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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Why do some men never buy gifts? Anonymous 26837

This genuinely confuses me. It's a common issue among male partners. Often the man will insist he can't afford a gift or doesnt know what his partner wants… But isn't it common knowledge that all a woman wants is to know her boyfriend cares enough to put effort in? Personally I'd settle for a pack of my favorite gum.

Anonymous 26842

gifts are a waste of time and money and I view anyone who wants one as somewhat selfish. Ive never bought a gift for someone, not even family and always ask people not to buy me things. I do give away things I think people would find useful if I dont want them tho

actually I did buy my mum a vape to help her quit smoking but idk if that counts

Anonymous 26844

Not OP but gifts can be sk meaningful even if they aren't expensive. Even if my boyfriend picked up something inexpensive for me at a store or even a food item i like, it makes me happy that he's thinking of me and went out of his way even though i didnt ask for it.

I buy him gifts too, seeing him happy makes me happy. Especially when you nail the gift and it makes the other person think "wow they know me so well". But yeah you shouldnt rely on gifts to make people happy. I would hate to be friends or date someone that would never buy me gifts or take my gifts, that sucks.

Anonymous 26849

Look up love languages. People have different ways of giving and receiving love. Like how >>26842 doesn't like gifts and would probably prefer other ways of showing affection (I hope). I myself don't care too much about gifts, but would prefer more if someone went out of their way to make me something (shows effort and creativity), or maybe do a chore I don't like to make things easier for me. Thankfully my boyfriend picked up on this, that I prefer actions more than words, and he writes me cheesy love letters, makes me small little crafts, does handy things around the house that would help me, and things like that. I've noticed he the type that absolutely lights up whenever I give him compliments so he gets dozens of those a day. When we're apart random little messages saying how handsome and amazing he is and how much I appreciate him. He absolutely loves little physical gestures like stroking his hair, holding hands, etc, so I do that all the time as well.

That's why it's important to have good communication with your partner and be extremely observant, you can show your love in ways your partner likes the most and vice versa. You can be honest about these things with your partner, maybe even reference a certain thing you did that you liked? Like "hey, I know this sounds kinda silly, but remember that one time you picked up x from the store for me? I just remembered it and it made me feel really appreciated, I love when you do those little things for me" or something like that. Or if they haven't, you can ask them to pick up small thing x, and really be appreciative about it. "It really makes me happy when you get me things I like"

Anonymous 26851

Anon that's a bit scary.. Gifts don't have to have monetary value if you're a bit of a penny pincher. It's about showing someone you care. Kids give their parents crappy arts and crafts gifts for example, and it's the thought that's touching.

Yeah I don't think gifts should carry a relationship, but if you love someone surely you'd want to make them happy with things they'd enjoy. I bought my old boss potatoes for his birthday as a joke, and it made him laugh. They were also useful because he loved baked potatoes.

Love languages always makes me hesitate. I hear that's mostly a scam or something, similar to those personality tests. But I do agree people probably love differently based on their personalities and upbringing.

Anonymous 26852

How would it be a scam? It should really be common sense that different people express their love in different ways. Of course you don't need a whole book to explain this but people are really that inept at knowing their partners in the first place.

Anonymous 26855

I don't really care for most gifts, either giving or receiving. This is irrespective of monetary value too, I care little for a pack of gum as equally as a big expensive gift.

But what I do like is anything that showed a lot of effort. My absolutely favourite gift is from a good friend of mine from long ago. We had taken a silly photo together at some point and she wanted to print it out but this was back on a crappy dumbphone camera and it couldn't really be printed. So the artist in her decided to just draw the picture of us on a huge canvas instead (didn't measure but around 30"x20" or so) and then she stretched it, framed it, and gave it to me as a birthday gift. i adore the thing.

Anonymous 27359

I love getting gifts but my bf of 3.5 years has yet to pick something, wrap it up, and give it to me. He made me some small shitty papercraft thing on my birthday. I regret not dating around and getting rid of my virginity earlier. I spent so much time on r9k, my mind has been poisoned about dating around. I've seen his posts about hurr durr my perfect asian qt3.14 virgin gf and about how great it is that i'm all low maintenance. Fucking disgusting.

Anonymous 27370

>I regret not dating around
What does dating around mean?

Anonymous 27372

>dating a guy that posts on r9k
You deserve this for being a retard

Anonymous 27377

getting attention from men without being tied down in relationship while you're still in your prime age and therefore most desired by most guys, literally hoe-ing around

Anonymous 27378

my bf got me a yoshi from build-a-bear like 2 christmas’s ago and reminds me of it every time since then that i’ve wanted something /: hasn’t gotten me a bday/valentine/anniversary/xmas or just because gift since then.. why are they like this

Anonymous 27383


So if you expect your partner to give you gifts in a relationship, presumably this means that you are also giving them gifts, yes? Because unless there were reciprocity I don’t see why gift giving would be expected.

relationship never haver

Anonymous 27384

I ain’t in a relationship, but I love giving gifts and hate receiving them

Anonymous 27393

>I've seen his posts about hurr durr my perfect asian qt3.14 virgin gf and about how great it is that i'm all low maintenance
>fucking disgusting
Agreed. I hope he finds someone better than you. You deserve much worse than him.

