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Anonymous 61179

I have everything I've ever wanted, I don't understand why I'm so broken. I married my high school sweetheart, he makes almost a quarter million dollars a year. We have 3 children that I homeschool. It's literally everything I ever wanted, but I'm miserable. Crushing anxiety and OCD steals every positive feeling I ever have.

>"Oh aren't you kids so sweet? What if they got cancer and died."

>"What if your husband left you because you've ruined his life by being fat and miserable and he makes you homeless?"

I have no friends or hobbies and honestly I don't even want them. My family doesn't even want to talk to me because all I do is spew negativity at them. I don't even want to get out of bed most days. Why can't I just be happy?

Anonymous 61180

>>61179
>3 children that I homeschool
i don't think you can even have any hobbies or interests with that

Anonymous 61181

>3 children that I homeschool.
Honestly if you're in a position where you're homeschooling multiple kids you've failed. That sounds like misery. That sounds like either you fucked up on choosing a good area with good schools to have children in, or you're in some kind of fundie cult that doesn't trust mainstream schooling.

I get it if you have maybe ONE kid with developmental issues who isn't ready for public school, but if you're homeschooling all three something went wrong somewhere.

Send the gremlins to a real school! If they're going to be taught by a depressed basket case it can at least be an actual teacher. It'll do them good to look at a slightly different miserable woman for part of the day. Variety is the spice of life.

Anonymous 61182

homeschool-dominat…

>>61181
>>61180

At this point they're so far ahead of public school kids it wouldn't make sense. My husband and I weren't impressed with public school and outcomes from homeschool were so much better, not any kind of cult or political extremist. We just do school in the morning, with some self guided learning activities in the afternoon (eg reading, playing tablet, watching documentaries, maybe the occasional experiment or craft, etc). Not sure why you guys are convinced it's hard. Compare 3 kids to a public school teacher trying to wrangle 40 at a time.

Anonymous 61183

>>61182
how old are you?

Anonymous 61184

>>61183
I just turned 30 a few months ago

Anonymous 61185

>>61182
The teacher goes home to a separate personal life. Do you get to end your schooling day and go somewhere without those kids?

You haven't convinced me you're not in a cult, btw. If your husband makes so much money why not a private school? Why not pay for a tutor to come in a few times a week and help you out with certain subjects? Do your kids even have friends outside the family?

Anonymous 61186

If I were you and had all that money I would unironically develop alcoholism and a coke habit for fun

Anonymous 61187

>>61185
Lol fair. The only private schools near us are Catholic or Jewish, and we're neither. We've looked at coops but they're all the stereotypical homeschool extremists we want to avoid. We're talking about starting one for normal people. Tutor is tricky, it's technically illegal in our state as home education is required to be done by the parent, otherwise it's legally a private school which requires accreditation.

Friends are tricky now with covid. They had friends from activities (gymnastics, ballet, etc) but they stopped hanging out when all of that was cancelled. They still play with the kids across the street about once a week.

And my husband takes over when he gets home. I go up to our room and close the door. I have a good cry while I scroll through TikTok for a couple of hours. He handles dinner, cleanup, bath time, and bed time so I can get a break.

Anonymous 61188

20210717_120900~2.…

>>61186
I developed a shopping addiction instead, but because of my contamination OCD I don't open the boxes and they just sit in our garage/mudroom until my husband takes it to goodwill… There's usually around 100 unopened boxes…

Anonymous 61189

>>61187
Were you depressed before covid? Would you say that having the kids in the house 24/7 to avoid a literal deadly disease might be putting extra pressure on your anxiety and OCD?

Anonymous 61190

>>61187
I’d honestly be interested in how your kids turn out. Every homeschool kid I’ve known has turned out incredibly socially mail adjusted but while I’m pretty suspicious of your info graphic I’m at least willing to believe that a big part of the issue is the religious extremism on top of being homeschooled since those types of parents tend to actively stunt their kids

Anonymous 61191

>>61187
>>61186
tinfoil: her husband has a coke (or any other stimulant but coke is the most likely one ig) addiction, otherwise i don't think a man could handle both hard work (i suppose it's a hard job or at least was a hard job in the past) AND household chores with 3 fucking children

Anonymous 61192

>>61188
wtf does your husband do for work that he's raking in 250k a year?

Anonymous 61193

>>61190
Considering the depression and anxiety she’s probably fucking up her kids anyways

Anonymous 61194

>>61192
He's a senior engineer at a large tech company.

