/feels/ - Family Feels
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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Family Feels Anonymous 3449

I thought it'd be nice to have a thread specifically related to family feels, whether they be good or bad.

Anonymous 3453

Even though my father can be an ass, I'm growing legitimately concerned for his health: he's 70 yrs old (please don't judge, I'm his second hatch of children) and he's in great shape, he still chops his own firewood and built a deck by hand this summer. His doctor keeps telling him to lose weight though. His weight is down to 160, which he hasn't weighed since his 20s. He's a fairly muscular person, he used to do martial arts and swimming competitively, and I don't get where the doctor is even coming from telling a 70 year old man to go on a diet.

Anonymous 4113


I'm sorry this is so TL;DR.
I just felt like it needed context to make any sense.

>be me

>broken home at age 4
>parents both druggies
>dad dies, later find out my mother gave him a dirty needle
>taken away from mother and split up from siblings
>spend the rest of my adolescence treated like shit from some family members because I remind them of my mother and they blame her for my dads death
>self harming and isolating at age 10 but nobody batted an eye
>at age 15 my only real father figure also dies
>blame myself because i figure he couldn't handle what a bad kid I was
>isolate even further, social skills of an astigmatismo at this point
>spend majority of adolescence on computer, where my only friends were
>emotional abuse from family increases, get called lazy, worthless, good for nothing etc.
>seriously just wanted to die, would spend days in bed not moving or eating
>at the same time, still have dreams of normal life, really want to be a good mother someday
>try really hard to get better, but always end up looping back into severe depression

>skip a whole bunch of bullshit, fast forward years later

>begin a relationship with my long-time internet friend
>they live far away, but they let me move in with them as soon as I'm able to
>feel like they've saved my life because I was on the verge of suicide had it not been for them
>their entire family takes me in, they think i'm strange but are still kind to me
>a loving mother and father
>two sisters and a family pet
>never realized how badly I craved a normal family life until now
>feel alienated from others, have no real sense of belonging
>watch as sisters cuddle up with the mom during family movie nights
>I love you, momma
>I love you too baby
>am really happy to be with everyone, but get depressed when I see things like this
>the mother helps me put on an outfit one day
>can smell her perfume and feel her warmth
>almost cry, whatthefuckisthis.jpg x2

So yeah. That's where I am right now. Obviously this family isn't "perfect" but they're so much better and so different than anything I've experienced, and I don't know how to process it sometimes. And although they aren't cruel like my family was, I think they can be confused by my behavior/mood sometimes, and that makes me feel really bad. It's all kind of alienating in a different way now.

Anonymous 4167

I love my mum but she's a control freak and doesn't let me live my life. I'm in my mid twenties and still slightly depend on her financially due to health reasons, so it's not like I can just say fuck it all and walk away. I'm also a softie and non confrontational for the most part, which just makes things worse…

Anonymous 4181


I'm so tired of my family gossiping about me behind my back. My aunt likes to talk to everyone else about how much of a shit person I am, and when I try to defend myself and give my own side of the story then I'm painted as playing the victim. When I talk about the things they say or do to my real life friends, when they hear about it they get pissed because they can't share their side of the story to them and call me a victim.
It's a gross double standard and I always lose no matter what…
They always bring up my flaws constantly and constantly, when I do something wrong they bring it up more times than I can count in other instances. They beat it into each other how shit I am and how much they "can't help me" and how "they're trying but I'm too stubborn"
I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal and it's their fault.

Anonymous 4182

>big WhatsApp group with family
>loud gossipy obnoxious yet loving aunt chats a lot
(Bet you have one of these too)
>a relatively distant family member goes through surgery
>guy lost his foot
>aunt sends pic of his severed foot and leg apparently taken by the doctor (???) to show he's doing well (???)
>Vegan cousin starts sperging about it
>All other family members start infighting
>guy dies
>Feels bad the only contact I've ever had with him was seeing his rotting severed foot and open wounds

I feel bad… That was quite the day.

Anonymous 4183

Oh wow. Though maybe she was just in shock when she sent the picture and didn't realize how inappropriately people would receive it. Shock does weird things to people. Who knows, she could even have been in denial about the prognosis which evidently was bleak.

It's a shame she didn't think to photograph something kinder though. When my grandpa died in the hospital I took a sepia closeup of my hand holding his. He was cremated so it's nice to be able to have that photograph to remember his physical presence.
However when I posted my tasteful picture on my personal fb, my uncle's alcoholic (ex)girlfriend saw it from her daughter's account. They were going through the breakup and so she was extra drunk and nasty towards our family and said whatever to hurt us. She tried to act like I had no right to take a picture of his hand, as if I took a picture of the entire body on the deathbed. He was my last living grandparent and the drunk bitch just couldn't let me grieve. Regardless, I'm happy I had the picture.

