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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 28593

I was wondering if someone could give their insights into my situation. 3 months ago I added a guy from a thread. I wasnt expecting anything and it was supposed to be a language exchange thing, but we immediately had really good flowing conversation, and we started talking almost everyday. It turned out this guy was super hot and somehow, I was also his type. Before you ask, this was before he knew what I looked like, and its because we were talking about our types. I asked him what kind of girls he is into and he sent me some pictures. It was weird because a lot of these girls looked similar to me (hotter ofc, but same hair color/eye color/general look etc).

We started voice and videocalling and we would flirt a lot. Honestly I wasnt expecting anything to come of it, this guy is way out of my league, but for some reason he liked me. Then I found out he only lives around 250 miles away from me. It all seemed to be falling into place effortlessly.

The conversations starting turning sexual and we would lewd a lot, send pics etc. We had really similar kinks and tastes in almost everything, not just sex.

So then we started talking about meeting up. He offered to come to my town by train. Basically we were going to go on a date or two and if everything went well, we would probably end up fucking.

I started worrying he was only seeing me as a bootycall or fuckbuddy, but when I asked him, he said he was happy to call me his girlfriend, with the understanding that we would be meeting up irl soon. He told me early on that he has never done LDR before and he needs sex and a lot of physical contact, and distance is painful for him, so we needed to meet ASAP. I really wanted to meet him ASAP too.

He went on vacation for a month and we were supposed to be meeting when he came back. Anyway a couple days before he got back, I got the news that I need surgery on my throat. That means another 2-3 months of waiting to meet. Bear in mind its been 3 months already, and that would mean it was 6 months before we can realistically meet. Also we only live 250 miles apart. He kept pressing as to why and I explained that I get tonsillitis quite frequently and I need to have a tonsillectomy as well as vocal cord surgery. (I actually really regret telling him I get tonsillitis a lot because it makes me sound kind of gross but he kept pressing as to why I needed surgery)

I was dreading telling him this news. As soon as I told him, he told me he couldnt handle waiting any longer. I guess he was mad and upset that our plans had been cancelled. I cried a lot and asked him if this was the end of things. He said no, and that we could meet up when I had recovered. That gave me some hope that we will eventually meet, but the thing I regret most is telling him about my throat issues. A lot of the time we would talk about kissing, oral, etc. Wouldnt knowing I have thrust issues put him off? I wont have tonsillitis anymore after the surgery, but I am still worried it gave him an unappealing image of me. At the sane time it isnt something I have control over. Am I worrying about that too much?

Anyway right now I am trying to adjust to not speaking to him. Its been a few days and we havent talked. I am used to talking to him everyday often for hours. I am upset because I waited a month for him to get back from vacation, and he doesnt want to wait for me. It seems almost like as soon as he realized his physical needs couldnt be met ASAP, he dropped me. But at the same time, he did tell me earlier that LDRs are painful and we would need to see each other on a frequent basis irl for things to work. Which I agree with. He says he still really likes me and he hopes we can meet up eventually. But he said having to communicate through text or chat is weird and he hates feeling like he is in a relationship with a computer. He said we can still be friends and I can message him when I want, and to let him know when I have recovered so we can set a date to actually meet up. But I have too much pride to go running after someone who has essentially just dumped me until further notice.

I have a sinking feeling about the whole thing. Everything was going so great before, now it feels awkward and distant.

Usually I would say it sounds like he just wanted to get laid, but its been 3 months of incessant calls, texts and FaceTiming. I think he was serious about me. I think he was genuinely upset and disappointed. Maybe he even felt like I was making up an excuse not to see him. I am just wondering what the fuck I should do now. I have been going to the gym, losing weight and getting my makeup more on point. So should I just continue working on myself?

Sorry if this is long but ive literally never met someone who seemed so perfect for me, that I am so attracted to, that I got along with so well so fast, and that I felt so strongly about. I dont want to lose him or be away from him any longer than I have to be.

Anonymous 28595

>thrust issues

Lol I meant throat issues. But like I said, I really regret sharing those details with him. We were talking about me deepthroating him and stuff, now I wonder if he is repulsed by the whole thing. But why would he say he still wants to meet up later on then? And I dont have tonsillitis ALL the time, just every couple months or so. Obviously I wasnt intending to blow or kiss him when I have a throat infection lol. But I guess he thought of me in a sexual way before. Now I just wish I hadnt ruined his idealized image of me.

