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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 56436

>tfw BPD
I have absolutely no sense of identity, any advice on how to gain one desu?

Anonymous 56437

I hope I don't sound patronizing, but of course you have an identity. Having an identity is just the sum of your likes and dislikes, your beliefs and disgusts. So this is like asking, how do I gain sentience? You're already there.

Which candle smells do you prefer? Do you think animal testing is the right thing to do? Do you like your bed soft or firm? Which textures make you wince when you touch them? How do you want other people to think of you when you're not there? Would you become a cyborg?

On and on, all of these are you. I guess in worst case scenario, if you truly have no desires or preferences, you should become a hippie. They're easy to emulate and I think they make the world a better place.

Anonymous 56440

I agree with this. I'm not BPD but I don't have a larger sense of identity that I would describe in a word outside of just being the entity that is myself and follows a certain pattern of behavior I can best describe as - me.

Anonymous 56442

>Having an identity and having a sense of identity are not the same thing.
Learn something new every day.
>A stable sense of identity means being able to see yourself as the same person in the past, present, and future.
Crazy idea. How can anyone have a sense of identity? I am happy to be myself, but I am not the same person I was ten years ago, and ten years from now, I will not be the same person I am now. Any cession of consciousness is a death, and thus through my nighty deaths do I hop forward in time, leaving traces of previous me's in my wake but never waking to be the same person I was yesterday.

Anonymous 56444

Doesn't LSD cause ego death?

Anonymous 56445

Correct, the juxtaposition of having lost your identity will make it quite plain what it is you lost in the first place. That or you get over your personality that is obsessed with having an identity and just keep moving. Either way works.

Of course there could be fundamental irreparable damage to the psyche, but I very plainly stated it was the most dangerous option.

Anonymous 56446

>How can anyone have a sense of identity?
This can be quite hard for an existentialist to understand, but some people do actually believe that consciousness isn't just an emergent property, but could fundamentally be something else entirely. I understand as an existentialist it's hard to feel understanding or compassion for other people, but it turns out your viewpoint isn't the only viewpoint.

Furthermore, we can get into semantic lingual games about what "identity" even is, since I highly doubt OP has forgotten her birthdate or name (things considered part of other people "identifying" you), nor do I think OP believes that she is her physical shell and is debating whether or not the physical shell is her. No, when most people talk about not having a "sense of identity" it relates to them having performed actions and made choices purely based off of what others around them do, or what authority figures such as parents have instructed her to do. Thus, OP may feel that she has never made a decision by herself for herself.

>babby's first existentialist comic

I like how it doesn't give any moral backdrop for why he should care about his future selves, and even if that was substantiated, anyone else's. It states it as if it should be self-evident, but it's kind of stupid.

Anonymous 56447

Not always. Having done a lot of drugs all I can tell you is to be suspicious of anyone that’s trying to sell you psychedelics as a way to grow as a person. You’re chemically altering how your mind works and that in itself can be informative if only because certain cognitive processes that you take for granted will be lost or altered giving you a better qualitative understanding of how the mind works but psychedelics aren’t self growth juice. Maybe it will be easier for you to understand yourself in an altered state, maybe you’ll come back believing nonsense about yourself because while under the influence it felt true

Anonymous 56450

If all OP desires is a sense of identity a sense of identity revolving around made up nonsense is as valid as any other.

Anonymous 56451

just skinwalk someone else but pick someone where it can't be traced back

Anonymous 56453

Oh god you sound insufferable. Whatever you do OP, don't listen to what this person's idea of a personality is or else you'll end up an utter wanker like her.

Anonymous 56455

I doubt OP should listen to you either, as you didn't even understand her question in the first place.

Anonymous 56456

>you aren’t smart enough to understand me
Lel. She’s right though, why take personality advice from someone who manages to come off as insufferable in just a few lines?

Anonymous 56457

Did I ever state anon wasn't smart enough to understand me? I am literally pointing out that she vapidly responded to OP and then exclaims after the fact that she found out what a sense of identity was today.

>Learn something new every day.

Why talk personality advice from someone who literally didn't understand the request, but answered anyway?

