Infertility, pregnancy, and health complications Anonymous 49541
This thread might not be relevant to a lot of you, or it may sound silly and stupid. I just really needed to talk. Shrinks just don’t cut it, this post will be long.
I am a small young woman. From birth I have had congenital abnormalities related to heritable genetic defects, and always known in the back of my mind that fertility, genetics, and labor would have complications.
I am not technically infertile, but I am fully grown and 4’7 with 71 pounds on my body. The malnourishment has been attempted to be treated since I was born with failure to thrive. I have skeletal dysplasia and underwent invasive surgeries to reconstruct my hands and left arm. I have had T3-L3 of my spine fused. I am waiting on surgery for my hips. I have a connective tissue disorder and Holt-Oram syndrome. I will not divulge further because it will get too lengthy. Doctors have repeatedly given me the long talk about genetics, and my own health for pregnancy and labor. At my size, a premature caesarian would be non-negotiable, I am at risk of tubal pregnancy, and I am at risk of amniotic rupture and uterine prolapse. I would be required to go on bed rest at 4-6 months of gestation with monitoring. This poses a risk to myself, the child, my husband’s psyche, and our finances. The child is at high risk of inheriting several autosomal dominant genetic disorders. I have them mild. The child would be severely afflicted in comparison to myself, on top of being premature.
From youth, I have loved children. I am the youngest child in my family, but I volunteered with a family member at a local church to provide care with a week-long Bible study in the summers, catered to children ages 4-6. I was around fourteen at this time, and since then, I have wanted to go into childcare. I want to teach grade school children.
Childless women are not trusted among their peers, who have begun to have children of their own. Women always, whether right or wrong, distrust a childless woman’s skill with children. More so that I have no little siblings, or cousins. I will never be accepted among peers in that way, and I will be a quiet bystander in discussions of how my friends children’s are going up, how they grow from starry eyed children to untamable adolescents, and then to young adults. I don’t think I will be accepted as a whole woman. A woman’s identity is deeply engrained with her maternal profile, and I will never be able to have it. I don’t want to be pitied— I don’t want for my friends, who are to become mothers, to pity me and always stay hush hush around me when children come up. I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.
I have a wonderful boyfriend who intends to make me his wife. He is my blessing. I know in many ways, he craves to be a father, even if he hasn’t really considered it in the way I have. He is a delightful young man with a clean bill of health and a big heart. He would be a fantastic dad.
Children are still in the future for us, without a doubt. They are not something we are prepared for or ready for, but we are still in the position to think about it. And as much as I feel like a monster for it, I just don’t know if I could financially support such a sickly little child as well as they deserve, and still cope with their suffering and pain, and find the time to reserve with their medical appointments and whatnot. It was a massive, massive strain on my parents just with me. Financially they struggled so much, they entered debt and my father worked long hours to foot the medical bills. My mother and father had to find the time, exhausted as they were, to bring me to innumerable appointments with surgeons and specialists and expensive tests.
I also don’t know how my body would handle the pregnancy. My doctors put their noggins together and spoke with me directly. Chances of genetic inheritance, chances of infant and mother’s mortality, chances of disability for myself post-pregnancy. The outlook is not good. My husband would love me regardless of how I am, he would work to help me where I couldn’t and he would sacrifice so much for me. But how could I do that to him, truly? How could I put him through that, with myself out of the game and my child sickly too? What if I passed away? I discussed this with him and the thought seemed to make him sick. For this and this alone, I know I absolutely cannot subject him to that.
Women and men in my family are a little old fashioned. They still continue to say, “well, you may change your mind…!” and look all expectant at me, as if they just know I won’t be able to resist having a child. Even after my numerous explanations of why I can’t have a kid, despite being fertile. They just can’t wrap their heads around it. They don’t understand, and they don’t understand how their prodding hurts me.
Or, they say, “well, you never know how genetic medical science will come im X years!” Well, in X years, I will be in my late twenties and thirties. I can’t afford that time for several reasons, and it also poses a big ethical dilemma for me. It weighs how much I want to mother a child, versus my own view and thoughts on genetic editing. I am religious and it does not really hold up well for me. This is even if it will be safe and available and legal then— and again, affordable. The child would also have to cope with knowing they are engineered this way. I don’t know what that could do to them. And there’s still my own mortality that comes into play.
