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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Dating general Anonymous 47739

Continuing from >>>29416

Anonymous 47749

Holiday season coming up. Want to break up since my boyfriend's been sharing a lot of personal stuff about me (some family is in a domestic violence situation now) with people who I barely know.

Going to get him something for Christmas, debating on what but I might just do a cake and nothing else. Low effort, low cost, can't say I didn't do anything. End it in 2021.

Anonymous 47753

I hope I'm not needy. I asked for communication from my boyfriend because I was with him in his house and he basically ignored me the whole day. I know he didn't feel good and was busy with school, but it kills me how even with school, I always manage to worry and care about him. All I needed was an "I need space" or something. I stopped trying to make him feel better or talk after a while of me trying to make him feel better in various ways and I left him alone. This morning, he jumped out of bed to do some quiz and didn't say anything to me (I didn't know about the quiz until later) so I decided to leave his house for that day. I'm just broken, it's like he doesn't care about me and his go-to reason is "school", but I feel like part of that is bullshit. I have school, too, and I would not, have not treated him the way same.

I texted him about how I'd appreciate more communication from him in terms of him telling me what he's feeling because I wouldn't have felt so abandoned this morning or yesterday if he simply voiced he needed space or had to do x thing. But I'm scared that's asking too much and I'm being needy. He said he doesn't want to talk about that, so I asked that he commit to a day because he often puts off our talks that have conflict in them. I feel bad I asked him for a specific day because maybe it's manipulative instead of me just letting us not ever talk about it if he doesn't want to. But I hate how scared he is of conflict and his communication. Maybe I'm making things worse by requesting a specific time since he doesn't want to talk about it now. He said the day after tomorrow which I still feel is super long considering I didn't think my problem with him was that terribly big of a deal; it's a bigger deal nothing has changed.

Anonymous 47758

Anon are you clinically insane? Like is this just rhetoric, or are you actually worried that you're being too needy and asking for too much here?

I hope you know he's being a completely shitty partner and it's honestly not about communication. He doesn't care at all about you. Do you even get anything from this relationship apart from stress and worry?

Anonymous 47760

End it now

Anonymous 47761

I've been trying to figure that out for myself. He blames his shortcomings on school, usually, so it's like this dangling bait that promises things will improve. I am diagnosed with BPD, but have been in treatment for it for a while, hence why I question everything I do. I feel scared I come off as too clingy and that me leaving his house this morning is evidence that I'm acting out BPD or something because I didn't tell him since he was in the middle of said quiz he jumped out of bed for and didn't say anything to me, save for telling me to close windows because the heater was on.

I feel like all my actions are wrong and like I lean towards neediness because of my BPD diagnosis. I want to become more independent, but I often feel confused between what the divide of independence and dependence is. That's why his behavior is something I don't immediately think is awful even though I wish he were more communicative.

Anonymous 47766


i posted a little about this in vent thread a few days ago, but im kind of struggling on what to do. to be as to the point as possible, i love my boyfriend. we met online 3 years ago and he was very, very cruel to me. he hurt me in many ways and i stopped speaking to him for almost 2 of those years. we began speaking again in january and things have been really great and he changed a lot as a person. i got a full time job, saved up, and moved with him this past september.

things have been great aside from me missing home. hes very kind and supportive and caring. he works 6 days a week and my only tasks include cleaning (which i dont mind) and trying to enroll in college again.
now heres where i struggle:

hes a lot more immature and less goal-oriented. i have a lot of goals and i get stuff done as needed, but he often wants to sit on his computer. and i get that…he works 6 days a week! but i just wish he would study for his permit (i have mine and plan to get my license when i can practice more) or maybe have some goals for the future. i feel really cruel, and i guess this is what i signed up for because i knew his personality beforehand. he likes to joke around or play games in his free time.

i feel like a bitch…i cant change him and im proud that he at least has a fulltime job, but i want him to grow and pursue more things. hes 20 and im 19. will this change? people said age has nothing to do with it and its what i signed up for. i dont know if i made a bad choice or something? i think longterm and i just worry. this is also my first real relationship so i dont know if these are just obstacles or things people accept with their partner.

Anonymous 47772

You should swap things so that you work six days a week and he can only have the expectation that he cleans and enrols in college. Is he supporting you both right now? What does he do? Is it a stressful workplace or job?

Anyway, give the six day grind a few months to a year to really set in on you and then see what happens to your goals and ambitions, plus you’ll get to see him when he has his full energy available.

It sounds like you’re looking for validation of your doubts. Here’s the bottom line: If he isn’t enough of a striver to match your self-image then you should do him a favour and end the relationship. Chances are strong that as you go through college you’ll find him even less attractive, so better you break up with him earlier, get a clean start, and support yourself than hang around in the relationship as a mooch until you find a new guy to accidentally trade up to.

Alternatively you could tell us how your life plans of being college educated tie into having this bf. What’s he supposed to do in the plan? Keep working six days a week until you graduate? Sorry if I come off as grumpy.

Anonymous 47773

Like >>47760 says, just end it now. Why do you want to draw it out with the whole low-effort Christmas sham?

Anonymous 47776

Recently I met a guy at uni who kind of struck me and did something no other man has done before - he actually respected me. We worked on studying for exams together and he treated me like a real peer, made me feel like an equal, asked for my input and listened to what I had to say. He didn't flirt or try to make me laugh, didn't glance down my top or stare at me when he thought I couldn't see him. My battery died while we were in the library, so he gave me a jump and waited around so I wouldn't be alone in a dark car park, but didn't try to take advantage of the situation. Since then we've seen each other around, and he always greets me with a warm smile and a wave.

I've never really had much luck dating, primarily due to the fact my taste in partner is pretty limited, but after a friend overheard he liked me, I've been considering asking him out. Am I just desperate? He's very much not my type, but I've never been on equal footing with any man and I'm not sure if it's very attractive or just a trick of the mind trying to get me to latch onto him because it was satisfying.

Anonymous 47778

not anon but possible that anon already has a lot of stress with her family and their dv situation and doesn't feel like dealing with added stress of a breakup

Anonymous 47781

its okay, i appreciate that you are blunt.

he mostly supports us both, yes. hes not always the best with his money so ive been having to pull from my savings for groceries and such which i dont mind. its definitely not stressful, he works night shift and its an easy factory job (he tells me hes smoked weed/slept during shift sometimes and nobody has noticed) but it is a lot because its still 48 hours a week.

i think im being really inconsiderate. i remember when i worked fulltime i was really sleepy and exhausted unless it was the weekend. ive offered to work as well but he wants me to focus on school. i feel bad because i think i am being quite a bitch. the thing is, he never really has had any goals.

i guess it is a little upsetting that as i grow and get my degree, he’ll still be working a dead-end job. it just frustrates me sometimes because hes so intelligent, and even with studying for his permit—of 30 minutes he spends online he can be using to study. i guess i just wish he would have some sort of goals further than what he is doing now. i ask him kindly and just give up (with studying his permit) but i think i should be taking a more aggressive approach and offering my help and setting it all up.

additionally, i feel bad because i dont know how he is even supposed to ever study for a career when he has to work 6 days a week. his younger sibling just dropped out of college due to mental health, all of which they paid for, yet they never even had a college fund for my boyfriend. things are nice now, but i just worry for the future when i have an actual career and have reached some of my goals and hes still working that factory job, shitting around online. i love him and its so unfair to leave him due to this, is there a way i can even help? i dont want leaving him to be the answer. he doesnt even have to go to college i just wish he could show some initiative or maybe get into a hobby. i just want him to have a drive for something because hes so intelligent.

