I need help. I have been raped 4 times in the past 5 years by 4 different guys, and after the most recent one I am afraid that it will happen again.
The first 3 happened in rapid succession and it totally ruined my life for a year. I went through a shit ton of therapy and I am emotionally and mentally fine now, but a week ago it happened again. I had thought “oh I was naive and had low self consciousness, but now i’m more independent and confident so it won’t happen again” but clearly that isn’t the case.
I’ve never spoken about it publicly IRL and don’t plan to.
I need real advice. There are a lot of shitty people and clearly I am not doing enough to defend myself. I need to learn some concrete things that I can do to stop this from happening or some self defense suggestions.
I can give more specifics about the situations if it would help. I don’t mind talking about it at all now thankfully.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you anon. Please see if there are any self defence classes near you - i remember being told to push your thumbs into the eyes of your attacker, and if his testicles are within reach, grab them and twist them as hard and as much as you can. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of much help. Take care.
I definitely want to take a self defense class. I was able to kind of defend myself a bit the most recent time it happened so it didn’t last very long because I was able to get away. Any kind of self defense you’d specifically recommend, or that is good for practical close-range self defense?
I also am hoping to develop more of an intimidating aura. Maybe it would prevent it in the future if I look more like I could kick butt, or if people are aware that I know how to fight.
The class I took was just an instructor who came into my high school (I went to an all girls school) and talked to us about staying safe and self defence, this was well over ten
years ago now so I can’t remember specifically what they did or what they recommended. Maybe email the instructors of the classes you find to ask what type they do, and maybe do some research on types of self defence beforehand so you know what would fit you best (perhaps some self defence courses are better suited for different people?)
are you big or smol
If you want to talk about what happened or the situation around it, I think it would be good to do it here. Nobody can really say much in the way of help or advice if they don't know the circumstances.
Yeah, that’s true. My body type would probably have an effect on what kind of self defense I should pursue.
I am pretty tall for a girl (5’8”) but a bit frail/skinny.
And sure. I can write the details out, gimme a sec to type it
Aikido or jiu jitsu are good for smaller people because they use leverage and momentum effectively
You don't need a more intimidating aura. You need the right mindset (confidence) to act when you feel danger.
Aikido is almost as larp as Karate, and Jiu Jitsu is the "elegant" version of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Pick any martial art popular in MMA (BJJ or Muay Thai for example) or Krav Maga (not great against trained fighters but great against untrained brutes).
Also start lifting. You said you're skinny and frail. Don't fall for the "leverage and technique is better than brute force" meme. No ammount of technique is going to save you from somebody twice your size who can OHP your bodyweight.
And try to carry. Ideally a gun. If not possible then a knife could work too, but it's more complicated because it's difficult to bring yourself to actually use it against another human being.
I'm saying all of this because how does one get raped 4 times in 5 years? Was it by same person? What the fuck.
>>25857>I have been raped 4 times in the past 5 years>by 4 different guys
do you live in brazil or something?
>Was it by same person?
I am >>25864
and apparently can't read. >>25865
My apologies OP.
>first boyfriend, dating throughout high school
>he’s emotionally manipulative and abusive. Isolated me from family&friends, controlling, neurotic, etc.
> I think this is normal bc first relationship.
>we graduate hs and go to the same college.
>different dorms, different classes, I start to make new friends.
>he doesn’t like this, becomes physically abusive and starts raping me.
>I tell him I hate when he forces me but he says I owe it to him and he’ll take it when he wants to.
>obsessively calls me and texts me, forbids me from seeing my new friends, shows up unexpectedly all the time.
>new friends notice the abuse and intervene.
>eventually end the relationship with their help and with the help of university services/counseling.
>ex still stalked and harassed me but friends helped. I grow to trust them and confide in them a lot.
>big test early the next morning. Ask my best friend to wake me up at 7:00am so I don’t sleep through it.
>he and I have done this for each other in the past when we have big tests.
>he’s the main one who helped me get through the shit with my ex, very Christian guy, always goes out of his way to help people (even strangers), we hang out all the time in our friend group, been friends for almost a year.
>leave door unlocked for him
>he comes in to my room in the middle of the night and rapes me.
>I beg him to stop and cry but he is way stronger.