Anonymous 4206

My mom is in her late 60's and not only won't stop smoking, but thinks it's okay to lie to me about it and makes such stupid, pathetic excuses. She has a constant stream of nicotine from patches and gum, but still smokes half a pack in the mornings and has been sitting like this for a year. She's constantly too stressed and too busy to quit, and has been for the 5 years since my aunt died of smoking induced lung cancer. Oh, but of course, my aunt didn't really die because of smoking, she died of stress, yes, stress, that must be it. Even though there's no correlation between stress and cancer development, it couldn't possibly be because of smoking. And even if my aunt did die of smoking my mom smokes "light" cigarettes and half a pack isn't that bad and she had an aunt who smoked into her 70s and is still alive so it's fine. It's okay to sneak cigarettes and hide them from me cause she knows I'll destroy them.

At this point I wish she would have a heart attack or stroke and be hospitalized for a time so she could detox and MAYBE finally have a fucking wake up and I could find and destroy her stash because at least those are survivable, lung cancer is not.

Anonymous 4209

Anonymous 4210

Anonymous 4219


I feel really voyeuristic for saying it, but I love to read about shitty parents.
Not that I'm happy that people have gotta grow up like that, but just that the old days of self-congratulatory parenting that couldn't be criticized no matter what is going out the door. People are realizing it takes so much more than birthing and controlling kids to be considered a good parent.

My mom is a bit of a narc (I posted a story about her like 2 years ago on a throwaway and it got a lot of attention), and it's so satisfying to know an increasing number of people see through bullshit parents. We no longer have to be grateful for awful behavior and that's really empowering.

Anonymous 4236

Is there a chance for people like us? Are we going to be fucked forever? Should we all be sterilized to prevent us from repeating the cycle and propagating these defective genes?

Anonymous 4329

My cousin came over to stay with us during school break. My mom usually acts like a temperamental little baby so that's expected, but this time she said some really mean shit to me and my cousin that I think no one else but my sister and I have had experience dealing with. My cousin got really upset, started crying and stormed out of the house with her stuff to go stay at my uncle's house. I went out to go look for her. I met her on the sidewalk and asked her to come back and just ignore my mom, but she looked at me and said "I don't ever want to see her again. How could you live with her?"

To go off on a bit of a tangent here, my mom was very verbally abusive to me for as long as I can remember. I had some behavioral (and mental health) issues when I was a child/teen, a lot of it stemming from family issues at the time. My mom used to make me out to be this horribly rotten child who just lashed out because I was a brat, but perhaps unsurprisingly she'd always get very coy when explaining her part in the fight. So of course all culpability would fall on me. I'd have to be the only one that needed to change my attitude, and be physically disciplined by my uncles to top it off, because it's a shitty thing to do to call your mom a bitch.

So at this point, I'm feeling a little bit vindicated about that, because at least someone else can understand what I've had to put up with all these years. Though the strange thing about it is that what my mom said earlier tonight doesn't even scratch the surface of how nasty and spiteful she can get.

Anonymous 4623

i think theres something seriously wrong with my mom. some kind of mood disorder or something i'm not sure. her whole mood changes at the littlest things:

> christmas eve 8pm or sometime pretty late

> mom has been laying on her bed watching tv up until this point
> mom comes into my room with a bag full of christmas presents she hasnt wrapped yet
> she asks me to wrap them (im pretty good at crafty stuff so im a pretty decent present wrapper)
> i say something like "uhh okay i mean what are you doing right now?"
> her mood changes 180 and says "okay nevermind ill wrap them" in a super passive aggressive way
> she wraps them and comes back a little bit later exploding with anger
> "thanks for your help!"
> "there were only a couple!"
> "you asked me what i was doing but look at what you're doing!" (i was laying in bed on my phone)
> "i have a bad back!" (it seems like she only uses this excuse to her advantage because she stands for like 5 hours straight weighing and packaging hash/trimming the plants for a family friend occasionally among other things and is totally fine but apparently wrapping 3 presents which she had all month to do is what she really cant handle. plus she had been resting literally all day)
> she storms out and starts bawling her eyes out

at the end of the day though they were her (3) presents that i was in no way obligated to wrap. she had all month to wrap them and she waited until the last minute which is something she criticizes me for constantly! "you had all day to do this anon! why are you doing it now?"

i also have basically stopped living at home due to her. i only really go back to stay for one night a week to feed my fish/clean my cats litter box. but that one night she ALWAYS finds something to get angry at.

i cant talk to her either because she literally ignores anything i ever say. it gets really hard during fights because even if i do make a fair point that she cant ignore she walks out of the room all huffy puffy with her hands in the air. ill make suggestions on how we can come to a compromise:

> she complains about my cat meowing all night

> i suggest closing her door
> either she ignores my suggestion and says something unrelated or she says that she does close her door (which i know she doesnt)

but she dismisses them and makes no effort to change anything. all she wants is to be able to complain about something i guess. however she leaves no room for me to complain about anything to her because it becomes a competition:

> me: wow this thing is really hard!

