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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anyone else terrified of becoming exactly like their mother? Anonymous 52550

>narcissistic personality
>alcohol addiction
>mood stabilizers
I'm terrified

Anonymous 52551

I wish I were more like my mother

Anonymous 52552

If I was half the woman my mother is I'd be much happier with my life

Anonymous 52553

Is that Hanesaki Ayano?

Anonymous 52554

My mother is a narc. She’s a grown up child who never apologises or acknowledges she’s done anything wrong. Everything must always centre her and she must always be acknowledged as the most suffering one (if you have a headache, she has a migraine). She can complain repeatedly about the same thing from her childhood but her doing the same thing to me cannot be acknowledged. Anything I mention that happened to me to dismissed or ridiculed. She has no critical thinking skills and makes up wild theories which no amount of evidence can disprove. Anything she does wrong must be immediately forgiven and forgotten about yet anything I have ever done wrong is brought up regularly. None of my achievements matter unless it is to do with something she finds interesting or worthwhile. Her opinion on what I do in my own life is more important than my own.

Because I can recognise these things, I’m not afraid of becoming her. My father and my sister both refuse the recognise these traits in my mother and cannot see these things in themselves either.

There probably will be times that you do things out of ingrained habits learnt as a child, but you will recognise them upon reflection. Narcs never consider that they could do anything wrong and just continue with bad habits. You can learn from your mistakes and evolve into a better person.

Anonymous 52555

It's a fanart of the character IB from rpg maker self-titled game.

Anonymous 52556

I never thought of it from that perspective. I guess just sometimes my thoughts get the better of me and I become consumed with the idea of how it's only a matter of time before I become what I fear the most. I'm glad I'm not alone with this thinking though. My dad and sister both hate those parts of my mom the most and just wish she could try and work on them at all.

Anonymous 52557

I also find reading a lot about narcs and people’s experiences helps too. I did copy my mother’s behaviour when I was younger as I thought it was normal but the more I recognise it, the more I can avoid it. I always knew something wasn’t quite right though.

Anonymous 52558

I want it. My mom's incredibly based for being able to raise my sibling and I while also working her dream job. She also snagged a rich man who's too autistic to cheat. She's the only one in her large family who hasn't had a divorce.
Unfortunately, I inherited my dad's autism, so I can only hope to be as socially successful as my mother.

Anonymous 52559

>I also find reading a lot about narcs and people’s experiences helps too.
I was half asleep when I wrote this. I meant reading other people's experiences of narcs and about narcs in general.

Anonymous 52560


I already know I'm becoming like my mother. She holds grudges and is a pretty spiteful person, but she's also hilarious and a fun socialable person to hang out with. We have a good relationship and before the pandemic I'd go out of my way to hang out with her pretty frequently.
As I get older I sympathize with her more and more. Even if I got some bad traits from her I hope I also have some of the good traits as well.

Anonymous 52561


>Anyone else terrified of becoming exactly like their mother?
No, but i can see how it could suck.

Anonymous 52562

>loving mother
>pretty, bubbly and feminine in youth
>massive whore
Love you mom, but I’m your polar opposite.

Anonymous 52563

yes. yes yes yes.
my mother is obese, like actually severely obese. she abused me my entire childhood, cheated on my father with a 54 year old black man when she was 32, and never cooked, cleaned, or helped. all of the responsibility was put on me and my father (who worked 10 hours a day doing manual labor)
she is the most disgusting person ive ever met and ever since i was 11 years old ive promised myself to never ever end up like her. im disgusted with her and intend on never seeing her again.

Anonymous 52564

why would you become like her? the first thing that helps avoiding the same mistakes of your mother is acknowledging that you are capable of self direction without being fated to be x or z.
please don't let it be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anonymous 52565

alternatively you could just forgive her for her wrongs (which doesn't mean subjecting yourself to her abuses if that's in the relationship) and stop resenting your mother for what she did to you

Anonymous 52566


felt that
but hey at least she pinkpilled me (a side effect was me developing an ED though)
and her own mother is an incredibly pathetic narcissistic cunt so i can't blame her for growing up like this.

Anonymous 52567

it just always stuck with me that he was black because i would always hear my dad refer to him as a "dirty n-word…" (idk if mods will be mad if i say the word, im not being hateful i dont actually have a problem with black people)

Anonymous 52568

You cant choose youre family, but you can hose to cut them off. You can be youre own person without them. Being related by blood means nothing especially if theyre a terrible person. Dont waste time and energy on people who you dont love and cant love you back.

I hate my mother, I dont talk to her, shes dead to me. I like to think shes actually dead but Im not that lucky. I used to hate her, but now I dont feel for her. Shes just a terrible, abusive, manipulative, mean person. None of her children like her, no friends, series of failed relationships, nothing but substance abuse and being vicious attacking everyone around her. I believe she would end up dying alone and no one would know until a coroners office calls.
So I chose not to have that person in my life, It sucks I lost contact with other family members on that side of the family but now I dont have to worry about her knowing where I live. Because that is a concern. I like too take solence in the fact that I am nothing like that woman.

