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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 57228

Have any of you ever had to end a long term (let's say minimum of 2 years) relationship that you didn't really want to end, but you felt like you had no choice?

>What made you leave?

>How did you feel afterwards?
>How did life go after becoming single again?
>Did you date again, and if so, how was it overall?

My fiance is a heavy alcoholic. We have been together for four years and I have tried time and time again to help him to quit but he just isn't trying. It's an endless cycle of him vowing to stop and then drinking the very next morning. Yesterday I woke up to him being absolutely wasted at 10 am and then he came home from a friend's house hours later even more fucked up with a mysterious gash on his forehead, wallet and glasses missing, and passed out on the porch. I love him so much but his drinking is slowly killing me and I just can't do this forever. He has done so much for me and I feel like such a bitch even considering leaving him, but I have absolutely no stability in my life and the drinking makes me feel even more like my life will never be in my control.

I've never really been in this predicament because I've only been in one other long term relationship and he was physically abusive and cheating on me, so it was a much easier choice to leave, but this time it just feels so much more complicated and hard. We were supposed to spend forever together and I'm watching him slowly but surely poison himself and destroy our chances of having any semblance of a normal life instead.

Anonymous 57233

Leave him love. He's only going to continue to self destruct. He isn't showing you the love you deserve by making you watch his self-harm.
If he doesn't respect himself, how do you expect him to truly respect you?
He'd rather lose it all, including you, than to quit.

Anonymous 57240

My advice: make it clear that even though you love him, you won't stay with a person who refuses to get treatment.
I lost the love of my life because I didn't want to treat my personality disorder. Hopefully your fiance won't make the same mistake as me.

>What made you leave?

Most times when he hit me I did some kind of emotional manipulation (unintentional but insidious) to deserve it, but on a few times it felt quite undeserved.
And he cheated on me and then lied about it, which obliterated my trust in him. A death threat, too (from when we tried to get back together but had a fight).
I was also pretty toxic and refused to get treatment which made us miserable.

>How did you feel afterwards?

Like I was making the decision to be lonely and unhappy forever.
Shitty for leaving him on the hardest times of his life. And shitty for leaving someone I loved and promised to stay with forever.

>How did life go after becoming single again?

I lost all my friends (they were his friends first). And like i'll never be happy.

>Did you date again, and if so, how was it overall?

No. I just don't ever want to be envolved romantically again.

Anonymous 57256

You blame yourself too much anon. He physically abused you and cheated on you. You're better off without him. You didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Anonymous 59391


Anonymous 59397

Yes. I loved him but we fought absolutely constantly, daily if not multiple times a day. There was a lot of hurt and resentment that built up over years and the issues never got resolved. I couldn’t learn to hold my tongue and neither could he really. Underneath it all I think we did love each other but we had some serious emotional and temper issues and it got too toxic to continue. Apparently he’s with someone new and they never fight lol, so good for him.

Anonymous 59408

Have you thought about doing an intervention? He may need a lot of help but there's treatment for addiction he could go through.
I've left a long term partner before, he was emotionally abusive and stalked me and assaulted me afterwards and I had to get a restraining order against him. When it was just the leaving him part I felt like my whole life was falling apart and that I was losing something I'd never find again (surprise, I did find love again and I'm much better off). But I felt hopeless and lost and like I had nothing to live for for a few months there. It got much better with time and I was surrounded by a wonderful group of friends and family to support me through it.

Do you have friends and family you could reach out to? It might be good to also speak with a therapist/counselor if you have the means. Ultimately you can't fix his addiction, he has to want to get better, you can try your best but if you feel it's time to let him go do what's best for you.

Even if he helped you through some shit, you can't let your whole life revolve around somebody who refuses to grow and get better. You both deserve to be the best you can be, and enabling him won't help.

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