I don’t know how antinatalists will like my desire to mother my own children. I would happily adopt a child, and love them like they are my own skin, flesh, and blood. I would do it without hesitation and complaint. But I cannot deny my desire to have the experience so many women take for granted. Women who don’t give a single fuck about their children can pop out nine and not even provide them a bed to sleep in. They won’t take them to the dentist. Their children are an afterthought to them. I would love to nurture, protect, and love these children as my own. But there’s still just… the desire. I want a product of my husband and mine’s love, I want to see his eyes in them and know this is his greatest gift to me. I just. It’s so hard. I can’t describe it at all.
I seem very whiny, and I know this entire vent is me feeling sorry for myself. It’s just so much to process. I just want to have a family to love— a husband and a child to love, like my mother never loved her husband, and like my mother never loved me. I know a perfect mother doesn’t exist. But desperately, desperately I want to love a family of my own. I mourn the loss of the children I never had. And I don’t know if this guilt for my own body being too fucked to have kids will ever go away. I don’t know if the longing and pain will go.
I’m blessed in so many ways. I’ll just process this sting on my own. If you listened, thank you.
Don't worry about what the anti-natalist will tell you anon, I feel you this must extremely disheartening. I wish I could do something. Strength to you. And if some retard try to shame you for wanting to be a mother she'll get banned.
>>49550>if some retard try to shame you for wanting to be a mother she'll get banned
What about shaming people for not using paragraph breaks? Do we ban for that here?
It's not her fault imageboards/web pages in general don't support indents. If anything this obsession with paragraph breaks as opposed to hitting tab is degrading proper text formatting, not upholding it.
>From birth I have had congenital abnormalities related to heritable genetic defects, and always known in the back of my mind that fertility, genetics, and labor would have complications.
>At my size, a premature caesarian would be non-negotiable, I am at risk of tubal pregnancy, and I am at risk of amniotic rupture and uterine prolapse. I would be required to go on bed rest at 4-6 months of gestation with monitoring. This poses a risk to myself, the child, my husband’s psyche, and our finances.
>The child is at high risk of inheriting several autosomal dominant genetic disorders. I have them mild. The child would be severely afflicted in comparison to myself, on top of being premature.
>Chances of genetic inheritance, chances of infant and mother’s mortality, chances of disability for myself post-pregnancy. The outlook is not good. My husband would love me regardless of how I am, he would work to help me where I couldn’t and he would sacrifice so much for me.
>Women who don’t give a single fuck about their children can pop out nine
At this point you pretty much reveal you're a moid.
>My husband would love me regardless of how I am
>>a product of my husband and mine’s love
Weird how you keep calling your bf husband when you're not married yet…
> I’ll just process this sting on my own. If you listened, thank you.
I get it sounds like a larp, but I plan on marrying my boyfriend. It just feels better to call him that in the context of him being the father of my kids, considering I am religious.
Figured people would accuse me of larping for this. It kind of stings when it’s in regard to my size because that is a massive part of it and can’t be helped. I do wish it was just a larp. Thanks for your replies though.
>Women who don’t give a single fuck about their children can pop out nine
At this point you pretty much reveal you're a moid.
Not OP but I've known women who talk like that. One of my former friends was obsessed with motherhood but had some self-inflicted hurdles in the way of having a child (reckless spending, insisting on raising the kid in a poly commune and shit like that) and she'd write tumblr posts about the same shit, about how other woman can have children by mere accident when she puts so much thought and effort into planning the lives of her hypothetical children and still will never have them etc etc
For what it's worth, Anon, I have a strong feeling you're female. I pray for you and your boyfriend to have all the strength there is. Please ignore the people calling you a LARP if you can, and stay strong for the two of you!
It just hurts to know there are women capable of birthing children but not raising them, and so they give birth. It hurts watching someone have and neglect and be ungrateful for what you can’t have at all. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. >>49581
Thank you very much. You take care. I understand how this could sound like male larp, but it feels like these people haven’t heard of dwarfism before. There are many types, and while I am proportionate, it has still caused a lot of visible skeletal dysplasia, like in my hips and femurs.
I will stay strong and pray you do too. Thanks everyone for your kindness to me.
Oh, and I forgot to thank you too. It really uplifted me to see your message and I’m so grateful for it. Have a wonderful evening or day.
Anonymous Admin 49587
OP is a long-term user and post history is consistent so far.