Anonymous 27413



Anonymous 27444

That's literally not what she said, read again and apologize to her for calling her a retard.

After you've done that, you can call her a retard again because she's obviously got a bf that likes her a lot but just displays his affection in a different way and she's just too blind to see that.

Anonymous 27456

Because it depends on how long you’ve been dating. If you have guy friends or browse sites where they actually discuss this stuff, they think of it as a numbers game where it’s not worth it to spend x amount of money if you aren’t doing x things. If you’ve been dating for over a year it’s a different story.

Anonymous 27463

Well yeah but OP just wants a pack of gum, not a diamond ring or expensive restaurant dinner.

Anonymous 27466

So why is she telling us instead of him?

Anonymous 27559

>But isn't it common knowledge that all a woman wants is to know her boyfriend cares enough to put effort in?
>Isn't it common knowledge
No. Men are stupid and often lack intuition that most of us would find incredibly basic and obvious. You have to be up front about what you want in most cases, or they're not gonna get it. The exceptions are men raised by single mothers, aunts, or older sisters growing up. But even they can be thick. I used to have a lot of trouble communicating with guys in my relationships until I started thinking about them as robot dogs. Robotic in that they need to be told exactly what to do or they won't do it. Dogs in that they crave positive reinforcement once they do the thing I wanted them to do. I'm not even talking about sex here. So many of them would melt from just being told, incredibly bluntly, that they're good people and I appreciate them.

Looking back on it, men are fucked up in a way that society doesn't talk about much. So just work around that and you won't run into the same issues I did for years, where things that should have seemed obvious didn't and I'd get heartbroken and offended because he had to be told something and couldn't figure out how I was feeling.

Anonymous 27560

Guys don't like guessing what a girl wants honestly. They read a lot of lame stuff when it comes to gift giving that makes it sound like women have incredibly high and annoying standards when it comes to gift giving. Including the cost of it. I think guys wouldn't mind so much if we just told them "Hey I want x thing but I can't afford it right now." They just don't want to fail, and then have the woman be mad at them for their failure in gift giving and then be in the cycle of buying shit hopping they guess right or face some kind of fight about how they don't know them. But again this is in the assumption that they have been dating a while. If you are a fresh couple they are inclined to not spend money for the sake of thot gold diggery that has become way more prolific recently and guys value their money over someone they suspect is only with them for free shit.

Anonymous 27561

>OMG why don't men know they have to give me free money and they shouldn't even need to be asked they must all be retarded because they aren't giving me all the free money I want

damn, entitled much?

Anonymous 27564

That's not what she said or even implied at all and you know it.

Anonymous 27565

By all means, explain what she did mean then

Anonymous 27566

You know that's kind of a harsh viewpoint. While the overall message is pretty on point and I believe more women need to openly verbally communicate with their male partner instead of doing this whole "It's so obvious what I'm thinking/feeling just do that!". I think you viewing them so poorly and unintelligent is really poor form. It's not they lack intelligence, women and men are just different people at a fundamental level. You treating them as not human is kind of fucked up.

Anonymous 27573

A lot of men are intelligent and capable but at the same time very unaware of themselves and how they interact with other people. They don't really think too deeply what's going on around them. Even my boyfriend told me "guys just walk around and look around" which is surprisingly accurate.
I think calling them robotic dogs is a bit much, but a lot of them definitely have to be taught how to be more self-aware, conscientious, and thoughtful. Unfortunately a lot of women tend to be doormats and not communicate what they actually want, furthering the cycle.

Anonymous 27575

I didn't feel like dancing around the point, so I was blunt. When it comes to emotional intelligence, most men are just not good at it. I admitted there were exceptions, and if you have a problem with my phrasing, that's fine. Point still stands: you have to be up front about what you want or you're going to be disappointed every single time.
You are illiterate. And probably also a disgruntled male incel, if that was your takeaway from my post.

Anonymous 27579

See, it's not word choice it's your shitty attitude towards men. Your attitude influences your word choice and it's coming out here. Like I said, I like how you are correct, but I hate your attitude towards the subject and other people shouldn't treat it in the same manner.

Anonymous 27620

Don't listen to the other anons, nothing you said was even remotely out of left field, and your viewpoint and attitude is clearly derived from actual experience.
Men, when faced with things up-front, will either bitch and whine, or they'll understand and shape up. Sink or swim.

I think many women are scared to be more blunt because they might get the first result. Not only will they feel guilty for being "too mean", the whole thing will force them to re-evaluate whether they even made the right choice in partner, and that's no fun when you're already close to someone.

