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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 56497

So, I'm pregnant. Now I am a realistic person, and I understand the logical thing for me to do is abort so I don't sink the entire trajectory of both my life and that of the father, but I suddenly have serious reservations about it for very emotional and unrealistic reasons. I need some guidance.

To start with, the father is my best friend. We realised pretty early on we could never co-habitate peacefully, but we are extremely close and very compatible, leading to very sporadic sex. He's caring, supportive and respectful. He's also from a large, very close family and has years of experience raising kids from infancy to adulthood. He's filled to bursting with love, would make an excellent father and absolutely wants kids.

On the downside he's also a very well educated scientist at a very critical juncture in his career. To add onto that, I only last week encouraged a friend to pursue him romantically because they share so much common ground. I also know for a fact that if I told him I was pregnant, he would drop everything to provide for us. We would not make a happy couple actually living together, but he'd put himself through the torture for his baby.

Now for the weird fantastical thinking stuff - I feel like this is destiny. First, he was my first ever real friend who stuck by me during all my worst days. He helped me overcome my social anxiety, was there to scrape me off a park bench at 3AM after binge drinking, then helped me quit drinking and pushed me every day to succeed at uni. He's always been there for me and we've always shared this kind of sixth sense for each other, even though I don't believe in that kind of thing. Second, I'd only just finished debating having children one day, and confirmed it's what I want. Third, when we had sex it was the most romantic and rewarding sexual experience of my life - in a room overlooking the beach at midnight as a storm rolled in off the sea. Even though I absolutely do not believe in the supernatural, it's been screwing with my head that we conceived a child that's meant to be impossible as lightning struck around us - bringing me to my last point. I was told by 3 doctors that I would never conceive children. They were pretty emphatic about that fact and told me it could never happen, and yet this baby survived contraceptives and my inhospitable body to survive.

It's dumb, and I don't believe in it, but I can't help but feel like this baby is meant to be.

Anonymous 56498

OP, the hormones are talking. You know this isn’t going to work unless you are prepared to do all the work.

Anonymous 56499

I think it sounds like you want the baby. Your friend seems special to you, would make a great father, and is your best friend. Why wouldn't you cohabitate peacefully? And why would you encourage someone to pursue him knowing you have feelings for him? It just seems like you are sabotaging what could be a good thing over minor issues.

Anonymous 56500

Just tell this friend that you want him for yourself and marry him.

Anonymous 56501

Wow! How can you even contemplate and consider murdering the child at all?!? So evil! Perhaps you also seem kind of inconvenient, to God…

Anonymous 56504

shut up i'll kill you

Anonymous 56511

Let the baby live, even if you REALLY cannot take care of it, you can give them to a home to people that will

Anonymous 56513

Moid detected.

Anonymous 56515

>I was told by 3 doctors that I would never conceive children. They were pretty emphatic about that fact and told me it could never happen, and yet this baby survived contraceptives and my inhospitable body to survive.
I'm going to focus on this part and this part alone of the post.

If you want to have children, have been told by three separate medical professionals it's impossible or near impossible, and then get pregnant, be aware this may be your only opportunity. You may never be able to again make this decision because it will never happen again. If you don't want a child at all, I would say just get rid of it, but if you at all want a child, and what you are saying about the doctors is true, you should go for having the child.

Anonymous 56516

There's also the real possibility of miscarriage

Anonymous 56519

Get a doctor's opinion before you take it as true that this is your only chance to have a kid. Committing to keeping the kid now because you thought this was your only chance when you could reasonably have a kid later would suck

Anonymous 56525

How long did you have the baby for?
Do you want to actually have children?
Is your male friend okay with it? Before 5 weeks the fetus doesn't have a brain and is not yet anywhere near conscious, so you shouldn't worry about the ethics of it.
Do you actually want a child or is it the hormones? Can you raise that child? Can you give it a loving, stable and safe home? Ask yourself these questions.
The most important part is the attitude of the father. You DEFINITELY DO NOT want to be a single mother.
I also feel like this thread is filled with moids (or 1 moid) who is trying to spam shit like this

Anonymous 56526

Not every person against abortion is a moid, it may come as a surprise to you that some woman find a practice created by a eugenicist abhorrent.

Anonymous 56529

Conservative women in the states tend to be strongly anti-abortion, stronger than most conservative men. I don't know if that fits CC's demographics though

Anonymous 56531

God isn't real you moron.

Anonymous 56540

I know, but it's hard to fight against a gut feeling.

We tried living together as friends, but we drove each other crazy and couldn't stand it for more than a week. We just have so many clashing traits that it makes sharing space incredibly stressful and chaotic.

I want him to be with someone he loves, not with me out of obligation.

