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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent
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I think I'm done with my relationship Anonymous 30379

I know my boyfriend doesn't love me as much as I love him. I also know in the event I stopped trying altogether, our relationship would crumple. I am the support beams. I am the affection. I am the energy. I am the therapist. I am the one who tries. And when I am not, there is nothing. Nothing, until I can get back on the horse and become everything the relationship needs to breathe.

And I just can't do it anymore. I think about this so often now, even when we're both happy and there's nothing wrong. I think to myself, I can't do this. Three years of my life down the drain. I chase men who could never make me happy, it's always like this.

I give up. Fuck it. I would've died in childbirth anyway, and what man would've proposed to me regardless. I'll just be the weird aunt that drinks too much.

Anonymous 30380

>>30379
you could always try and find someone else that will make you happy!

Anonymous 30381

>>30380
Being happy is my own responsibility, it's not fair to pin that on someone else. The only trouble here is that he makes me the opposite of happy sometimes, I guess. I get that you're trying to be supportive or uplifting, but really I just want to sulk before I have to end things with him. Thank you though, I appreciate it.

Anonymous 30385

I kind of felt the same in my previous relationship, especially in regards to the "three years of my life down the drain" part which made it hard for me to break things off. Do what's best for you anon, it's hopefully going to be a learning experience for your boyfriend as it was for mine and he learns to become a better person.

Anonymous 30387

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>>30379
I know exactly how it feels to feel like you're doing all the work, and that everything you love about the relationship would fall apart if not for you. At this point you have to ask, why put in all this effort?
You said that you feel this way even when you two are happy. So obviously you two enjoy being with each other.

Evaluate what you get out of it. Now don't just be a petty femcel being lazy specifically to elicit a reaction from the man. This kind of confrontation will probably just upset him.

But at the same time, you deserve someone who values you as much as you value him. If he cannot be that for you, you have to end things. No man, even if he temporarily makes you happy, is worth a life of unbearable stress and anguish.

Anonymous 30389

>>30387
that's fairly insightful

Thank you.

Anonymous 30394

>>30379
I am the support beams. I am the affection. I am the energy. I am the therapist. I am the one who tries. And when I am not, there is nothing. Nothing, until I can get back on the horse and become everything the relationship needs to breathe.

Okay. That sound very cool and poetic, but what does it mean in practical terms?

Anonymous 30395

>>30394
not that anon, but it doesn't take an english degree to understand what she means here

Anonymous 30396

>>30395
It could mean a whole lot of different things. It's super vague open to interpretation.
How are you supposed to give advice based on that?

Anonymous 30397

>>30396
I don’t know what’s so hard to understand, she’s saying she’s the only one putting effort into the relationship.

Anonymous 30398

>>30397
Define "putting in effort".
I imagine you can do it in a mirriad of ways.

Anonymous 30404

cd6.jpg

>>30394
>>30396
>>30398

Yes it can mean many things but what is important is the emotion behind them. It doesn't matter if she gives him a back rub or cooks him dinner or writes him poetry. What matters is that she pours her heart out to him and he's like lolk

Anonymous 30405

>>30394
I'm not sure the language hits purple prose levels. I just meant that I try very hard to keep him happy. I'm always there. I try to understand him and I've always done the chasing. If I stopped all of that today, the relationship would end within days. Not from him dumping me, but just from neither of us saying a word.

>>30404
Basically this.

Anonymous 30409

>>30379

Why do people always say they don't break up because they've spent so much time in a relationship? If you truly feel that way, why even waste more time?
I don't view bad relationships as wasted time. I view them as learning experience for future relationships. Sometimes you need a little longer to learn the lesson.

You're unhappy because you know you're the only one carrying the relationship. End it and remember that for the next time.

Anonymous 30411

>>30405
Jesus, it's finally sort of clear.

Did you ever think that maybe you two need different levels of personal engagement in a relationship?
For example, you want to talk to him every day while he is comfortable talking to you every other day. Just a crude example.

The eady way to test it would be to break away for a bit and see if HE starts seeking YOU this time.

