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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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bad dads Anonymous 3103

Does anyone else have issues with their father?

Anonymous 3109

Men are trash, including most dads. I know one person who has what I’d actually call a good dad. Toxic masculinity and general male uselessness in the arenas of child rearing (not because men inherently suck at it but because boys and men aren’t taught or expected to learn) = dads are pretty much all shit.

However, I do have to say I think this might be evolving better with generations. I know several young men who I have a feeling will grow up to be better dads than average for previous generations (inb4 millennials not having kids).

Anonymous 3119

>grandfather: great dad, great grandfather, shit husband
>father: shit in every aspect

That's it.

Anonymous 3175

The tl;dr version edited for decency's sake is that I thought my father was a complete whackjob asshole my entire life until one night he got drunk(er than usual) and revealed he had been repeatedly molested by a friend of his mother's when he was a little boy and then stalked, kidnapped, and molested by a local pedophile when he was hitchhiking when he was 14. He never reported it because at that time older victims of pedophiles were seen as being homosexual themselves and were stigmatized.

Realizing that he still, more than forty years later, has PTSD from both events made a lot of his controlling behaviour make sense.
Realizing as well that my own social anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and Aspergers are genetic made his behaviour make a lot more sense.

So it turns out he's not actually a giant asshole for no reason, he's a hyperfixating socially-anxious hipster sperglord with OCD that had an emotionally distant, controlling, narcissistic mother, and he's adopted some really, really unfortunate negative coping mechanisms. And on top of that, he's a life-long closeted bisexual by his own (drunken) admission.

It's a shame misogynistic internet culture wasn't around when he was a kid, or he'd be lord of the dance.

I'm probably fortunate because I doubt everyone's father is so easily explained or psychologically dissected, legitimate actual assholes who abuse people do exist.

My father also has problems with regulating his blood sugar and it dropping, which can lead to rages and temper tantrums, and it'd be interesting to see if that's common across other abusive parents. It feels weird to think that all the nights of fear, and hiding, the long-time abuse, is all just caused by a him having a blood sugar drop. It feels like if we'd had a bowl of fruit sitting around for him to eat, I might have had a normal childhood? A simple solution like that feels like it delegitimizes what every abused kid has gone through, it makes me feel a bit sick to think it's so easily explained away, like that they weren't guilty, it was just their blood sugar.

Anonymous 3183

My father was an abuse victim as well, and he was neglectful/abusive throughout my childhood. He would use his past as a way to manipulate and guilt trip me into forgiving his lesser abuse. I had to cut him off because after I moved out, he would send me messages threatening animal abuse if I didn't respond. I understand why he is the way he is, but I just wish he would aknowlage the pain he put me through.

Anonymous 3185

I don't want to say that my dad is a bad man or anything like that. He never abused me or my brother physically, he works hard, he is a recovered alcoholic and now sponsors others and does great work with them. He's extremely intelligent and has incredible work ethic, two things I have always admired him for.

But he is a hardcore misogynist and that hurt me a lot growing up. Compared to everything else that he is, it's minor I guess but as his daughter it's hard not to be affected by it and look at him differently because of it. I try really hard to ignore it and focus on his other qualities because I want to love my dad and I want to respect him. But it's something I struggle with everyday. Whenever I see him I just think of all the comments he's made over the years and how insignificant and worthless he's made me feel for being a woman (and an unattractive one at that, so doubly worthless in his eyes) and it's hard to forget. It kills me when I think about it, so I try not to think about it.

I know it's insignificant compared to others and I'm just whining, but it still hurts. I have distanced myself from him a lot now that I'm older. I only engage in the most baseline conversations with him because anything else probably wouldn't end well. I never understood why he felt it was necessary letting his true feelings about women show to his own daughter, and I wonder if he even thinks about how it feels for me to hear those things. Probably not.