Anonymous 47782

You are being inconsiderate, yes, but you are also accurately identifying that your craving for him to be higher status than he is. You see him working a blue-collar “dead end” job and helping you raise your status by supporting you during a focused college education, and you worry that at the end of the process he will be an “underachiever” (low-status label) while you have “goals” and “plans” (labels that connote high-status potential via the striver mentality) that will mean you “achieved” something (status marker in this case being >lmaocollege). You foresee that if this does happen it will be a problem for you, because you see having a boyfriend who is lower status than you as a problem. If you saw him demonstrating striver characteristics than this would reassure you that he is likely to match or exceed your status later, right? But he doesn’t, so you are dissatisfied.

So there are only three outcomes. Either he changes into enough of a striver to satisfy your cravings for the time being (and into the future), you change to perceive what he does have as being high status in some other way, or the relationship withers on the vine. Also, if the third happens but you stay with him long enough to take advantage of his support, then you will forever feel like a parasite (probably accurately if we look at the facts).

One thing we haven’t heard is what you think his perspective is on this, which is a little bit strange. All your posts have been all about you and your feelings. What do you suppose are his feelings on the situation and on your future?

Anonymous 47783

>He's very much not my type
What is your type, and how’s he different to it?

Anonymous 47785

I guess to really simplify it, I like art hoes and he's more of a himbo. I've only had two actual boyfriends, and they were both artists, very expressive and sensitive, reserved and quiet, but very much extroverts. Physically they were about my height, quite thin, had little body hair, a little athletic and with sharp features which I love. The other guys I've dated are similar. However, this guy is a STEM student, very logical, but also jovial with a loud and slightly weird personality and a strong sense of humour, but clearly introverted. Physically he's like 6'2, hairy, a little overweight, but incredibly strong. I've seen him carry a 60-70kg box down two flights of stairs for a lecturer just to be polite.

Anonymous 47786

Sounds like you’re kinda attracted to him. If you are attracted to him then go for it. If not then don’t. Get your body’s input.

Anonymous 47788

its not just about college, im not trying to use that as a marker of success and i should have been more clear. its just the fact that i have goals and things i want to work toward while he is content with keeping things as they are forever. and i wouldn’t mind if he just had some sort of drive for something.

as for his thoughts/feelings regarding our future: he always talks about beginning a family one day and traveling and marrying me. he talks about wanting to make art and music (and he has made some music in the past and had some internet fame from it). he has told me before he never really had goals and is fine just sitting on his computer and staying at his job. and the more i type about this, the more i realize how silly im being. in the end i guess i just wish he acted more mature and had some goals for himself. i want him to study for his permit and go to the doctor (instead of always cancelling) like he should and things like that…and i just would like if he had some other goal or hobby aside from trolling online in his free time. even if he found a nice game or something. its not really his job or education that i fuss about (though his dad has offered him a really good job i wish he would take!) its just wishing he would do better for himself and work harder.

Anonymous 47796

Considerate and respectful STEM himbos reign superior honestly, I can't stress this enough. I was in a similar situation, I always went for the skeletally thin artsy creative guys before my current partner who I knew for a while as friends and initially figured was not my type, until we hung out and developed feelings and fuck I have never been so happy.

Anonymous 47819

Alright, I'm going to go out on a limb and see if there's some kind of real attraction there. I am slightly intimidated by him being twice my size.

Anonymous 47863

Sorry but that just doesn't add up.

Anonymous 47866

Yeah you're right about true himbos, I guess this term is overused nowadays when people including me just mean something like laid back, kinda wholesome, socially uncomplicated and straightforward guys.

Anonymous 48097

>accidentally walk in on bf in the bathroom
>He's sitting on the toilet masturbating
>Awkward, immediately apologize and leave
>He says sorry and tells me to come back
>Tries to show me he was "using" pictures of me

Why do men think we're so stupid? Like damn I know you weren't jerking it to me… He was looking at porn and I just feel insulted that he thinks I'm so gullible.

Anonymous 48098

‘Accidentally’ let him find you jilling off to some BBC porn

Anonymous 48104

Anonymous 48367

My boyfriend took a break because he thinks I'm too neurotic. I've improved a lot over the course of the relationship, but I think he was stressed when he made the decision because we were both going through finals.

I love him, and I want to be with him. But should I? Can I ever trust that he truly wants to be with me if he wants to get back with me? We still text, or rather, I still text, and he's occasionally asked about me (but he's not as engaged as I am with him). I wonder if he's stringing me along, but that reminds me of my paranoia mode and I'd like input on whether him stringing is a greater than average possibility.

Anonymous 48370

breaks and getting back with someone you almost or kinda broke up with rarely works, because now it's established that there are some pretty normal life and personality things that are enough to break you up.

In a relationship where breaking up has never been on the table, of course you don't fully know how far the two of you could go (unless you've already lived through some really difficult events), but at least potentially you could stick together even through the hardest of times, family members dying, severe mental illness, job loss.

once the end of the relationship is brought up, however, the limits become clear, and they are close to what your life is currently like, and the people you are. There's very little slack, and little hope of security. Even if the factors that lead to the threat were to improve, you would always know that if something like a stressful life event causes you to revert, it would be too much for your partner.

Anonymous 48374

Great points, very true

Anonymous 48381


Pathetic adult turbo virgin here. How do I tell if a frequent customer likes me?

>a couple of months ago talking to a coworker about people often mispronouncing or fucking up my name,

>He comes up to my register
>"huh? but your name is anon right? pretty simple."
>wasnt wearing a name tag
>recently, tends to come in on the Fridays I'm working and makes small talk about video games. waits a little longer to listen to me even if im rambling
>asks how my week or day is going
>remembered I play dnd and asked me about that once

I dont know what to do. I try to ask little things to talk to him more. I dont want to sound desperate. am i reading too much into it?

Im also kind of fat??? i would be surprised if he actually liked me. maybe hes just being nice. how should i flirt without being weird about it?

Anonymous 48382

>Im also kind of fat
American kind of fat or just extra 10-15 kg?

Anonymous 48384

Well, the thing is, I just graduated college, which is why I have hope. That's a major life change for me. We haven't officially broken up, I'm kind of fuzzy, honestly, on what this even is - a "break break" where it's like "ooh shit, I'm on thin ass ice"", or if it's "break" as in "I need a few weeks to cool off because you're smothering me and I'm stressed". I've asked for details on the parameters of our break and he provides none, he's not the best with conflict or difficult things to talk about. We're still talking, though not as often before the break, so I assume that's a good sign.