> mom: yeah well ive been working on my feet all day!/theres starving people in africa anon!

she doesnt do any of this stuff with my younger brother either though. my boyfriend thinks its because im a NEET which is something she is unable to respect but im pretty sure she would still act this way even if i did have a job.

i spend most of my time at my boyfriends to get away from my mom but i still have to rely on her since i cant bring my fish or my cat to boyfriends place (he lives with his mom still too and his mom is super OCD) so they have to stay there until i can find work. its so sad too because even though i pay her rent (income assistance) she dangles my pets over my head in a "maybe ill just get rid of them" way.

the only solution is to get a job and move out but thats way easier said than done when you have no customer experience (or experience with working in general) whatsoever and anxiety.

TL;DR: my moms a little crazy and dealing with it is really hard.

sorry if this got too long or it doesnt make sense

Anonymous 4636

Hi, we have the same mom! You need to move out. It will probably never get better for her, but you can be happier. Doesn't sound like she's so horrible that you have to go no contact, but living with someone like that is absolutely draining after awhile. Her issues are her issues, and you can't make her change, unfortunately.

Anonymous 4644

im sorry that you have the same sort of mom problems. i hope youve been able to manage through them and find happiness!
but what you said about her not being able to change is something ive just recently realized. instead of wasting time trying to talk sense into her in hopes of her changing ill just have to deal with the cards handed to me.
thanks for your advice! its nice to hear things straight up like that

Anonymous 4688

A year ago my drunk father told me I was raped because of karma.

I've never done anything to hurt anyone on purpose. I have terrible anxiety because of my abusive childhood (as does my little sister). I've been a social shut-in my whole life. I have always done my best to be polite and not anger people and be a good person.

The last two days I've been suddenly crying about his words again and I don't know why.

He also told my sister last night to sell her condo because at 52 he "doesn't want to work anymore". My sister has two kids and debt up to her ears. He helped her get that condo for my nephews to have a stable home.

My mom divorced my dad and fucked off with some other dude who is literally just as bad as my father. So she isn't allowed to talk to me or my sister.

Why. Why is this man my father.
Why can't I have a loving family.
Why are my sister and I alone.

Anonymous 4690

Anon, what shit things he said. Honestly that's horrible. I'm sorry.

I know it doesn't make things better but most people don't really have loving families. Loving families are the lucky ones. I hope you can actually either forgive or at least let go of what your dad said. He sounds terrible. My dad is the same, but i don't want to tell you the story because it's just like another 300 crappy dad stories you've heard before. Sending good vibes your way.

Anonymous 4915

Fuck, long story.
I'll try to shorten it to my best abilities.

>have sister (twin)

>sister is basically a NEET
>sister volunteers at AX
>sister meets volunteer manager who is 4 years old than her
>they get together in secret
>boyfriend continually treats her like shit and lies a lot
>i tell her he's toxic and to leave
>she doesn't, probably because this is her first friend ever and aside from him she never leaves the house
>she loses her virginity to this guy after only three weeks of talking to him
>she apparently likes him cumming in her
>i tell her how unsafe this is
>she says she doesn't care b/c he has "low sperm count"
>he continues to be extremely possessive and controlling of her
>they break up every other week
>surprise, surprise, she's pregnant
>i tell her that if she really wants to continue doing school that she should abort it
>apparently she's happy she's pregnant b/c if they break up for good, he'll "always be part of her" because of the child
>i explain that's a horrible reason to keep a child (aside from the other obvious reasons)
>i get somewhat irritated to her face because of how selfish this is, with my parents paying for my and my brother's college, along with my dad (the only one who works) is trying to prepare for retirement
>she doesn't care
>a week later
>she agrees she will abort it
>just now she calls me and tells me she broke up with him
>i'm happy b/c this is the first time she's been serious about it
>but wait
>now she definitely wants to keep the child
>i tell her to block her ex
>she refuses

we shall see how long this goes on and what really happens. it's so stressful to me, I want to tell someone in my family about it (I have my twin, my older sister, and two older brothers). The problem is, all of them are pro-life. It's exhausting having to hear her mental gymnastics. Mind you, all of this has happened in the course of 6 months. Also, I'd like to add he was nice to her for like 3 weeks when he met her before being a bitch. If you are a NEET and aren't socialized at all, please be wary of men. Really, please do; if they are too good to be true, they are. My sister thought she knew what she was doing and often got pissed at me for telling her the truth, but now she's paying for it.

