Has anyone ever considered or tried suicide? How is the best way to do it?
I tried to hang myself with my bedsheets two and a half years ago, but they stretched too much and I just ended up hurting my neck.
I don't want to kill myself anymore, but I figure if I did I'd either buy a gun or take sleeping pills and pass out in the snow.
You're lucky to live somewhere with snow.
It's not worth it, op. I attempted several times, two were pretty serious and close, but looking back I can say it's definitely not worth the pain, and even the "painless" way wasn't painless at all in my case.
Let me know if you need an ear, but tldr don't. good luck.
Attempted a few times, obviously they didn't work. Still consider it from time to time, but only because I don't see any purpose in living.
I hope you're ok OP, and everyone else who's posted here.
I'm glad you're both still here. I don't see a point much either but I'm glad I never went through with it either. Hope you both find something that makes you keep going.
Thanks anon, it's small but means a lot to me. I'm glad you're here too, and hope we can both find a point and truly enjoy life <3
Have attempted suicide in the past via a cocktail of prescription medication. Would not recommend.
I am going to attempt suicide next week via one of two methods I am currently considering. Both I have not tried. Will likely NOT try suspension hanging based on responses here and others I have seen. Will likely attempt carbon monoxide poisoning if I can do so in a manner that ensures the safety of others who may find me.
Please don't take your life. What has happened for you to get to this point? I'll listen.
Hey, are you still here? Let me know if you are, and how you're feeling at this particular moment.
I tried it. Obviously, it didn't work out. What I regret more than getting caught doing it was agreeing to try out the psych ward. It soon became one of the worst and most expensive weeks of my life, especially without insurance. Ever since then, the urge to kill myself isn't as strong as before, but everything seems duller. Life hasn't gotten better, but it hasn't gotten any worse. How are you, OP?>>5639
You still here? I kind of understand that if you've done that much research, you're at the point where it's difficult to stop desiring an end. Nevertheless, I hope you find peace, though I'm sure other miners and myself would prefer to see you happier and alive.
Don't commit suicide. It leads to hell.
I've attempted suicide as a teenager when I didn't know anything about how to do it. They were both pathetic attempts that no one even knows about but they were still attempts nonetheless. I've basically made my 30th Birthday my planned suicide date though. There's no point in me living past that age, especially if I haven't improved my life by then - which going by how my life has gone up until this point, I don't think improvement will ever happen in a significant enough way to stop me.
I'll either try hanging, drug cocktail, or slitting my wrists. Depends on how I'm feeling closer to the date. I've got another 3 and a half years to go. Part of me hopes I can find the change I'm seeking but I also know I'm too much of a lazy, scared piece of trash who deserves to die anyway.
I sometimes go into states (usually after something mildly upsetting has happened) where I just… I cry, and stare into the distance, and I don't feel like moving or talking, or doing anything and all I can think about is different ways of offing myself.
This happened during a 10 hour flight once, I didn't watch a single movie or anything. Just sat there and quietly sobbed and thought about dying.
I've never seriously attempted it, but at times I just look into my future and it all seems so bleak. I'm only 20 and the depression will probably grow stronger as I near my mid 20s. For now I can just think about how sad it'd make my mum and that usually triggers me to sob for about an hour or so just thinking about how horrible I would have to be to leave my family like that, I don't want them to feel responsible for my death (I don't think people who kill themselves are horrible this is just my (probably really bad) coping mechanism).
Had a weak attempt before, but I was a pre-teen idiot so it didn't work out.
I've come to terms with the fact that I really do want to die, and that it will probably happen soon. Lately I've been bothered by existencial doubts and gloomy thoughts of death. Looking closer, I came to the conclusion that those aren't contraditory, just symptoms of me understanding that death is near and trying to make some sense of it. I see it as mourning myself and my own lost potential, and after all of this I'm finally beginning to feel some peace.
I hope my family won't suffer too much, even though they did contribute to this end. I just feel like it's fair to be selfish for once.
Girl, those train tracks over by my house look a little more inviting every day.
Unrelated question: How difficult is it to tie yourself up Snidely Deeds style?