Anonymous 48395


I don't know what's wrong with me I am and have always been horribly lonely, but I hate that I'm already not interested from the start when I know someone's interested in me.
When people have a crush on you, you know what they want and they let you get away with anything it's annoying, don't agree with everything I say you don't mean it.
Not that I'm a mega stacy with dms full of dudes, but the few times a man has tried talking to me it ended up like that, and the one time I had no idea he liked me was even worse initially I never had a friend confess to me out of no where, that also brought up feelings of "oh so this is what he wanted" and the fact that I was even upset with that made me even more upset because he had been there through so much for me and I was such a shit person that I couldn't fathom someone just being nice and not wanting something in return
So basically I want to be with someone but the process of getting there is annoying I'm probably autistic
I'm still trying though, if it's been a month should I even bother responding to a guy I was talking to?, it just feels rude at this point.

Anonymous 48400

>if it's been a month should I even bother responding to a guy I was talking to?, it just feels rude at this point.
Go for it. He'll either happy about it or he'll be annoyed and you can just stop messaging him because you can end online relationships more easily.

Anonymous 48410

‘Mercia fat

Anonymous 48433

Enjoy your (you) scrote

Anonymous 48434

We all just need to squish some cute big boobies, it will make everyone happy!

Anonymous 48442


How can you tell if you actually like someone?

My moid is a very sweet moid but I just kind of find him annoying. We aren't dating anymore but he still tries to help me with stuff and taking naps with him is nice on occasion.

Am I some sort of psychopath? I don't get feelings for people anymore.

Anonymous 48448

It's just a temporal thing at least you have somebody mentally stable.

Anonymous 48452

Do you mean temporary?

It's been like this for about a year. I don't want to end up marrying this guy.

Anonymous 48455

where did you find this seal

Anonymous 48458


It's actually a blobfish but it doesn't look like one because most blobfish are uglier. It's a beautiful blobfish. A stunning girl.

Here's a few more.

Anonymous 48459

lol i was shitposting because its position was very seal like but it is a beautiful fish, no lie there. i hope whoever took the picture didn't hurt her.

Anonymous 48460

Anon I don't think there's anything wrong with you for not liking it when you know someone has been interested in you from the start. I think it isn't too much to ask for that we want people to like us for who we are. Chances are if someone has been interested in you from the beginning, then how likely are they to have liked you for you and not for some projection they made up in their head? I don't have any advice to give you- just that I feel the same way as you and I think it is a reasonable way to be!

Anonymous 48502


Anon it's a blobfish, it's dead. They only look like that after being depressurized.

Anonymous 48504

Look at the photo of it coming up onto the boat. It very much looks like the left rather than the right. It does not look rapidly depressurized. Maybe for some reason it came up to the surface slowly by its own, who knows. It has very distinct form and doesn't look blobby at all.

Anonymous 48505

Turns out it's a lumpfish, not a blobfish btw guys

Anonymous 48528


Thank you I was wondering why it looked so different.

I love how stupid fish names are. Here's another lumpfish.

Anonymous 48541

I need advice, gals. I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask since I'm not dating anyone (and never have before)

I've been thinking of just joining Tinder and lose it (everything, first kiss first time). I'd much prefer to meet someone in real life but since I have no friends I don't go out and I have online classes.
I've always wanted to lose it who someone who loved me and vice versa but real life isn't Twilight and I highly doubt I'll find anyone who'll put up with me in the long term.
I just want to start living a little. I'm 20 and I spent my teenage years alone in my room. But because of that I haven't had much chance to develop social skills so I don't know how to interact with people much less hold a conversation.

I'm also afraid of rejection. I think that would severely destroy the last remnants of my self-esteem. I'm very average looking and I'm just really shy and socially awkward so I guess many will get impatient with me and ghost me.

Well I really don't know what to do. Sorry if this got lengthy.

Anonymous 48546

try something like okcupid or an actual dating site, not a hookup site

Anonymous 48588


Thank you queen,,
I did he was nice about it so now it's only been three days since I've responded instead of a month, I'm slow

Anonymous 48594

I'm kinda in the same boat anon. Furthest I've gone is like "second base" but besides that I've never gone on a date, been in a relationship, or really initiated anything with a guy. And I don't know where to start but I'm tired of my lack of experience, I'm 20 btw.

I'm really not into dating apps because of how unnatural and forced they feel, but it is really hard to meet people (especially right now) and I'm a pretty shy/anxious person.
Rejection would also kill me, and I'm terrible with initiating things.

Don't know where to start.

Anonymous 48756


Should I try Hinge?

I was on Tinder twice but the men I met there never actually seemed interested in dating.

I have no interest in hookups so that might be why Tinder was so bad. I don't want to have sex again until marriage or engagement or whatever so it's hard to find a bf but I want to start dating again because I'm so damn lonely. Is it worth it?

Anonymous 48758


I am beginning to accept that I have terrible, terrible taste in men. Every guy I've dated has fallen into a specific type and it never ends well but I'm a sucker for romance. How do I reprogram myself to prefer more stable guys? Is /r/femaledatingstrategy semi-legit or just a meme?
I hate to sound patronizing but imo you guys might end up regretting losing your virginities to random hookups. I agree with the other anon to try actual dating sites, ease into things with online dating first. If you play video games you can try and form a connection there. With COVID everything's kind of weird but once things are somewhat back to normal, try joining clubs or hanging out at places guys you would be interested in would hang out at (library, coffee shops, concerts, etc). Good luck, I understand not wanting to wait too much longer but don't just throw yourself at the first dude who gives you attention either because chances are he will be undeserving.
I have no advice here but just wanted to say I relate. Sometimes I think about just giving into hookup culture but I know it'd just make the loneliness worse.

Anonymous 48772

Update: I haven't gotten any matches on Hinge I think I should just keep talking to my ex.

Anonymous 48773

>Is /r/femaledatingstrategy semi-legit or just a meme?
FDS is literally just about not letting men treat you like shit. It's legit if you're not brainwashed into thinking men who put zero effort in can be good partners.

Anonymous 48774

where do you work? it kinda sounds like he does, it doesn't seem like normal small talk to me. I don't know what I'd do in that situation but I'd be surprised if he DIDN'T like you honestly. fat girls with nerdy interests can be pretty attractive to a certain sort of dude who doesn't want to waste time dealing with normies and just wants someone he can be himself around and feel special with.

Anonymous 48776

ex for a reason

Anonymous 48778

That's exactly it, I AM brainwashed. I want a dude who will put effort into me but the ones I go for seem to give up the ghost a year or so into the relationship. Reading the handbook right now, wish me luck in not being a dumb handmaiden next year, miners.

Anonymous 48780

Yeah, I broke up with him.

Anonymous 48905

Is anyone else just really bad at showing you want to be romantic?

I've been talking to a guy I like and I think he's similar in that we're just being friendly with eachother until we can meet again.
What I'm worried about is going too slow and he moves onto someone else and also moving too fast. We've only met once because of lockdown so nothing sexual between us yet.
Am I thinking too much into this?

