bad dads Anonymous 3103
Does anyone else have issues with their father?
Men are trash, including most dads. I know one person who has what I’d actually call a good dad. Toxic masculinity and general male uselessness in the arenas of child rearing (not because men inherently suck at it but because boys and men aren’t taught or expected to learn) = dads are pretty much all shit.
However, I do have to say I think this might be evolving better with generations. I know several young men who I have a feeling will grow up to be better dads than average for previous generations (inb4 millennials not having kids).
>grandfather: great dad, great grandfather, shit husband
>father: shit in every aspect
The tl;dr version edited for decency's sake is that I thought my father was a complete whackjob asshole my entire life until one night he got drunk(er than usual) and revealed he had been repeatedly molested by a friend of his mother's when he was a little boy and then stalked, kidnapped, and molested by a local pedophile when he was hitchhiking when he was 14. He never reported it because at that time older victims of pedophiles were seen as being homosexual themselves and were stigmatized.
Realizing that he still, more than forty years later, has PTSD from both events made a lot of his controlling behaviour make sense.
Realizing as well that my own social anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and Aspergers are genetic made his behaviour make a lot more sense.
So it turns out he's not actually a giant asshole for no reason, he's a hyperfixating socially-anxious hipster sperglord with OCD that had an emotionally distant, controlling, narcissistic mother, and he's adopted some really, really unfortunate negative coping mechanisms. And on top of that, he's a life-long closeted bisexual by his own (drunken) admission.
It's a shame misogynistic internet culture wasn't around when he was a kid, or he'd be lord of the dance.
I'm probably fortunate because I doubt everyone's father is so easily explained or psychologically dissected, legitimate actual assholes who abuse people do exist.
My father also has problems with regulating his blood sugar and it dropping, which can lead to rages and temper tantrums, and it'd be interesting to see if that's common across other abusive parents. It feels weird to think that all the nights of fear, and hiding, the long-time abuse, is all just caused by a him having a blood sugar drop. It feels like if we'd had a bowl of fruit sitting around for him to eat, I might have had a normal childhood? A simple solution like that feels like it delegitimizes what every abused kid has gone through, it makes me feel a bit sick to think it's so easily explained away, like that they weren't guilty, it was just their blood sugar.
My father was an abuse victim as well, and he was neglectful/abusive throughout my childhood. He would use his past as a way to manipulate and guilt trip me into forgiving his lesser abuse. I had to cut him off because after I moved out, he would send me messages threatening animal abuse if I didn't respond. I understand why he is the way he is, but I just wish he would aknowlage the pain he put me through.
I don't want to say that my dad is a bad man or anything like that. He never abused me or my brother physically, he works hard, he is a recovered alcoholic and now sponsors others and does great work with them. He's extremely intelligent and has incredible work ethic, two things I have always admired him for.
But he is a hardcore misogynist and that hurt me a lot growing up. Compared to everything else that he is, it's minor I guess but as his daughter it's hard not to be affected by it and look at him differently because of it. I try really hard to ignore it and focus on his other qualities because I want to love my dad and I want to respect him. But it's something I struggle with everyday. Whenever I see him I just think of all the comments he's made over the years and how insignificant and worthless he's made me feel for being a woman (and an unattractive one at that, so doubly worthless in his eyes) and it's hard to forget. It kills me when I think about it, so I try not to think about it.
I know it's insignificant compared to others and I'm just whining, but it still hurts. I have distanced myself from him a lot now that I'm older. I only engage in the most baseline conversations with him because anything else probably wouldn't end well. I never understood why he felt it was necessary letting his true feelings about women show to his own daughter, and I wonder if he even thinks about how it feels for me to hear those things. Probably not.
I made this thread in a fit of emotion when I was faced with my dad after years of his absence. He still manages to pay a bit of attention to my siblings who are kids (although he doesn't even pay child support) but he always skips and avoids me. He's in a rough place but that doesn't give him the right to neglect me.
He's caused so much damage to me, my mom, and my siblings over the years. Abusive to my mom and aggressive with my brother and I. When my mom was pregnant with my little sister he ran away with a younger lady and screwed over my mom financially. There's so many details and complications but that's the just of it.
My dad hasn't been in my life since I was a toddler. I honestly don't think about him much and usually forget that my experience of growing up with just one parent is not the norm. He's a piece of shit though according to everyone on my mother's side.
My father left his wife and 5 kids to marry my mother, who had been the best friend of his oldest daughter/my half-sister. Mom was 19 he was 39.
when I was 14 he left us (me, mom, 2 sisters) for an 18 year old he married right after.
He eventually left her, too, after she had 3 more of his kids.
