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Body dysmorphia Anonymous 36545

How do you stop seeking validation of your attractiveness, and stop being obsessive about your appearance and perceived flaws?

I've always had issue with my body image; I am diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, but if I ever try to talk about my issues with people, people roll their eyes and scoff, and say that I'm fishing for compliments because I am "attractive".

Yet, I don't see myself that way, and other people tell me I'm homely all of the time until I start showing my insecurities, then, I'm a hot girl fishing for compliments. Which is it? Am I hot or homely???

I feel like I have such a flimsy sense of self; I can't perceive myself correctly, and everyone tells me something different, and it causes me to seek more and more validation for some sort of consistency, looking for my sense of value outside of myself.

I have ugly duckling syndrome, I think. I was an ugly kid. I grew up invisible and socially retarded, people have literally sat on me, not noticing I was there.

One day, just out of nowhere, I started getting hit on a lot, and it's created a huge dissonance in my head, like my brain feels full of mush, and I don't know if I really am attractive or not, but the better question is why do I even care so much, and why does it bother me? I've literally cried when looking at mirrors, not wanting to leave the house, missing social events because I hate the way I look, but I can't even talk about my body image issues without people scoffing at me, because they perceive it as juvenile or vain to care so much, but I genuinely see myself as grotesque, no matter what anyone tells me.

Anonymous 36553

>>36545
OP, it sounds like you weren't anything special as a kid, now you are more attractive. So yes, you are attractive. Not everyone is going to have the same idea of what normal and attractive is and that might be why you are getting different opinions. Some people think blondes are the hottest, some think brunettes, etc.

Regarding social events, unless you are going to to try and pick up men, why is how attractive you are relevant? People are much more concerned that you are clean, have good manners, and make nice conversation.

Anonymous 36561

>>36545
Woman become sexualy atractive in man eyes almost instantly after puberty, specially if you are actually pretty. In most men the only diferencie between a child and a hot heart breaker is only a couple months. This isnt your fault, but this may be your reality nos, try to focus the solution of your problem with your mind, not with your mirror. STAY GORGEOUS SIS.

Anonymous 36562

c618a1d74f90e746b8…

I was in the same situation too. I used to be overweight and after having an eating disorder (bulimia) I lost all the weight and as unwholesome as it is to say, having an eating disorder did make me prettier.

I understand too that whole thing of not being sure how you're perceived.

For me I got over obsessing about my looks too much because I had bigger problems to worry about. Not that I'm invalidating the body issues that come with bulimia or BDD (in your case) but that's how it was for me. As much as I want to restrict and vomit like, it just too much of a hassle if I did. If I wanted to restrict then I'd get sick or have no energy to study for my classes and do extracurriculars, stuff like that. Another thing is my significant other got diagnosed with a terminal illness so I felt that I had to be someone reliable, I guess. Plus some other smaller problems and daily stressors. At that point it was just kinda more efficient (?) not to be too concerned about looks considering I had bigger fish to fry. idk but having bigger problems helped me reframe how important being attractive was to me. It's still pretty important to me, but if I'd list everything I value in a hierarchy, stuff like family, friends, my SO, and school/career at the top, and being attractive somewhere in the middle.
Unlike in high school where my "glow-up" made me suddenly popular, I was just a plain Jane when I got to university. It made me realize that there are always gonna be people that better than me in some way, so it'd be counterproductive to have too much an inferiority complex. A little inferiority complex can be healthy lol, like motivates you to get better, but too much is just crippling.

Another thing is, both in university and when you start working, people don't care how you look, just that you get the job done. What's the point of someone attractive if they're an airhead, right?