Anonymous 48922


It's now happened twice where I've been attracted to a dude, but repulsed when they show interest back.
Do I hate myself or am I just gayer than I thought, thus horrified by the thought of actually being with a man irl?
Logically I have decided not to engage with men anyway, but the change into outright disgust is odd. And disconcerting. Ideally I'd feel neutral about this.

Does this happen to anyone else here? What's up?

Anonymous 48946

I want a gf but hate dating apps and my friend told me to just go up to random girls and ask them out. I can't tell if that's a normal thing to do. Personally the idea fills me with anxiety, especially at the thought of making random girls uncomfortable. I've had men I'm super not into hit on me in public and it's always a bad experience, I don't want anyone to feel that way even though I myself am a woman.
Not to mention most girls are straight so I'd definitely feel lots of embarrassment with this approach

Anonymous 48948

Both are less than ideal options so you should date me, perhaps not ideal, but not one of the other options either

Anonymous 48950


give dating apps a try, I've met some decent girls on there. Be prepared to sift through a bunch of polyamorous girls with boyfriends and trannies though

Anonymous 48956

I've been on dating apps for like 5 years and I've found a few toxic people, now I'm single again. I'm just sick of the endless cycle, swiping is depressing when I've been at it for so long.

Anonymous 48980

>work midnight shift at supermarket
>same cute guy comes in every other day
>dressed for casual business at 2AM
>always buys some variation of the same things
>stops to talk to me about videogames and RPG's after he saw me with UNATCO and Brotherhood of Steel badges on my bag
>talked about the philosophy of Cyberpunk for over 20 minutes last night
>let someone buy some shopping and patiently waited to continue discussing corporate consolidation theory
>always so smiles so sweetly with his handsome fucking grin asdfhfghjkl
>not fat, just ugly

I have no idea. Maybe they just want to flirt with someone they have some measure of power over. Either way I think the next time I see him I'm going to give him my steam name and ask to play games together.

Anonymous 48981

This doesn't sound like flirting to me, just chatting. Exchanging Steam names sounds nice but treat him like a friend and let him make the first move towards anything romantic in case you are reading him the wrong way.

Anonymous 49094

thats just finding someone who has the same interest and wishing to chat to them

Anonymous 49147

He wants to get back with me. Am I a dumbass if I say yes? I am cautious because this is the first guy I fell in love with.

Anonymous 49157

I don't know, I guess people would disagree, but when a guy seeks out a girl to talk to one-on-one, there's usually some romantic (or sexual) intent there.

This is cute, pls update.

Anonymous 49162

say no, it sounds like you have a bit too much dependency on this guy and i think you should be single and independent for a while
you can always fall in love again

Anonymous 49165

>you can always fall in love again
You have never been in love and probably never will.

Anonymous 49166


Nah i've been in love twice, both times i enjoyed a long term relationship with them and both times it felt different but it was still love
the world is full of men and women who i'd be compatible with and could learn to love or fall in love with compulsively
i'd never stay with someone who has more pros than cons just because i have an emotional attachment to them, hence why i ended it with my last boyfriend regardless of my feelings
don't get caught up in the idea that you have "one true love that can't be replaced" as that idea is used to trap women and keep them in abusive relationships

Anonymous 49167

*more cons than pros

Anonymous 49172

It's up to you and what feels right to you. You probably know deep down whether it's the right choice or not already.

Anonymous 49177

Thanks for the confirmation.

Anonymous 49182

okay anon, make sure you call the domestic abuse hotline eventually

Anonymous 49183

>taking a break = he's an abuser
I mean I'm not saying that looks good for their relationship but abuse is a pretty big jump

Anonymous 49184

I agree with the first part. It's taken so much out of me emotionally to accept my relationship might not occur again that when he said he wanted to get back, I felt numb because of shock. The break was good in that it did give me some extra clarity on our relationship. I'm not sure I could just leave this person, though, in terms of deciding there's more fish in the sea I could fall in love with - I don't form attachments easily in the way I loved him. I felt very independent from my exes.
Well, I'm hesitant because I have been in long term relationships before that were 3+ years each. I did love the person I was with, but not in the way I love this guy. It felt like I loved my best friend who I also enjoyed sexual intimacy with for my exes. With this guy, it's completely different. I definitely fell for him and sometimes I wish I tried harder to restrain myself.

I understand the issues with the idea of "one true love". I don't believe there is necessarily only one true love available for me, but I don't think they're terribly common (at least for me). I am pretty sure he doesn't view me the same way, but I accept it because I could tell my exes were in love with me despite me explaining to them I didn't love them in the same way.

I want to be back with him but I feel ravaged by the month I haven't been with him. It sounds stupid, but it's been so traumatic (I quit smoking at the same time, my sister's baby daddy came into me, etc.) to not have anyone (I have no friends and I haven't been able to find new ones because of corona) that it's like, I have to settle into the idea of being with him again.

Plus, I am tired of shouldering all the problems of the relationship as a "me" problem. While I'm capable of admitting my mistakes and figuring out my own mistakes, he can't do that. It's like he can't introspect on his actions. But if that's how he is, it's not necessarily his fault. I'm thinking of having some dates or meetings with him to establish what is going to be different this time around.

Anonymous 49185

>It felt like I loved my best friend who I also enjoyed sexual intimacy with for my exes
I'm kinda curious what's the difference between this and your current guy, since that all sounds pretty good to me. With the best friend comment, do you mean you felt less romantic passion for them, I guess?

>While I'm capable of admitting my mistakes and figuring out my own mistakes, he can't do that. It's like he can't introspect on his actions. But if that's how he is, it's not necessarily his fault.

It might not be his "fault" that he's like this, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. It's more likely that he could change but just doesn't care enough to, and if he's so legitimately retarded that he can't do that, why do you want to be with him exactly? It also never feels good to be in a position where you feel like you care more than the other person. I wouldn't know of course, but if your exes cared about you more than you cared about them (referencing you saying you didn't love them "in the same way") that might have been a factor in why they're now your exes, one way or another.

It's okay to meet with him again, but you should be firm on your boundaries and expectations, and if he shows no willingness to empathize with you or at least respect your feelings, it'd probably be for the best you give up on this guy.

Anonymous 49187

Nah that was more a response to anon than the initial anon

Anonymous 49188

the love you feel in the present will always feel more powerful than love in the past

Anonymous 49202

*came onto, not into

I felt zero romantic passion. I would do things for them that were "romantic" to keep them happy and because I knew that stuff is expected out of you in a relationship. But I never felt in love with them. I was very honest I felt this way.

I suffer from zero friend syndrome so I know if I don't get in a relationship, I will have no friends. I did not feel any dependence on my exes in the way I feel that for my ex. As long as they would talk to me like a regular best friend or close friend would, I was fine.

With this guy, it feels like a joke to call it romantic. It feels like I actually love him, is the difference. It's not just that I don't want him to be harmed. I want him, actually, with every fiber of my being, and I want to feel like I'm one pure creature with him (though I know of course that we are individuals). I now see why my exes decided to stay with me despite knowing I didn't share their feelings for me. Although this guy says he's in love with me, I don't have much reason to believe he's experiencing that passionate love I feel, or even how my exes felt for me. By contrast, my exes were clearly genuine, for all their faults, about being in love with me.