Hanging yourself is a lot easier and a lot less painful if you compress the carotid artery. The certainty of death and not becoming a vegetable is also a lot more successful. You'll pass out in seconds and you won't need to traumatize anyone driving a vehicle. Watch some hanging vids and you'll see before the person's legs/arms go into a weird motion (forgot what it's called), that means they're already out and brain damage is setting in.
I know what thread this is, but reading your post saddens me and I don't want to think of you or anyone here dying, but it's also your choice and life is virtually nonexistent so nothing you do matters.
I appreciate your sympathy, your honest advice, and the respect you've shown me. I know how rare these things can be. Thank you.
I don't want there to be enough of me left to bury, though. I haven't made a decision yet, but it's more about not being able to resist the impulses anymore, I feel.
I like you girls but if that train comes at the right time, y'all will never know.
Hey, I feel you.
Can I ask what you think your lost potential was? How was it lost?
If you mourn it, it means you still have that desire in you, yeah? I wanna hear you, I've felt like that too myself.
And can you tell me who you'd say goodbye to if you were to go?
That is very kind of you, anon.
The lost potential has to do with me knowing I'm not dumb and that I could go on to live a fairly successful life doing meaningful things and maybe even find satisfaction, if not some happiness. I have been given many blessings and shown many open doors, which I am grateful for. Unfortunately I just don't know how to use them and I have let myself deteriorate to a point of no turning back. This alone makes me feel even less deserving of carrying on.
I still have some desire in me, there are times where I feel more optimistic. But those are becoming more and more scarce, and I'm starting to become comfortable with the way out.
I don't know if I'd like to say goodbye to anyone. If I were to inform someone it would probably be my bf, although I've always imagined going without leaving any letters behind, knowing full well that it would be unfair. There's nothing I could say that would give someone else closure, and I don't want the last thing I leave behind to be a lie.
You can always turn back, you clearly have the skills, too!
The hardest thing for me was dropping everything I had to try again. I've never really fully gotten rid of how I was and did everything I should have, but I'm 1000x better off. In your case I don't think you'd have to drop everything, but take small steps.
I think you're worth that anon, you truly understand what it means to be grateful and respect of things in general, that's pretty rare.
I'm glad to know you wanna do meaningful things in the world, they're like little anchors.
Is there anything you could do to return to even starting over where you fell off? If you can't find one, I'd like to try and be another pair of eyes to find it.
Please consider it!
I'm trying the suspension kind of hanging where I lean forward in a kneeling position. How do I know if it's working? I should feel something more than being woozy and my lips feeling like they're bursting, right? If it's not working am I just not tightening the knot around my artery enough?
Look, dying hurts and slows down time. If you're giving up less than halfway through to ask for pointers, I don't think you're actually prepared to make this commitment. That's nothing to be ashamed of, you only die once.
Sorry girl, tough love. We're here for you, but you have to be real with yourself about what you're doing, which is wasting your time.
I know what it's like, being at this awful point where you've checked out of life but are still at the desk. That's the state I'm in right now, and I want out. One way or the other.
But I can't kill myself unless the urge is all-consuming and the opportunity is just right, because I do have hope for the future about half of the time, despite the almost fugue state of emptiness and hopelessness that I live in the rest of the time. Are you the same way?
Why would you do it like that? Are you trying to wake up as a vegetable? You know your body still moves around when you're unconscious right and you could end up "saving" yourself accidentally and kick your legs up and just ending up a retard with brain damage who can't even speak. Why not go through with a regular hanging where you're guaranteed no going back?
I agree with >>5994
sounds like you only partially want to die not only because you're asking a question you already know and answered, but you think partial suspension is ever a genuine method to go through with. You're going to get the exact opposite of what you think you're getting and you're going to damage your body in the process while having to live through that now instead.
>>5988>they're like little anchors
I feel that way too, it's what kept me going until now. Honestly I also do feel like dropping everything but I can't do that right now because of complicated circumstances.
I don't know which steps there could be. I have no friends, bad terms with family, no drive, no strong interests anymore (at least not enough to compel me to actually do something), deep-seated self-hatred with a bitter view of the world… There's just nowhere to pull from.
I appreciate your intentions to help me anon, but I don't know how you'd find something like that.
How did you drop everything anon? Are you free from these feelings now?
>>6003>How did you drop everything anon? Are you free from these feelings now?
I still feel them on occasion, it's pretty rare though.