>afterwards he starts crying and apologizing and runs off and stabs himself with a knife.
>says he loves me and he couldn’t control himself.
> I end up comforting him and telling him it’s ok because I don’t want him to kill himself.
Third time:>i’m really fucked up emotionally because best friend is suicidal after raping me and keeps trying to hurt himself.>I want to get away from it all>a guy I’ve hung out with in a group twice before invites me to his frat’s mixer>I want to drink and not be stressed so I say yes and go>stupidly allow him to make my drink for me>blackout drunk after one drink>flashes of him VIOLENTLY raping me in the dark>terrible ripping pain in throat, asshole, and vagina>I remember crying, screaming, and him telling me to be quiet.>wake up at like 5:00am still pretty drunk, like 30 missed calls from my friend who I told to expect me back by midnight. >head home, find a bunch of cops in my room when I get back.>they tell me they already busted in to his dorm and found my underwear, blood on couch, tons of physical evidence etc so I drunkenly give them my report but am too afraid to press charges.>they convince me to go to the hospital to have a rape kit done in case I change my mind.>the hospital staff commits me to the mental ward because they’re afraid i’ll commit suicide bc of all the shit that happened recently.>i’m forced to spend days in solitude, not even being allowed to shower, having terrible hallucinations and PTSD.>they get a court order to tell my parents without my permission.>awkwardest convo ever, but parents do a good job of getting me connected with good counselors and making me feel safe.> leave college for a year and switch to online classes to focus on EMDR therapy.>rebuild life
Then everything was fine for a while.
Basically, the first two were bad, but more confusing and mentally damaging than blatantly violently traumatic. I cared about both my ex and best friend so It was easier for me to focus on being concerned with their feelings of guilt or anger than to try and process what they did to me. The third one was awful in its violence though, and it made me reflect on the previous two in a much darker light. I had to face the reality of the rapes instead of allowing myself to try to dismiss them as crimes of passion that came from a destructive type of of love. I also felt especially dumb for the third one because I usually never drink around people I don’t know very well and trust- I should have addressed my situation with professional help instead of trying to run from it and putting myself in more danger.
Then this fourth one is kind of brief. It mostly happened because I was being stupid but it was still very uncalled for in my opinion
Fourth time (1 week ago):> visiting my current bf of 3 years who lives across the country from me.>we’re at his friend’s house drinking.>we get in his friend’s hot tub>a girl there is interested in me, my boyfriend encourages us to kiss.>I’m down, but I’m not comfortable with a ton of PDA so I tell her let’s just keep it to kissing.>while I’m kissing this girl, I feel someone suddenly pull my bathing suit bottoms to the side and aggressively thrust into me.> I think it’s my boyfriend at first, but when I look to the side I see him across the hot tub talking to his friend.>I look back and it’s some guy I barely know, who had come with his girlfriend (NOT the girl I was kissing)>everyone shocked>tell him stop and he doesn’t>everyone around me standing still like statues>physically push him off of me and exit>leave with my boyfriend>bf feels bad “about not protecting me”
So yeah. I am not someone who has casual sex, and it’s irritating than I’ve been raped by more people than I’ve had consensual sex with. I don’t go on dates or use tinder or meet up with strangers. I’ve never had a one night stand. I’ve only ever been long term relationships, and haven’t had a lot of time where I was single.
I am afraid this is going to happen again. most of these things happened because I was being stupid or too trusting, but each time I am somehow completely caught off guard. My brain doesn’t even calculate that these situations could happen until they’re already happening.
I appreciate the suggestions, i’ll Look in to those and try some of them out.
I really want to carry a weapon but I know for a fact I wouldn’t be able to use it against someone. Maybe if I actually feared for my life, like if I saw that they had a gun, then I would be able to use a weapon. It’s more so like I want to flash it so they’d leave me alone or back off.
I wish people wouldn’t even think to mess with me, or that they wouldn’t see me as a target.
4 is an insane number. I feel like no one would believe me, which is part of the reason I haven’t talked about it IRL except with my therapist.
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. It's fucked up because it seems the worst came from people you knew and trusted.
My advice to workout and learn martial arts wouldn't do shit. Like, one time you got jumped on while sleeping and another you were drugged.
Fuck that's some terrible luck. I'm so sorry.
I appreciate that.