I broke it off with my exes eventually. One for not much of a reason, I just realized how frustrating his personality was despite how sweet he was, the other because there was a lot of sexual problems that I waived away since I was used to that happening to me growing up.

I will do my best and keep you all updated. I didn't think he'd come back to me so soon, and now it's a question I can't just let him answer for me in terms of whether we get back together or not.

At the time I characterized my relationships this way to other people, though. I also told my partners at the time I wasn't in love with them. I don't think it's just an illusion I am more anxious about my future with this person than them.

Anonymous 49205

finally got over my anxiety and started using a dating app despite being against them for so long. just recently found this guy i hooked up with on it lol

not sure if i should like him or not, we haven’t talked since the hookup

Anonymous 49214

guys who are looking for hookups arent really dating material

Anonymous 49218

i lowkey dooo wanna hookup with him again tho

Anonymous 49220

then don't try and date him trust me

Anonymous 49237

wait are you looking to just date him so you don't feel bad about having a hookup?

Anonymous 49243

im down to date or hook up with him again whatever happens. i just felt awkward about liking his profile considering we havent spoken since we last hooked up lol

Anonymous 49340

He won't fucking post me publicly.
I finally got up the nerve to tell him to post a pic of us to his snapchat story and he posted a fucking privated story. I was like wtf? His excuse is he doesn't want his ex to see it and try bothering us because apparently she ran something of a smear campaign on him and got another girl to break up with him before and stalks him blah blah.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I just feel fucking stupid.

Anonymous 49346

why is his ex able to view his snapchats is she's that psycho

Anonymous 49348

He's full of shit

Anonymous 49367


Anons I'm super nervous. I've been losing some weight and feeling much more confident in myself lately, and today I received gossip from an older coworker that some male coworkers are into me. She didn't specify but I have an idea/maybe delusional hope of who he/they might be. The problem is I'm an autist and don't know how to handle myself around guys. Tomorrow I'm going to try and get more details out of her but for now I'm freaking out. What should I do? Should I even go for it? How do I calm down? The men mostly work in a different section so the relationships wouldn't be frowned upon if something did happen. I'm just so nervous and just got out of an e-lationship that was going nowhere. Will update when I can I suppose.

Anonymous 49368

Careful with workplace relationships. If you work in close quarters with them, things are bound to get messy quick.

Anonymous 49377

Turns out I'm not over my ex so I'm not even gonna bother, just gonna bask in the temporary ego boost. Thank you anon, there are actually a lot of inter-company relationships here due to the nature of the job. So if I ever change my mind, bagging myself an engineer wouldn't be a big deal lol

Anonymous 49391

Do you think men lie in a relationship to make you like them more? I’m dating this guy currently and we are in the beginning phases of our relationship. It’s like he’s too good to be true. It makes me feel suspicious. Is my perception of men so warped that I can’t fathom the fact there are good men who actually exist?

Anonymous 49392

Yes, this is very common unfortunately. They go along with whatever you say you like so so they can get laid. When they realise this isn't happening (or not fast enough) they will drop you immediately.

Try asking some questions to catch him out. If he fails or gets angry, he's a fake.

Anonymous 49395


Yeah a bunch of them do lol. Not only intentionally, they genuinely convince themselves they are or will be X after hearing you're looking for X in a partner (but will obviously revert back after the novelty and honeymoon wears off).

Only look at actions, and get a picture of who he is with friends and family. Basically ignore everything a guy says about himself unless it's credible in a broader context. Doubly so when it's one of the guys who insist you give them an exact checklist of what you want to prevent "guessing games". (This could also be the old 'tism though, and/or them not realizing how much women need to vet because esp nerdy men want female company so much more that they will say anything to get it, and employ as much motivated cognition as needed to fake things even to themselves.)

In my current relationship I took this to the extreme, just made sure we're both looking for a monogamous life partner, and then kept memeing about how retarded explicit communication is and how we should just vibe for a bit. We already knew each other and had lots of interesting stuff in common so we knew we would have lots of fun together, this was more about lifestyle, intimacy, and other relationship behaviour and expectations. Discovering all this stuff slowly and through actions and spontaneous conversations has been amazing for trust. I just get a stronger feeling that he cares, we know each other as people, and he's not just shooting for the bare minimum effort to get me to stick around (and now we actually do communicate well even explicitly lmao).

Would risk a lot of time doing this with random dates though, so there early communication is needed more. But dating apps and such are extremely cursed in general, better to make friends with male friends.

Anonymous 49396

What type of questions should I ask to notice these things? Or the general actions I should keep a close eye on? I told him I liked musicians and now he's learning a new instrument. It's very sweet how he's changing himself to impress me, but I don't like how he's picking up a new hobby solely for me. He should do what he likes, not what I like.

Anonymous 49398

>I told him I liked musicians and now he's learning a new instrument
That seems a bit fakey. He's either not sure of himself or just wants to get laid.

Anonymous 49426

yeah you should dump him

Anonymous 49518

How do you get a friend to get over you?

Anonymous 49525

Honestly I've found that guys never get over crushes and feelings.
Best way to dull those feeling I've found is to just cut them out of your life for months, years, or maybe even forever

Anonymous 49531

i've done that anon, he's really creepy hope he gets over himself

Anonymous 49538

help i found a really good guy but i am ruining it with my borderline and i feel like shit and cant stop dissociating.
i dont know why i am like this i just fucking hate myself and i am considering ending it if i fuck up another relationship especially with the given sociopolitical climate and how old i am.
i cant even enjoy being around him anymore because i cant stop thinking about how i ruin it and then i ruin it more and then i fixate on when it will end.
i mean the second it feels off or it seems like someone is getting over me even a little i just fucking freak. i just cant even relax and accept things or accept that someone could like me.
i mean i dont get it maybe i should go back on stupid medications but they make me less sexual or give me health scares. i just cant catch a break and therapists help very little.

Anonymous 49542

i'm sorry, i have no advice to offer you but i can relate. borderline is suffering i'm so lonely

Anonymous 49543

i just want to meet a qt nonconformist individualistic, critical thinker, misanthropic bf to isolate from society with that isn't like… a complete pornsick 4chan browsing incel

Anonymous 49594

same here. I feel like I can only work out with internet dudes because my entire life has been so steeped in internet culture and normies don't understand my experiences (no I wasn't groomed by pedos but still), but god are internet dudes tiring. Even the virgins. Dating virgins is a meme, don't fall for it. I've dated 3 and by now I believe that if you haven't had any romantic interactions in your 20s then there is something wrong with you. Fuck that idea of "you can train your guy to be the way you want", they'll be completely autistic about relationships and not used to the female mindset or anything of the sort. All they know is how to treat other moids and it's so hard for them to learn how to be a bf even if you take them by the hand and give them fucking to-do lists. I used to be so insecure about dating anyone who has had gfs and sex before because I felt like I would be compared to them but in the end that never happened. Moids with experience have an easier time navigating gfs and you don't have to be tutorial mode gf. Fuck this gay earth

Anonymous 49599

Ok, so we have similar tastes in videogames, we have amazing conversations about dumb nerd shit, he studied the same field I'm studying, we get along really well, he's fucking cute as hell and he said I was cute. My shift starts in 20 minutes, so I'm going to wait for him to come in and I'm going to ask if we can hang out as a date.