The moid knew this and prepared.
a larp as big as your delusions
Some people just ought to get lynched.>>49541
Hello OP. I feel like I can really understand your issue. I also struggle with mild infertility and a pregnancy for me would be likely life-threatening as I was also born very small and malnutritioned. Me and my husband also both suffer through many genetical/inheritable diseases that lower our life qualities and lifespan.
i consider it a blessing that we live in a time where we are capable of making this decision while being able to have much knowledge. It is understandable to feel insecure about having a child when faced with so many challenges. In fact, i commend you for doubting and stalling on the idea of birthing a child instead of leaving this all up to fate. The diseases this child could possibly live with are nothing to laugh at. In the worst case, they would be riddled with disease, in and out of the hospital, going through traumatic treatments, surgeries and possibly even going through near brushes with death that tarnish their memory of their childhood (something i myself struggle a lot with and urge you to think about before birthing a sickly child into the world) and later in life go through the same philosophical ordeal you go through right now. I know that neither me nor my husband could bear the guilt of seeing our child be shackled to daily suffering for life due to a disease we gave them.
Financial worries are also a 100% acceptable reason not to have a child. I know i would only want to offer my child the best, and going without, even if only for small luxuries, could deprive a child from making the best life experiences they could, and i myself deeply regret not being capable of experiencing many things during my childhood due to financial constraints my family had. Parents are their best present and a child must have structure and support, not only emotional but also financial. Having a mother who works full-time and a father who you only see at breakfast is not ideal. Even the parents can suffer through this, since they victimise decades of their lifetime only to be able to see their kids during the few hours from dinner to bedtime.
Another thing, are you entirely sure that your husband wants to have a child? What is his outlook on adoption? What is the gameplan if he fundamentally disagrees with something you are deadset about? what if he wants children no matter what? what if he wishes to donate his sperm or father a biological child without your genes and not from your belly? What if he doesn't want children? Also, God delivers us, but what if you died? How would your husband cope? Is he equipped to take care if a child alone? how would both cope? even worse, if the child also died alongside you… I dont even want to picture what a tragedy that would be. He would be mentally scarred forever. Also, what if he died? Are you (financially, emontionally) capable of caring for this child alone? How would you and the child cope at his loss?
I sadly have nothing to say that would relieve the world's stance on childless women. It is our cross to bear. However, many frame it as jealousy (of their free time, of their youth, of their money), but claiming that is at its worse a cope and at its best pettiness.
If you decide to remain childfree, what could help you is creating goals and wishes that are independent from child-rearing (or even are counter-intuitive to it). Extensive travel, unregular income, unregular work hours and some lifestyles are for example counter-intuitive to child-rearing. Once i realized this and allied some unconventional goals to my regular ones, i started to even doubt if i was willing to victimise these goals in order to care for a child at all.
Lastly, I have a few opinions/questions that might be hurtful, so you dont need to read/answer them if it would accost your mental health, but i would appreciate it to see them answered. please consider i ask this from a place of respect, support and curiosity, with no intent to hurt.
Question: does working with children abate the "loneliness"? I was never involved in childcare, but I can see how it could help deal with the absence and make up for it a bit… on the other side, if i was on your shoes, I would have to deal with daily thoughts of jealousy and inferiority: i lay down 8 out of my 24 daily hours to teaching/caring for these children, only for them to go back to their mothers and grow up without one wisp of memory of me and the care I poured into them.
Lastly, I am at risk of coming off as anti-natalist, but I am glad to see that you consider adoption instead of birthing a child who is bound to suffer. There are many, many children out there in need of a loving home. You will be doing good by not only the child(ren), but also to the world by not accosting it with another human to provide for.
It's a big larp. >sweet religious sensitive fragile woman with disabilities that talks a lot about children and love and nice stuff and being christian and sad things, etc… and she comes to this forum?
And suddenly this spiteful sentence with cursing and mysoginy:>Women who don’t give a single fuck about their children can pop out nine and not even provide them a bed to sleep in.
Sorry but this a larp, probably made by some tranny troll and his weird fantasies about being a petite fragile sweet wife.
Given your views on biological children and how you view it as so special, you should not adopt. If you seriously think giving birth to a child is a bigger "gift" to yourself than the choice that you both make to adopt, why adopt? You claim you will view the child as your own flesh and blood, yet the premise of your statement is based upon the fact you want a child from yourself.
>>49632>there are NO sweet religious sensitive fragile women on the INTERNET!!!!
Where's the part about women being three dimensional beings, anon? Your stereotyping is suspicious at best, and giving another woman flack for not following the arbitrary rules in your head is misogynistic malebrained behavior at its worst.
>Oh no!! a religious woman cursed!! and whats more, she is spiteful!! over a big injustice!! its a MOOOOOOOID!!
women who arent responsible and who didnt have a good education do end up with a duck line of 9 kids who are all malnourished with holes in their clothes and bugs in their hair. that is the truth, and to disagree is to prove to everyone else and yourself that you are a privileged little kid who never looked once at what is going on in the 3rd world/misogyinistic countries.
are these mothers evil and doing that on purpose? of course not.
is OP enraged at seeing the malady in which these kids live, and seeing other women not appreciate the fact that they can have children, while OP is unable to fulfill her biggest dream? thats likelier.