I am ok now though. I really am lucky that I had the resources to recover, and I have a wonderful life otherwise.
What’s done is done, but this new fear of future dangers has recently been weighing on me. Perhaps I need to deliberately work on being more skeptical. Or maybe I should try to join some type of sexual assault recovery group where people share their experiences so I can hear what others have to say and watch out for similar circumstances.
I’m not sure. I should probably see my therapist again when I go back home though to make sure this recent thing didn’t drudge up any subconcious stuff.
Knives are a meme for female self defence, even in danger most people cant get themselfs to activly hurt another human. It also looks terrible in court and isnt even guaranteed to stop an aggressor. A pepper spray is preferable, especially one that fires a liquid and not a "mist". Just aim for the forehead, you should also keep it in an extra pocket and not in a handbag.
Maybe stop hanging around crazy people. You're not as much of a victim as you want to be.
>>25880>rubbing salt into the wound
She's already admitted she was too trusting and stupid in most of these cases.
I've heard that it's not uncommon for rape victims to experience sexual assault multiple times. It's called re-victimization. Maybe there are studies and articles about how to avoid it. Frankly, I don't know what advice to give except of developing a higher level of mistrust for every guy you know, OP, but some would say that's an unhealthy way of thinking.
Wow you must know a lot
I agree that I would be more likely to use something like pepper spray, but I don’t know if that’s a good weapon choice for close-quarter situations. Wouldn’t I end up making myself just as blind? I heard that pepper spray makes like a cloud.>>25880
The whole point is that these people seem normal before they do this shit. I’d never willingly put myself near someone who I think would hurt me.
And don’t project. If my motive was to be seen and treated as a victim, don’t you think i’d be talking about this IRL instead of on an anonymous message board? I specifically DONT want people to see me as a “victim” because that’s not how I see myself.
You should definitely have a talk with your therapist at least once about the most recent thing. That's not really the same loss-of-control situation, sure, but it's unquestionably connected subconsciously.
The one anon with all the fighty know-whats seems very knowledgeable if you want to learn how to fight, but I don't think that's what you want, nor would it really help.
Your mention of an "aura" is interesting. An aura is not something you can really consciously project, and everyone will interpret the emotions you're expressing a different way. You might be less likely
to have it happen again, but I think what you want is to be better at judging others. That seems to be how you feel you "failed", and so would probably be the best way to feel more confident in the future. Coincidentally, feeling more confidebt will also cause you to project that confidence, creating more of the aura you described.
For as much as my very limited opinion is worth, I think it may be better to talk about personal security rather than what is commonly called "self defence." The problem of keeping yourself from being successfully assaulted in this way (or other ways) is much broader than the movies might make you think, in that expending moderate thought on nonviolent ways of keeping yourself safe will probably do more for you than extensive combat training. To some degree, it is likely that you have failed to secure your own safety in some other important way if it comes down to a fight. I think OP realizes this, considering how she mentions wanting to develop a threatening aura (deterrence) and notes her mistake in allowing a man to have access to her drink. Hindsight is 20/20, but we see here that ideas like watching for signs of manipulation (first rape) and locking doors while you sleep (second rape) can contribute significantly to personal security. (That last rape is shocking, though. I have no clever solution for an outright rape by stranger in full view of others, although I would hardly expect such events to be common. It's hard to plan for being struck by a lightning bolt, metaphorically speaking.
Be clever, OP. It could be difficult (and legally troublesome) to get an edge on a rapist in combat, but that doesn't at all mean that you can't keep yourself secure to what I would think of as a reasonable standard.
Okay, what the fuck.
How does this happen to anyone? I get that rape is something that happens, and I understand people who are raped often attract more of it through life (I do not mean they bring it upon themselves, but that a rape victim is more likely to be raped again). How does it happen 4 times in a year though? Is no one going to address how bizarre that last story of a random guy banginf her in a hot tub sounded?
I'm not calling you a liar. Just bizarre. Were all of the signs the same, or different? Is it something in your personality that brings these sorts of men in yohr life? Who the duck sticks their dick in a random person…
I'm baffled. If this isn't a shitpost, you do not need self defense lessons. You need to see a therapist because this Is all too much for a person. You need to figure out why this keeps happening to you and how to prevent it, not how to stop it.