He married again
(he was 66, she was 24) and she had 2 sons.
We never really lacked (he was rich and generous to us kids) and he called us often, sent us very sweet cards and notes. Never forgot a birthday, never said a harsh word, and always insisted that it wasn't our fault is kids, it was his fault.
He died 2 years back, when I was late 20's. We all went, to him in the hospital.
He left everything to his two sons.
Then it hit me, and I should have known (lots of my siblings had figured it out) - all the rest of us, at first, were daughters. He left his first three wives because they only gave him daughters.
My mom said he had issues - his dad was the only son of 9 and dad was the only son of 7 and there was a ton of pressure to 'pass on the family name', but….
If I had been a boy he wouldn't have left. If his first wife had had a son I would have never been born.
Wow… that was an amazing story, even if painful.
How do you feel about all that you just described?
Why did his wives went for such an old man? Because of the money?
From what country are you from?
My dad is very sweet and kind, but he has BPD. He is the "waif" type - he alaways claims that he is the victim, he is extremely sensitive (crying for hours and throwing things around because he burned his bread), and demands attention 24/7. When he was in therapy he was feeling a bit better, but he stopped going there out of sheer laziness.
He threatened suicide for the first time when I was 12, when I told him I would like to live in Norway. He took it as "I will leave you when I grow up, I don't care about you". He picked up a knife and started to pretend he was cutting himself. He did it again when I was 16, and when I was about 17-18, he was doing it every week.
I love my dad a lot, I visit him often and talk to him everyday, but I am still so scared of him. Sometimes he sends me long messages filled with rage, blaming me for things that happened even before my birth, accusing me that I hate him, etc. The next day he acts like nothing happened and just sends me cute encouraging voice messages.
My father was rich, and I know that helped. But he was also very handsome, very charming. And it took me a long time to realize that he never, ever spoke down to women; there was no condescension or anything.
I think what we all struggle with the most is - we can't hate him. He was just very simply and very directly himself and he very obviously loved all of his many, many children very much.
It is very confusing.
My earliest memory of my dad is him beating up my mom and me begging him to stop. Used to not think much about that memory but now that I reflect back I guess it was one of the contributing factors why I turned out to be a fucked up person
My father is a source of a lot of emotional trauma in my life.
He is old enough to be my grandfather. But a very complicated, manipulative, charming man. He once admitted that a psychiatrist told him he had a degree of sociopathy. He used to be very handsome too.
He had at least 3 marriages, in which all of them he jumped from one to the other cheating. He cheated on my mom for years and it really hurt her. He hurt the most important person in my life. And he hurt all my brothers and sisters and lot of people for various reasons. And me, even though I think I have been spared since I was his favorite.
I still love him because he is my dad and I have some good memories with him, he was really good to me during my childhood.
But we are better off not seeing each other that much.
I am really afraid that he falls ill or die, since he is old and showing signs of Alzheimer's.
Maybe you love him. And there's nothing wrong with that… even if what he did was awful. The fact that you loved him is a very weird thing in this cold world, and if you have it, maybe you should embrace that love you have for him.
I think all humans are not only flawed, but terrible, deep down. We all have an ugly, selfish, potentially cruel side. Im not saying we should let it roam, I'm saying we shouldn't expect "ideal" beings, free of blemish. We all share the potential for selfishness.
That said, it seems your dad had some issues of his own. But he loved you, his daughter, and maybe you loved him back?
How do you feel now he's gone? Do you talk about this?
Sorry if I'm being rude. I really like stories and yours is very interesting.
I spoke with my oldest half-sister about this yesterday
This thread was part of it
We all love him. He was wonderful. Inconstant, but wonderful.
And we adore our half brothers, they are amazing. And all the sisters are close.
She said something like ‘if he hadn’t been who he was we wouldn’t have so many siblings to live. Maybe he was him to make more of us.’
I just know that I am lucky to be me and I am me because of him and mom.
So I am content.
Conflicted, but content
Why do I always mistype that?
I was talking to a good friend today, who has also had a lot of issues with her dad. We wondered if fathers ever do any good at all for their daughters. Mine is an alcoholic, he's tormented me me whole life. Just endless abuse. He's never apologised to a single person in the 20something years I've had to deal with him. He would never say sorry to me for anything in a million years. Even when he's objectively wrong factually he won't accept it. I'll stand his ground and argue that the sky is green rather than blue if he has to.
He makes me sad. My grandfathers were both rotten too, what's to say that if I ever got married that my husband wouldn't turn out to act the same?
I’m so sorry to hear this.
My father is wonderful, and my grandfathers. And my brothers are amazing people.