Anonymous 61195

>>61190
This is what I'm thinking. I've known homeschooled kids who weren't religious, but those are almost always kids with autism who got coddled by overprotective parents instead of mainstreamed. Never met a homeschooled kid who can survive in the real world.

Anonymous 61196

>>61194
why 3 kids though? you guys could've had such an easy, comfortable, free life. you're so young and you're saddled with 3 kids. no offense and i can't speak for you but that shit would drive me nuts even if i was totally sane before.

>>61193
eh, i think a lot of parents have depression and anxiety.

Anonymous 61197

>>61191
i think they should probably get a housekeeper/nanny before they both lose it. it's a lot of stress to go to work, come home, do dinner, clean up, clean the kids, and put them to bed. this does not sound sustainable.

Anonymous 61198

>>61196
I've always wanted to be a mom with a big family. We wanted more kids, but I'm obviously not in a place for that now.

Mental illness was manageable until covid. Now I'm just a mess.

Anonymous 61199

Ask your kids what they think your hobby should be. If you all agree on something interesting to try it could be fun, and you can compulsively shop for the supplies/equipment for that hobby for a while. Dump it once you're bored, the kids can keep the supplies if they still want to use them.

Anonymous 61224

Have you tried going on any medication for the anxiety? I know it's not right for everyone but if you're this stressed it's something to consider.
Shit happens, I know it might not solve everything or instantly fix your OCD but seriously OP live in the fucking moment.
You're not doing your kids or your husband any favors by only worrying about the "what ifs" cherish every moment you have raising your crotch goblins because they grow up so quickly.
Its not the same but before I lost my dog (who really was like my first baby) I would spend so much of my time worrying about something tragic happening to her, like what if she hurt herself or somebody hurt her, what if she died in an accident? What can I do to protect her? By the time that I had lost her I realized I was always living in that worried place instead of being present with her in the moment like she'd want me to.

You only get one life and your kids only have one mother. You will always have those worried thoughts and try to protect them, but take a step back maybe once a day to just be present with them.
If you're overwhelmed by all of the work around the house I think the idea in >>61197 would be a good move. Any domestic labor load that could be outsourced using the substantial budget you have would probably decrease your stress levels.

The fact that you're even so worried means you're on the right track. There's no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child, and there's no life that has absolutely no hiccups. I know it's mentally hard to break out of that loop but please try your best, your family will thank you.

Anonymous 61225

well anon you shouldn't have posted this on an imageboard, people are laughing at you.

Anonymous 61227

>>61225
idk that people are laughing at her but 3 kids at barely 30 that she has to take care of makes me very much appreciate my life.

Anonymous 61231

>>61196
>why 3 kids though? you guys could've had such an easy, comfortable, free life. you're so young and you're saddled with 3 kids. no offense and i can't speak for you but that shit would drive me nuts even if i was totally sane before.

you would never understand until you actually had kids no offense.

Anonymous 61237

That's what happens when women don't have a job.

Anonymous 61238

>>61231
personally, i believe having children is unethical from about 12 different standpoints and i can confidently say having a child would be my worst nightmare, much less 3. tbqh, imo, if you want to be personally, physically, legally, financially, psychologically, and emotionally, responsible for 3 people, you haven't thought much through. which is probably why OP's anxiety is hitting her now, she's only somehow now allowing herself to become aware of the horrors that could happen to her children and cognizant of the fact that she would have no power to be able to stop these things (just one reason why it's unethical to force people into living without having any real ability to control the outcome of their lives or prevent their suffering). and just assuming that "getting it" would happen to women only after they have a child is a bit silly and is what leads to a lot of child abuse, actually.

Anonymous 61244

>>61238
>procreation is unethical?

What? Care to elaborate?

Anonymous 61246

>>61244
She's an anti-natalist, don't engage. Pretty boring ideology. Very short version is.
>you have a moral obligation to prevent suffering if possible in this world
>being born into this world guarantees suffering will occur
>the child being born (which does not exist yet) can not consent to being born, and thus you expose them to suffering involuntarily
>thus having children is an immoral action

It's a wishy-washy ideology that fails to make the last logical step of their purported premises.

Anonymous 61247

>>61179
Maybe we can pinpoint some areas of concern.

Do you consider homeschooling your children your job? If so, are you satisfied with your work?

You say your family doesn't want to hear you spew negativity, does that mean your children, your husband, or your parents and siblings? Sorry if this is a stupid question but your wording seems a bit vague.

How is your physical health? Do you any medical conditions?

I am going to assume your financial situation is stable from the sounds of it, but just to make sure, you're not in any major debt are you?