Yeah, I think it would be best. I was kind of sad about something unrelated today, but the sadness kind of spiraled and I got way more depressed about it than I normally would have. I feel like back a few years ago the same thing used to happen - if I got anxious about something unrelated like a test the floodgates would open and all this subconscious anxious energy I had would manifest.
And yes, I had thought that building confidence was a a key thing originally, and I had spent the past few years developing my confidence. I’m actually very confident in most situations, but I’m sure I didn’t seem very confident the night of the most recent rape because I was hanging out with a crowd I am not very familiar with, and I felt out of my element to a degree.>>25904
Thanks! I’ll give that a watch>>25920
Yes, I absolutely want to become a little less oblivious about personal security. I think that in general I do things to protect myself in typically “unsafe” situations like where I feel like I could be assaulted or murdered (I always lock the car door immediately after getting in my car, I jog through the parking lot if it’s after dark, I call loved ones on the phone if I feel like i’m in an unsafe area, etc.), but as soon as i’m In the presence of someone I think of as a “friend” I feel like that goes out the window. I need to have more reasonable personal security measures with the people I trust. >>25928
No yeah I am fully aware it’s insanely bizarre- that’s why i’m so nervous about being raped again now. I feel like it’s too frequent to just be random chance.
The first three all happened within a year, but then there was a period of 3-4 years where I didn’t have any sexual assault experiences. I thought I had overcome the low-self confidence that I had originally blamed for the series of rapes, but this most recent one (the hot tub) made me fearful that whatever quality is to blame for this still exists.
In regards to the signs, no, I don’t think they were the same. The first had pretty obvious signs, I was just trapped in an abusive relationship at the time so I thought it was warranted or that I deserved it. The second had no clear signs, except for that dude maybe a little sexually repressed bc of his religious morals? I thought he was just a prudish guy. Third one, the guy seemed friendly enough but I didn’t know him very well and in general I think frats have a statistically higher incidence of sexual assault, so that should have been a larger deal to me.
This last guy was weird. He was 35 (I’m 23), kind of eccentric looking and lanky. I don’t know anything about him other than that he was there with his gf, who was childhood friends with the guy hosting the get together. He wasn’t really on my radar as anything threatening.
I think the only similarity really is that these people didn’t seem dangerous to me. Either I need to work on my ability to sense dangerous individuals, or I need to be more careful around people who I think are safe just in case.
I’ve gotten myself out of uncomfortable situations with “dangerous” people all the time, but it’s usually very striking based on their body language, actions, vibe, etc so I don’t let them even get close to me.
>>25937>buy gun>guy tries to rape you>kill them
fuck. wonder if we deal with the same issues. however, mine revolve more around incest. i was basically sexually abused for a few years as a kid by a family member, told my parents, got lots of shit for telling an outside source about it because even though the abuse had stopped by then, i still felt threatened because i was still looked at in that weird way, my parents hated me for outing the other family member and "ruining his life" (he only got a year of probation and his record got sealed as an adult anyway), etc.
my first boyfriend was nice enough. he always wanted more pda than I was comfortable with. my sex drive was too high and incompatible with his, though. however, he would tell me about his desire to rape his mother. this broke me since I really wanted to believe not all men were into their family members. eventually for other reasons, I decided to break up with him.
the next boyfriend, i preferred as a person, but he was far more fucked up. he was also sexually abused as a child, in the way I was, by the same family relation. actually he even had some additional abuse. however, he never told other family members as I did (which I'd never suggest, by the way, to anyone ever. never tell people connected with your family.) anyway, the first time we had sex, i was drunk and inexperienced with drinking, i considered it rape but he didn't, and i let him know it was unacceptable. he eventually would go on to orally raping me, even in front of other people, he'd anally rape me, he'd film raping me, he'd forcibly grope me in public and expose me in front of others even though i hated it and let him know. i didn't leave for the longest time because he was my only friend and by then, i just decided rape was normal. he did not like sex in general, only rape, which was difficult for me because I actually am a very sexual person, so i felt unfulfilled in that area constantly. he also was heavily into projecting incestuous/pedophilic fantasies onto me and such. i hated it, but i felt like that was what i had to pay for having a person who consistently listened to me.