Before my outlook on life was almost exactly how you feel right now. I know how bleak and pointless it feels, it sucks.
How I dropped everything was I moved. I got a new job, too.
Moving is the BEST thing you can do to change your outlook – you're thrown into a different area and different people. It feels like a fresh start.
Is it possible you can do that? You don't have much to lose if you want to take your own life, so I'd say give it a shot. I really, really recommend it.
Anonymous Admin 6019
Before posting, please consider the Werther Effect – publicizing information about suicides causes a spike of them. This is very sensitive information and we don't want to censor you. I propose using this thread for discussing feelings, coping, and venting, and the similar thread in /x/ for discussion of methods and other more graphic topics. >>>/x/480
Oh anon, I actually moved not long ago and everything is still the same, if not even made worse by being even more isolated than before. I'm happy for you for mostly overcoming those feelings, it's really hard.
For the past two weeks I've been really good with distracting myself and being productive. I haven't been thinking about self harm, suicide, or anything. I've just been going through my daily routine trying to make something of myself.
Tonight I decided to watch a movie I hadn't yet seen that seemed lighthearted enough, albeit a little bit of a tear-jerker. Now here I am with my usual suicidal thoughts and urge to hurt myself popping back up because I can't seem to watch a movie or TV show without contemplating how my life will never be what I want it to be, or how I'll never be as good as character x or y.
I feel so stupid that I get fucking triggered over a movie that I actually rather enjoyed. Now I'm getting the usual pains in my wrist that happen when I feel the urge to cut. I don't know if it happens to anyone else but it's almost like some sort of phantom pain and it just aches until I hurt myself. I just want to calm down and have these thoughts stop. I was doing so fucking good…
Ah, I'm really sorry to hear it didn't work out for you.
It's fuckin great you've made it this far, no matter how it ends.
Remember anon, these are characters. They've got their flaws but only 1-2 hours of their life is shown. You've had years and years to deal with hardships to be where you are right now – you don't have to feel like you're comparable to them, they're written specifically for a role to fill. You've got yours and you might not fill it just yet, and that's totally okay!
It's understandable too. I can't listen to music because it affects me very negatively emotionally – even songs that I would like. Pain and sadness are prices we pay for our long happiness.
Don't feel bad for how you feel! Maybe talk to someone about why or how it upset you and work towards alleviating that cause. I'd be happy to talk with you also.
Thanks anon, what you said is something I'm gonna try to remember the next time I feel myself getting upset about things like that.
After sleeping and having some of my favorite comfort food I feel a bit better than I did when I wrote that post. I'm really trying to desperately cling to any sanity I have because I know if I go too wild with self harm again i'll be forced to go to the hospital. I'm absolutely terrified of that place. Thank God for being high functioning and self aware I guess.
>how's the best way to do it
Hibachi method. The news reports are full of cases every few weeks. In Asia even more prominent than in the west. Many people even just have accidental carbon monoxide poisonning while sleeping.
If I ever have the guts to actually do it, it will be with this method.
I've been considering it more and more often lately. I've been postponing getting mental help for over ten years now, always saying I'm not that bad yet, I can still function, I still have something going well despite my crazy.
Not anymore. Every aspect of my life is currently just one gust away from being destroyed by my issues. I'm about to get my degree, and I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to get a job or pursue a masters because of my issues. My wonderful boyfriend is taking some time away from me because of my issues. I never had any real friends because of my issues, and without a career, friends, or love, I have absolutely nothing.
I need to either fix myself or kill myself. And I don't think I'm strong enough to fix myself. I already have an eating disorder- I think I'm just going to stop eating completely and wait for the life to leave my body. I just hope it doesn't take too long.
Are you still here?
What fields did you wanna go into? If there's even a small opening you should go for it! Are you working or in school now?
Yes, I'm still here. I'm in uni and there are lots of openings but I just don't care anymore. As an update, I already chose the date and feel very at peace about it. I'm sure that it's the best thing for everyone, so now I'll just enjoy myself until the time comes.
I am very sad that you had to make this decission but if you already set a date then I guess there is not much that anyone could have done. I hope you at least somewhat enjoyed your ride and that you will be at a better place soon. I always feel bad about anons suiciding as you are the closest thing to friends I have and the only people that I can really relate to.
