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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 31021

i dont really know where to complain about this, either way even talking about it might make me sound like a transphobe but here it is: i have so many female friends that are turning into transmen. I am not against them doing this, honestly they're good people but… since there's so many of them around me i feel like it isn't really a trans issue but more of a self esteem one. A lot of them have had bad experiences with men, were lesbians and overall envied how "easy it was from a guy's perspective". I dont want to judge them for choosing this life but there's so much of them now. The funny thing is that they're all part of the art community in some sort. If anyone can explain to me why this is happening, why there's so many of them that are starting to become transguys (like this is getting a little bit ridiculous), i'd gladly listen. If i decided to ask this here, it's mostly because on other platforms i'll be called out for being transphobic without anyone explaining me why im being transphobic; and also because since this is a FtM issue some of you might help me understand better. I feel like more and more girls envy men's lives when in reality both men and women have their own set of struggles.
Basically, im starting to become sick of it on the long run, even if i try to be nice and accepting. Just why the fuck is it happening?!

Anonymous 31022

I feel like there’s a lot of young women who are mistaking masculine behavior/body dysmorphia for actual gender dysphoria. It’s like these people forgot the word ‘tomboy’ exists.

Anonymous 31023

Both of the FtM I’ve met were autistic

Anonymous 31025

Why is the transgerder population growing so fast?
I hate how science and medicie are lenient with it.

Anonymous 31026


The thing which makes me sick is that a lot of them actually undergo HRT and want me to call them by male pronouns. Honestly, where does this come from ? why are so many girls starting to be like this ?
I didnt mind at first since i had like 3 friends doing this but now i slowly see more and more of my female mutuals demanding this.

I can't say the ones i know are autistic since i can't diagnose (yet; i plan on studying mental health) but almost all of them have some kind of fucking social anxiety. Almost all of them suffer some form of depression and almost all of them have weird fetiches or have had traumatising experiences with men. One of them even told me about how what makes her (or him?) get off is the thought of torturing/cutting/choking/abusing her GF and that she is worried because her behaviour around her GF has become dangerous. Like last time they were making out she started slapping her, and choking her until she cried and couldn't move.
The fact that a lot of them are from the art community just makes it look a bit silly.

The transgender population is on the grow and everyone says "it's because it's easier to come out now" but i highly doubt that's the reason.

Anonymous 31028

It's for the same reasons you see the MtF population growing at an alarming rate : grass is always greener on the other side.

People unsatisfied with some aspect(s) of their life (love, career or whatever) think "wouldn't it be so much better and life so much easier if I was the opposite sex ?"

Now this is nothing new, but what IS new is the trans acceptance meme that has permeated a big portion of today's society, especially urbanite , college educated upper-middle class people. That includes a lot if doctors, psychologists and psychatrists.

So your average tranny feels unsatisfied with some aspect of their life and often has some other mental illness or condition, gets so fixated on the idea that it would be so much easier if they were the opposite sex, goes to a psychologist/psychiatrist, gets prescribed HRT pills really easily, and then regrets his or her choice a few months or years later and ends up commiting suicide.

This is why you see all these trannies : because instead of trying to help these people feel better about themselves and have a fulfilling life, we hand out HRT pills instead. Kind of reminiscent of the time US doctors used to hand out opioïds willy-nilly, which lead to the opioïd crisis of today.

Anonymous 31029

How do they even get the "grass is always greener on the other side" idea with transgenderism ?
My guess is that it is now being pushed everywhere, especially on campus. Even in day to day life i have to see some transgender-accepting rhetoric. I can't even have a normal conversation with my FtM friends about this issue.

Anonymous 31031

Have you never thought that men have it easier, at least in some aspects of life ? Have you never felt envious at least once ? Well now you can be one ! (except not really)

And of course the constant hammering of trans acceptance, and that it's a perfectly normal thing helps people make the jump between the two ideas.

Anonymous 31033


I can get that men can have it easier on certain aspects but completely denying the fact that men can have it rough too is painly ignoring reality. The same as thinking this for women.
I just do not understand why the people that transition think their life will be perfect once they make this jump. This is just straight up delusion.
Most of the time, they're either gonna regret or meet huge disaproval from their familly/friends. If they want to fix their life, then fixing something external as the body isn't going to be any help.
Plus I feel like most of them want people to admire them once they transition. For example people thinking they finally manage to look good, etc… It just smells like a huge self esteem issue.