Also something that upset me was that he has always been quite the possessive type, doesnt like me hanging out with guys and I enjoy that, but when he said we needed a break, he kept saying ‘Feel free to date other people.’ That actually saddened and hurt me because I am absolutely not interested in dating any other guys whatsoever. I still love him deeply and intend to save my pussy for him.

I dont know if he was saying it just to be the bigger person or male himself feel less guilty about seeing new girls himself, but I told him over and over that I am not interested in dating anyone else. I felt like he was trying to trap me in a sense. If he thinks I am a whore or is imagining me fucking other guys, it is easier for him to emotionally detach himself from me and hate me, right?

I am not gonna let him justify himself hating or devaluing me. I was upset because I know he is probably going to be fucking other girls in the meantime. But we are on a break anyway and he needs sex. I just feel upset that he thought I would even cross my mind to get with other guys, especially after he was so possessive and jealous before.

Anonymous 28600

He may be thinking that your tonsillitis is an excuse for you not to meet with him and may be thinking somewhat of the same thing you're thinking about him (not interested, probably fucking some guys, etc).
BUT, it's just really hard for me to understand how he couldn't be more thoughtful for you after you've explained it to him a dozen times already. It should be obvious to him that you're very interested because even though you've stated your condition, you're making an effort to stay in contact, so that definitely rules out disinterest in your part. What's worse is that he's already offered to 'still be friends'.
I'm afraid that this is probably just physical attraction. Seriously, both of you aren't in a serious relationship yet, and you already got into a 'relationship hump'? It's a big red flag for me fam.

Anonymous 28603

>Wouldnt knowing I have thrust issues put him off?
Definitively not.
>Maybe he even felt like I was making up an excuse not to see him.
That is much more likely. I would advise you to keep messaging him and also make it clear that you DO want to meet him ASAP too.

Anonymous 28605


Yeah now I think about it, I guess it did sound like a kind of lame excuse. I would feel terrible if he thought I didn’t want to meet up or had lost interest. I’m desperate to see him, I miss him constantly. I think he was doing damage control by ending things abruptly like that. I do genuinely adore him and I want to meet up with him as soon as I possibly can. But I cant while I’m having these throat issues. The op probably won’t be for another two months then it’s 2 weeks at least recovery. We are both extremely frustrated.

Anonymous 28606

It currently is just physical attraction, he is a very realistic person and doesn’t think you can love someone without meeting them. He said he does genuinely like me a lot though and wants to meet so we can let it grow and progress into an actual romance. He called what we had a relationship, and was fine with me referring to him as my boyfriend and he would refer to me as his girlfriend. Also we would only lewd from time to time. A lot of the time our conversations were non sexual, and he was good and consistent with communication, so he wasn’t just using me. But everything is depending on meeting irl. Everything was running smoothly until a few days ago when I told him there would be a delay. Neither of us have been taking it well.

Anonymous 28607

Just tell him all that you big dummy.
On the side note, why can't you meet him before the operation?

Anonymous 28608

Why can't you meet up during the recovery process, iirc it shouldn't take that long and you can surely leave out a day or two to meet up, maybe do some non sexual stuff that doesn't involve mouth work and have fun to see if you click irl? Sorry I'm not sure how removing tonsils works but iirc it was only a couple of weeks of recovery and a few days in the hospital. I might be wrong. Like other anon said, why not meet up before the surgery?
Also being comfortable around a person you love is very important. If you're not comfortable with telling him your health issues and vice versa you're not really looking at each other like partners, just casual distanced sex buddies. He can still find you hot knowing you get sick from time to time kek it's how all human bodies work. My boyfriend saw me at my most disgusting and he still fucks the shit out of me every day without a problem.

Anonymous 28609

This guy is the kind of dude who would probably cheat on you and yet you're talking about deepthroating him. Get some standards. Instead of trusting you he throws a tantrum. Saying he can't wait is an ultimatum, implying he's going to replace you for another booty call. If he really cared about you and loved you, he'd wait. My LDR bf was absolutely clingy and obsessed and he waited years for me, without pressuring me
You might think, is it realistic for someone to wait years? If he loves you yes. He's seeing he can't get sex from you so he's bailing.