Anonymous 30412

>>30404
>What matters is that she pours her heart out to him and he's like lolk

Am I just being too cynical or does anyone else think that most relationships are like that? That girls and women tend to put more effort into "cultivating" it while the guys are just content with having someone they can regularly fuck?

Anonymous 30414

>>30412

Sometimes it's also the other way round.

Anonymous 30415

>>30414
Please give me some concrete examples.

Anonymous 30418

>>30415

A friend of mine is in a relationship with a real bitch. He's trying his best to please her, but she's just getting more and more distant.
Dunno why he doesn't just break up with her.

Anonymous 30422

>>30414
>>30412
In my experience a lot of relationships are like this. One partner needs the other more than the other, and so they have to work harder to keep the other. I've seen both the male and the female being the needy hard working ones in a relationship. But the important thing is it's a power dynamic where only one has the power.

Anonymous 30436

>>30409
I didn't say I won't break up with him because of sunken cost. I said it makes me feel bad that I'll have to due to the time lost. It's good to view it as a learning experience, but that doesn't really change the fact that a person in a relationship is going to be upset when it ends. That's just being human.

>>30411
I do believe we need different levels of engagement. But in the end, most relationships are like that and I always attract people who want to put in less than me. So if that is almost always the case, what's the point?

>>30412
I don't think that's cynical at all. It sounds fairly true.

>>30422
Also probably true. Do people just get comfortable with knowing they'll always be the one who cares most, or what? I don't understand how a relationship could last like that.

Anonymous 30437

>>30412
Nah. That's usually how it be. Men are garbage, dump them all, convert to lesbianism
/thread

Anonymous 30445

>>30436
>I do believe we need different levels of engagement. But in the end, most relationships are like that and I always attract people who want to put in less than me. So if that is almost always the case, what's the point?

Indeed, if it's almost always the case, what's the point of breaking up with this guy that you've already spent time on?

Anonymous 30450

>>30445
Because I'm miserable and could learn to enjoy my own company without feeling inadequate?

Anonymous 30452

>>30450
It's not very likely that you'd be able to learn to enjoy life on your own?

Why can't you try what I have suggested? Stop carrying the relationship and see if the guy changes his behavior in any way?

Anonymous 30659

>>30436
>I do believe we need different levels of engagement. But in the end, most relationships are like that and I always attract people who want to put in less than me. So if that is almost always the case, what's the point?

Not that anon, but you're right that most relationships have partners who have different levels of engagement. However not all of them are as mismatched as yours and your bf's, and it's possible to do better.

It's also possible to change who you attract by changing how you relate to people. This will take time and might necessitate digging deep into your own emotional baggage (which we all have and all need to sort through occasionally). This is just a cold read but I'm gonna guess you're hyper responsible in other areas of your life. That can happen if you have an alcoholic parent or other childhood circumstances where you had to learn very early how to do for other people. So I don't know where to tell you to start because I don't know you, but a good question to ask is "do I put as much effort into taking care of myself as I do into my relationships with others, and if not how can I do that?"

There's always the possibility he can save the relationship. People get lazy and it's possible he loves you but is just taking you for granted and doesn't know how much work you're putting into it. Or maybe he's not that invested and is just enjoying the gravy train, in which case he def has to go. If you haven't yet, talk to him about how you feel. If he goes "oh shit I had no idea" and makes visible efforts to put in more effort, great; if he's like "sorry this is all the effort I think this relationship is worth" or if he makes big promises and doesn't deliver, you're better off without him.

Anonymous 30667

1570782892984.jpg

Wow, I just got out of a situation just like yours. Like my relationship with him was exactly as you described. When I finally just gave up and stopped trying, he ended up breaking up with me a week later. Honestly, I'm glad he did because I think I wanted to break up ages ago because I really was the only one who tried or seemed to care about the relationship.though I was too scared to break up because of the amount of time we dates
Now that was a few days ago and I don't even feel sad, I feel free. It sucks that I wasted nearly two years of my life with him but at least I'm still youngish I guess.



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