I hear no desire for friends, does that mean you don't have any?

Same for hobbies, does that mean you didn't have any ever, or are you just not interested in them now?

How is your relationship with your husband? Do you still have romantic dates at all? Is your bedroom life lively?

Are you as educated as your are intelligent? Do you have a college degree?

Anonymous 61260

>>61247
I consider being a mom and a homemaker a full time job.

I meant my mom and sister. The only adults I talk to regularly are my mom and husband. My mom just doesn't get my problems and thinks I can pray them away. My husband is tired of hearing about it and wants me to go back to therapy so he doesn't have to keep doing cleaning rituals and dealing with my meltdowns.

Physical health is terrible. I'm prediabetic and my thyroid is way out of wack. I have a really bad diet and I'm scared to weigh myself. I've noticed my husband ""forgets"" to get ice cream and candy even when I put it in all caps on the shopping list and he only cooks healthy meals, so I'm pretty sure he's trying to say something without actually saying something. He's always been way into health and fitness and I'm just not, which makes me even more self conscious.

Actually no friends. No hobbies.

No dates at all, since we don't know anyone to watch our kids. We spend time with each other every night after the kids go to bed. He usually gives me the world's worst back/foot rub while reading a book or working on his laptop while we chitchat for a couple hours. He's sweet and he tries, but he's also an emotionless robot. I know he cares about me and the kids more than anything though. I avoid sex because I'm disgusted with myself and it's harder to enjoy after having kids, so he's sorta given up on making advances, not that I'm complaining.

I have a degree in early childhood education, not sure why that matters though.

Anonymous 61261

>>61260
>wants me to go back to therapy so he doesn't have to keep doing cleaning rituals and dealing with my meltdowns
>husband ""forgets"" to get ice cream and candy even when I put it in all caps on the shopping list and he only cooks healthy meals

girl, i think that man's not-so-great behaviour affects you a lot and it's hard to say "divorce immediately" since you're now in complete financial dependence on him but this isn't exactly going to get better if you stay and do nothing

>He's sweet and he tries

does he? we haven't yet the full story but tbh your post sounds exactly like a grim boring heterosexual marriage that young women dread. no wonder you feel like this, when you put it like that.

Anonymous 61270

>>61260
Putting candy and ice cream in ALL CAPS on your shopping list while being depressed sounds like a red flag and he's probably right to bring you healthier food. I don't give a fuck about the weight and fitness aspects. You sound like you're demanding his permission to binge and that's Weird.

Anonymous 61274

>>61260
>I consider being a mom and a homemaker a full time job.
And do you consider yourself to be good at your job of being a mom and homemaker?

>I meant my mom and sister. The only adults I talk to regularly are my mom and husband. My mom just doesn't get my problems and thinks I can pray them away. My husband is tired of hearing about it and wants me to go back to therapy so he doesn't have to keep doing cleaning rituals and dealing with my meltdowns.

Okay, not that bad for family. They certainly aren't helping, but it doesn't sound like they're hurting. Are you against going back to the therapist? If so, why?

>Physical health is terrible. I'm prediabetic and my thyroid is way out of wack. I have a really bad diet and I'm scared to weigh myself. I've noticed my husband ""forgets"" to get ice cream and candy even when I put it in all caps on the shopping list and he only cooks healthy meals, so I'm pretty sure he's trying to say something without actually saying something. He's always been way into health and fitness and I'm just not, which makes me even more self conscious.

Mmmm, yes, that would also do it.

>Actually no friends. No hobbies.

So I see you're getting little stimulation to match your level as opposed to handing out stimulation to your children.

>No dates at all, since we don't know anyone to watch our kids.

Well I imagine it would, you have no friends to network with and I imagine you don't go to social gatherings much from the sounds of it. You need to know non-zero numbers of local people to get this info.

>We spend time with each other every night after the kids go to bed. He usually gives me the world's worst back/foot rub while reading a book or working on his laptop while we chitchat for a couple hours. He's sweet and he tries, but he's also an emotionless robot. I know he cares about me and the kids more than anything though.

Okay, so no romance.
>I avoid sex because I'm disgusted with myself and it's harder to enjoy after having kids, so he's sorta given up on making advances, not that I'm complaining.

>I have a degree in early childhood education, not sure why that matters though.

Well, in the ultra-extreme last resort option, it makes divorcing slightly easier as your more hireable, on the other hand, it means you're trained to a sufficient degree to pursue intellectual stimulation if you desired it.