They are out there, they just don’t stand out because they don’t suck
My dad was abusive towards my mum and sister but not myself much because he liked me for some reason, so my mum abused me. My mum died recently and since then my mum's side of the family, including my sister (who I get on with pretty well) have all turned against him and my dad's side of the family. Personally I think they're all hypocrites for only acting after my mum died instead of trying to do anything to help her or us when we were children who couldn't help ourselves. I just go with the flow of what my sister tells me to do in family matters, but I feel very detached from almost everyone in my family.
Also, since my mum died, my dad has locked me and my sister out of our childhood house even though my mum left everything in the will to us (we don't actually own the house though, it's a council house, British things). Thanks to my sister sorting stuff out with a solicitor, we're going there in a month to collect some childhood stuff. Honestly if it was just up to me, I would've left the stuff to rot there and never spoken to the old man again, but what can ya do.
Basically I have a messed up relationship with my whole family, including my dad, and I don't care anymore. Apathy is a hell of a drug.
Me to a T. Be strong, other me.
Thank you, other me.
On further reflection though, I think people are too quick to label people as either abuser or victim, when the roles are, from my experience, likely to swap throughout a toxic relationship i.e. my mum was abused by my dad so she abused me so I was cruel to her later on, etc. Not to mention my dad was also abused as a child, so basically everyone in my family has played the role of the victim and the perpetrator at some point. Things are never as black and white as people make them out to be.
But I also get infuriated when people say that who haven't experienced abusive relationships because I feel they should stfu since they don't know shit, so meh.
I'm just glad I left so I could learn what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like.
>>21862>my mum was abused by my dad so she abused me so I was cruel to her later on
I'm glad you're free of them, anon. I hope I can know love someday, too. Be free, other me!
One day we will all be free. I'm okay now, and I hope someday you'll be okay too.
Knowing I can sympathise with someone on this is worth more than freedom could ever be. Thank you, anon.
Decided to cut off my dad as a pre-teen. He kind of went along with it after a few ignored phone calls and we haven't met since.
He was never abusive or anything, he just sort of never cared about me and would only call me on the weekends (I didn't live with him bc divorce). I guess it feels a bit bad that he didn't make much of an effort to ask what was wrong and why I was cutting him off.
i want to fuck my father unironically, i call him daddy and try to sit on his lap whenever possible, i like watching him look away in embarrassment
But before then he was kind of shit. He acted kind to my mother before bringing us to the states and keeping us basically trapped in a house in the middle of nowhere (illegally) for 5 years. He used to abuse my mom, but never really hurt me physically/sexually. Just before I turned 5 he pulled a custodial abduction move, leaving my mom to rot. But she managed to get me back and we fled back to our home country, which he of course followed us to 3 years later and continued to try and get custody. He failed and everything turned out okay I guess.
Like many other anons itt, I feel weird about it since he was horribly abused in every imaginable way as a child and had bad BPD. I feel most angry for what he did to my mother, but also at who he was as an adult (a criminal, serial wife beater, a perv, an alcoholic, incapable of love, etc.). But at the end of the day he never hurt me directly so I feel bad having issues, you know? I do have one fuzzy memory of him maybe watching me apply cream to my genitals but idk if it's real. I've never told anyone and like to think it never happened. Even if it did it's not necessarily sexual even if he was disgusting regarding young teens. In fact, I'm sure he would have eventually hurt me if I'd grown up with him.
Most of it has reared its head as bad anxiety about men, I also SH-ed a while back and am very anxious and angry. But I'm also…weirdly attracted to men who look
like my father. Not in personality (I'm actually pretty healthy on this front), but men of his height and race. I may have mentioned it on the cafe before, but I think I want to give a surrogate of my father the love he deserved as a child and the love I deserved from him.
Sorry for big old post jeez, but I've been thinking of this last point recently and the thread was bumped…so…>>26006
Did he or someone else molest you..? Or is it just a complex?
What's confusing is why society doesn't allow people to love each other freely
yes. alcoholic since he was 14 years old. stopped coming home from work (went right to the bar) when I was like 5 years old. My mom would take my little sister and I sometimes to go look for him at the beginning. he would come home at like 4am, and go to work at 7am. He would sleep all weekend; we never saw him. my parents divorced when i was 7 and me, my mom, and my sister moved away.
he's really shy and depressed. he was good for child support but emotionally he is totally removed. he's not a father. he's not a parent.