I've had a couple of appointments and they confirmed it really is just a freak, one in a billion occurrence. It's likely I could try the rest of my life and never have another chance, but it's also more likely I'll miscarriage early on.

I'm currently at 6 weeks. I do want to have kids at some stage, but I'd always thought I'd have to adopt or find a surrogate. The father is a very committed person. He loves kids and talks frequently about how caring for his younger family members makes him want some of his own. I can raise a child, but it would mean throwing away my career (though I'm not terribly attached to it).

Anonymous 56542


OP this is romantic and a fantasy I'm ashamed to say I have like all the time.

One half of me wants to tell you to throw caution to the wind, abandon your previous experiences with your best friend and tell him about the baby and that you want to make things work, that this will magically bring everything together and having a child will even out both your edges until you're the perfect match for one another and whoever you tried to set him up with doesn't mind/maybe wasn't into him.

The other half is worried that, as you've remarked, you may tell him and end up miscarrying, which will probably make the relationship even more strained. Or maybe the baby is born healthy and perfect but it still just does not work out. It's impossible to really tell what could happen especially as a stranger, but my word what a scenario.

Anonymous 56543

I mean, what kind of space was it though? You sound young and there are a lot of ways to mitigate these kinds of problems with the choices you make in what space you live in and how you divide it. Is it just that one of you is a slob and one of you is a neat freak?

Anonymous 56554

But they hate each other

Anonymous 56555

It sounds like they like each other pretty well, just not as roommates

Anonymous 56556

My mother cheated on my dad because she felt trapped in a marriage she didn’t want. This could end horribly

Anonymous 56557

I'm currently at 6 weeks. I do want to have kids at some stage, but I'd always thought I'd have to adopt or find a surrogate. The father is a very committed person. He loves kids and talks frequently about how caring for his younger family members makes him want some of his own. I can raise a child, but it would mean throwing away my career (though I'm not terribly attached to it).

Anonymous 56558

Assuming he decides to marry you what do you think his expectations for you in the relationship would be? If you decide to keep the kid your lifestyle will change drastically but what exactly it would look like depends on what you two agree to and what you can afford financially. I’d say you need to talk to him before hand if you plan on keeping, if you spring this on him when the kids born he won’t appreciate it and talking things through with him would help you prepare for the kid

Anonymous 56606

Doctors tell women literally all of the time that they're so sure they won't have kids. They told my mom the same shit and she had me and got pregnant multiple other times. You do you, but you sound like a near fantasist and the consequences of your day-dreaming will be shouldered by your child.

Anonymous 56609

Ffs why are people like this.
You've got more common ground I mean you have a fucking child together. Get married ffs. Don't give me this I'm too young shit you literally said he's your best friend and you obviously are attracted to him, that's literally a textbook ideal husband Just get married.like this has to be a troll. Get married no relationship bullshit you have a kid get married ffs.

Anonymous 56664


How long have you known the father?
Can you support the baby?
Do you feel like you can put a baby before you and the father?
Do you have a good support circle?

Mom here, and pregnancy is hard and life changing. Birth is hard and life changing. Kids are hard and life changing. It can be an INCREDIBLY rewarding experience and you will experience a love stronger than anything you've ever felt before (including the love you feel for the father), but it can also mean having to go through hell to give your child a good life.

I don't want to be person 1,000,000 to give you advice you're not asking for, but please understand this baby is not just a symbol of love between you and the father, but will be depending on you for everything and will be developing in the most crucial ways in your care.

Anonymous 56677

We've known each other for about 10 years now, and we've been through a lot of rough times together, so I think I know him pretty well, and we both have some idea of what it takes to raise a child.

My finances are ok. I'm employed with the option of maternity leave and working at home, I have health insurance, I'm not in debt, but I rent and only have an emergency fund in savings right now. I've done some budgeting and with a loan from my mum, I could do it alone. He's a lot better off, however. Owns his own home, has multiple investments, high-paying work ect.

My support circle is small and not very reliable, which puts me in an awkward spot. Other than my mum, there's no one else I could really depend on. The father, on the other hand, comes from an absolutely massive family and has something like 8 or 9 people who'd support him in every way.

>understand this baby is not just a symbol of love between you and the father

That is some excellent advice and is really helping to knock down this gut feeling of romantic fantasy.

Anonymous 56679

you say he'd "put himself through the torture for the baby". how do you think this would be healthy for you and the baby? do you understand how likely it is for him to grow to resent you both, if that's the case? tbh, it really just feels like you're obsessed with this guy and are using the baby to secure yourself as a permanent fixture in his life. you sound like you honestly want the baby for him based on what you've said so far.

Anonymous 56682

I can't speak for how you and the father will fare as a couple, but from what you have said, he sounds like he will make a good dad.