I have good news and bad news OP. The good news is it doesn't sound like you have a mental illness. That bad news is it sounds like your life is shitty, and you're correspondingly miserable in relation to it.
>b-but I have so much money and wonderful children
Completely right, those parts of your life sound like they are going fantastic, with full and utter sincerity. Having little money can be hell. Having family that actively abuses you or hurts you is hell, the fact you have people that want to talk to you and don't go out of their way to make you miserable is a blessing in and of itself. You have crossed these two hurdles with flying colors. Education means you're not bitter about being utterly useless to the world like a few intelligent-but-not-effective people are. You haven't answered yet, but it sounds like your homeschooling is going well, so I'm going to cautiously chalk up that as a positive too. Having a job that you are good at is something that can be immensely helpful mental health wise.

Now the hard part, you've got a pretty shitty life from the other four factors that the majority of people consider to be important to having a good life. Poor physical health is a bitch, a complete and utter bitch, and it makes it harder to do anything else that actively makes for a good life. No romance is absolutely draining as well. Just being in the same house together isn't enough, that's not a marriage. Now, before you get pulled on the "divorce his ass" bandwagon, please be aware that if you have actively assessed your husband as being legitimately caring to you and your children, this would only make a bad life even worse with no discernible benefit. It is far easier to improve this with your current partner than it is someone else.

As far as friends and hobbies, it sounds like more that the other shitty parts of your life have actively dampened the energy needed to enact these positive aspects. If you are 100% sincere in stating you have never had any interest in friends or a hobby, I will believe you. But, if you are anything close to a normal human being, having friends and hobbies are also important. Hobbies should be clarified though, I don't mean hobbies like "I watch anime", more along the lines of "I quilt blankets". Something productive that you find meaningful and hey, might even make the world a better place.

Which of the four shitty parts of your life would you want to be better if you could pick? Friends, sex, health, hobbies?

Anonymous 61286

wtf it’s like some of these replies are trying to ruin op’s life

anon GO BACK TO THERAPY YOU HAVE THE RESOURCES don’t go on imageboards for advice, if this is serious.

if you found that the therapist you had wasn’t working, it would one hundred percent benefit you to find one that does/makes you feel comfortable—honestly can be one of the best decisions one makes to progress in their life.

Anonymous 61288

>>61287
This

Anonymous 61294

the rare desert se…

>>61260
Please work on your diet, sis. I know it feels impossible to eat properly when you're so despondent, but you absolutely have to try and you will gradually start to feel closer to human. This, at least, is one thing that your husband can help you with.

Anonymous 61305

>>61238
you're young (I hope)
grow up

Anonymous 61310

>>61246
But all listed above is true, eh

Anonymous 61339

>>61310
If you consider it to be true, please follow the logic to it's end.
>there is a moral obligation to prevent suffering
>committing small amounts of suffering to prevent larger amounts is morally obligated as well
>being born guarantees suffering will occur
>something being born has the propensity to give birth to something else
>that something else will experience suffering ad infinitum
>if left to it's own devices living things will create an infinite amount of suffering
>you will create a finite amount of suffering by forcibly killing all things
>a finite amount of suffering is less than an infinite amount of suffering
>you have a moral obligation to end all life whether it consents or not

Anonymous 61346

>>61310
Yeah, so you should do yourself a favor now and kill yourself.

Anonymous 61567

>>61231
I don't think the problem is having kids, but having them so young. OP probably had her first before 25. I thinks it's good not too wait too long to become a mother, for energy reasons. Babies and toddlers are draining, you don't have the same drive at 40 than at 25-30. But in your early 20's ? Come on. You need time to develop your hobbies and friendships. You can't do that when you have a small child to care for.

Please send your kids to a summercamp or something OP, you'll feel relieved. Every summer I went to those, and tbh it helped me not too become too autistic, because it pushed me to socialize, as well as doing outdoor activities.

Have you considered getting a part-time job ? A lot of mums in my workplace are very satisfied by this : it allows them to take care of their kids, while keeping some independance, and having a life outside of their family.

Please do something to socialize your kids, even if public school suck, please. It's harsh but they need it to become functionnal as adults.

Anonymous 61569

>>61310
You have no moral obligation to prevent suffering, in fact I would argue in some cases preventing suffering is itself a cruel act. People need suffering to grow.

Anonymous 61588

>>61339
Yeah and this is also true. I’m just not interested in going to jail and don’t have the resources to kill everyone.