Anonymous 49600

How did it go, anon?!

Anonymous 49603

He just came in. I asked and he agreed. He's coming back in 50 mins when my shift is over so we can hang out. Very excite.

Anonymous 49611

My bf took his shirt off for me today for the first time…
His chest was really flabby…
He isn't overweight at all so it surprised me
Like… all of his fat is… located on his pecs?
Why? How?
It really bothered me and he probably noticed and got insecure
…what do? Leave him?

Anonymous 49612

Are you sure your boyfriend is a "he"?

Anonymous 49613

Yeah he's a guy
His pecs are just kinda big and not because of muscle…

Anonymous 49623

Could be gynecomastia if he really isn't overweight.
It's up to you but as someone who used to have ugly boobs, it would hurt a lot if someone left you because of an imperfection you can't change without surgery.

Anonymous 49624


Oh yeah, that could be gyno… whenever I hear about it, it makes me think of Colt from 90day fiance and I feel even more grossed out lol. Picrel.
It sounds like the relationship is young if you’ve only just seen him shirtless. It’s really up to you. If it turns you off so much that it is genuinely affecting your feelings for him, then I’d understand leaving him for it. Don’t tell him the real reason why, obvs. If the relationship was longer lasting I’d probably suggest something else, but yeah.

Anonymous 49681


help. my close (male) friend says he wants to announce something important to me in a few years, and from his hints he’s either gonna confess his feelings for me or try and marry me. but the thing is i have no feelings for him whatsoever. he’s a good friend and i don’t want to lose him but he keeps on insisting that i guess what this big announcement is and i am embarrassed of telling him i figured it out. what do i do

Anonymous 49687

>in a few years
That’s so weird, who announces things like this several years in advance? Things like this is why I try to avoid having straight men as friends. They ALWAYS develop feelings. I would just be straight up about it. Message him something like,
“Hey, maybe I’m wrong about guessing what this big announcement will be, but I wanted to let you know I’m not interested in a relationship with you. You’re a great guy but I want to remain friends.”
I know it’s an awkward message, but you have to get it over with fast so this situation with your friend doesn’t get even more uncomforfable for you.

Anonymous 49692

Just flat out say "it better not be a marriage proposal lmao" rip the band-aid off

Anonymous 49696

I feel like he could see this as sarcasm and her actually wanting it to be true, so if you use this line make sure to double down on it if he sees it as sarcasm lol

Anonymous 49734

Is he getting close to 30? If so then he probably wants to do the "if we're both single by the time we're 30 let's just marry hehe" thing.

Don't do this. If he's a weirdo then he'll get really defensive and gaslight you into thinking you're conceited as fuck, and if he's a nice guy and/or didn't mean it that way then he'll be taken aback and hurt that you'd have to put out a disclaimer before he even asks or that your first thought was "oh please not me". I'd play it straightforward- tell him "I'm really not good with anticipation, please just tell me now. If you didn't want me to know until a few years from now then you really shouldn't have told me because that's cruel. I'm happy to listen to what you have to say so just let me know"

Anonymous 49736

In a few years? Tell him to stop being autistic and tell you now. Who the fuck does that lol "Im gonna tell you something important in a few years"

Anonymous 49742

maybe he's gay

Anonymous 50008

how do i deal with extreme jealousy?
i get jealous over my bf interacting with any attractive girl, when i see him having a back and forth discussionwith one it gets me enraged

last time it was one of these girls who only retweets things about sex and dating and who (by her own admission) is a hoe

i'm really good at hiding my jealousy and i'd never lash out at him, but idk how to deal with it. it eats at me but at the same time i don't want to be the controlling type (like his ex)or scare him away… hELP

Anonymous 50009

Why is he interacting regularly with attractive women?

Anonymous 50011

he's really friendly so he makes friends easily and they tend to be girls
he's also active on insta twitter etc.

Anonymous 50032

tbh I think your suspicion is warranted.

Anonymous 50034

That sounds like flirting and maybe like he’s trying to line up his next gf. Does he mention you much or that he has a gf?

Anonymous 50053

it genuinely does sound like hes trying to be a manwhore, what does he even talk about with this girl who only retweets about sex and calls herself a hoe?

Anonymous 50060

I feel like I'm not allowed to feel bad about my boyfriend constantly rejecting my invitations to hang out because he's "busy". This is my first relationship. We're both in our mid-late 20's.

I get it. He's still in college and I've graduated and I'm working. He has assignments and tests, that's fine. But he's taking like 4 courses in a STEM degree and has 3 days off. Everything is online now. I don't understand how he feels so busy all the time. Just poor time management? I'm sick of being told no or "I can't hang out i'm too busy" when he doesn't even work or rarely takes care of anything in the house (he lives at home, we don't live together). The constant rejection feels bad. He makes me feel like he doesn't want to hang out with me even though he always tell me the opposite. He's always late to everything and sleeps a lot too. It makes me wonder how our life is going to be if we have kids, jobs and a house to take care of. At the same time, I don't want to stress him out about it. I want him to WANT to fix his scheduling issues to spend time with me.

He's a really sweet guy other then this issue. I've never had any other conflict with him. We never fight about anything. We live very close to each other and I only see him like 2x a week if I'm lucky. He argues that we'll spend ~6 hours together on these days or more but I'd much rather see him 3-4x a week for less time. I feel sad and rejected all the time. I feel like it's starting to affect me more and more.

Anonymous 50062

i've no idea:( the bits i've seen of his convos they're joking with esch other
idk if he says it, i think only his sister knows about us but he has some our convos on his pages

Anonymous 50063


I dated one boy when we were 15 and by 19 he was the head honcho of his uni's LGBT society.

Anonymous 50091

update i tried convincing him to tell me like >>49734 and >>49736 suggested and he wouldn't give in, but he started dropping more hints and now i'm convinced he wants to be with me. he started saying that his life would be over if it didn't work out so now i'm too scared to just "rip the band-aid off". god i am so over moids. he even threw a mini fit over me having a celeb crush.

Anonymous 50093

either rip off the band aid or stop being his friend, he has no right to be pissed at you having a celeb crush when you aren't even dating

Anonymous 50119

> rarely takes care of anything in the house
> He's always late to everything and sleeps a lot too.
> scheduling issues

Sounds like your bf is depressed anon. Covid restrictions are especially harsh on students, but there are probably other issues. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

It's weird, I also have this sort of issues, but not as bad as you do.
>Logically I have decided not to engage with men anyway,
It sounds that you have a traumatic sexual history with men, and I have a similar issue. I think the explaination is probably about this. Do you also get infatuated as quickly as you lose interest?
I think the solution, is probably to give yourself time. If you have a male friend at first, with feelings slowly building up, you'd probably be fine. But traumas really poisons our lives.