i still have to play nice with the family member who abused me as a child. he still stares at me oddly as well. any criticism i have of my parents (they did not do anything when i first told them besides "keep this issue inside the family", only when i told an outside source did they suddenly have a lot to say on it)
i see rape as commonplace and not that strange. secretly i think it's just how men are. i don't think i can avoid it. somehow i was able to pull myself out of my last relationship, and i don't think my parents really believe me because of how crazy people see it that i'd stay in such a situation. it was so incredibly hard to leave, i don't care, i'm just glad i'm free of it.
i think i shouldn't be in relationships. it's awful because i'm into someone rn, but i am fearful they'll just turn out to be into incest and such later on. the last boyfriend i had didn't violently rape me until 2 years into the relationship, which is part of why i am so fearful that i think i could know someone, but i don't, not at all.
sorry for venting on your post. i just feel like you're the closest anon i've seen on here in terms of the amount of the abuse.
i just hate myself. i watch hours and hours of porn per day. i don't hook up with anyone. i just wish i could have regular sex with a guy who doesn't have incest issues.
>>25935>whatever quality is to blame for this
No. It's not you. Guys should be aware when they're with girls, present, paying attention. The problem guys have with body language is it can be hard for them to decide when TO make a move, but it's not that hard to tell when NOT to, if they actually care about the girl they're with.
What you need to be concerned about is protecting yourself, because the world is not a reliable environment. But it's not on you to change who you are.
Get therapy ASAP and don’t get advice from stransfers online
Stop repeating the cycle by dating worse and worse men
The only way to do that is to try therapy
I’m so sorry anon. That is so much to have gone through, and even having gone through a fair amount of abuse of my own, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if I couldn’t trust even my family. They’ve been the most consistent part of my healing process, and even though my relationship with them isn’t perfect, it’s not unhealthy.
I have two pieces of advice for you if you care to hear them, just based on my own experience.
1) Even though it feels good to have a partner, close friend, or loved one who can empathize with your trauma because they went through something similar, it’s best to try to avoid other people who have their own baggage. Men who have been abused are likely to abuse others. Even if you end up with someone who cannot truly understand your feelings, it’s worth it to feel like you have someone who you feel safe around.
2) EMDR therapy was really helpful for me. I tried other types of therapy but they felt too awkward. Also, I keep journals to document my emotional progress and keep myself mindful of the things in my life that I am thankful for. I find it helpful to see how far i’ve come, to remind myself of things that my brain seems to want to forget, and to introspect and take an objective look at my choices.
Like I said I am so sorry to hear that you’ve had such a bad streak with guys. I agree with you - I think that to a degree, more men are capable of rape than society would have us believe. One of the biggest things I had to learn is that rapists aren’t clearly “bad” people always. They volunteer with the homeless, they study hard and have big dreams to change the world, they cry at sappy Disney movies, they bring you ice cream when you had a bad day, they take in stray animals and nurse them back to health.
So many of them seem normal and good, but yet they rape. It’s hard to understand or comprehend, which is why so many people, like your parents, have a hard time accepting it or digesting what it really means. I’m so sorry that their anger and denial was aimed at you, as it certainly shouldn’t have been.
I hope that one day they have the maturity to really face the reality of the situation and come to terms with their mistakes.
Thank you for that advice. I don’t mind what it is I need to do, or how I need to change myself, as long as it is effective.
I’d much rather change who I am than have another traumatic rape. But you’re right that I shouldn’t deluded myself- ultimately there is a limit to how much control I have on my environment.>>25966
Oh don’t worry I have, I went to many many months of therapy until my major depression and ptsd was clinically resolved.
I will probably go again soon if I keep feeling the way i’ve felt recently.
Cost is a barrier because i’m completely financially dependent on my dad. My parents will see if I attend therapy and they’d pry about it and want to know the details. I’d never gone to therapy about anything other than the rapes so they'd probably be able to guess what’s up and make me come home.
I’m hoping this type of thing will do for now.
Plus, therapists rarely give actual advice about this kind of thing in my experience. Aside from the EMDR therapist, most of the ones I tried just talked about how it’s “not my fault” and “there’s nothing I could have done” and “masculinity is twisted”, which is fine and all but that honestly just makes me feel shittier. The last thing I want to think is that future rapes are potentially out of my control and that all I can do is develop ways to cope
That particular anon was abused by men, as was I, so that’s why I use the word ‘men’ occasionally in that post.