Plus the crazy thing is that i know a girl, or should i say a…. guy… She has been abused by men so many times, and now she is transitionning. She told me about how she wants to be a guy but to not look like a guy because all men are potential predators. (She told me about how she fears men). I told her that i understand why she might fear men, and even i sometimes keep my guards on around men but this is straight up hate (often in the jokes/opinions) or delusional fear. I guess yeah, trauma can do that… But this makes me more or less worried on how it'll eventually turn out because i feel like she's transitioning for gaining more "power". Like if you think about this: when she got assaulted, it's as if she got tainted as weak by men. Men who were stronger than her. So sometimes i think she's transitionning to get some "strenght" back and thinks that by becoming a man this will help her. (Plus her hostility towards men really doesn't help male/female friendships anymore, i feel everyone hates each other now in some form or another, and no one wants to actually do some effort to make things better/more stable. And this can partly explain why when a girl is being nice to a guy, guys tend to think it's romantic feelings and not just friendship.)

This transgender thing worries me much more than makes me angry honestly. My friends are so deeply impacted and i do not think this will be helpful on the long run.

Anonymous 31035

Look at the shit you're writing. Really think about it, look at the poeple you're describing. You're talking about people who have traumas, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, are sexually deranged, etc. They're mentally I'll, and instead of trying to get help for whatever specific problem they have, they're coddled by everyone and jump on top of the latest thing that all the other mentally ill people are doing. All the unstable people in your social circle are copying each other. I would advice you to stay away, they don't sound like people who would have a positive impact in your life.

Anonymous 31036

The thing is that im pretty much stable in my life. I've almost made all i could to overcome my struggles. But all of them just prefer to go to the easy road and jump on the "let's be trans guys" meme. I just miss the older days when they didnt know much about this trans bullshit, sure they had issues but they didn't impose their ways onto others.
I do want to leave the group sometimes but i can't just leave friends behind, you know?

Anonymous 31041

In regards to this specifically there's pressure from the "transgender community" that tomboys are gross or something to be pushed away. Obviously if you like male things you must be male right? :^)
There has been actually study done finding that those who identify as transgender have a higher chance of being autistic. A quick search brought me this http://theses.gla.ac.uk/5755/ but it's been something people have been generally aware of for years now.
Because the "gatekeeping" for the diagnosis went down. Transgender individuals have been documented in "modern society" as soon as the Weimar Republic before WWII. While I can't deny that at some level there is legitimacy for the diagnosis (for example, intersex individuals that presented as "male" wanting instead to identify as "female") there used to be very stringent guidelines that, in order to meet diagnostic criteria, other mental illnesses (such as depression, social anxiety, schizophrenia etc.) had to be officially ruled out. Assuming that, altogether, nothing else was wrong with the individual, they had to have "real life experience" as the other gender for at least a year before they could be given any meds, as a trial to demonstrate whether or not the person felt legitimately better about the situation. Then and only then were pills prescribed and the person started there transition.

With the new radical acceptance approach people are just taken at their word that this will make them feel better, given the pills and let loose. Hell, in the US there are clinics that give you a form stating basically "I take all responsibility if I regret this decision and only find out later." I don't think this should happen with any mental illness criteria as it leads to a huge concern of confirmation bias on the doctor end. If you start handing out pills to whoever asks then yes, some people will feel better in the short term, I have no doubt some people will feel better in the long term too, but you'll get people that don't want to admit "I have a problem" and instead say "my body is the problem" and try to solve their mental illness that way. When the results aren't expected, when they're now not only someone with serious mental health issues but also look nothing like they imagined they would, things will most likely only get worse for them.

I really feel for you OP. I was involved in the transgender community for a little bit and it truly is filled with only broken people. They're not all villains, not all crazies that just want to hurt everyone around them, just people that have a lot of issues and are trying to find solutions to those issues, mostly in the wrong places. Hell, it was a pretty funny thing to watch as those who actually successfully transitioned and "looked passable" (relatively) just sort of cut all contact with those still struggling. I don't know if there's any good advice for you. It's probably a very stressful thing for you to watch. All I can say is that you encourage some of your friends to get professional help in addition to their transitioning, help them see if they have any deeper issues involved. With mental illness all you can really do is be there for them (with in a reasonable expectation of your own safety and mental health) and try and steer them towards for stable solutions.

Anonymous 31044


I've suggested one of my friends to go seek mental health, since she doesn't get to see a psychologist/psychiatrist. But that's all i can do, and also of course being there. I just feel like my friends are breaking themselves appart! We all met because we were into drawing… I dont know, sometimes i feel selfish for wanting to "fix them". It's not my job (even if i want to study mental health), and i shouldn't be too emotionally invested in this.
I just naturally want to help my friends, because this is what friends do.

In the end I just fear a huge metldown from my friends. I already know that FtM detransitioning is very high. They'll either feel like they've wasted their time or become more insane since transitioning won't make them happier.

Anonymous 31059

Just send them to neovagina or neopenis disasters subreddit to learn what can happen. Maybe this will explain high suicide rates for them better than apparent bullying.

Anonymous 31069

I first started getting suspicious when more than half of my online (tumblr) friend group transitioned from female to male. I could accept on a one-off basis, but the fact that more than half of them transitioned made me begin to wonder what was going on.