And don't bother about beeing selfish. If life is really that unpleasant for you then you have every right in the world to ease your pain even if you have to use such extreme methods. It is sad that things sometimes have to end like this but this is probably just how life is. Some people win, some lose.
Farewell anon, maybe we see each other on the other side
In a way I'm happy for you, I guess. If you fail it or puss out, you HAVE to go for an opening. It's CC law. All the best.
i just wrote my suicide note. i don't know when/how i'll do it yet, i always wanted to make sure there was no chance of survival if i decided to go through with it. i've been wanting to die since i was nine and i'm in my 20s now. i can't take this anymore.
holy shit. I feel really bad for you. Growing up must have been horrible for you with such things in mind. I was on/off depressed since my 20s but only after 25 I really started to wish I was dead. It has probably to do with the fact that as you grow older and older, you cannot delude yourself about your future anymore. Once you start to understand that you failed at life, there is no escape from the bad thoughts.
>no chance of survival
same. therefore I will do the charcoal method when my time has come. Hopefully it will not be painful. The alternative would be opiate overdose as I never consumed any of them and I have no tolerance and it would be very easy to overdose. The only problem is with that method you die of pneumonary failure which is basically suffocating and probably very painful and unpleasant.
I'm sorry things have been so hard for you. I'd hang out and listen to you if we had the chance. Who do you want to read your note?
thank you. i'm still deciding if this is really what i want or not. the only thing really holding me back is how it'll affect my friends/family/boyfriend. i don't want to cause them pain but i don't know how much longer i can hang on.
growing up, my mom would laugh/act in denial when i tried to hint to her i needed help. my original plan was to kill myself immediately after high school graduation but kept holding off. i can say with certainty now that it wasn't worth living this long.
Do you wanna share the note? Maybe on /x/?
I can really identify with your situation and have felt the same way for a very long time. I hope you find peace either way
Here is a boring story.
I considered it for about 10 years. Out of all the wanting to do it I only tried twice.
After my last attempt it feels like all the suicidal ideation was a waste of time. Not in a near death experience "and after that I've been a new person full of hope and motivation and joy" kind of way. I just realized how hard it is.
I had a note and I had been out of the loonie bin for a few weeks. I was very alone and my roommate was out of town for Christmas so it seemed like the perfect opportunity. I put notes on my door so my corpse wouldn't be found and traumatize them.
I got into a 10 second window of losing consciousness with a belt around my neck. All the sensations were there and my vision was full of flashing lights. And then knowing that I was close to passing out, this little voice in my head went "this is it" and out of nowhere the thought of not existing anymore became too terrifying and I stood up and undid the noose. And in that moment things were flashing through my head, like the desire to watch new stuff and experience more things. Before I stood up I imagined being wrapped in a blanket watching this one OVA, and I thought how I had a lifetime to do stuff like that.
I felt so angry at myself after because of how close I was. But from where I am now, I wonder if I truly desired death as much as I thought I did? Or if it was easy to say I wanted it to end until facing it.
For now I don't bother thinking about it anymore like I used to. I don't think I have the ability to pull it off so it's just too much to think of day after day. If things feel too awful I tell myself I can die in a few years, but for now just have to bare it.
If you're in your 20s you should wait. I can't handle reading anymore of this thread right now, you have a right to your own life ending how you wish, but it's still heavy to read.
There's so much empty motivational stuff to hear and so much of it is unhelpful, but maybe someday you can reach a point where you can wake up and be glad you did.
>>5994>>5995>tfw when everyone is like this to you about things other than death irl, too
I am tired of this shit. I have been depressed since I was about 12 or 13, maybe a bit longer because I remember being a lonely sad child. It is your classic story: grew up in a fucked up household, had an abusive pedo stepfather, an insanely religious control freak mom, a dad who didn't give a shit about me, yadda yadda… and teen angst.
I am so tired. I have been on and off meds for a while. Last year I made my psychiatrist think I was cured, or at least doing a lot better, but I guess I am back to my usual shit hole of depression.
I am in a LDR, and that is the only thing I appreciate right now, but at the same time we are so far away that sometimes I am afraid we won't make it because we're both poorfags and he is a neet, so I'd have to make things happen for the most part… and I feel like I can't do much. I am at a loss, honestly.