Anonymous 61590

>>61188
Lmao what the fuck.
>>61287
Exactly, imagine thinking someone pulling in a quarter mil in the situation described not being 20lbs or a few more daily chores away from walking.
Get your shit together before your family is destroyed.

Anonymous 61599

>>61260
Sounds like your husband would probably be more than willing to help improve your marriage. Try bringing your concerns up to him, and make sure not to be accusatory. You are both contributing to the problems, there is no reason to blame anyone.

Anonymous 61600

>>61588
You're claiming you're a weakling that can't enforce any morality then? Very humble stance, I like it.

Anonymous 61601

>>61599
How are they both contributing to the problems?
OP is lazy and fat and that's it.

Anonymous 61602

>>61601
Isn't taking her on dates. Doesn't sound like he is trying too hard at romance. Maybe that is understandable considering how she is acting, but still.

Anonymous 61607

>>61187
I do not think you quite realize how much homeschooling is ruining your health. Being a mother is already too hard, i think you will feel a huge weight loaded off of you if you send them to school and you will actually have time to love your kids and husband instead of having them feel like a chore. Catholic schools are completely fine, so long as the majority of its program is on the sciences and history and in most cases they provide better schooling on these subjects than public schools. (I am not religious btw). You should study what they have to offer and consider it. As for hobbies you will already have plenty of time to learn how to cook if you decide to stay a home-mother while your kids are at school if that's what you want, learning to cook was a great hobby for me back when i had the time

Anonymous 61610

>>61602
She says she doesn't want sex, you want him to force romance and sex on her? He's actively asking her to go to therapy, which is probably more caring than most moids I've met who would just brush it off as female hysterics. He obviously doesn't want her to be miserable, but OP herself as said she's made incredibly self-conscious by how well he takes care of himself, which means just by being around her he's increasing her distress. Not to say he couldn't be doing more, but god damn.

Anonymous 61617

Get a job or just cope with pills like other housewives did

Anonymous 61622

>>61260
Do keto. Problem solved. Next.

Anonymous 61646

1624164436094.jpeg

>>61286
This right here. You should absolutely go back to therapy to get your life on track. It seems like you have lost the motivation to drag yourself out of the hole you are currently in, and I think getting another opinion on this would really help you in the long run. What is the point of money if you aren't going to use it to improve your life?
>>61260
> I'm prediabetic and my thyroid is way out of wack. I have a really bad diet and I'm scared to weigh myself.
>I avoid sex because I'm disgusted with myself and it's harder to enjoy after having kids
Is there anything that you can do right now to improve your health? I am not sure if you have access to gyms right now or would feel safe doing so, but do you live in an area where you can go for runs? Exercise gives you something to continually improve on, helps you feel more accomplished, and can bring you the confidence to revive your sex life. Making your diet healthier will also definitely help with your self image and help you think of food as a way to take care of yourself instead of a coping mechanism.

Anonymous 64500

OP your physical health is heavily responsible for you mental health. Being overweight not only makes you feel shitty physically, but its affected your love life and self image. I know being a busy mom you wont be able to cook healthy meals yourself all the time, but there are little things you can try cutting out. Not saying to do all this at once but if you start 1 or 2 it may help. You have the money to spend on expensive health foods even.

>no soda, if you drink soda switch to flavored seltzer water. If you HAVE to drink sugary drink then try mixing fruit juice with seltzer.

>no HFC or processed sugars, honey and fruits are best, cane sugar ok in moderation. Dark chocolate and raspberries is something to have instead of ice cream. Don't ever buy shit like twinkies, pure poison.
>start your day with a health supplement like athletic greens (or anything similar) to give you energy and vitamins
>take a walk every day. Doesn't even have to be long, just get outside and move around and get your heart rate up.
>don't eat anything 3 hours before you sleep
>only eat bread/pasta/rice with one meal a day

Processed foods and sugar are the worst in my opinion. You have develope an addiction to the stuff. I have a fairly sedentary lifestyle but I am able to stay thin through just not eating shit like ice cream and wonder bread every day (of course i eat ice cream and pizza sometimes). A good rule if thumb is the more doors something goes through, the worse it is for you. If you can't even pronounce 10 things on the ingredients list don't buy it. The worst thing is if you have unhealthy habits, your kids may pick these up.

Anonymous 64520

Hi OP. I can actually relate. I'm a mother with former severe OCD. Regular therapy won't cut it. PLEASE please try cognitive behavioral therapy. I went to a place that -only- did OCD(important) and they fixed me. I got bad enough to go to a mental hospital after trying to end it all. That should be your first order of business. Best of luck to you anon, i know how hard it is.



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