Anonymous 4921

Well, shitty situation since obviously the guy was a piece of trash. Still it's a good idea not go get to involved because in the future she may think you "forced" her to get an abortion and you don't want to be that person. Let her decide on her own.

Anonymous 4922

Forgive me for all my typos. It's late.

Anonymous 5039

I really don't get my parents.
They keep whining about being poor and having money trouble but they spend money on so many things they could avoid or postpone.

So much extra food because apparently ww3 is so close we have to have 8 cans of everything and 10 packs of whatever else and 5 types of chocolate chip cookies even if it's all just there to expire.
They leave the TV on even when no one is home because apparently turning it off is bad.
They're in so much debt but refuse to change ANYTHING so they never get out of it.

On top of it all, my dad gambles too much and not even in a smart way because he thinks he 'deserves' the money so he's gonna win big.
My mom has no backbone AT ALL and just repeats his excuses to me when i try to talk to her about it, even when she disagrees with him most of the time.

Sometimes it feels like they're scripted or something because no matter what you tell them it's always all the same. So stupid.

Anonymous 5043

>They leave the TV on even when no one is home because apparently turning it off is bad.
I let a good chuckle out. I'm sorry anon, that's terrible. They have no right to complain about money

Anonymous 5045

I didn't want to make a huge post, there's much more but yeah, they are ridiculous sometimes to the point where it's funny.
They got mad at me once for turning off the TV at the living room while they were out for hours. I really don't get it.

Anonymous 5047

>They got mad at me once for turning off the TV at the living room while they were out for hours.
Are your parents very old? Elders are like that sometimes

Anonymous 5050

They're not … THAT .. old yet.
Even with elderly people isn't that a bit odd and wasteful?
I mean… you're not even home to watch it..

Anonymous 5055


>Have a shitty brother
>Don't have time to list al his bullshit but took advantage of my drunk friends, called my girlfriend a bitch more than once, threw parties in my house without permission, stole my booze, was generally a dickhead
>Draw the line a couple of years back and say I'm done with him
>He whines to parents about how "deeply I hurt him"
>He's the eldest son and I'm the middle child so parents immediimmediately buy his shit without question
>Claim I'm a liar when I mention anything he's done
>When a few weeks pass and they realise I'm sticking to my guns they start telling me how I'm tearing apart the family
>Text me the stupidest shit like "your baby sister was holding a photo of u 2 and crying why r u hurting the family??"
>Get other relatives in on this, guilt me every time I visit or they call
>Fast forward to now and they've done it all this time
>Brother has been keeping up the woe is me shit because he has this weird possessive thing where he wants me around to abuse
>Grandmother is ill and they keep telling me how selfish it is to not get on with my shithead brother while she's sick
>Grandmother is actually one of few relatives on my side

Getting real tired of this shit. If I decide my brother was a toxic influence in my life (he totally fucking was) then that's my call. My family is pushing me to the point that I dread contact from them, but they just keep calling me a liar when I try and talk to them.

Anonymous 5072

I don't like talking like at all and I realised why. My mother always gave my father shit for gossiping about her when I was growing up. So I just didn't bother talking. It's gotten worse lately they argue about it a lot. I hate them so much I wish one of them would die already.

Anonymous 5073

Anon, you're doing the right thing. You're really strong to be able to make that decision and keep it even while being exposed to your family's manipulation. Keep your distance and one day he'll find a new victim and they might see him for who he is. But if not, take peace in knowing that you're still doing 100% the right thing by cutting toxic people out of your life, it's good for your health. If your parents or sister want a relationship with you, accept it but the moment they bring him up again, make it really clear that you've already made your points about what he's done and you're not going to discuss it anymore.

Another thing, where is your grandmother right now? If she has her own house or is currently in the hospital, make an effort to see her often. It seems like you both get along well and it would be a shame if this prevented you from seeing her.

Men get away with far too much in our society, you shouldn't have to put up with the product of your parents mollycoddling a boy all his life just because you're "family".

Anonymous 5074

My brothers were always little shits to me when I was growing up. I was often at the receiving end of all of this, they verbally abused me and made me break down crying often. It was sociopathic. when I asked my parents to help me, they told me that I'm the problem somehow because I'm the oldest. They had serious aggression problems and I urged my mother to bring them to counseling so they could learn what to do when they're angry (i.e. not call people names, smash the house up and get into physical fights over the most benign things like losing a video game). My mother refused to admit there was anything wrong with my ~precious little brothers~ and my father used to excuse their behaviour all the time with things like "boys will be boys!" or "they're just full of testosterone right now, they'll calm down when they're older!"