Anonymous 50236

I'm in a similar situation. But he has a good job, and is working on expanding his competence so he'll get an even better job in the future. No problems there.

But once he is home he just wants to be a hermit and he hates people. He believes he only need his gf for social interaction. I always thought that having a bf would expand my social circle but it's doing the opposite. It makes me feel like I'm with a loser even though his job is better than mine, it's so weird.

But your guy works the night shift? And 48 hours per week? The night shift changes people for the worse. Keep that in mind. If I were you I'd work part time so he could work less.

Anonymous 50243

Lmao. I once knew a guy (mulato) who threw a fit because I showed him a picture of an Asian celebrity I liked. He had brought me to hang out with his friends at uni and after seeing the picture he ignored me and didn't talk to me until it was time for me to leave.
Some time later after we stopped having classes together he sent me a text saying "when are you going to let me fuck you?". I left him on read and thankfully never saw him again.

Anonymous 50245


>"when are you going to let me fuck you?"
Jesus the entitlement

Anonymous 50254

weeeell update number 2. i told him nicely that i wasn’t interested but i wanted us to stay friends. he told me his life has no meaning anymore and he’s gonna be miserable and it’s better if we don’t speak ever again. for some reason he deleted all of his pics on ig and facebook but didnt block me. welp. he was my single closest friend.

Anonymous 50258

This might have been discussed before, but what is the verdict, do policemen make good bfs?

Being desperate for companionship and binging on cop films makes one daydream too much.

Anonymous 50259

Highest rate of domestic violence of any profession, 4x higher than that of the general population.

Anonymous 50260

Yup that’s what I remembered.

Anonymous 50261

That's emotional manipulation regardless of if he does it consciously or not, not to mention downright childish, that's the sort of thing I'd do when I was 14.
You did good, to him friendship with you was a stepping stone to getting with you, and as you already experienced while he's not your boyfriend he also gets real possessive and super jealous because in his mind you're the one.
Genuine friendships with guys are possible, but unfortunately these sort of childish orbiters are far more common than men who can handle a platonic relationship, so you have to be careful.

"in a few years", jesus, what was he thinking?

Anonymous 50262

Your country will affect this but generally, avoid.

Anonymous 50362

He's just trying to make you feel bad, but 99% of people don't want more friends or be friends so I'd consider it a loss. Sorry to hear that.

Anonymous 50371

> it’s better if we don’t speak ever again
this really is better for both of you. it's not fun to be friends with someone you're infatuated with, and it's not good to be friends with someone you KNOW is infatuated with you.

Anonymous 50394

Are there any online dating sites to find conservative men to date? My church is completely bereft of younger guys, and I live in a city that is just hopelessly liberal.
Please don't say imageboards or IRC or anything like that, they're not "conservative", they're just incels angry at women.

Anonymous 50395

Simply put, no. Your chances of finding someone who's all three of these increasingly declining things
>conservative, and not just as in an incel angry at women
>younger moid, or even just someone not a psycho
>in a city that's liberal
Are next to none. This is super simple numbers, you should probably move.

Anonymous 50396

Liberals and conservatives date each other all the time.

Anonymous 50397

Moids absolutely cannot keep their politics to their fucking selves lol this is a pipe dream

Anonymous 50398

So head off into the rural areas? This might be difficult, considering my work. Oh well.

I've tried that, and as >>50397 said, men just can not stop themselves injecting it into everything nowadays. I tried dating a guy who I thought was fairly level headed, called himself centre-left, thought it could work, and on the seocnd date he was accusing me of "internalized misogyny".
It's better just to find someone who's views correspond to yours in some way.

Anonymous 50432

thank you anons. the loneliness is already creeping up on me but it makes me feel better to think that this was the right move. i don't usually make friends easily so having someone care about me and talk to me frequently became a bit of a drug, and it's like i'm suffering from the withdrawals now. i don't know whether i'm justified in being somewhat resentful but i can't help but feel like i got baited into a friendship that was meant to fail from the start.

Anonymous 50912

>meet guy on bumble
>start talking
>we stay up late texting each other
>try flirting with him more aggressively
>he seems absolutely uninterested in dating me

Wtf is going on. He seems to like me because he texts first and double texts sometimes when I leave him on read for little while. What do I do?

Anonymous 50914

You’re a reserve. He is dating someone else but keeping his options open and likes the attention.

Anonymous 50915

He's for sure not dating someone else. And what's wrong with wanting attention? I just need to figure out his motives somehow without being rude.

Anonymous 50916

Nothing wrong with needing attention but wanting another woman’s attention when you are taken is bad. How are you sure he’s taken?

Anonymous 50917

I said I'm sure he's NOT taken. I know one of his friends by coincidence.

Anonymous 50921

I meant to say how are you sure he is not taken? And that his friend is not covering for him.

Anonymous 50922

And even if he is single, he’s not that into you and scoping out better offers. Just stop wasting your time.

Anonymous 50939

Dude just stop, you’re insane

Anonymous 50957

Maybe he likes chatting but isn't attracted to you.
Many anons will say men can NEVER view any woman as a friend so long as she's at least mildly cute, but it's not true. I dislike men in general but they are capable of just enjoying some women as pals.

Embrace the friend zone, assuming you also enjoy talking to him. Gaining a fun and nice pal is a pretty good consolation prize.

Anonymous 50960

I didn't explain it well, look up Derrick Jaxn on YT. He talks about these types of situations.

Anonymous 50992

>childish orbiters
>men who can handle a platonic relationship
Could be one and the same. The only difference is whether or not they're attracted/infatuated with the girl they're talking to, it's not some inherent trait that allows them to be completely fine with any friend-girl(lmao).
Had a first seat view on a friend who was completely normal and reasonable degrade into a lowliest of simps for a cosplayer he met while still interacting with me normally (if you look past periodic pestering for advice on approaching her). Cutting all contact is indeed the least painful option for both parties.
Male sexuality is horrifying, it turns people into slavering beasts and it doesn't ask for permission either.
I guess maybe it could develop while already being friends with a person? Dunno, but that would mean that maybe they had good intentions going into the friendship and then got fucked over by the Beast.

Anonymous 51001

I really want to hook up with women, but i don't even know where to begin. I'm thinking of making a tinder profile after i've taken some good pics of myself… But i'm just so anxious. I think i need to be with someone dominant, who can take the lead. I don't know what to expect. I don't want the woman to use a strap on or dildo or anything like that lol. What are lesbians/bi girls usually like? I'm just super scared of ending up with someone who is judgmental or rude ahh

Anonymous 52183

So I met someone off of 4chan (not a shit board, he's cool). We've been talking and getting along really well, however he doesn't want to video chat even once. He has a smartphone (he's sent me selfies and called from it). Says he doesn't have a webcam for PC. We're planning on meeting in April but I just feel not webcamming is… Weird, there's just something I can't put my finger on but everything else seems to match up. Should I press for it or nah? (Neither of us are super good looking btw, I doubt it's a catfish and just his autism).