I think it stems from a number of places. I was a teenager when the real tumblr trans movement started to incubate, so I feel like I was affected in ways I’m still trying to sort out. This thread has already touched on transition as self-defence and being a way to direct attention in the way one wants it- mainly away from the notion of one being a woman, and all the cultural baggage that comes with that. When I was younger, it was enormously appealing to me that I could escape what being female was, because of the visceral discomfort and fear that came with the physical realties, as well as feeling completely alienated by the cultural story of what a ‘woman’ was meant to be. (The thing here is that the story of what ‘comes naturally to women’ was told by all sides of the political spectrum, so it wasn’t just sexism as people commonly conceive of it. The ‘let girls be girls!!!’ brand of feminism may have come into this, as instead of dispelling mocked feminine behaviors as just normal human stuff to do that anyone could do if they wanted, they were accidentally enshrined as natural and sacred feminine practices. I felt alienated because I felt different from the Sacred Female model, and assumed that since apparently this was what the cultural consensus was for being female, something must be up with me.)

If one really thinks about the Grand Pronouns Kerfuffle in the original way that pronouns are understood, a piece of the puzzle comes into place: Pronouns were, originally, a symptom of a way a person instinctually saw you. That means if someone calls you ‘she’, they’ve associated you with their concept of what a woman is in their head. That’s where the hurt of the pronoun comes from, and I think this is where most of the NB crowd gets their massive language police issue: they’ve got it ass-backwards and think that the tail is wagging the dog of their discomfort.

It’s fascinatingly… defeatist in a sense, because you get people trying to change themselves in the face of a society that they feel never will. I’ve seen people talk about being FtM to be a normal, free, respected citizen and I’ve seen people talk about being MtF in order to be loved or treated gently for the first time in their life. It’s a strategy to live happily in a system that they think of as irreparably broken. I think there is some unfortunate reality to the different way that the sexes are received by society, but I would like to think that if there was a push to do better that we could improve these circumstances.

Bonus round for the niche factors that may be playing into OP’s particular group: If the artist circle you’re in was a fanart circle, you’re going to have a lot of people deeply invested and immersed in story. The issue with these kinds of communities can be that a great deal of media that explores emotional nuance (and even relationships worth a damn) is heavily male-dominated, so one finds themselves discovering humanity primarily in the context of being male. We as humans weren’t really made to understand ourselves, so we’re cursed to try and look to our environment and find what feels right. If all they’ve ever found is male, and some very weak or alienating female stories, their picture of the world will reflect that. A sub-branch of this can be the BL community, where a young woman might begin to understand her attraction to men in a male/male context. Since We Live In A Society and heterosexual relations are not good a lot of the time, it’s easy to take the approach of ‘I don’t want to be seen or treated as a woman in a relationship so I must not be one’. Also- straight cis people in hyper-left spaces are treated as inherently stupid and evil and tasteless and insensitive, so surely they could never be one.

Anonymous 31071

>I feel like more and more girls envy men's lives when in reality both men and women have their own set of struggles.

ok I get this. I also don't speak these thoughts in person because I know it'll get misconstrued.

I see a lot of guys in my circle coming out as women, transitioning, therapy… they're unappreciated and miserable as men and echo chamber all the good stuff about being a woman (with none of the bad) during formative years. Same exact story other way around. Fucking dangerous.

I feel like there would be a lot less ftm/mtf if no one traumatized eachother over wanting to try makeup as a guy, talk about your feelings as a guy, gave girls less shit about sex and sexuality, policing women's bodies etcetera… simple examples but you feel me? Out of the several dozen trans friends I know, inside I consider only two or three actually transgender and the rest people who have cracked from pressures, struggles, traumas, and lack of healthy guidance about sex and gender. (And I guess a few outliers that are just trash attention whores.)

I don't give my friends shit even if I vehemently disagree with some decisions they make about their bodies. What I do is accept whatever they need help getting accepted and that seems to help ease them out of those poisonous tumblr type groups; I don't lift a finger, people are smart enough to figure it out on their own if you give them a chance to feel heard, and then support them being happy about themselves in a healthy way. They soon grow out of it unless they have the IQ of a wet towel.

Anonymous 31140

>I don't give my friends shit even if I vehemently disagree with some decisions they make about their bodies. What I do is accept whatever they need help getting accepted and that seems to help ease them out of those poisonous tumblr type groups; I don't lift a finger, people are smart enough to figure it out on their own if you give them a chance to feel heard, and then support them being happy about themselves in a healthy way. They soon grow out of it unless they have the IQ of a wet towel.

I guess this is the most reasonable thing to do. I don't want to lecture them on how what they're doing will be harmful. Just like you said, they'll figure it out on their own.

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