Skip forward to now and they've just started going out drinking with friends and they have no idea how to control their aggression. They're getting into bar fights, getting kicked out of clubs, destroying property, having arguments with bouncers, falling out with friends, being threatened in dark alleys with weapons and they come home every night they go out shouting at each other at like 4am. It's gone beyond the point where they could be helped because now both refuse to get counseling. I wish I had the satisfaction of being able to say "I told you so!" but I don't because my father is still convinced all of this is a normal part of a boy's development and my mother is making it really obvious how shit her parenting skills are lately by not knowing how to react to all of this. Fucking sick, like one of these two could end up dead or even worse, could end up hurting someone else.

Oh well.

Anonymous 5096

Of course, I just wanted to be upfront about how her having a child will impact my entire family, especially since she doesn't work and only goes to school (that is paid for by my parents) to fail all her classes. I didn't put it that meanly to her, ofc.

It's a moot point now because since she told my parents, she's definitely giving birth to it. I have no idea if she's going to keep it or not. I don't really care that much because hopefully by the time it's born, I won't be living with my family anymore (they are fucked up for many more reasons), so I won't have to deal with how the child economically affects my family if my sister decides to "keep it" (quotations because I don't think it's really hers as long as she lives with my parents, they will do whatever they can to brainwash/raise it like they did with my siblings).

Anonymous 5103

It sounds like she's trying to be rebellious against you and your parents. Especially trying to prove to you that you were wrong about her relationship and that she can make it work (and now she's trying to prove to you that you were wrong about getting an abortion too, that she can raise a child).

Regardless of what happens, she's going to seriously regret this stage of her life if this is her way of rebelling. It would seriously suck of she had a reminder of that stage of her life in the form of a child.

Anonymous 5116


Everyone else in my family other than me is vehemently pro-life, once she tells them, there is basically no choice for her to abort it anymore. I agree rebellious against me, but not so much my parents in this case - I think she realized telling them was a necessity if she wanted to keep the child. She hasn't mentioned to them her bf's abusive behavior, which I understand: one doesn't want to admit they made two bad choices at once. Still, she doesn't want him being a father in the life of the child regardless, so that will be interesting to see play out whether she actually is able to dump him for the sake of said kid.

Her way of rebelling has never been constructive, in high school, she refused to go to the point where my parents "home schooled" her and graduated her even though she shouldn't have. My parents enable a lot of her rebellious behavior in general. Not surprisingly, they aren't that mad about her pregnancy because of "miracle of life" and "good will come out of this" kind of talk, which I don't think is necessarily wrong, but I guess I feel like at some point, they need to not make it seem like her blatant disregard is acceptable.

And yeah, I've always sensed resentment towards me from her at how I've "experienced more", especially since she frequently reminds me how I haven't experienced pregnancy and how I can't fathom the feelings/physical changes it is brings along with it (personally this doesn't bother me, but I find the reason why she tells me this interesting). I feel guilt even though I don't think I necessarily should feel that way because of how I freely gave my opinions on her boyfriend and such. I felt at the time like we were close enough that it was okay for me to do so, but I should have been more sensitive to her feelings and to how she hates feeling like everyone thinks she's naive (even though she is…), especially since her boyfriend also apparently throws that in her face a lot. I didn't call her that, but I would try to explain how he could be lying to her, or how he was acting in a certain pattern that fit x, etc. and I feel like I should I have just listened to her and said little, even though my gut and experience made me nervous about the whole situation. She basically got impregnated by the first guy who fucked her and I feel like, even though I know it's her choice, that I failed her as a sister. It's like, none of my "advice" mattered in the end and if I shut up and wasn't so skeptical, things might have gone better (what's hard is almost everything I've been skeptical about came true). I really need a diary to shut myself up, haha….

Anonymous 5348

Everyone in this stupid house tackles problems by shouting blaming and threatening each other and it's getting dumb.
My sisters give each other crap over nothing and instead of just talking it out like adults or finding some way they both can be happy with, they just scream and threaten to hit each other.
I guess my parents didn't set up any good example so i can't really blame them, but come on. This isn't a proper way to do anything.

Anonymous 5370


I'm growing quite scared of my brothers future and how it will affect both of us and how it's affecting my mother.
He's a perpetual NEET dropout, he refuses to graduate and take the tests from a course he took to work on a quite good field, he doesn't want to study anything, he spends his whole day (more like night, since he sleeps through the day) playing videogames, he doesn't wanna work and hasn't even looked for work in all his years and he shuts off any discussion about it as soon as it starts.
He doesn't know how to cook, he doesn't know how to clean, he doesn't know how to do most of the basic things that are needed on a house, so in top of being a NEET he also does literally nothing to help with the house.
My mother is getting old and will keep getting old, but he seems to not be able to realize that and keeps living on la la land.
Whenever i am alone with my mother he talks to me about how much he hates what he has become but how she feels se cannot do anything because as soon as any discussion starts he shuts it off and stops talking to us altogether for days on end just so we won't "annoy him with bullshit" and how he should just kill himself and shit just to guiltrip my mother to stop talking about it and leave him alone.
He doesn't have any aspirations, he doesn't have any dreams, he seems to not like anything other than videogames and sports.
I don't know if he might be depressed or what but it's quite concerning how much he just doesn't care about anything.