He hit me when I was 16 for not going to school. I was going through some weird times. So he finally lost it and hit me once. I've been bitter about that for many years. Then finally he really broke the camel's back. I got personality disorder and he had been talking all sort of shit behind my back about me. He had the nerve to come and criticize me again without understanding situation. So I just lost it. Went fully insane and he just left and said I won't show up again. It really sucks, because even if he was sort of shitty person at least he was financially helpful. I am not sure if I am disowned now or something.
Yes, for the most part.
Dad left when I was 5-6 yrs old, and I haven't seen him since primary school when he came to visit once (however my brother did get in contact with him for awhile last year, but nothing really came of it other than some news I rather not share). The most my mom said about him was that he was abusive and used drugs when my brother and I were younger, so yeah…
From what I can remember is that he treated me nicely, and my parents getting into many arguments until my dad walked out the door of our apartment and left. It's kinda hurts that I never had a chance at life with a loving dad, or loving parents in general. I would probably love myself and everybody more if I did.
i've never had a dad because he died before i was born
it never affected me because i never knew what it was like to have one, so i never "lost" anything. it was normal for me
it really fucking annoys me when people give me sympathy, "oh i'm so sorry," and i'm always like ??? "sorry for what?"
i know they're just trying to be nice, and there's no really other appropriate response to give to me when you find that out, but it bothers me a lot
i remember in kindergarten, some girl who came to my house was like "where is ur dad at," and i was like, "o, he died, but I never knew him, so it doesn't bother me," and she gave me a weirded out face, and she ended up telling her mom, and her mom called mine and called me a sociopath?????? LMAO
i don't like talking about it as an adult because a lot of stupid incels use the "daddy issues" meme and make judgments about you before getting to know you. im not even kidding the amount of times i've heard "its a red flag if a girl doesnt have a dad!!!"
i lie to everyone i meet and straight up tell them i have a father, and explain later if we get close later on
>>26221>I lie to everyone I meet
lol, that girl's mom might have been on to something.
My dad was in my life til I was about 14. Growing up we had to move around the country a lot because he could never hold a job. He would constantly steal and lie from his employers which would get him fired. Even when he joined the army he got himself injured so he didn't have to serve.
The first time he and my mum split I was 7 years old. He told my younger brother and I that we were going to move somewhere for his new job and my mum would stay in our current house to pack and would soon meet us there. A month later when we were in our new residence he told us that they were actually splitting up and we were to live with him. He was never home and my brother and were expected to look after ourselves. When he was, he had a terrible temper and would belt my brother and I. My mum tried to get us back but eventually they agreed that I would go back to my mum and my brother would stay.
Parents got back together in about a year(probably because my dad got fired he needed to leech off my mum). It only lasted for about 8 months. He told my mum that he needed to take a loan (of about 10,000) out in her name to fix his teeth for his health so he could join the navy. She eventually discovered that while she was out working 12+ hours a day he was home on multiple dating sites, all bearing pictures of his new smile, messaging a lot of women how he loved them and couldn't wait to be with them. He even texted women from my phone (that I had at a young age due to the fact my mum worked long hours) just to cover his tracks. Makes me fucking sick. After my mum found this out he left pretty quickly. Think he found a woman to buddy up with. He took a lot of the money my mum had, as well as leaving her with the debts he accumulated. She became pretty depressed and we had to move in with our grandparents to avoid homelessness.
I've only physically seen my dad twice since then. I didn't fully understand what he did when I was younger so I guess thats why I still tolerated him. The last straw for me was when he was suppose to meet me at mcdonalds (lmao) to say goodbye before he moved to America, he didn't even show up. Also around this time I found out he had another daughter before me and had deserted her too. That was about 8 years ago. Haven't spoke to him since.
Now he is living a cozy life in North Carolina with his new wife. He has actually shoped photos of himself in Afghanistan serving in the military and claims he has a PhD in psychology. His wife has bought into the act. I'd tell her its all a lie but I've seen things she has said about me (never spoken to the woman) on Facebook so I doubt she would believe me. Am probably a shitty person because of this.
Sorry for the long post. I know it seems kind of pathetic going on so much but I just really needed to get it off my chest. I hope whatever any of you have gone through with your fathers (or parental figures), you have been able to come back stronger and found the empowerment of the love within yourself. If you are still struggling, than I really hope some day you can be at peace with everything that has happened to you <3
My dad molested me and I haven't seen him in ~20 years, but somehow I feel he wasn't as bad as some of the other dads in this thread…
Yes, to begin with, my father was always extremely controlling, a cheater and a liar.
He would never let me go outside to play with friends, or let me go anywhere.
All through elementary and middle school my parents would constantly aggressively fight in front of me until my dad decided to split and move away.
His other reason being because he was cheating on my mother and got another girl pregnant while he lied about where he was all the time, often leaving me alone to not see him for days on end.