PLEASE go wipe your ass with a cactus
Damn the FDS migrants like you are really turning this chan to shit
>I just wish the hetties had a separate board to talk about their dating problems and life.
We’re the majority here lol
>making your dating life bearable as a hetero woman
go back to twitter
Why have people been so upset about others using "y'all" lately? I'm NTA but I use y'all because English is my second language and it's fucking awkward that English doesn't have a second person plural and I don't want to sound like I'm only addressing the person I'm responding to. English being fucked up is not our fault reee
>>49699>im a lesbian you brain atrophied dumbass thats literally what theyre trying to do over there
That's why you're projecting how much more limited and complicated the lesbo dating life actually is. Did you really not understand that for projecting you need to change your own situation (woman fag) to the opposite (straight) in order to hide your feefees? Or did you just need to say you're a lesbian for the 50th time today? I get it, you're not like the other girls, you're different and special.>>49701
Because of the kind of people on twitter that use it and the tone they use it.
Projecting again, how cute <3no homo
No, seriously, why wouldn't OP post this on the vent thread instead of making ''her'' own thread? It just doesn't make any sense, I'd imagine that because of her situation she hates being the center of attention even on the internet. The profile of her I can imagine from her post is filled with apparent contradictions. I still believe it's a larp. No one that heights 4'7/139cm, weights 71 ibs/32 fucking kg and knows perfectly that her offspring would very very likely inherit a lot of congenital disabilities would take so much effort on writing something like this. The tone, for example, is very suspicious. Yes, I still believe this is a huge larp and the alleged moid who wrote it is quite satisfied.Wouldn't this christian sweet girl have a diary to write this? Why is she teling this to a bunch of random pokemon masters?
We're re-reclaiming "y'all", y'all.
Can we also reclaim "I don't know who needs to hear this, but?"
>>49712Why are you expecting someone on an imageboard to make sound emotional and social choices? Besides honestly big posts like that one would be kind of disruptive in a vent thread, I see generals as a place where you drop shorter issues and if you have something longer that will require more dialog then you make a thread. If anything she should have posted it in one of the motherhood threads I guess. Anyway OP clearly romanticizes her situation a bit (uwu I'm so frail and ill and doll-like and my father worked uphill through the snow both ways and my boyfrie– i mean future husband is a fairy tale prince) but that isn't exactly uncommon with girls on the internet. If anything I think she's a bit of a snowflake rather than a moid.
OP I don't think you're larping and this whole thread is a clusterfuck.
I have concerns about my own body's ability to bear children (my reproductive organs are trash and riddled with problems), but even if I was a perfectly healthy individual I would still be wary of having children.
My boyfriend may someday be my husband as well, and I know (we've talked about it) that he kids of his own someday. Me, though? My life style is too ecclectic and my potential future career could impede on my ability to even be a good mother. Plus I'm terribly anxious and have emotional problems and honestly would probably make a terrible mom. Even if I was a good mom, why put that stress on my body and finances? I don't wanna ruin my body, and I wanna retire someday. Im 28 and still don't know how a 401k really works.
Anyway, just remember:
Your body, your choice.
Your boyfriend will support you no matter your decision.
Your family doesn't know what's best for you.
Surrogates are an option (expensive, but certainly an option).
I wanna clarify my last point was supposed to say:
"If your boyfriend is the right man for you, he will support your decision."
If you know which genes are causing your disorder, you could do IVF with pre-implantation genetic testing.
Sounds like adoption is the best solution for you.
You expressed concerns about your own mortality, but those concerns are not only about your person, or those who love you, but also your child. Imagine being the child of a woman who died in childbirth. The guilt on the child would be unbereable.
Fuck the expectations of others when they don't want to take your concerns for granted. You already came up with a solution, that is adoption. Do it, it is a noble act.
Also fuck the bitter anons in this thread that call you larp.
I don't understand people who actively want to have kids, especially when they have genetic issues that can be passed down and with climate change threatening the next generations existence. THAT SAID if this is not a larp
it is completely fine to want to be a mother, but please just adopt. I don't know what country you're from but if you're American the emotional and financial burden the child would carry from being impacted by those genetic disorders is just too high.
Motherhood is not about pregnancy and birth it is about everything that comes after that. So many women are absolutely MISERABLE throughout pregnancy, and if you would also be you shouldn't feel pressured into pregnancy. It doesn't make you more of a mother to have gone through pregnancy.