What is your internal struggle like? What thoughts or temptations are running through your mind? What is it that gets you down?
Atm I'm really frustrated and stressed out cause I'm amazing at freakin' everything (uni, job, even hobbies, I work extra hard everyday and keep being the best) but NONE of it pays off: Uni is corrupt, jobs sre corrupt, everything is corrupt and I just can't stand it. So I've got 3 jobs and still can't have a normal amount of money. My country sucks.
But I'll never leave cause I'm a nationalist and I believe that moving is kinda like gibing up on your home, ancestors and yourself.
I hate myself so much. I hate how i look to the point that i didn't look at myself in the mirror for months, i advoid looking at glassses doors or mirrors on the street when i go outside, and i rarely go out, i don't date, i don't take selfie. I also hate how stupid i am, i've made so many embarrassing mistakes. Sometimes i just wanna scream out loud then end it all, but i don't want my parents to be sad, but it would be way better if i wasn't born. Sorry for my English btw.
I really miss my old friends, I feel embarrassed about how many mistakes I've made and I wish I could just cut through all the menial stuff and get a part time job and another shot at uni.
Also aliens aren't real and 9/11 happened.
Coming from someone who doesn't live in my home country anymore (US) there are many opportunities in other coutries that you can invest in for cheaper, like land or business AND you can always go back. I know things will get better for you anyways anon, keep moving. >>31231
Leave your house and don't stay alone with your thoughts. Surround yourself with positivity if you can. Get your favorite book, go to a starbucks and have time out, even if you're still alone. (I used to work there and lots of people would do this, sometimes they'd even ask for a cup of water and just chill there for hours so this is why I specifically recommend this, because I know it's a place where you can do this.) There's a difference between staying alone and confined to your house and going out and enjoying life on your own. Going out on your own can be very empowering, even if you're scared to do it. I have BDD so I know the struggle.. except I do the opposite. I can't stop looking at mirrors for reassurance. Also gonna go ahead and say I suspect you're going through something since thoughts of self loathing or bdd intensify when this happens. Things like rejection (not only romantically). You brought up being ashamed of your embarrasing mistakes and intelligence so this is an indicator for me.
Oh snap I also need to add that getting a gym membership (was cheap, $10 a month) and going to the gym on my own, playing some music and tuning out was practically medicinal for me!!! Really put my thoughts and self esteem in place and I felt soo much better after every session. Helped my depression and bdd immensely. I moved so I haven't had to chance to do this but hopefully will get my routine back soon.
Thanks for the advices, you're really nice! I'll definitely try out some of those activities. At the moment I really need to stop crying and get my shit together. Today is quite a bad day for me
By the way anon,is english your first language? I know spanish if you speak it.
English isn’t my first language, i’n from Asia actually
I never did the generic teenage party shtick. I focused hard on my studies and getting good grades. It was all in vain because I basically got nothing useful from my degree, and now I have this huge fear of missing out like I missed my one chance to be young, I have no life experience and no memories of young love or romance. I just feel like I got cheated out of a good deal, there are people worse off than me, but I can't help shake the feeling that I could have done so much more. If any anons have been in a similar situation and something I'd like to know what thoughts help you cope
You can only enjoy the time you have left anon, and that's the truth. I didn't enjoy my teenage years because I was introverted and didn't have any freinds until I started working.
I'm also sure you have great internal dialogue and intellect from all the years of being on your own.
Thank you for responding. I was pretty introverted/shy as well. I think I just used studying as an excuse not to do anything crazy.
I try reason with myself that "I'm smarter" now and maybe I am, but I don't feel particularly intelligent, and I don't think it's really a good thing even if I were.
Maybe I can find solace in understanding that the hedonistic lifestyle I believed to be "better" is anything but, and that it's just a lie propagated by the mainstream media. I'm just surrounded by "normies" every day who lived that life, and I find it hard to relate to them, I immediately begin to envy and even despise them when they bring it up, even though I know it's dumb. Getting my thoughts out has helped me.
I never partied AND I never got good grades. I missed on it while also gaining nothing from it. I have no life experience and no memories of young love or romance either. But it's ok, I was never much of a fan of that party culture anyway. All I ever wanted was to have a serious bf and I finally managed to accomplish that so I'm happy. I look at my sister who did live that party life and I don't envy her. Not to say I feel superior, just that I genuinely am ok with having lived the way I did.
Don't worry about parties, usually people in their teens and early twenties have some fear of missing out on fuck fests and orgies with no reason.
While in reality it's mostly people binging on crap food and drinking lots of alcohol to socialize and have some mediocre fun in private homes or dancing clubs.
Surely it's good for a year or two, in your twenties, but after that the whole concept of "partying" becomes boring.>inb4 you couldn't get all the hot boys
>>31271>I never partied AND I never got good grades. I missed on it while also gaining nothing from it. I have no life experience and no memories of young love or romance either.