Anonymous 3239

I made this thread in a fit of emotion when I was faced with my dad after years of his absence. He still manages to pay a bit of attention to my siblings who are kids (although he doesn't even pay child support) but he always skips and avoids me. He's in a rough place but that doesn't give him the right to neglect me.

He's caused so much damage to me, my mom, and my siblings over the years. Abusive to my mom and aggressive with my brother and I. When my mom was pregnant with my little sister he ran away with a younger lady and screwed over my mom financially. There's so many details and complications but that's the just of it.

Anonymous 11138

My dad hasn't been in my life since I was a toddler. I honestly don't think about him much and usually forget that my experience of growing up with just one parent is not the norm. He's a piece of shit though according to everyone on my mother's side.

Anonymous 21569

My father left his wife and 5 kids to marry my mother, who had been the best friend of his oldest daughter/my half-sister. Mom was 19 he was 39.
when I was 14 he left us (me, mom, 2 sisters) for an 18 year old he married right after.
He eventually left her, too, after she had 3 more of his kids.
He married again (he was 66, she was 24) and she had 2 sons.
We never really lacked (he was rich and generous to us kids) and he called us often, sent us very sweet cards and notes. Never forgot a birthday, never said a harsh word, and always insisted that it wasn't our fault is kids, it was his fault.
He died 2 years back, when I was late 20's. We all went, to him in the hospital.
He left everything to his two sons.
Then it hit me, and I should have known (lots of my siblings had figured it out) - all the rest of us, at first, were daughters. He left his first three wives because they only gave him daughters.
My mom said he had issues - his dad was the only son of 9 and dad was the only son of 7 and there was a ton of pressure to 'pass on the family name', but….
If I had been a boy he wouldn't have left. If his first wife had had a son I would have never been born.

Anonymous 21576

Wow… that was an amazing story, even if painful.
How do you feel about all that you just described?

Why did his wives went for such an old man? Because of the money?

From what country are you from?

Anonymous 21580

My dad is very sweet and kind, but he has BPD. He is the "waif" type - he alaways claims that he is the victim, he is extremely sensitive (crying for hours and throwing things around because he burned his bread), and demands attention 24/7. When he was in therapy he was feeling a bit better, but he stopped going there out of sheer laziness.
He threatened suicide for the first time when I was 12, when I told him I would like to live in Norway. He took it as "I will leave you when I grow up, I don't care about you". He picked up a knife and started to pretend he was cutting himself. He did it again when I was 16, and when I was about 17-18, he was doing it every week.
I love my dad a lot, I visit him often and talk to him everyday, but I am still so scared of him. Sometimes he sends me long messages filled with rage, blaming me for things that happened even before my birth, accusing me that I hate him, etc. The next day he acts like nothing happened and just sends me cute encouraging voice messages.

Anonymous 21603

My father was rich, and I know that helped. But he was also very handsome, very charming. And it took me a long time to realize that he never, ever spoke down to women; there was no condescension or anything.
I think what we all struggle with the most is - we can't hate him. He was just very simply and very directly himself and he very obviously loved all of his many, many children very much.
It is very confusing.

Anonymous 21610

My earliest memory of my dad is him beating up my mom and me begging him to stop. Used to not think much about that memory but now that I reflect back I guess it was one of the contributing factors why I turned out to be a fucked up person

Anonymous 21614

My father is a source of a lot of emotional trauma in my life.

He is old enough to be my grandfather. But a very complicated, manipulative, charming man. He once admitted that a psychiatrist told him he had a degree of sociopathy. He used to be very handsome too.

He had at least 3 marriages, in which all of them he jumped from one to the other cheating. He cheated on my mom for years and it really hurt her. He hurt the most important person in my life. And he hurt all my brothers and sisters and lot of people for various reasons. And me, even though I think I have been spared since I was his favorite.

I still love him because he is my dad and I have some good memories with him, he was really good to me during my childhood.
But we are better off not seeing each other that much.
I am really afraid that he falls ill or die, since he is old and showing signs of Alzheimer's.