Anonymous 28610

I’m seconding this, dude sounds like an entitled ass

Anonymous 28616

We know each other pretty well, but obviously some things are a little TMI I guess, especially when you havent physically met yet. Obviously I want to make a good impression. I think I was just overthinking that stuff.


He is a literal Chad though who could get or fuck pretty much any girl he wants. I was honestly flattered he even gave me a second look, let alone wait 3 months to see me or called me his girlfriend. I am not super pretty, I dont consider myself his looksmatch. Not even close.

I can see why some people might assume he only sees me as a long distance bootycall. But I wonder what the point in that would even be, when he could go on tinder and fuck 10 different, much hotter girls in a night in his own city? We both have high sex drives. That’s all I know. And part of why I like him.

He found me attractive for some reason I don’t understand, but also said he liked my personality too. He was not preying on me or telling me what I wanted to hear, because like I said, the ‘hot’ girls he showed me before he had ever seen a picture of me, genuinely looked similar to me. A lot of our encounter was based on physical attraction sure, but it was deeper in many ways too.

If I met up and we fucked, would he immediately dump me afterwards? Who knows. Its a risk. Especially when it is the first time meeting. But it makes no sense to me that someone who could fuck any girl he wants closeby him, would bother wasting his time on me if there wasnt a genuine connection there. Like I said, there was more than just lewding going on. He didnt just hit me up whenever he was horny. Also he is a very straightforward and blunt person. In a way thats what makes it all confusing.

Anonymous 28617

Also, I asked him a while ago if he had lost attraction or romantic interest in me. He said no, and if he had lost attraction or interest in me, he would be honest about it and end things.

Naturally when he ended things, I asked him if it was because of the above reasons. He said no, and that it was nothing to do with how he feels about me, and that he hadnt lost his feelings for me at all. He said it is painful for him to be apart from someone he genuinely likes, especially for long periods of time. I admit I am heavily biased towards him because I like him so much, so my judgment is rather clouded atm.

All I know is he is a very honest person and if he likes something he says it, and if he doesn’t, he’ll say it too. He is not a liar. Brutally honest if anything.

Anonymous 28619

I dunno, I think you're just enamored with the fact that he's attractive and you probably don't think you have another shot at an attractive guy. Maybe you two do have some things in common but it seems like it all takes a backseat to the sexual attraction aspect. You're putting him on a pedestal for his looks. If you feel like you can deal with the high chance of him using you, go for it, I guess.

I also think it's a huge red flag that when you told him you were getting surgery and needed to recover he made it about him and his ~needs~ instead of worrying about you having a legit medical condition. It's also sad you were beating up yourself over being gross for having surgery because it meant you couldn't "please" him as better? If I were you I would have ended things there honestly, as it shows where his priorities lie. I know you are infatuated and want to make excuses for him but he doesn't care about you sis.

You need to take a step back and reevaluate your self-worth. Do you really think you deserve for him to treat you this way?

Anonymous 28625

I have very low self esteem. Been to therapy, read all kinds of self help material, it helps for a short while but it always comes back to feeling inadequate and not good enough. I have also let people treat me like a doormat in the past due to finding it hard to stick up for myself. My dad was physically abusive and raised me to believe girls were basically just for looking pretty, sex and having babies. So it feels like my duty to always make an effort and look and act as appealing as possible.

I guess I am infatuated with his appearance. But he was also very funny, charming, brave, interesting, intelligent etc and he gave me a lot of encouragement and wanted me to love myself more. He has a lot of good qualities. He was never mean to me, except in a lewd context, which I basically encouraged.

Obviously I want his love and affection but at this point my self esteem is so low I don’t think I would even care about being used as a bootycall by him, and I know I will have no one to blame but myself. It’s embarrassing to admit but I genuinely do not feel like I will ever do any better than him.

Anonymous 28633

>But he was also very funny, charming, brave, interesting, intelligent etc
halo effect.

Anonymous 28635

Don't listen to the bitter femcels ITT OP. Just tell the guy you genuinely want to meet him ASAP also. But because of the surgery it can only be at mm/dd/yyyy. Set a firm date.

Anonymous 28636

No, even before I knew what he looked like, we had amazing conversation flow and he was hilarious. This was when we were just voice calling. Then when I FaceTimed with him the first time I was like is this guy even real?