Anonymous 52569

I made the same promises to myself but weirdly for opposing reasons: my mom cooks, cleans, and does all the housework while additionally full-time helping my dad at his business. He literally lounges after work watching tv, yelling "when's dinner finished" while my mom runs around frazzled.

My dad talks big talk about how if she made more money than him, he'd step up to the plate with housework… well guess what, I make more than him and help my mom after work and he's never gotten up once to even try helping.

My mom stays with him because she has no future, no career, nowhere to go. She also agrees that I should never end up like her. Breaks my heart. I guess it's fair to say I never want to end up like my dad, either.

Anonymous 52570

She should divorce him and take half, then find a job. If she’s going to be a slave to someone, might as well get paid for it.

Anonymous 52571

It's funny how you say that like that's helpful, every woman thinks that plan ofc. They usually don't do it for the sake of their kids or another reason like that.

Anonymous 52572

Bringing your kid up in bad environment is worse than divorce. And sometimes people need to see other people thinking the same thing before they can act.

Anonymous 52573

Lol, no. Don't talk about situations you don't know. She knows she'll be well taken care of by me and her kids are all grown. If she wants to stay with a guy that's her prerogative regardless of how I feel about it; my duty is just to not live that way.

Anonymous 52574

I do know the situation which is why I said that. Abusive relationships aren’t about wanting to stay or not. They’re about seeing no way out. You seem very defensive about supporting your mother staying in an abusive relationship. Even if your mother isn’t ready to leave, you shouldn’t be supporting her decision.

Anonymous 52575

You don't. All you know about her situation is what I wrote, which is the shit side of what her husband deals out. There was nothing said about abuse.

You seem awful persistent about a situation you don't know much about and moreso about convincing someone with ideas that you think have never crossed their mind before.

Anonymous 52576

You said “Don't talk about situations you don't know.” I was talking in general terms. Obviously I don’t know your specific situation.

And yes, what you’ve described is abuse.

Anonymous 52577

Look, it's very strange to me that you're coming from this angle because no woman I know would ever think like this. They understand that others have reasons for staying with someone, or that others might not have or want the opportunities they do themselves for a way out.

If you want to determine that a guy yelling for dinner while being unfairly lazy is abuse then you do that. For me, it's a shitty situation where one partner gets (rightfully) grumpy and the other isn't pulling their weight. Not all shitty situations = abuse.

Anonymous 52578

>my mom cooks, cleans, and does all the housework while additionally full-time helping my dad at his business. He literally lounges after work watching tv, yelling "when's dinner finished" while my mom runs around frazzled.

This is abuse. He’s treating her like a slave.

Anonymous 52579

It's weird because I have major disagreements with my dad and am in the middle of setting things straight, but you came at this with a "she needs to divorce NOW" mindset like that helps anything.

Does it change your mind if I tell you that my mom also helps with nothing related to house, car repairs and similarly treats him like that concerning those? Is he now a slave too that needs to divorce her? Do you now think that they're both shitty people who need to divorce eachother? Does it change your mind if I tell you they support eachother outside of these imo gross misvalues?

Anonymous 52580

> My mom stays with him because she has no future, no career, nowhere to go. She also agrees that I should never end up like her. Breaks my heart. I guess it's fair to say I never want to end up like my dad, either.

Why do you keep changing your story?

>my mom also helps with nothing related to house, car repairs and similarly treats him like that concerning those

I doubt she sits doing nothing shouting at him while he “runs around frazzled” doing house repairs…

Go post your original post on Mumsnet, a site full of older women who have either been in the same situation, known someone in the same situation, or are a therapist/caseworker for these situations. I guarantee you’ll get the same replies.

Anonymous 52581

yes and she’s a narc so she deliberately set up my life to the exact way she was raised because she doesnt want to see me be better off than her. i realised this when it was already too late, the irreversible damage is done so i’ll have to kill myself.

Anonymous 52582

Never too late to chance anon.

Anonymous 52583

I'll check that out, but I think you're misplacing what you think is good will. If I've worded some things in a confusing way, that's on me, but I haven't changed my story i.e. she does do that while he attends to major things she doesn't want to handle herself while she focuses on cooking etc… Things aren't as simple as a woman always getting beaten into submission and being enslaved, for stories like theirs, it's a cycle between two grown adults.

Anonymous 52584

Still, it’s not a happy situation and she should leave. Two people can both abuse each other at the same time.

Anonymous 52585


You can repeat that all you want but tbh you're starting to read like a troll.

Anonymous 52586

Not a troll, go ask on Mumsnet and you’ll get the same answer. Going to sign off here as this is just going in circles.