If anything I realize that OP is silly to ask advice on how to find her identity when she needs to give it to herself.

Anonymous 56458

Sense of identity and identity can be the same thing in OP's sentence. I don't know if English is your second language, or you just want to be right so badly that you're being willfully blind, but OP could have meant "I do not have a sense of who I am, i.e. an identity." or it could mean I do not have a 'sense of identity'" which is a phrase that appears in only a couple of articles and two out of three of those articles note that sense of identity and identity can be used interchangeably as long as both are referring to personal identity.

>If anything I realize that OP is silly to ask advice on how to find her identity when she needs to give it to herself.

Why did you say identity in this sentence when you've been arguing that identity and sense of identity are different?

Anonymous 56459

>If anything I realize that OP is silly to ask advice on how to find her identity when she needs to give it to herself.
Wait, isn't that literally what hippie girl said? How can you two be arguing if you're both giving the same advice?

Anonymous 56461

>Why did you say identity in this sentence when you've been arguing that identity and sense of identity are different?
I guess we can clarify then, is the statement "find her sense of identity" a valid phrase in English? I would say not for the purposes of this conversation. To clarify, do you believe "find her sense of identity" is a valid phrase in English? Let's find some common linguistic ground.

>Wait, isn't that literally what hippie girl said? How can you two be arguing if you're both giving the same advice?

Hippie girl's advice is that she already has an identity(duh), when OP is claiming she doesn't have a sense of identity when she very obviously does. Sight and the things you see are not the same thing, sense of identity and identity are not the same thing. If hippie girl's point here was for OP to disregard everyone else and find herself, that was very poorly communicated. Even moreso because this advice,

>On and on, all of these are you. I guess in worst case scenario, if you truly have no desires or preferences, you should become a hippie.

Runs opposite to the rest. Furthermore, hippegirl then just firmly asserts that sense of identity doesn't exist here, >>56442

Meaning her actual response to OP's question is "it doesn't exist sis".

If any of this is wrong feel free to correct me.

Anonymous 56463

>Lmao what if the ship of Theseus but with people
Existentialists are frauds

Anonymous 56467


By comparison, I have NPD and I honestly feel like a pure victim. I feel like making a post in this thread because I talked to and relate to people with BPD.

Think of someone who is shy. You feel sympathy for them, right? Like bullying them would either be beneath you (if you consciously think of social-relations like that) or make you feel like a total asshole and so you'd rather leave them alone. Especially if they display suicidal-tendencies.

Now think of a narcissist. All of their grandiosity and attention-seeking behavior? You want them to fail and suffer, right? To knock them down a peg? That's why all of my toxic ex's friends, for instance, felt glad when we parted ways and refused to listen to my sound points if I even bothered to talk to them.

But capital-N narcissists already suffer and deal with constant feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.
Grandiosity is just a mask, like an innocent, sweet kid wrapped around a bubble to protect them and their emotions from the constant abuse, doubt, and ridicule they suffer from. It is something I have to deal with almost every. Damn. Day. It makes you gnaw your teeth at every failure and difficult challenge along the way.

I personally am on the covert side of things and so don't express overt grandiosity unless I'm drunk or feel confident in a certain situation, but it really shows in just how much people with this condition suffer.
Look at any video relating to narcissism and how people are glad when their friend/ex/co-worker/family member etc. suffers. Most of them act narcissistic but don't actually have NPD, but it is disgusting and cruel nonetheless. Narcissists suffer from the same shit like self-harm (I have plenty of scars), doubt, worry, fear, and whatnot as anyone else does.

It is VERY difficult to get along with people in the long-term for me if I actually crave something gnnuine and interpersonal, and it is not something conscious, but something I have to simply, well… accept. Not a fan, but oh well.

Sorry for the blogpost, but I needed to get this off my chest rn. I relate to the manufactured sense of indentity, though. I can't help but put up whatever I think will gain me the most amount of love and care, until I know I got someone in the bag.