Anonymous 28637

>I was like is this guy even real?
You got me curious, can you post his pic please? :3

Anonymous 28644

Nope, I don't have his permission. But he was blond, blue eyes, 6'3, and athletic with nice jawline and cheekbones. Really good looking but he didn't even think he was that hot.

Anonymous 28645


>>28635 is right.

He told you straight up that he would like to meet when you are ready. Just work on yourself, sort this issue out, heal a bit, arrange a date, meet him, hang out, have sex (if you want to that is) and just see how things go.

I don't think it's too much to want a physical relationship over long distance. Some people's personalities are just not cut out for LDRs, while others can wait for ages.

You have to accept that he will most likely be fucking other girls in the meantime though. Attractive men have a large dating pool to choose from. Instead of just blocking or ghosting you, he is willing to give you another shot, that is good.

If you like him as much as you say, and you are willing to forgive it, and he is really that hot and fun to be around, just go for it.

Anonymous 28744

By god
It's like reading a story full of red flags. How did you let it get to this? Surely the whole 250 miles away LDR would have been the first "maybe this isn't the right choice"?

Anonymous 28778

>You have to accept that he will most likely be fucking other girls in the meantime though. Instead of just blocking or ghosting you, he is willing to give you another shot, that is good.
Damn, you need to gain some self-worth and stop being such a pick-me. Look how this guy treats her when he doesn't get exactly what he wants? He's entitled and doesn't give a shit about her, doesn't matter how hot he is if he doesn't treat her well or care about her.

Anonymous 28864


Anonymous 28869

If he as hot as she says he is, and all he is looking for from her is sex, why would he be wait those 3 months for her? It doesn’t make any sense. You know how easy it is to get laid when you’re a conventionally attractive white guy? It just sounds like a bunch of bitter femcels who don’t want her to have sex with Chad because they can’t get a decent guy themselves.

I’ve seen how hot guys get treated irl. Women throw themselves at them, especially if they’re tall and outgoing.

Anonymous 28873

Because the guy has nothing else to lose but time in order to get her. He probably figured he could just fuck on the side while waiting to meet her.
Of course, in the end, everything in this thread is merely speculation and OP will just have to take the risk in a chance of achieving happiness. She knows him best than any of us. OP will just have to decide whether a heartbreak is worth having a chance with this guy she's in love with, and if she thinks it's worth it, then she should probably go for it.

Anonymous 28881

Plenty of guys (even attractive ones) wait that long especially if it's something low maintenance like an online relationship. Seems like they have similar kinks as well so maybe she's willing to do things for him some other girls won't, so it gives him another reason to stick around.
Tbh it sounds like sex is the main thing here, maybe there is some fondness but it takes a backseat to the sex. She wasn't able to promise sex so he got more distant and cold. This is how your average scrote will act. If you really want to see if a guy truly loves you, hold back on the sex and see how he reacts? Does he get impatient and pushy? You've got you answer.

Anonymous 28882

>If you really want to see if a guy truly loves you, hold back on the sex and see how he reacts? Does he get impatient and pushy? You've got you answer.

Most guys will assume this means you are not sexually attracted to them and start discretely looking for other options

Anonymous 28883

Then he's garbage, you dodged a bullet. If you tell a decent man that you aren't ready they will wait. Don't have sex to keep someone around, that's pathetic.

Anonymous 28885

Scrote? Lmao is this the femcel equivalent of roastie? That’s hilarious.

Anonymous 28887

>>Withhold a normal and important part of adult relationships from your partner and see if he responds poorly. If he doesn’t like being prevented from having normal relations, he’s trash.

God this really is female r9k.

Anonymous 28888

It's about protecting yourself and being responsible. You don't have sex with any man who walks your way but someone who is worth being in a committed relationship with and will treat you right. A lot of men are after sex and are not upfront about it. They will manipulate you into a relationship and say what you want to hear. That's why you can only look at their actions and how they react when they don't get what they want. That's when you see their true character. Women have to be more careful with the men they interact with.

Anonymous 28890

NTA and I agree about being careful with someone but not after expressing sexual interest in a way op did. It can be really hard for people in ldrs because you're missing a crucial part of the relationship the whole time (not just sex but everything the physical realm entails) and suddenly doing a 180 when they meet up would like you said piss off the more dangerous guys but the decent ones would probably just second guess themselves and feel bad while respecting your sudden change of heart. People should just be more honest in general with what they want so there's no need for hot and cold games but alas.

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