Me too. Kind of comforting to know I'm not the only one who did neither
Eh, the party/club life is overly idealized. You don't make meaningful relationships/friendships and it messes a lot of young women up. It makes them attention-seeking and desperate for validation. Not to mention how many grow up to have drinking/drug problems lmao. There is no romance or love either, it's just trashy hook-ups and drunk sex. It then takes them a while to learn that it's not the right way to live. Be grateful you skipped that step and don't have to deal with the emotional baggage. There's a reason why everybody moves on from that stage
I hate people. I hate women. I hate men. I hate myself. I just feel nothing but hate sometimes. It literally pains me, it feels like I can't breathe. We're all just walking, shitting, pissing, eating, belching cunts. Of course, tomorrow morning I will wake up and decide I love everyone. I love women. I love men. I love myself. People are great.
I don't expect anyone to get it. I assume I'm properly ill and am currently trying to figure out the cheapest way to see a therapist. They're too expensive for me.
Oh anon.. I go through this cycle to. And then I feel shitty because I vent and talk shit about people and then feel guilty about it later.
Dw anon, iktf. I am absolutely in love with everyone but also wish for human extinction.
Humans really are polarizing, it can't be helped.
Wow I can't believe there are more people like me. I feel bad though because I never suddenly decide I love everyone. It's more like I constantly hate everything and everyone and SOMETIMES, on a rare occasion, I start to wonder if maybe there are redeeming qualities to some specific people but then I feel like that thinking positively weakens me and allows me to get hurt so I go right back to unrestrained anger.
I especially hate men, but women aren't much better. I don't get why I'm like this. It's not like I have any trauma or anything, I've had a pretty easy life all things considered. I just slowly grew more and more bitter over time for no reason until I'm how I am today.
Hating and judging everyone feels kinda like a defense mechanism for me. It makes me feel better and I have a bad habit of venting and letting it all out. When I'm feeling calm or confident I don't usually feel this way. Have gotten myself in trouble with this (at school with freinds or at work) and sometimes I feel really really bad about the shit talking because it actually does get around and I actually sometimes don't even hate the person and might even care for them. I hate myself for it so much, it comes from a place of fustration. The good thing though, is that I'm a NEET and haven't had to deal with the outside world much.
I guess if you're an outsider party culture might look interesting but it really is vapid and shallow.
"Dance" to some shit music while wearing something a little bit tight and get surrounded by thirsty losers trying to get into your pants. It might feel fun because you can see how low some of the losers will go but overall you come out a worse person.
I've been through this before. It really hurt my mindset. The psychological term is "splitting" and it can really fuck you up. I'd heavily recommend going to a therapist like I did, it's not a cure all but having someone to be a soundboard and explain how certain thought strategies can hurt yourself really helps. I'd recommend a therapist trained in BPD specifically.
Ah, I didn't mean BPD, meant to actually say CBT therapy, which 'helps' with BPD, which splitting can indicate.
It's the same for me. I always regret it. It makes me feel like nothing I say really matters. I can't believe the same thing about a person on a different day, so that must mean everything I say is invalid. It makes me distrust myself. >>31310
I'm honestly surprised it's not just me that's like this, and it makes me kind of happy in a weird way, but I also doubt every person out there is constantly switching between love and hate. I think this is just mental illness. >>31312
I can agree on the trauma front. I've lived a shitty life, but I don't feel particularly traumatized so I don't think that's it. People have told me I SHOULD feel that way, but I've always got the impression trauma should be very in your face and ruining your life. >>31332
Splitting. The word fits I guess. I used to try to separate my feelings, treating them like they were other people, but in truth it's all me. The emotions are just so fucking loud it feels like they have minds of their own. I plan to find a therapist as soon as I can afford one. Mental illness is something you simply deal with if you're poor. Either that or you let it eat you.
I've come to the point where I'm barely eating at all anymore or trying to stop myself from purging anything I do eat. I feel like beating myself up everytime I look at my self naked or half dressed in the mirror. I can't stand my reflection. It's almost come to the point where I can't even shower because I cringe at the thought of getting naked. Thoughts or critisms about my body that others have made, especially from others who were supposed to care keep running through my mind. I'm 23, I thought I was supposed to be over this already. I try to bring this up to the therapist/psychiatrist I am seeing and they keep writing it off and wanting to focus on totally different things which makes me somehow feel like I'm faking all this. I wish it was my time to leave this world already.
Please don't feel this way anon, this makes me so very sad. Imagining someone looking at themself and feeling sad. I don't care what other people think of you, i think that someone who could say this is a genuine and a good person. I think you are all right without ever even having to see you.
Hang in there, and always remember its the heart that counts, and i think you got a good one.
You should address it when you're ready, anon, I hope it all goes well.
My internal struggle are money and my height. Today is the last day of 2019 at where I live and my dad left me and my mom at home to go back to his hometown and probably get drunk. This morning I was crying while asking him not to leave cause his hometown trip is costly and we don't have money for that. But he left anyways.
i'm like 149cm tall, and i'm 19.