting me ramble and sorry if I'm being annoying.

Anonymous 20419

Exploring the psyche and mapping it can help. Nothing wrong with analytical psychology.
I hope you can get your medications soon, anon. Were it not for the shortage, you could be living a quiet life. Should you stay on it you wouldn't need to worry about giving up your own legacy. It's wrong for me to recommend anything else. I may believe in eugenics, but I'm not enabling this near suicidal lifestyle. It's not right.

Anonymous 20423

I'm not suicidal. All things considered my needs are met as I am. I live in a nice house in a crime free area of a 1st world country and don't want for anything. My life is pretty good. I'm like a retired spinster at 34. I'm getting too old to consider having children anyways so it's probably too late. So my legacy won't be in genetic form. I'm not big on legacy anyways because I'm pretty nihilistic at this point. Not depressingly so but if nothing matters you can make the individual moment matter more than living in the past memories or future hopes and worries. That's pretty freeing. I can't do much irl because of the illness but we live in a technological age where I can get anything I need delivered to my door and talk to people all over the world any time I want and without any worry. This is the golden age for people in my situation. How could I not be content in this world? Eventually I had to realize my limits and I have met them so I would call that a success. It's a little sad that the bar is low for potential for myself but there's no use hoping for things that can never happen. My grandfather was blind but he reached his potential without the ability to see and was a success because of that. My legacy will be the positive influences I put out to the world hopefully make enough ripples to make the world a better place for a while. I'm happy if that's what I can do.

Anonymous 20431

Anon… you're not very bright, you're trying to give input on situations you don't fully understand or comprehend, it's time to stop.

Anonymous 20433

Yeah, I guess it's probably too late in that case. Be sure to get your prescription upped. Good luck anon.

Anonymous 20435

Thank you.

Anonymous 21253

Literally a movie-tier life story. I'd pay to see this.

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