Not gonna give you meaningless platitudes like "everyone is beautiful in their own way" because that's really false, lmao. People that are genetically blessed, physically fit, have enough money for surgery, or those that are talented when it comes to make-up and fashion are blatantly more attractive than people that aren't, like cmon we all have eyes here lol.
As a consolation though honestly attractiveness only really matters if you're on the extreme ends of the bell curve (very ugly or very beautiful). Unless you work in an industry where being attractive is part of the job description (ex. fashion model) or you live in an extremely lookist society where being ugly literally dampens your employment prospects (looking at you, South Korea), attractiveness is mostly irrelevant to the majority of us plain-looking people. People do sometimes get bullied or discriminated against for being ugly, but nobody bullies someone plain for their looks, haha. As for the inverse, unless you're like a goddess-level beauty you won't reap much of the benefits of being attractive, like being given favors etc, you know? haha

>>36561
If you're looking for a partner too, it's not a sour grapes thing but I think it's better to not be overly attractive, actually. Like if you're too attractive yeah, you attract a lot of attention, but maybe not the right kind of attention from the right kind of people. yk, like people (usually men) that are just shallow and horny. Not saying that attractive people don't have fulfilling relationships, just that they have more shit to sift through because they have more suitors. Meanwhile, if you're plain (or ugly even) your looks kinda act like a natural filter against shallow people that only care about looks. I find that comforting honestly. Since I know I'm plain, I'm secure that my SO is with me because of my personality lol

Yeah, like >>36553 said, most people don't care about looks, and that hygiene, manners, good fashion sense are more important.

Anyway it's not exactly concrete advice but I hope this helps in reframing things?? Those are the 2 cents from this elder sister :)

Anonymous 36563

>>36562
>If you're looking for a partner too, it's not a sour grapes thing but I think it's better to not be overly attractive, actually. Like if you're too attractive yeah, you attract a lot of attention, but maybe not the right kind of attention from the right kind of people. yk, like people (usually men) that are just shallow and horny. Not saying that attractive people don't have fulfilling relationships, just that they have more shit to sift through because they have more suitors. Meanwhile, if you're plain (or ugly even) your looks kinda act like a natural filter against shallow people that only care about looks. I find that comforting honestly. Since I know I'm plain, I'm secure that my SO is with me because of my personality lol

Agree completely with this. Attractive people need to have high self esteem and know their worth otherwise creeps take advantage of them.

Anonymous 36567

>>36562
>>36563
Not op, but is it so black and white that men are either attracted to you physically or for your personality? There's no mix available? Jesus christ how horrifying.
idk how men work emotionally, but I know women can be physically attracted to average/plain people.

Anonymous 36574

>>36567
I think they exist, I just haven't been in a relationship with someone like that so I don't know what it's like.
I think it comes down to preference too. There are also men that are in to the plain Jane look because plain girls look more approachable and less intimidating. There's also the thinking that plain girls also have less suitors than a Stacy (almost always true) so they're also less likely to reject you.

Anyway being liked for your personality doesn't really sound like a problem - your personality is more "you" than your looks, isn't it? Although I guess that's just my bias because I don't find myself physically attracted to 3D men at all, so I wouldn't mind if they thought the same as me.

Anonymous 36580

I started educating myself more and see my value overall and not in a reflection. take care of your self, your body and your mind and it will take care of you. its hard what you re going through and not understanding yourself but start from within and you ll understand the outside as well

Anonymous 36584

>>36553
>Regarding social events, unless you are going to to try and pick up men, why is how attractive you are relevant?

I wonder that too… I think it's because I associate my alienation as a kid with my unattractiveness back then, and so, I feel like I'm going to be socially outcasted unless I'm attractive, and I want acceptance…? I dunno. I'm not interested in dating, and yet, I constantly fantasize about being Stacy; it's weird.

>>36562
That's actually really helpful :) I think I have unrealistic standards for myself. I sound incel-ly almost sometimes, like, I don't think I can be socially accepted unless I'm a 9/10 supermodel which is so unattainable/rare in the first place.

>Yeah, like >>36553 said, most people don't care about looks, and that hygiene, manners, good fashion sense are more important.


Is that true? I hope it is. I think I spend too much time lately listening to men on incel sites, it's tainting my mind. LOL.

Anonymous 36588

>>36574
Yeah, my personality is more "me," but I'm also high libido and wouldn't want someone begrudgingly having sex with me while secretly being disgusted. I used to be into that dubcon stuff but I'm no longer pornsick or full of self-hatred.

But if men are simply not attracted to most women then that's extremely bleak.
No wonder febfems do what they do.