Anonymous 52205

>Dating virgins is a meme, don't fall for it. I've dated 3
Well yeah, that advice is for virgins, of course it doesn't work for you.

Anonymous 52211

I've been sexting this internet guy for years now and last time I got into an irl relationship I just stopped talking to him as much but it felt kinda wrong. The relationship was with a man so I didn't care much. I'm seeing a girl from tinder now and we're not dating but it feels morally wrong to sext others, I'm horrible at communication and it takes all my effort so idk how to ask if she's cool with it. I'm tempted to just not say anything to either person since that's the easiest path of least resistance but I would also hate myself?
I hate that I need to confront and communicate people for my entire life.

Anonymous 52213

No, the advice is for gullible women. She’s right. These men don’t magically become better people just because you are a virgin. In fact, they’re more likely to try to emotionally manipulate someone who they know is less socially connected.

Anonymous 52229

You need to get your head out of your ass, there's nothing else I can really say to you.

Anonymous 52233

See if you can figure out if Tinder girl is looking to go exclusive, if so - stop sexting the guy and let him know you don't feel comfortable continuing when you are with someone.

Anonymous 54136

Anons, I need help so I don't go psycho on my boyfriend for no reason.

I have a very solid boyfriend. He cooks, cleans, is affectionate, isn't sucked into video games or porn, etc. All this while I'm a terribly suspicious and paranoid person (I'm diagnosed with BPD). My paranoia has multiple times made my relationship difficult, but through me taking DBT seriously and my medications, I've managed my BPD far better than I ever have before and we rarely have conflict anymore, even if I'm mildly triggered by something (that makes me want to go into my black/white mode, but I've been able to resist).

So what's the problem? Well, I have a strange paranoia of whoever I'm with wanting one of my sisters over me. I don't know why I developed it, I guess the internet corrupted me and it is extreme because growing up, everyone would tell me how attractive I was and they'd say I stunted the growth of a sister of mine because she felt so ugly in comparison to me (she says this isn't true - she says she just accepted she wasn't as attractive and moved on). To add to the drama, that particular sister has a baby daddy and he literally wanted to pay me for my nudes and pictures of me in lingerie. Obviously I told this sister (she's like my best friend), but she still decided to stay with him. This incident happened a few months ago and even though it was her boyfriend, it still haunts me.

A couple of days ago, my boyfriend was talking to me about our future. Now, for context, this sister of mine, though this applies to both sisters, lives off my parents' dime.
He said I might not like this, but maybe (since we want to have a plot of land), my sister should live with us in a guesthouse because we don't know if she could ever get a job. That may be true, but I sure as hell don't want to deal with that, and worst of all, my "alarm" bells start ringing. I felt threatened and insecure. He starts going into how she would have to earn her keep and help with meals and cleaning. Even though she's my best friend, the idea of this grosses me out and makes me feel like he's into her, even though they've never talked. He tried to explain to me in his family you always help out other people, but I tried explaining how it's different for me; we've given that sister so many chances, so many resources, and she doesn't do squat. I don't want to live with her in the future even though I love her. But worst of all, now I feel sickened by my boyfriend. I feel like I can't have sex or whatever.

I hate myself because logically, I think he probably wasn't saying any of that to mean anything. He knows we're best friends and that out of my two sisters after my parents pass, I'd probably rather support that one. But I still feel icky and I wish I could trust him again. I've been trying to look at these thoughts as passing things, trying to let go of them. But they keep circulating and poking me. How do I keep them at bay so I don't fuck things up in my relationship again? I don't want to get mad at my boyfriend for things he hasn't even necessarily said, and for things he definitely hasn't done.

Anonymous 54138

Did this come out of nowhere or does it make more sense for him to have offered this in the context of your relationship? To me it's kinda weird of him to suggest this when he's just your boyfriend and you aren't even married into the family or anything, I don't think it's crazy to find it suspicious even without the BPD/paranoia. He might just be a nice guy though, you know him best. Even if he actually was just trying to be helpful and supportive of you and your family though, you have a great reason to say no already: you have no obligation to take care of your adult sister. I don't think you should feel obligated to care for relatives if they're just fuck-ups and not actually mentally disabled. It's not your job to keep her afloat just because she doesn't want to support herself.

Explain your feelings to him (probably emphasizing the not wanting to be your sister's mom part of the jealousy part), and if he was just being nice he'd probably understand and back down but say the option is open if you and your sister wanted it. If he's weirdly pushy about the idea that's when I'd start to get nervous.

Anonymous 54141

He has made his intention very clear to marry me so it's not like we've only been dating a bit and this came out of nowhere. I explained to him that he has no siblings who are (no offense to my particular siblings) stunted in behaving as adults like mine are, so he doesn't realize the burden of caring for siblings who are like mine whereas with his siblings who are functioning adults, it's a lot more understandable to want to help them in any capacity you can if they needed it. I also asked him if he'd like this friend of his who is basically just a mopey muh depression type of person who is quickly nosediving in life to live with us (she's a woman he's known for over 7 years) in the future if she needed "help" living somewhere and he recoiled and was like "ew, no" and it sounded like that gave him perspective as to why I don't want my sister to live with us. I also did bring up I felt grossed out since bc it's my sister and he said it wasn't that (I mean, of course a person would defend themselves against such an accusation, but I don't want to assume) but it was out of wondering that if my parents died, where would she live if she isn't with a guy anymore (I had been talking about her generally in the conversation prior to him talking about her potentially living with us in the future; like, I was saying how people think she has intellectual disabilities, but she actually does not, that she's actually intelligent, and then he brought up the living with us thing)

It actually did make me kind of uncomfortable because I've never thought about that situation before. Both he and I tend to think super far ahead into the future, but I've never thought like that since my parents are in much better health than his. But it's true; idk what I'd do if my parents passed. My sister is in no position to be an adult and her boyfriend has done incredibly shitty things to her aside from the drama with me. I wouldn't want her with her boyfriend or on the street, but I privately don't want her in my day-to-day life.

The idea in of itself sounds like it was uncomfortable to me on multiple levels and I think that's why I am so affected by it.

Anonymous 54142

Your bf sounds okay to me from what you said, I think he did genuinely mean well and just didn't fully get the negative implications. I do get the feeling with your sister, I don't have siblings like this but I've seen a lot of other relatives dealing with that kind of dilemma. It's natural you don't want to sacrifice your quality of life for her even if you care. I think with situations like this you just have to see what happens when it gets to that. Hopefully she'll be at a better place in life by the time your mom isn't around, and if not it's up to you how much you're able to support her while keeping yourself sane.

Anonymous 54166

Wow he should run fast

Anonymous 54175

>everyone who has seen me and my sister's comments on how prettier I am including my sister's "sugar daddy"
<this caused me to develop a paranoia where my boyfriends want to date my sisters
You are insane.

Anonymous 54190

you don't deserve your boyfriend

Anonymous 54255

I really don't deserve him, he's amazing.

I feel like it begs the question that as much as I trust my bf, what if he would do the same to me? My sister didn't think her boyfriend would do what he did to me.

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