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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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wanting a bf to ask me out in a "traditional" way.. Anonymous 34950

hello this is my first time posting here! so first off, the relationship between me and my dad is very good, he loves me very much and is a very reasonable individual and we are both religous as well. One thing my dad wants for me to do when a guy asks me out, is for my dad to talk to him first so he can know whats up with him. I am personally very ok with this, and in fact, encourage this. The only issue is that even though I want this to happen i dont want a dude to be ask me out and then i have to say "oh you have to ask my dad" when i am like 23 or something… I dont mind doing that it just comes across as still being dependent on my father when i am not? does that makes sense? how the heck do i commence with this?

Anonymous 34953

If the guy you're asking out is weirded by you wanting yur dads approval first, then something here is wrong. Either you need Independance, or Independance and ask out a difference guy.

Anonymous 35565

Unless he's from a very religious upbringing, there's no way he'd know to do this of his own accord.
So either hang around those types, maybe in a church group setting, or be prepared to clue in a guy when he expresses interest.

Anonymous 35567

This is controlling. Your father shouldn't be approving who you date when you're a grown ass woman.

Anonymous 35568

No. Jesus Christ return to tradition A parents approval used to be standard procedure.

Anonymous 35569

And it’s not anymore because it’s considered unhealthy now. Things usually change for a reason.

Anonymous 35571

To add to this: the reason men had to ask for the woman’s father’s permission in the past is because women were considered property of men (coverture). Women were not considered their own person and so were not allowed to make major decisions in their own lives.

Anonymous 35572

There's no point in arguing a radfem so I won't bother, but I will ask

How's your relationship with your father?

Anonymous 35573

There is nothing radfem in not wanting to be treated like a piece of merchandise being traded from your father to your future husband/bf/whatever
On the other hand, it's fine to have your bf meet your parents and you hearing their opinion on what they think of him but it will be surface level at best compared to how well you'll know your boyfriend. Make your own choices you damn sheep, you need to learn to be a good judge of character and not rely on your dad like a 5 year old.

Anonymous 35574

Not even that anon but my relationship with my father is vert strong and he would advise me not to date some dude who asked him first, because that's just insulting. Can't you make your own decisions? One thing is wanting your dad's approval, that is normal, but no normal dude will ask your dad first what the heck.

Anonymous 35588

You didn't answer my question.

Well, in a way you did.

Anonymous 35589

It wasn't the same anon. I posted those two posts. I didn't answer you because it's not relevant. This thread is about OP's father, not mine.

From the tone of your posts it seems that no matter what I reply, you will turn it around and say "ah ha, so that's why you think this way". I don't want to play that game.

Anonymous 35837

its actually a really good relationship i would say, we talk regularly and i should also mention that my father hails from a country where this is a regular thing and he wants to make sure i am with a decent person basically

Anonymous 35846


A man asks your father permission to marry you, not to date you.

Anonymous 35848

A man asks your father permission to borrow his car. Women can decide their own dating and marriage.

Anonymous 35867

I believe the dad is just trying to look out for his own daughter, It doesn't mean he is a controlling psychopath, and OP is okay with it, why try and create a problem where there isn't one?

Anonymous 35868

He is controlling, has influence over OP, and brought her up to think this is normal. That's not healthy and OP needs to hear that.

Anonymous 35871

There are many problems. OP feels like she can't date people without her father's approval, problem 1. This way of thinking is causing OP to struggle to find a way to implement this, problem 2. OP will impose this on the guy trying to date her, which could lead to a bunch of sub-problems (him being uncomfortable, him taking advantage of her, etc) problem 3. OP could miss on the opportunity to meet someone because of this, problem 4. I can go on.
It's fine if you want your dad to approve of your bf, everybody wants their parents to get along with their partners, but there's no need to be retarded and outdated about it.

Anonymous 35893

>One thing my dad wants for me to do when a guy asks me out, is for my dad to talk to him first so he can know whats up with him. I am personally very ok with this, and in fact, encourage this.

Anonymous 35906

And? You claimed there wasn't a problem with that situation, I showed you there is. People don't always recognize that the things they're doing could unwillingly have negative consequences.

Anonymous 36040

I think its cute op, but god damn girl you brewed a storm in here

Anonymous 36466

truly… my words had unseen consequences

Anonymous 36564

idk sis this feels like such a non-problem? just date someone from the same religious sect as you or someone with similar views, so they'd easily understand. If the guy doesn't agree then just look for someone else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
like yk sis why would you even want to date someone that can't respect your beliefs? But that's true in the inverse too, you should also be mentally and emotionally prepared if you're rejected because the other person just doesn't wanna, regardless if it's a valid or invalid reason, just leave that person be, yk? you can't force that person after all

I used to think looking for someone like that would be hard but apparently not, since I know a lot of people irl that are really conservative and/or religious that are paired up.

I don't think couples necessarily have to have the same religious or political views, or the same cultural values, but yk partners have to at least respect beliefs like that. I'm religious and my partner is an atheist, and we're in the same country but from different ethnic groups so we're also culturally different, but it's not really a source of conflict for us. My upbringing is also religious like yours, and my family came from the countryside before moving to the city so they're more conservative than city folk. My partner doesn't understand the need for why I believe and do certain things but at the very least they just let me be. And in turn, I don't shove my beliefs down my partner's throat.

In OP's defense, I also come from a country that's conservative. I don't really see it either as being treated like merchandise too, but I can see why it'd look that way to others.
I think though that it is kinda lowkey sexist to just ask for only your father's permission. Unless your father is a widower or you're in a single-parent household, idk, shouldn't you also ask for permission from your mother? Your mother is as much as a parent as your father is, so why don't you ask her too? idk im not really trying to argue but yeah parental consent isn't weird where I'm from, the weird part is that it's only the dad's consent needed
I am biased because in my country, while you can just elope and get married as an adult, in practice that's not common either out of filial piety/respect, or because you could get disowned/ostracized by your family for marrying someone they don't approve of. Before a couple marries in my country, we ask for the consent/blessing of the mothers and fathers of both bride and groom, instead of just a dad thing bc yk moms are parents too, lol.

Anonymous 36702

what is this, 1950s?
What are you on you dumb bitch?

Anonymous 36739

Just ask the guy if he's serious about it and if he wants to start a real thing with you. You can go have coffee with him first and talk about yourselves a little. Then either tell him to drop you off at your parents house or tell him to come pick you up from there when he wants to see you the again and get him to go indoors.

Anonymous 37395

Ty for your response! My dad is from a culture where people usually do that before dating and I really do not mind it! And I should mention, that I do not have a mom (she left when I was a kid), I probably should have mentioned that so I must apologize for that!!

Anonymous 37396

I like this idea alot! Test waters then introduce! Ty anon, when the time comes I will give that a shot!

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