Anonymous 36596

>>36588
I see where you're coming from. Let's agree to disagree.

For context, I was sexually assaulted when I was younger in my teens. I've only told 3 friends, even my family doesn't know about it because I feel shame about it. I can only say this stuff because it's anon, ig. But I do plan on getting therapy for it in the future.
That whole experience fucked me up so I'm sex-averse and I have really low libido. Sexual contact makes me feel really nervous, like even if my brain knows my SO wouldn't hurt me, the body still triggers the fight or flight response.
It’s stressful for me. Given all that, I can only see pros and no cons for being sexually unattractive, yk? Because then it means it will be less likely that I'll be sexually assaulted again.

I know that's not really true though. It's a fact that men as a whole commit more rapes and sex crimes than women, and the people they victimize aren't necessarily Stacy-level beauties. Deranged perverts aren't picky, they victimize children, relatives, strangers, disabled, etc., people that a normal sane person wouldn't consider sexually attractive.
Like >>36561 said, women automatically become sexually attractive after puberty - it's not really special to be sexually attractive to men because that's kinda a low bar. Most men aren't that picky, and yes, this is infused with personal bias. If men were only attracted to Stacies then someone like me who isn’t one should have been spared. :/

As for the more normal part of the population, not calling it exactly science journal-level research, but OKCupid did a study a few years ago on how men and women rate each other's attractiveness and messaging/reply rates. For women the attractiveness and message/reply ratings were evenly distributed, while for men it was more skewed, only a minority were considered handsome and got more responses, while most men were considered "meh" or unattractive. Anyway yeah I don't think you need to worry about something like that, because men statistically find women more physically attractive on average than the inverse.

Besides, if you're the gf/wife of a guy they're highly likely to already find you sexually attractive too. Considering most men are horny af, plus the emotional bond, very few men would be unhappy/disgusted about the prospect of having sex with a gf/wife.

Anonymous 36599

dokkoida_favor.jpg

>>36584
You won't siz. Also you didn't give context for your situation so idk how your childhood was, but it's also possible you weren't unattractive when you were younger, but you were socially awkward or you just had peers who were bullies.
Regardless, that's behind you now though. Besides, if it's just acceptance you're looking for, being plain/average is sufficient. If you wanna be worshiped though, then that would require being a Stacy ;)

It's not weird to fantasize about being Stacy even when you don't really wanna date. It's just like a power fantasy/wish fulfillment thing. Like I enjoy playing otome games/dating sims and the fantasy of being "wanted" by multiple people all vying for my affection, even though irl I'm direct and wouldn't string multiple people along.

>Is that true? I hope it is. I think I spend too much time lately listening to men on incel sites, it's tainting my mind. LOL.

It is; of course there are really those genetically blessed that could make a potato sack look like high fashion. But even so you still shouldn't underestimate the power of hygiene, good fashion, and well-applied makeup. If you've seen those makeup transformation videos, the "before" and "after" don't even look like the same person. And fashion is how you help shape how others perceive you. That's why we wear formal attire to job interviews instead of pajamas, right? We wanna look reliable and professional to the interviewer.
Admittedly, really attractive people do have a headstart and have more leeway due to the halo effect. But even with the halo effect, you can still lose people's goodwill by continually fucking up. If your attractive coworker keeps going AWOL, or your attractive group member doesn't contribute anything to the school project, sure you'll forgive them the first few times. But eventually you'll hate their guts for being a flake. That they're attractive isn't relevant.

I don't really visit incel sites but what are the things they say?
Another thing is you wouldn't really want to attract incel types anyway; despite all their griping about wanting a gf, they'd just turn violent or fuck it up somehow if they did have one. Why pander to people like that right? It'd be better to pander what your crush likes (if you have one) or emulate a female role model.

Anonymous 36604

>>36584
>>36599
In regards to incels, they have a more poor understanding of women than any other portion of the population. Using their ideas as a reference point is like asking a homeless person for career advice.

Anonymous 36791

>>36545
What you think of yourself doesn't matter, if everyone says you're hot, you're hot. Simple as that.



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