I feel like my family is turning a blind eye on my mental illness Anonymous 39479
>grandmother dies, mom sends brother to therapy
>start starving myself at 13 for around 2-3 years despite being thin to begin with, nobody cares
>gain a bit of weight back, mom points out that I gained weight, suggest I don't wear very short pants anymore if I feel uncomfortable, making me feel even more insecure
>am the only person not participating in prom, parents say they're disappointed instead of asking why (the reason being me thinking I'm too disgustingly fat + lovely boys in my class made an "ugly girls, don't dance with"-list I was on)
>get very depressed after graduating, cry all the time, even tell my mom that I have suicial thoughts, she only get's angry
>around the same time my brother get's himself diagnosed with ptsd because he had a falling out with members of a local club, resulting in me also no longer being welcome there
>fail to find friends in university, of course never date either, barely sleep, gain 50 lbs more, don't brush my teeth, don't wash my hair or face, wear the same clothes for a month, cope with it by joking that I'm lazy, family goes along with it
>brother calls me fat and ugly every day he visits home, no1currs that he makes me cry, mom worships the ground he walks on
>little sister starts eating less and less, I tell my mom for months that she can't allow her that, am scared that my once extrovert sis turns out as fucked as me, I constantly get nightmares about her
>she finally sees therapist, but mood at home is horrible, sis cries on the daily, my dad has zero patience for her, mom is so fed up, constantly complaining to me, meanwhile I should study for my finals in less than 2 months, but I can't because I'm too down
Am I in the wrong for feeling like I was neglected and my problems being downplayed? My siblings are extroverted, attractive, popular, extremely talkative, my sister is spoiled, always get's brand clothes, meanwhile I barely talk at all. I'm the oldest and I was very mature as a kid or I had to be, I was always very quiet, get constantly told that I must take care of my siblings despite already doing that anyway, I'm supposed to be the easy, unproblematic one. My parents were so strict with me, I never dared to talk or ask for things, I'm so easily scared and so dependent on them now, I feel bad or guilty for the tiniest things, even just for writing this post. Every person always says how different my siblings and I are, me not being well is becoming more and more obvious to everyone, my coworkers at my parttime job also immediately noticed that I'm way too timid and silent, panicking because of tiny mistakes, I'm also the only one who doesn't take care of her appearance at all, yet my family doesn't give a fuck.
My mother has no problems with recognizing mental illnesses in others, even if their symptoms are much less severe than mine. Because my younger siblings are in therapy she constantly asks if she's a bad mom and of course I tell her that it's not her fault, but I just want to yell Mom, look at me, you really think I'm the right person to answer that question?! But I don't because I don't want her to feel sad or guilty. For years I tried to tell that I feel so awful, I tried to seek help from my uni's counsellor but he's an idiot who's always absent from his office/skips appointments, but her only advice is "you'd feel much better if you met up with friends" "you'd feel much better if you lost weight". My anxiety is so high that I'm even nervous around people whom I've known since kindergarten, plus I don't have friends. And it's not like I haven't tried losing weight, my weight gain isn't the cause but the side effect of my problems.
I just feel like I can't go on anymore, I don't have any hope for the future, I'm so scared of failing those exams and thus resulting in all those years of going to school and uni being for nothing, I either want to end it all or just run away, start somewhere anew and live a simple life working some lowpaying job.
You need to fix yourself up, anon. Not for their sake, but for your own. People who bring you down only want you to suffer, and they don't deserve that relishment for what they do. The moment you start trying they'll try to stop you. This is when you'll know being on your own is the only option.
It does sound like you're family is either ignoring your mental illness or you're doing an exceptional job disguising it. Either way, what do you want to do about it?
Reading your story was like reading my own diary, desu. All the characters and even the narrator are screwed up. I don't know the answer to your problems, other than to keep living. Both the past and the future make you want to die, but the present you can deal with, right? People say you need a lot of things to be happy, but you don't really need anything but the present moment. There are no requirements for happiness, or people who don't deserve it. Allow yourself to feel positive emotion, then you can think about fixing your problems.
>I'm so scared of failing those exams and thus resulting in all those years of going to school and uni being for nothing
All those years, just for a piece of paper? Surely, your life is worth much more than that. You are not the same person as when you started school, surely you have grown, learned to work hard, discovered things about yourself. In this fucking absurd world, you gave it your best shot. Be proud. Stop punishing yourself.
I don't think they're the best of people, your family. Even if they do care about you, they're doing it all wrong. So, stop waiting on other people to save you. This might be just nonsense, however, I have a suspicion, that you already know that they aren't going to do anything. Maybe you don't even really want them to do anything. Being abandoned and other people acting nasty to you - it feels like vindication. It feels good to be proven right. But really, do move on. Try to help them yourself, maybe they will give something back.
And do you really need to be saved in the first place? Anxiety builds everything up in your head, until you can no longer deal with it. But in reality, things are never as hard or tough as you make them out to be. You're probably going to pass your exams. Stop living as if the world is going to end any minute.
Sorry anon you had to go through neglect and abuse from your family and peers. Youre parents shouldve been there to support you. Its not your fault.Now your older and time has passed and you got important stuff to focus on, you and your test and etc.
You have to pick yourself up, i know its really hard to do. But you have to. Youre a big girl now and youre the only one who can do it. Someday youll find a friend or few who will be like actual family that will join you on the ride to growing as a person. Just let things fall into place.
Imagine your nearest goal and strive for it. Try your best on the test. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to find local community support groups? But really try to pick yourself up and then later on when its available get a therapist. Eat right, exercise (walk, dance, run, body weight exercises, anything to move and let anxiety out), drink water, get sunlight, listen to bossa nova perhaps?, watch funny things, look at cute pics, wear your favorite lotion, wear nice perfume (oil based is much lovelier on the nose than alcohol based) Good luck on the test and please try to not be so hard on yourself!
That's a very retarded anime pic.