On top of that, I have been dealing with an eating disorder for many many years, but 2018 has been particularly painful because I feel disgusting, fat and worthless. My ex who is a diagnosed narc has been threatening me for a while, and I feel like he can kill me at anytime he wants, which ironically isn't something I want even though I do want to die – I don't wanna die by his hand.
I have started self harming again after many years without doing that… uhh to sum things up: things are so shitty. I wish I could die. I don't see things getting any better. I've tried killing myself before, but only two attempts could be considered "serious", I guess. I wonder if someday this year I'm going to have a meltdown and attempt again. I wish it would be the last time and that I would succeed, but this is highly unlikely since I've tried most "painless, quick" methods before, so unless I did something really harsh and violent, I guess I'd just have another failed attempt to add to my list of failures. I'm 25, and I never thought I'd make it to this point in life… idk if that should make me happy or sadder.
Like a lot of people here, I wanted to die at an early age. Still want to die, nothing changed.
I tried really fucking hard to give my life a purpose - hobbies, friends, work, stuff like that. Didn't work out, not even close. Right now my only motivation to keep going is the bf, who I just want to see safe and happy. However, the relationship isn't really stable and he doesn't seem to need me anymore and we broke up once, so…yea.
I'm actually trying to get a job so I can save up for my funeral. It's the least I can do for my parents.
My plan right now would be trying to get some sort of disease, anything really, that untreated could cause death. No one really gives a shit about my health or life so it would be easy to hide and it wouldn't be that obvious that it was intentional. As shitty as my parents are, I don't want them to blame themselves for this, we got bigger issues to deal with.
I also live near a train station, so if the above "plan" fails, well..yea. I hope it won't for the sake of the workers but as time goes on it's becoming more and more appealing.
I also read a bit about bitter almonds, which don't seem to be illegal here. But I can't find too much info about them as a method.
I also read there is cyanide in apricot seeds so I wondered how many you need to eat to die of cyanide intoxication. In general nature is full of toxic plants the problem is just they all taste disgusting so you would have to buy a capsule machine and gelatine capsules and fill them up with the toxic stuff
Started considering it when i was around 8-9. Started very seriously considering it when i was around 11 years (as in, researching how to and shit), most of my teens i was basically thinking "i'm so glad i'm gonna die before i reach 17 so i don't have to deal with this anymore" and dropped everything around me because what's the point of keeping acquaintances and good studies/grades six feet under, didn't go with it and here we are: friendless, catching up with my studies that i fell off of, depressed and alive.
I'm currently in my twenties and still consider it almost every day even-though i'm being treated for my mental health (which i don't thin is working at all), tried a few times to kill myself (mostly in my teens (by slicing my veins and swallowing pills since i'm an eurofag so no guns and i don't wanna end up as a main cast of veggietales for necking myself the wrong way and shit)) but pussied out at the last minute and kept on keeping on.
Currently i'm too lazy too carry it out and i don't want my cat to miss me so i live my life in autopilot while being casually moderately suicidal hoping maybe one day i will know what happiness is or i will get better magically.
It's been +10 years and i'm still not sure if i'm glad i didn't go with it or not lmao.
It changes every day depending on how much of a piece of trash my brain is being but i think i'm semi-glad to be alive currently because if i died i wouldn't have met my current cat which i love dearly and has helped me a lot, and in turn that made me realize that maybe better things are there to come no matter how dark the road ahead seems for me, wonderful things that i don't expect might become part of my life which is really hopeful but is really helping me out. This helped me out to calm down the suicidal thoughts a little, and i hope it can help some people out in this thread as well.
I've tried to commit suicide. Or well, I attempted it, and lived. It was on odd thing. Y'know, dying. I had felt so alone for so long, and at the time I had lost a relationship (like, the general term, not a partner) that was very important to me, and felt excluded from the very places I had thought I belonged. I've struggled with depression for as long as I remember, and it seems almost every year, around this time, I go back into some deep depressive phase. I feel like I have opposite seasonal affective disorder. I cried, everyday. Almost every hour. I was a senior in high school at the time. Every single period I cried, I cried during lunch time and I was alone. I felt abandoned by everyone I had ever trusted, and was still not over some previous traumas I had suffered when I was about 13. It was so easy to cry, when all my life, and even know, I had suppressed it. I suppressed every negative emotion because I saw it as a sign of weakness, though I didn't feel that way about other people. So I kept it all in, and I was too scared to let it out, because I had a strong, prideful, and even cold reputation. No one could see my constant pain.