What is more important than you two being a couple is that you two can co-parent well. If parents are separate from each other but are civil towards each other and are both highly involved with their children, it is much better for the child than if the parents are together but are fighting and competing over their child.

The romantic fantasy can be easy to get carried away with, but ultimately, becoming a mother or a father means putting yourself second. It doesn't mean you are insignificant and nothing you want will ever matter again, but your child only has their parents and is completely dependent on said parents. An adult needs a good support circle, but can ultimately fend for themselves mentally and physically.

I'm glad you appreciate the advice. I remember being a new mom and it can be very overwhelming. I'm by no means some seasoned super mom, but I have been through it all and can answer any questions you have.

Anonymous 56690

This is a really good point. But another concern is how safe is this pregnancy? If you're already unlikely to become pregnant and likely to have a miscarriage it could very well give you major problems. A child doesn't have to be the end of your life, socially or literally, but it very well might be. You could come out of this with chronic pain, a handicap, maybe a child with special needs or maybe you go through 8 months of pregnancy only to have a stillbirth. If you're already on the fence you better think long and hard about all the worst case scenarios and have some serious discussions with your doctor.

Anonymous 56692

good point, anon. people don't talk about the high mortality rates of pregnancy and the chronic, debilitating (physically and psychologically) conditions women develop. instead, there's some weird fixation on the extremely low risk of complication of abortion.

Anonymous 56771

I wouldn't normally advise thinking obsessively about the risk of stillbirth and miscarriage because it will drive you insane, especially when it usually can't be avoided, but in this case the OP seems to have fertility issues that could cause the pregnancy to be dangerous. I agree with you very much that she needs to have a serious talk with her doctor and her pregnancy will probably need to be treated as high risk to keep OP safe.

Anonymous 56774

17 deaths per 100,000 women is not exactly high

Anonymous 56775

That’s 0.02% btw

Anonymous 56806

OP here. You've all given me a lot to think about, and I've spent a while processing everything. I decided to simply tell the father, as it's my baby and his reaction to it should be his primary concern, not mine. Interestingly, I was expecting grim determination to accept responsibility, but instead he was completely exuberant and is suddenly uncharacteristically willing to discuss and plan around all the sensitive aspects of pregnancy and child rearing.

I've discussed the health concerns with my doctor, and while there is a greater risk of complications, it's manageable and most avenues of treatment and prevention are available to me. I've been wrestling with the decision, but I do want to have children, and this could very well be the only chance I'll ever have. I think it's worth taking the risk.

Ultimately, my shock and hormones turned me into an idiot momentarily, and convinced me it was simultaneously my responsibility to stop the father from ruining his life over me, and that this baby was somehow predestined or some kind of physical embodiment of our blossoming love. Thank you to everyone who helped squash those gut feelings and remind me that romantic notions are useless in such an important decision-making process.

In more squishy news, my mum is just about unable to contain herself while getting all my baby stuff out of storage for me. The father is already clearing out a room to make a nursery, and has started reading parenting books and taking notes from all the mothers in his family.

Anonymous 56810

holy shit
gonna live vicariously through this

Anonymous 56812

Good luck OP I think you've made the right choice here. Unexpectedly happy ending to this thread

Anonymous 56817

Hope it works out for you. I think your friend wouldn't be so interested in him anyway once she learned you guys had a sexual history, lol. Opposite-gender het besties are often a blight on relationships, so I'm glad your friend got to dodge that bullet. Two happy endings!

Anonymous 56835


Congrats OP, hope everything works out! Make sure you do your research if you ever feel symptoms of post-partum depression. Also keep an open channel of communication with your partner, don't assume you know what he's thinking. And think of a good name too! Names imbue power

Anonymous 56870

Trust your gut
The problem with us, I think, is that we tend to "think" over our feelings and guess what: we end up unhappy

Listen to your gut every once in a while. Do you really feel this child and/or this man make(s) you happy? It's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know, so if that's the case, you shouldn't let it slip because you wanna be "the super rational bitch"

Anonymous 56887

He wants Murdoch for a boy and Lilly for a girl. I have no idea what names are any good.

Anonymous 56896

Don't let the father choose the name.
Give the child a normal name.

Anonymous 56900

Don't know what the fuck >>56896 is talking about. Lilly is 100% a normal name, Murdoch sounds a bit old, but perfectly normal as well. If you don't have input don't give input, just respond if you like them or not. Do you like them or no?

Anonymous 56901

murdoch sounds like a pedophile goblin.

Anonymous 56903

That has nothing to do with this, plenty of people are unhappy whether they follow their guts or not.

Plenty of people are unhappy, period.

Anonymous 56906

sky daddy doesnt real anon

Anonymous 56907

i'm so happy for you anon

Anonymous 56910

I am just saying, that she should always decide the names of her children herself.

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