Anonymous 52587


my mum passed away before I reached my 7th birthday.
I've always found my school peers mums to be fascinating. I say fascinating because my sweet peers were always embarrassed at the slightest affection their mothers showed them, I too acted embarrassed for them too but deep down I would have killed to be them.

dreams of being adopted never panned out either and my memories of mother deteriorated anyways, I only remember the bad parts of me,being an ungrateful daughter.

rest in everlasting peace mother, may god deem me worthy of reuniting me with you once again.

Anonymous 52588

I guess we really do not value things that are given.
If you'd meet me irl, and see how i behave around my mother, you'd strangle me on the spot.

Anonymous 52589

I have a mother like OP's and I can already see myself in her. It's scary and disgusting. We're very similar now when it comes to arguments, especially with a partner. It makes sense that we'd both get it I guess, but it's harsh.

Anonymous 52596

My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was in my early 20s and I've spent most of the time since living with her and helping out with money. She hasn't held down any job since (she has had a couple but has been fired for drinking on the job soon after starting), abuses alcohol, lies about pointless and trivial things and has done some shady stuff like secretly take out loans and credit cards in my name with my personal details.

I will never end up like my mother but at the same time I've basically ruined my own life to make the last 5-6 years of her life easier. IDK why and I couldn't explain it if you asked.

Anonymous 52685

look at his eyes p…

no not really, I love my mother and she loves me.

Anonymous 54673

I'm only scared of inheriting her mental illness. My mother was everything I aspire to be before she developed her psychosis and some things even stuck around after. Kind, loving, intelligent, beautiful. If anything I'm afraid I won't be like her.

Anonymous 54674

Experiences like this are a lesson to value those you have while you still can. After my grandfather died I did my best to live so I don't have regrets about how I treated my loved ones.

Anonymous 54968

Mental illness and sociopathy runs on my dad's side. Meanwhile, my mom is a very nurturing and a sweet person. My parents had a permissive style of parenting. I didn't end up like my dad, and I'm more like my mom
That's really nice anon. My bf is autistic too and your parents marriage is something I'd really want.

Anonymous 55851

My mom is way below average in almost everything: she is dumb, easily manipulated, ugly, passive, etc.
I see myself in her, 100%. She ruined my daddy's life by being unable to take birth control, which caused a pregnancy before a year into the relationship.
Now he's a smart, good looking man that got depressed from being stuck in a terrible life with a mediocre person because of unwanted babies. That's why I quit dating.

Anonymous 55853

If daddy was so smart maybe he should have wrapped it up tbh

Anonymous 55860

yeah. my mom is schizophrenic, homeless, addicted to meth, incapable of keeping a job or friends, etc. our family has done a lot for her (ie. education opportunities, counseling, medication, help applying for disability, free rides, a place to stay) ever since she was a teenager but for some reason she just doesn't want that life. she would rather abandon her only child and run away with an abusive man that would cheat on her in front of her face then say she was just a crazy psycho bitch. kek.

Anonymous 55866

My mom was sweet and loving and amazingly strong. No matter how things got with my stepdad or how big a failure her daughter (me) was she always put a smile on her face and brought positivity. She was a peacekeeper between me and my stepdad. It actually makes me sad I won't become like my mom. I won't have a child to show that love to, I will die alone crushed by a fallen bookcase without giving anything to the world. It hurts how much she loved me despite what a loser I am.

Anonymous 55871


definitely. I'm BPD and bipolar just like she is, though she's a vulnerable narcissist and I don't share that trait with her. I used to get compared to her all the time because I'm very emotional like her and used to be extremely impulsive and have bad taste in relationships like her. Really I'm scared of becoming like her or my father.

Anonymous 55992

my mother abandoned me to raise my sister. I would never abandon or pick and choose babies. I say im doing way better than my mother.

Anonymous 56007

My mother died when I was around eight, from what I can tell, I take after her pretty well. Very emotive, and spiritual. 23 now, it's difficult to remember.

I'm not nearly as standoffish, though. I'm not afraid of carrying her with me. She was good, while she was here.

Anonymous 56014

My grandmother told me something a long time ago. Her mother was apparently horrible and I was scared at the time that I was going to turn in to my mother.
She told me the harder you fight it and the more you resist it, the more likely you’re going to become even more like your mother. Embrace knowing you’re going to have some of her traits. And that’s okay.
Accept that you will have some and the ones you hate will normally not appear.
Now with that being said that wasn’t about things that tend to run in families like alcohol abuse or depression.
Children of Narcissistic parents tend to pick up “fleas” - traits of narcissism but they are more likely to recognize that this is due to their parents.
The takeaway is to hold onto the traits that you think are good in your mom and let go of the rest. It makes it easier in not turning into her.

Anonymous 56017

This makes me feel better. The other day I caught myself acting exactly like my parents and it was humiliating.

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