Anywho, I've written probably 20 or so suicide notes, in my life, soon to be 20 myself (december birthday). Now I've given up on the prospect, what happens after I die doesn't matter, because I will be dead, and it is impossible for it to matter to me then. As far as what I did, I was dumb and took a whole bottle of tylenol, I did some research and apparently it can kill you if you take enough. Sure enough, it almost did. I don't actually remember all this though, not to say I fainted, or blacked out, but I was so dissociated that I have very little memory of it. I was probably knocked out too at some point as well. I was in the ER for 3 days, or maybe 4. Or 5, it happened last year and I simply slept through it all, so I dont really remember exactly how many days it was. I was involuntarily admitted to a facility stayed there for two or three weeks. It was alright, but I didn't really belong there. It didnt help much either, and was slightly overpopulated. I went to my therapist every week after that, found out my medication was actually having the reverse affect on me. After I got this help, things got better. I felt normal for the first time in my whole life. And now that I've.. left this sort of.. "high", I feel horrible. I don't go to college yet, as I told myself I was gonna make some extra money, but I just keep spending it every time, cause it is one of the only things that makes me feel happy, as shallow as that seems. I have close friends, I have a partner as well. My family seems to care about me. I know all of this, and yet I still feel… so.. lonely. I still feel the same as before. I stopped going to therapy because I was doing so well, up until just a couple months ago. But I'm going back soon. I even cut myself, for the first time in my whole life. I took pride in not doing it, it made me feel strong. Y'know… "I didn't do this thing I find dumb (at the time) and I'm better than those people for it". Or some other selfish and horrible mantra. My partner helped me deal with it, but now I have scars. What can ya do. It didn't help, I don't even feel like I did it. I feel like it wasn't me. Like I wasn't me. But honestly? I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm just a stack of masks, with seemingly no bottom. No true self. Or maybe my true self is nothing, in a way. Feeling nothing, doing nothing, being nothing.
I don't even know what I'm doing at this point, I have not even read any of the replies in fear I'll do something terrible again, but I also feel the need to put all this here. A whole fucking novel. Fucking crystal.cafe.edu . Have a cute picture of my 2 cats when they were kittens, they always make me feel better, maybe they will for you all too. Unless you hate cats. Then you should feel bad, or something. Cause.. you suck, or whatever. I dunno.
>>6287>It's been recommended to eat 1 Apricot Seed for every 10 pounds of body weight. If you weigh 130 pounds, then you would eat 13 seeds per day, spread out throughout the day.
Now how true that is, idk.
Tbh I think I could stand the taste, I'm way more sensitive to smell>>6324>what's the point of keeping acquaintances and good studies/grades six feet under, didn't go with it and here we are: friendless, catching up with my studies that i fell off of, depressed and alive.
That's the worst part.
anon i was in your situation with graduating. i felt like a giant failure, had no idea how to move forward, paralyzed myself with fear…. and ended up taking an entire year off. just volunteering. i worked for a little bit. and when i felt ready, I found a way to move forward that wasn't my top choice, but is working out for me.
I had similar thoughts too- "if you can't keep up with the world it doesn't need another lazy shit like you" "nobody fucking wants to help you get over your shit, either be productive and contribute something or die" which are 1) soooo not motivating, so they won't help you get your butt in gear and move forward (whereas positive thoughts like "i'm capable of this, even if it takes me a little bit longer to figure it out" and "i'm worth taking the time to figure out my life. i'm worth healing" etc ARE motivating and positive) and 2) aren't even true. people don't deserve to die because they aren't sure where to go with their life yet!! That's so ridiculous! You get to have a million second chances at friends, love, career. take all of them!!!
Things have a funny way of working out. Everyone told me this in the depths of my depression, and I HATED it… but I also knew they were right. if you stick with things, give yourself time to heal, and slowly work up to participating in life again… they will work themselves out, one way or another.
if you can, find a way to take some time off. if you have to work, you have to work, but taking some time away from school etc and that environment can help. you are worth recovery. you are worth love. No matter what you did, no matter what you are doing. no matter if you fail a class, no matter if you don't do something right away after finishing school.