I think that although women are capable of rape, and such a thing unfortunately happens all the time, there are a smaller number of women who have the biological urge to do so.
Of course that is totally my subjective opinion because this isn’t something one could do actual research on, but from my experience, i’ve seen men admit both anonymously and IRL that although they wouldn’t act on it, the desire to rape exists for them.
But most of my post was gender neutral for a reason though- rapists, regardless of gender, can seem like otherwise “good” people.
>>25857>first 3 happened in rapid succession
What kind of life were you living here.
Its rare enough for it to happen once. But 3?
Its like a word record contender>>25867>>25869
Oh here, and maybe you should get a new bf
I truly get the first 2 bc in that situation it's like, you care for them and maybe people wouldn't even believe you since you're dating
But like damn why aren't 3 and 4 in jail?? You said 4 had a bunch of witnesses. Like forget "protecting" you lol your bf just drove you home, you walked away and didn't call the cops or anything? That guy is a fucking psychopath.
3 was the worst because it was violent and clearly pre-meditated, that guy should be in jail.
4… I don’t even know what to say about 4. It was so brief, like only a few seconds, so I think that’s why my BF is kind of brushing it off. Also, I think because he feels guilty about not protecting me, it’s easier for him to rationalize that it wasn’t a big deal. He said that “he doesn’t think that guy had malicious intentions, he probably just misread the situation and made a mistake.
So I don’t know. I don’t usually hang out in situations like that so I don’t know if I made the situation seem a certain way.
I was making out with a girl but from where I live, that isn’t an invitation for random strangers to join in.
I thought about going to have a rape kit done just Incase (I was mostly afraid that guy might have an STD or something), but I decided against it because there probably wouldn’t be any physical evidence to collect since we were in a hot tub.
anon are you holding back information on number 4? How can you misread a situation to such an extreme extent?
girl… do you want to be one of these women on the news who is like 25 years later "oh yeah and one time he stuck his dick in me for no reason in a hottub, no there's no evidence of this"
I don't know, I guess I don't get it. I can't be you. Maybe it's not worth the trouble for you and you'd rather just not deal with that shit. But you realize this guy is probably gonna rape again right? You could at least make a police report even if you don't want to prosecute.
I’m not- I was somewhat drunk in a hot tub with a bunch of other people, making out with a girl.
I mean to me I don’t understand how he could have misread either but since my BF said that I was thinking maybe it’s a guy thing? Or a thing around here? I don’t really know, people in general are much much less conservative here than where I am from so i thought it made sense.>>26191
I don’t even know this guy’s last name and he lives in a different state, though.
I probably wouldn’t even recognize him in 25 years, I barely remember what he looks like now.
Basically he is my boyfriend’s friends friends boyfriend.
I tried finding him on social media through mutuals but I couldn’t even find my boyfriend’s friend online.
Well as long as you're never going to see him again I guess that's good enough… still creepy that he's out there tho
this thread made me cry
God if I hated men before I want to kill them now
it's so scary reading this. i love my boyfriend so much, but at times he has been pushy sexually. i don't think he means to do it and when i point it out he feels really bad and tries to be as respectful as possible. but the fact you could be in a loving, trusting long-term relationship then just start being raped by them, fuck. I'm so scared of men
Strange how your story affirms that broken people invite other broken people into their lives. Its like you are running in circles, repeating the same theme over and over again.
the worst part about these threads is reading how peoples families defended the rapist/paedophile. If someone in my family was outed as a paedophile they would be tortured and killed. Im sorry to all the anons who are forced to see their abusers at family gatherings and pretend everything is okay. Im sorry your parents are scum for allowing it
I imagine that, additionally to fewer women having that desire, it also is plainly more difficult for women to act on those desires. apart from women having a harder time overpowering men, you also have to get them erect if you want to "properly rape" them. though, pegging and and other "not-the-man-penetrating" offences should most definitely be treated as rape, they require at least some preparation, and rape is most often committed in affect.
and honestly, I'd say that way more men would react consentingly to advances, resulting in situations that, for women, would result in non-consensual sex, while it results in consensual, or at least an not as non-consensual, sex for men.