We are not a rich family, at all, we have savings and stuff, but we are 2 people those savings need to go to, and i think he believes because i am not a NEET that maybe he can live out off those savings and off my mother while i work my ass off for money which will not be the case.

I don't know how to approach the issue, and neither does my mother, but everytime we talk she sounds so helpless and it's honestly heartbreaking to see.

Anonymous 5371

This could be me. All of it. It's affecting me too.

Anonymous 5384

This weekend is going to be bad.
My sister started her professional career halfway across the country about a year and a half ago. This guy in her program who she was seeing date-raped her about three or four months after she moved out there. It turns out that he'd also lied to her about breaking up with his previous girlfriend in order to be with her, and he was still in an LDR with her. It triggered a nervous breakdown (she has severe PTSD from a superficially similar incident about ten years ago) and she had to go start seeing a therapist, then a psychiatrist, in order to function at work. Her job is high-stress anyways, she's in ICU, but seeing this guy every day at work was like pouring salt in a wound.
This past weekend, at a wellness retreat for the hospital staff, she got into a shouting match with the same guy. It seems unclear as to how it started, but apparently she was drinking and went off on the dude when she overheard him and his friends talking about how (she believes) they were going to frame her as looking like a crazy person before she could come forward with her allegations against this guy.
I don't know if that's actually what they were talking about. When she described the situation, it sounded like her interpretation of events was quite possibly due to paranoia.
But I think she's getting kicked out of her program as a direct result of that confrontation. It was unclear from our phone conversation.
She flew home on Tuesday and she wants me to drive up there tomorrow morning so we can have a talk with the family about the fact that we've both been concealing our experiences with traumatic sexual assault for about ten years or so from our parents, and how the way that we were raised led to some pretty severe interpersonal communication problems for all of us.
I don't think my parents are bad people. They've made mistakes, but who hasn't? And yet I don't think my sister is crazy for believing that her own communication problems and self-isolating tendencies come from the way we were raised. I have some of the same issues. We don't talk about our problems, we pretend that they don't exist. When we need help, we feel intense guilt and shame for asking for it. We both are deeply mistrustful of the world at large. But I feel deeply sorry for my parents because at least they tried to protect us, and so many children don't have that, and now it most likely feels like it's being thrown back in their faces. For all the side-effects of their choices, they had good intentions, and I love them for that despite the consequences. And I also know that my sister wants me there because she wants somebody to be on her side, who understands why she's upset with them now and can support her when my parents tell her that this is all in her head. They've already apologized to her, but it's not enough because they don't even understand fully what they've done wrong. And they don't fully believe her when she tries to explain it.
Maybe some of it is in her head, but I don't think that's what's important if the ultimate goal of this conversation is reconciliation. I'm scared that things are just going to get worse by the end of the weekend, though, when she leaves again. TBH I think the best thing we could do is to all see a family counselor, but there's no way that we could get an appointment for one on such short notice. So I'm filling in. And I am not hecking qualified for this even if sometimes it feels like I'm the most emotionally mature person in the room.

Anonymous 5573

as bad as i thought it would be, i did not expect this.
my sister had a nervous breakdown last weekend and was involuntarily committed to a mental ward. this about three weeks before i was scheduled to move in with her. it looks like she might be losing her job as a result, too.
anybody got advice for dealing with literally insane (paranoid/delusional) family members?

Anonymous 5577

My mum says it would be fine for me to come live with her, but then she's always complaining about having no money and I'm a jobless loser. But I can hardly stand living with my dad, he's an utter mess.

Anonymous 5578

what's stopping you from finding a job? even something minimum wage would be an asset if you don't have to pay rent where you're living.

Anonymous 5579

Find a job, even minimum wage and move with your mother.
You don't really have much options, if you don't find a job and stay with your father, you'll have a hard time staying home but won't have money to go out.
Even if you start with a minimum wage job, you can still continue to search so you can find something better.

Anonymous 7425

My younger brother just told my parents that he doesn't want to go to medical school as he is about to finish his bachelor's.
My father freaked the fuck out and kept insisting that it was worth a try because he hadn't even tried yet. While also saying that he saw my brother not doing much to work on developing himself for the application process (volunteering, extracurriculars, experience, etc).

I feel really awful because as I was trying to get my life together, I think I wasn't a very good role model for my brother. Especially since a lot of my difficulties were related to dealing with parental expectations and their inability to raise us as well-rounded people ("School is #1."). At the same time, little bro is going to have to learn the hard way what happens when you set a path for yourself and do not follow through with the hard work needed to achieve those goals. But I also really want to tell him that he is young and figuring it out is part of life. Despite what our parents lecture about making $$$ to have a family.