Anonymous 56468

People are just bad at dealing with mental illnesses that make others unpleasant to be around. My one friend / acquaintance with NPD is a complete ass because part of the way that his narcissism is expressed is the need to shit on and belittle people including people he identifies as his friends to protect his own ego and people hate him for it. I personally don't hate him since he's obviously like this because he's mentally ill but I don't like to be around him and I only care about him to the degree that I would a random stranger. I wish he'd eventually come to terms with his insecurity since that's what's fueling his need to be shitty in the first place

Anonymous 56469

100%, I love my own company a lot and most people belong in the garbage bin regardless of condition or not. I am unpleasant because I am a no-nonsense person and egocentric, and because I enjoy talking about academic topics too much which retards are too dumb for that. People would get upset because I lack light-heartedness, but I developed that trait around my late teens as I learned about the nastiness of others.

Still makes certain people feel like I am a fascinating person, but that's not enough to develop a deep connection and I am rarely flattered by mere quasi-mockery like that. My ex, for instance, felt I was abusive because I looked down on their lack of emotional-intelligence, but what else should I settle for? Looks matter to me, and they had that, but I want someone who's not a moron.

Thanks for the comment, though.

Anonymous 56470

>By comparison, I have NPD and I honestly feel like a pure victim
Whoa what a surprise. (I don't even have problems with NPD but it was so stereotypical it made me laugh sorry anon)

Anonymous 56480

i wish i had this. i am constantly self reflecting and thinking about my identity.

Anonymous 56672

I also have BPD and shift through major identity changes every year or so because of the lack of identity bullshit BPD brings. I don't know if it's the advice you're wanting, but I just embrace my changes. I am everything and I am nothing, and the only thing permanent about me is I am ever changing.

Anonymous 56875



Anonymous 56881


Did I not own up to it in my post, while also trying to give an explanation so people with a shred of empathy might feel something and self-reflect?

Because lol, good job on ignoring the very real effects mental-illness has on a person. As I said, try comparing someone who's socially-anxious with someone who has NPD and see who society feels more empathy for on the whole, despite both being outcasts in the end.

To you, the kind of personality you have on the outside versus when you are in private, on your own, trying to relax and unwind, is probably all there is to you in your life.

But things aren't that easy for me. Imagine always being paranoid and on edge. Imagine people first thinking you are charming before realizing you are a fraud and denying you a semblance of empathy because they think they have a moral high-ground over you and you need to be PUNISHED for supposedly being a bitch.

How could you not be alternating between social-circles when living like that? I've dated people before where, on the outside, jealous women or loser dudebros thought I was ''''toxic'''' and deserved to suffer and be put on the hook when I just looked down on people contributing very little to the success and mental well-being of my partner. Takes a long time to take effect because I'm adored at first, but eventually these words take effect and it's ridiculous.
I'm honestly disgusted how much people let others sway their opinions on things like this, even though, knowing social-psychology, I kinda understand it.
Stll sad, though.

I AM a victim, but as if I'll let others put me down based on that.

Anonymous 57020

I have an identity shift every few days. I’ll latch onto one aesthetic or interest and in a couple days become completely bored or repulsed by it. By the time I’ve started getting things in order I’ve already moved onto the next shiny new object of interest. It’s really fucking annoying, like a slightly slower version of adhd. Unfortunately it often happens with people too. I will like a guy for a day or two then develop contempt for him out of nowhere, or miss my friends then decide I can’t stand them after we talk for a bit.

Anonymous 57021

Isn’t cluster B a personality disorder rather than a mental illness? Meaning it’s not organic in nature, it’s learned/nurture behavior.

Anonymous 57025

Since this is BPD related (I think) How do I stop walking on eggshells around … highly sensitive and emotional people?

Anonymous 57034

This happens for me with interests. Usually lasts about a week at most. Thankfully the interests never completely go away and so I can still enjoy the resources I’ve gathered, though not with the same intensity. Sometimes it does cycle back around though.

I wish it happened with people more so I would be less likely to latch onto people who treat me badly for long periods. I have to keep everyone at arms length to avoid forming a longterm attachment.

Anonymous 57037

This. There's no such thing as "deep down" or "the real me". People are the sum of their actions. The fictions they invent about themselves don't change that.

Anonymous 57350

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