Once my half brother was born and he moved in with his girlfriend, he forbid me to talk about it AT ALL with my mother and I had to deal with the burden of going through all this alone. I had to lie about this for nearly 2 years as my father would threaten me to hell and back if I ever told anyone.
My mother only found out about the situation through his girlfriend lashing out on my mother because of a fight my father provoked.
To this day as an adult he is trying to control every single aspect of my life even though I don't live with him. Just today he had an explosive argument with my mother about letting my long distance boyfriend come visit because he strongly believes I'm naive and does not trust me at all.
Little does he know I know how men work, and the type of men to NOT allow in my life because of him.
yeah, no kidding.>people's admittedly understandable reaction to the truth bothers me so I'll just lie every time the subject of parents comes up.
and then the lack of self-awareness about this obviously constituting "daddy issues" and a red flag in the dating context. total sociopath.
He was emotionally abusive when I was growing up, I always felt on edge whenever he was around. One minute he would put me down about something like not doing the dishes right and the next minute would say how proud he is of me. The worst was school, he would try to tutor me in math and if I got a problem wrong it would be endless screaming about how stupid I am (I was 8 struggling with long division); I would leave to go to the bathroom to silently cry. He threatened to kick my ass if I didn't get into college because my PSAT score wasn't good, I was 14 and beyond nervous about that text because of him. He never hit me but I use to be very scared that he would, he could've easily beat the shit out of me since I'm practically a stick. After I tried to kill myself a couple years ago he's become a lot nicer.
He had a hard life, grew up really poor in a third world country with a single mom and several siblings; he spent all of his time working and studying and came to America for a better life. It's actually pretty inspiring since he embodies the American Dream but I wish he more compassionate growing up, I was the only foreign person in my elementary school and got picked on. Felt like I had no support at home or school.
I disagree with you lying of course, but to piggyback I also worry about someone judging me as having ~daddy issues~ and the traits that supposedly entails (interest in older men, promiscuity, being controlling, cheating, etc.) since I don't have those specific ones. I've dealt with what problems did manifest (anger at men and poor self esteem resulting in social anxiety) and what's left is…odd, but not unhealthy or bad for a relationship. I just want to care for a guy a lot.
Anyone else itt worried about this? It's a bit depressing.
I don't know if my father was/is bad father or if he was/is simply incapable of ever being a good father. What I mean by that is, he never hit me or molested me or anything like that. But he was also never there when I needed him and still isn't. He came to one of my band concerts when I was in middle school but never another thing after that. For some reason I remember he wore his green polo, which was his "I'm trying to dress nice, so there" shirt. Every other shirt was dirty or full of holes. After that and before that concert, he never came to anything. He didn't even come to my graduation, and I worry he won't come to my wedding either so I toy with the idea of inviting and uncle and pretending he's my father.
My dad doesn't know my birthday. He hasn't gotten me a gift, a card, or even said happy birthday. He doesn't call on holidays, he doesn't check on me. If I call him because he's the only thing I can turn to, his words of wisdom are brief and forgettable and he will push me off on another family member he assumes can say something better. Occasionally he tells me to tell my mom he still loves her, and pines for a second chance with her.
He's childish and he's thick headed and he's selfish. My childhood was full of him screaming at my mother and her taking us (me and my sibling) and running away. He always found us. After she put a restraining order on him, he gave up on chasing her. I guess he gave up on me too, and it's like pulling teeth to get him to understand I want him in my life now that I'm an adult. I don't hate him at all, and just wish we could go catch a movie or eat pizza or something.
All that said, I don't think he was a bad father. He was a bad husband, and maybe a bad person, but it wasn't like he ever hurt me outside of the indirectmy shitty things he did, and I never much liked when he'd push my mother around. I don't know. I think he wasn't cut out for having kids. Or a wife. Just a guy who should've fucked random women and been single for eternity, hopping from town to town and not caring about a single person.
>>26871>it's like pulling teeth to get him to understand I want him in my life now that I'm an adult. I don't hate him at all, and just wish we could go catch a movie or eat pizza or something.
Tell him this outright. Do not hint at it or beat around the bush, if you struggle to do it face to face use a text or an email. You may wish to stress the fact you're coming at this from the angle of both of you as adults and not from his past experiences with your mother. If you're comfortable with it some form of environment or event where one or both of you are likely to get a little bit drunk will help but that'll depend on how your relationship is already.>>26857
For what it's worth it's pretty clear he was coming at it from the perspective of someone from a background where you either did well in school or lived a life of shitty poverty.
(Am 26857) Yeah I realize that now, I don't hold as much anger about it as I used to.