Anonymous 8069

My parents aren't abusive, but sometimes I can recognize now that things they did weren't the best way to parent. Like whenever I would get really upset over something that wasn't a big deal, instead of just being like "that is frustrating, I understand, do you want help solving it? do you need a hug?" the would just say "it's not the end of the world, is it?" leading me to not understand when my emotions are like… valid and feeling like I am a piece of self-serving shit every time i cry (which contributed to my depression I think).
My mom is THE most passive aggressive person on the planet. Once as a teenager I criticized her making me late for school all the time (idk whether this was true, but it was true some of the time- she would be putting on makeup or making coffee and we would be sitting in the car waiting to go) and she straight up stopped talking to me and my dad had to find time to take me to school the next day, told me "mom is very hurt by what you said and she didn't want you to be late today" so of course I then felt like a shitty horrible child, broke down crying and went to my mom later that day begging her to forgive me and she was so flippant about it. "I'm not that upset" THEN WHY DID YOU REFUSE TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD??? IF what i said was inappropriate then TELL ME!!! another time in uni I was at home for a visit and apparently made some comment- it was so nothing to me I don't even remember exactly- about not wanting to waste time bc my mom was taking forEVer to get ready and I was tired of waiting (she had work in the city and was driving me up too). Cue a 6 hour car ride with no music and NO TALKING with major cold shoulder and I texted my dad halfway like "is mom mad about something? like she's not talking at all, what is going on?" and he didn't know, so when I asked her she said "oh, just don't want to waste your time" and then continued not to talk to me. for SIX. FUCKING. HOURS. we were supposed to get dinner that night but when she dropped me off she put on a happy face for my roommate's benefit (she cares a lot what other people think) and then said she couldn't do dinner tomorrow, she'd be too tired and would just stay at the hotel. of course the next day it had blown over and we did get dinner but I'm always amazed how we are NEVER EVER allowed to criticize her, she interprets even joking teasing as being super mean criticism and my dad ALWAYS takes her side because he has no fucking spine.

i also just moved home for grad school but it seems like now my parents are using the no-rent thing as a means to get me to watch the house/dogs at a moment's notice. last weekend i had told them i was going to see my long-distance bf, who i hadn't seen in a month, on sunday for one night. cue sunday as I'm leaving my mo says they will be out of town the next day (to deal with sth legit to be fair) and i would have to come home early to make sure the dogs were ok. aka cutting my visit short literally AS I WAS ON MY WAY OUT THE DOOR. when i texted about this they just guilt tripped me saying "we just took you two on a trip" yeah MONTHS AGO i need to see him still! I know they had to leave last minute i just want them to like, validate my fucking feelings for once. but of course my mom was like "just thought you might have forgotten"
they love to dangle financial support over me. I know i'm lucky, i don't have to pay car insurance or tuition, but I have OFFERED to pay for those things and they straight up shot me down, and then turn around and basically say "because we work such hard jobs and long hours to support you you have to be willing to drop any of your plans at a moment's notice to help out at home" ugh it honestly makes me want to move out.

also my mom just straight up doesn't know what is a reasonable amount of food to buy for 4 people anymore. we throw out so much shit and have so many weird specialty ingredients lying around we never use. i think i might have to take over grocery shopping to make sure we don't overbuy to the max all the damn time. i'm talking like buying 3-4 costco-sized containers of fruit which nobody eats bc nobody wants it and then it all goes bad and has to be tossed. instead of just buying 1-2 normal grocery store sized packages and making sure people plan to eat it.

I really do love my family but right now they're just irritating. The only one who can irritate me without me long-term hating her is my little sister. she said some shit to me yesterday, but she then APOLOGIZED so i was like ok lol, all forgiven. without her i'd go insane (and she's moving out soon, idk what i am going to do without her around. she seriously keeps me sane bc she agrees with me on everything stupid our parents do).

/endrant lol

Anonymous 8070

my parents have given me shit about med school too (my dad is a dr), i really don't think parents understand how it is. you have to have med school be your ONLY goal and nothing else can EVER take priority, to get in. perfect grades, insane number of volunteering hours, those stupid voluntourism come-play-doctor-with-third-world-children trips, leadership stuff… i've watched friends go through it and helped them by verifying stuff because the process is so nuts. their whole personality has to be med school wannabe. you can't have a backup plan, 100% of your energy has to go to getting in. so the whole "you haven't even tried" if he hasn't been preparing since first year, his chances of getting in are shit. I know mine are so I accepted med wasn't in the cards for me- and there are so many other things he could do.
you do sound like a good big sister, looking out for him like that. sometimes you really do have to learn the hard way how the world works and it sounds like that is maybe a little what is happening for him. good luck to him and you dealing with your parents. i lowkey know how it is.