I really hope you're still here. I'm rooting for you, and I hope you pull through and find a next thing for yourself, whatever it is. I also hope you get help recovering from your ED. you deserve food too, no matter what. you deserve life. I hope things are different for you now. <3
used to think about it before graduating all the time. my boyfriend knew and i know it took a toll on him. i was too chicken to ever actually do it, so i just laid around hating myself after graduating until it was finally pointed out to me that it was logically inconsistent to hate myself for not working and things got better from there. not perfect now- i still think about it now and then- but better.
one thing that's kept me buffered is a guy in knew in hs killed himself. i didn't know him well, but he had tons of friends and was very smart and well liked. he went to a good school and from what I know he got good grades and I know people from hs still talked to him. and he killed himself. it just blew my mind that he could ever think for one second that he was worthless… i saw teachers on fb who had taught him maybe 1 class in MIDDLE school saying how bright he was and how outgoing, kind, funny, etc and how much they missed him now. and it made me realize that probably a lot more people than i thought would be sad to hear that i was gone if i had done it. it made me stop and re-evaluate my role in this world.
the other thing was my sister. i know she's my rock, but i think i might be hers, too. our older brother is a piece of shit asshole with shit opinions, so i think she looks to me for guidance and advice. i felt like i couldn't leave her with the guidance of "when things get rough just kill yourself" and i knew it would shatter her if i was gone. she depended on me and still does.
writing about this is making me emotional. i feel so bad for this guy, and i barely knew him, but i know he deserved better than hating himself. i wish someone had been there to help him. i wish he was still just some guy i knew in high school off doing some great thing. instead of the guy i knew from hs that killed himself.
i don't wanna be that cheesy "it gets better" person. i just hope that those of you struggling find a simple reason to hold on, even just like a tv show or a pet that would be sad if you died or something. I'm rooting for you guys.
I've considered it regularly since probably the age of 13. It gets worse when I'm absolved of responsibilities, since there's nothing to distract me and I can see all of the harsh truths of my reality.
I don't know why exactly I'd want to do it, but it has a lot to do with
>crippling fear of failure - I'm a perfectionist
>the knowledge that everything I do will never be good enough for me
>not being able to feel emotion as fully as I should
>spending all of my time in my head
>not being able to really connect with people (I have "close friends" and a boyfriend, but I know them much more than they know me)
I've never tried to do it explicitly, but I have
>drank a lot more than I should
>restricted my diet heavily
>deprived myself of proper sleep
>taken more painkillers than I needed
>been reckless with my money
>been reckless with my physical safety
The first three of which, combined with the antidepressant that I'm taking, highly increase the risk of seizure. It's subversive self-harm. I think I do it because sometimes I feel very dissociated from everything and the more I can exist physically, the more I am convinced that things are real.
I keep myself around for entertainment. Sometimes I manipulate situations to see how people react to them. I like charming people and getting them to like me, it's almost a game. I never hurt anyone's feelings, I just pull some strings to see if they behave as expected.
>How is the best way to do it?
Hanging. It's the most foolproof method, IMO.
That being said, I hope the rest of you in this thread can stop thinking in this way and recover eventually.
I'm still here because I can't get a gun and too much of a pussy to try to jump.
I was suicidal when I was about 14 but I never attempted it, and when my parents found out, I got put on anti-depressants. 5 years on, I'm still on the meds but even though I've had very low points since then I've never considered taking my life. Reading this thread last night made me realise how glad I am that I'm still alive today. I'm not saying it's easy because I'm still struggling to get through life, but I still have so much to live for. I love my cat more than anything else and he gets upset when I'm just out for the day so I could never just leave him like that. I've found new hobbies and made some fantastic new friends through them. I have goals I'm working towards. I want to get a job and move out of my parents' house (except the cat won't be happy about that). One day I want to get married and have kids. There's so much of the world to explore and experience.
>>8207>on anti-depressants>for five years
You have my sympathies, anon. Whatever you do, don't
stop taking them. You're in way too deep to find another way out of this. I hope you get the family you want to have.