That's what happened with me and my ex, and now I don't bullshit with guys anymore. With my current boyfriend, if I want something, I outright tell him I want it and ask if he could get it for me. If he gets pissy or insinuates I'm in the wrong for even asking, he's not the right one for me. I obviously won't push it if he can't afford it or if it's just not a good time to ask, but there's literally nothing wrong with stating your wishes loud and clear. Men who get upset about that sort of forthrightness or go on about "gold-diggers" (even when they themselves aren't even rich) are a big waste of time.

Anonymous 27663

Learn to read please. You can't skim something and assume we are telling them they are wrong. No one told that anon they were wrong about being straight forward, they are wrong for calling men "robotic dogs", basically dehumanizing them because they can't understand what she wants without being told verbally. Please, it doesn't take much time to actually read something outside of the first 5 words of a post, take the time it won't kill you.

Anonymous 27667

Ironic that you tell me to learn to read. Did you even read my post? I never said you "told them they were wrong", I directly stated "nothing you said was even remotely out of left field". As in, there was nothing bad about their tone or their "attitude".

For someone who seems to stress the importance of reading comprehension, it seems you lack it. It'd help you so much if you'd actually practice the things you try to pick at others for.
Also, quit telling women they're "too harsh" or making everything about their so-called "shitty attitudes" when they don't sugarcoat everything. It's pathetic.

Anonymous 27670

Did you even read her post? Her issue wasn't about being blunt with men, it was about how thinking men are subhuman because you have to talk to them.

Anonymous 27671

>what is hyperbole
You realize you're on an imageboard, right? She clearly still finds them tolerable and human enough to create bonding relationships with.

Anonymous 27672

>what is hyperbole
She clearly thinks they should be able to read minds.

Anonymous 27673

Sounds more and more like you're either the incel from >>27561, some other guy who can't read, or a walking example of my earlier point of bitching and whining when faced with things up-front.

Anonymous 27674

Did you even read her post?

Anonymous 27724

None of this discussion is actually proving that women aren't all gold-diggers you know.

Anonymous 27766

When you tell someone "Don't listen to other anons" that is saying "All other posts are incorrect and you need to listen to me." But reading the rest of this chain you are special kind of stupid so it doesn't matter. You are the type of stupid I see on twitter all day at this point. No ability to grasp the context of the conversation, but still willing to throw in their opinion and then die on a hill that wasn't relevant to the conversation to begin with while calling everyone else wrong.

Anonymous 27775

I give him gifts whenever I can manage it. I like making him happy.

I was venting, but I did tell him a couple days later.

I don't understand why it's so hard to get what someone wants. I understand if you've only dated for a month, and don't know the person… But surely men listen? Surely they can connect dots. "My girlfriend eats skittles. I will buy her skittles today." I understand that men can't guess what a woman feels, but not being able to figure out their hobbies, interests, or foods they like? Come on. And personally, all I want is just nice little things that prove he listens and wants to surprise me. Gum, a bookmark, etc. Nothing expensive or out there.

What's gold diggerish about wanting your boyfriend to pay attention to your interests and get you things that relate to them? I get my boyfriend comic books, food, video games. He didn't have to ask, I just did it because I care.

I don't know. I talked to him guys, and he said he heard me and would try. It just felt so weird to have to explain what I wanted. I guess from now on I'll be as blunt as possible, but it feels rude. Eh.. But he's a nice guy.

Anonymous 27777

The issue about the gold digging thing stems from the major core theme I see on this board when it comes to relationship communication break down with men. Everyone's mentality on here is "I think this way, and I am this way, thus my boyfriend must be this way too and I'm angry he isn't."

In this case it's more "I give gifts so I expect gifts in return." which isn't really a gift, but like a now romantic debt? It goes past the definition of what a gift is. You are basically expecting payment from him because you gave him a payment he never asked for. And that's why it's a bit gold diggish because you aren't doing it purely because you care and want to give things to someone to see them happy. It may be the major motivation, but now you desire it to be reciprocated which isn't what a gift is and that's why it must be conveyed. And in reality, it is a little rude, because you aren't being honest with yourself and the motivations behind these acts.

Anonymous 27785

You just gotta accept the fact that he just doesnt fundamentally care about your happiness unless it somehow benefits him directly as well. So dont expect gestures like this. And if it makes you sad that you do things to make him happy and show you care and they go unreciprocated, stop doing them. He probably doesn't appreciate it anyway

Anonymous 27786

You're misunderstanding me completely. I don't want gifts because I give gifts. I want them because to me, that's an expression of affection. Now if I do this often enough to notice I have nevwr been a gift, I am entitled to complain. Your reasoning doesn't make any sense here and you aren't bothering to read between to the lines.

No, I enjoy giving gifts and won't stop. If this begins to bother me too much I'll simply leave.

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