Anonymous 21651


Maybe you love him. And there's nothing wrong with that… even if what he did was awful. The fact that you loved him is a very weird thing in this cold world, and if you have it, maybe you should embrace that love you have for him.
I think all humans are not only flawed, but terrible, deep down. We all have an ugly, selfish, potentially cruel side. Im not saying we should let it roam, I'm saying we shouldn't expect "ideal" beings, free of blemish. We all share the potential for selfishness.
That said, it seems your dad had some issues of his own. But he loved you, his daughter, and maybe you loved him back?

How do you feel now he's gone? Do you talk about this?

Sorry if I'm being rude. I really like stories and yours is very interesting.

Anonymous 21684

I spoke with my oldest half-sister about this yesterday
This thread was part of it
We all love him. He was wonderful. Inconstant, but wonderful.
And we adore our half brothers, they are amazing. And all the sisters are close.
She said something like ‘if he hadn’t been who he was we wouldn’t have so many siblings to live. Maybe he was him to make more of us.’
I just know that I am lucky to be me and I am me because of him and mom.
So I am content.
Conflicted, but content

Anonymous 21685

“To love”
Why do I always mistype that?

Anonymous 21692


I was talking to a good friend today, who has also had a lot of issues with her dad. We wondered if fathers ever do any good at all for their daughters. Mine is an alcoholic, he's tormented me me whole life. Just endless abuse. He's never apologised to a single person in the 20something years I've had to deal with him. He would never say sorry to me for anything in a million years. Even when he's objectively wrong factually he won't accept it. I'll stand his ground and argue that the sky is green rather than blue if he has to.

He makes me sad. My grandfathers were both rotten too, what's to say that if I ever got married that my husband wouldn't turn out to act the same?

Anonymous 21816

I’m so sorry to hear this.
My father is wonderful, and my grandfathers. And my brothers are amazing people.
They are out there, they just don’t stand out because they don’t suck

Anonymous 21825


My dad was abusive towards my mum and sister but not myself much because he liked me for some reason, so my mum abused me. My mum died recently and since then my mum's side of the family, including my sister (who I get on with pretty well) have all turned against him and my dad's side of the family. Personally I think they're all hypocrites for only acting after my mum died instead of trying to do anything to help her or us when we were children who couldn't help ourselves. I just go with the flow of what my sister tells me to do in family matters, but I feel very detached from almost everyone in my family.

Also, since my mum died, my dad has locked me and my sister out of our childhood house even though my mum left everything in the will to us (we don't actually own the house though, it's a council house, British things). Thanks to my sister sorting stuff out with a solicitor, we're going there in a month to collect some childhood stuff. Honestly if it was just up to me, I would've left the stuff to rot there and never spoken to the old man again, but what can ya do.

Basically I have a messed up relationship with my whole family, including my dad, and I don't care anymore. Apathy is a hell of a drug.

Anonymous 21826

Me to a T. Be strong, other me.

Anonymous 21862


Thank you, other me.

On further reflection though, I think people are too quick to label people as either abuser or victim, when the roles are, from my experience, likely to swap throughout a toxic relationship i.e. my mum was abused by my dad so she abused me so I was cruel to her later on, etc. Not to mention my dad was also abused as a child, so basically everyone in my family has played the role of the victim and the perpetrator at some point. Things are never as black and white as people make them out to be.

But I also get infuriated when people say that who haven't experienced abusive relationships because I feel they should stfu since they don't know shit, so meh.

I'm just glad I left so I could learn what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like.

Anonymous 21863

>my mum was abused by my dad so she abused me so I was cruel to her later on
hahaha, fuck
I'm glad you're free of them, anon. I hope I can know love someday, too. Be free, other me!

Anonymous 21876


One day we will all be free. I'm okay now, and I hope someday you'll be okay too.

Anonymous 21882

Knowing I can sympathise with someone on this is worth more than freedom could ever be. Thank you, anon.

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