Anonymous 8148


>kept kitchen all cleaned up from overflowing garbage bins, leftover dishes, dirty pans, greasy desks and sloppy dog bowls
>mom is coming back home early from vacation tonight

That feel lasted four days.

Anonymous 8155

Good job, anon.

Anonymous 8157

dwight everybody h…

My sister & I moved across the country from my parents, so they come out every summer to visit us. This time, they want to take a "family road trip" to visit extended family members who live in the same state as my sister & I. I'm dreading it for a few reasons:

>dad has anger issues & if things don't go his way, he gets aggressive (especially towards my mom)

>he's also a huge stoner and will get angry if he can't get high, and when he gets high, he fucks everything up
>mom has a disease that makes her really emotional/limits her movement which heightens the drama of every situation
>sister willfully ignores our family's issues, pretends everything's going to be great
>extreme social anxiety makes it hard for me to hold a quality conversation with my extended family members

Last year we did a similar road trip, and it was absolute hell. The only saving grace was that my boyfriend came with us, but this year, he has to work and can't come.

The thought of this trip is ruining my mood every day. I feel like an idiot for letting it get to me so much. I need to suck it up.

Anonymous 8160

For what purpose though?

She is just going to mess things up again and yell at me for it..

Anonymous 8164

You do good, anon. Rather than give up, you try your best. Many will appreciate that of you, even if she does not.

Anonymous 8179

My family is honestly dead to me. Ironically, that's led to what would appear to be a healthier relationship, but that's entirely because I'm now living on my own, so now I just have to tolerate them occasionally.

And I do mean all of my family. I have absolutely zero connection or loyalty to any extended family member, as well.

Anonymous 8183

Thanks for the positive perspective, and in any case I will always have the satisfaction of good effort with!

Anonymous 8184

I hope this is a relationship fully worth cutting off your family from you, if they were ever worth anything.

Anonymous 9665

>be me, 25yo
>first time NEET of 2.5 weeks, went to top state uni at age 18 and got my first job (web dev internship) at 21
>job was kind of shitty, no benefits/vacations or anything but on the plus side was paid $18/hr under the table and successfully evaded taxes
>key broke inside older car, $600 fix (couldn't afford) and eventually word got out & some shithead stole and crashed it
>had to lie to police and say i let them borrow it since a gang threatened my life if I told the truth
>dad was livid, told me to work even more hours
>eventually get a new car, but 100% broke
>since my last 1 week vacation [winter break], over the months the compounding lack of sunlight pushed my circadian rhythm back so I was awake till 3-4am daily (called 'delayed sleep phase')
>nobody seemed to understand or care that I was chronically sleep deprived at work, since I was still able to make my boss money
>scalp hair starts rapidly falling out, skin getting in worse shape
>mom says I'm "depressed" and that it's caused by a "genetic defect"
>dad asks how i'm doing, tell him absolutely miserable and chronically sleep deprived from my job
>he asks more about it and reveal how the job is basically illegal and i never get vacations or any benefits whatsoever
>he tells me to quit the job and I can stay with them "as long as you need"
>after turning off alarm clock & allowing myself to sleep restfully, my hair stops falling out and skin gets better, depression basically goes away
>parents now whining and bitching at me every single day "why don't you get a new job?"
>they literally think i'm "qualified" for some high paying job just because of my degree (just a BS in economics)
>can't find any afternoon jobs except medical related stuff, still up till 3-4am every night
>every dinner they berate me for not having a job, even though I'm 25yo and literally only been a NEET for 2.5 weeks of my entire life, they own 2 houses and I am focused on improving my HEALTH not making an employer rich
>tell them about a programming project I'm working on, completely goes over their head; they probably think it's equivalent to vidya despite that it'll be good to put on the resume

well, at least they can bitch and complain at me every day and it won't be as bad as the chronic sleep deprivation i was forced to endure just to make my boss rich

i got like $2,000 worth of packages stolen from the apartment I lived at too. at least it's over and I can sleep 8 hours almost every night now

Anonymous 9666


That's terrible, anon-chan. I don't have any advice to offer, but I hope things improve on your end.

Anonymous 9764


think about getting an outdoors sort of job. just to get you some money while you work on your own personal projects.
leaves me tired in the evenings and lets me sleep at night, which is nice

Anonymous 9786

yeah i was looking into those, but i can just do freelance programming and make a little extra money. not having to pay over $1000/month in rent is nice, I don't really need to spend much per day on food.

thanks, it meant a lot to see someone feel/acknowledge my pain as legitimate. most people just told me to "suck it up, we all have to work" (mon-fri 50weeks a year??)

i'm actually a male, but nobody seemed to care about my problems until i pretended to be a girl. you can delete my post if you want i guess(YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US)

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