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I don't think I'll ever be happy Anonymous 68327

My self-loathing is getting to be unbearable. I hate myself so, so much. I feel so much shame just for existing: I'm embarrassed when I eat, I'm embarrassed when I do things I enjoy, I'm deeply embarrassed by how I walk, talk, look, everything about me I hate and am ashamed of and I wish I were exaggerating or just being dramatic. People seeing me makes me want to disappear, looking in the mirror makes me want to cover them up. How do you help yourself if you truly don't feel like you deserve it? Doing "fun" things seems like a waste of time (though nothing has truly felt fun in years), self-care is a waste of time. The only times I strive for anything better is when I have someone directly in my life, like a romantic partner, pushing me to do those things. I worry I am broken and a complete fuck up. I worry that I am a waste of time, space, and energy, and I feel so so SO bad for the people in my life that have to put up with me. I feel like I'm disabled by how much I hate myself. I've had some unpleasant experiences in my life,, sure, but nothing that I feel would warrant me feeling so extremely about myself, it feels like I'm just broken and shouldn't have been born and given the opportunity to one day pass on my shitty genes. It seems like it would be better to kill myself. I've been on medications since I was 13 and nothing has ever made me feel content, I've stopped them all now and feel the same. I feel like I really am a hopeless case and that I shouldn't be here. I am miserable and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to be happy and to feel like I deserve the love people give me. I am as useful as a corpse.

Anonymous 68329

I wasn't taught anything useful by my parents so I feel like as an adult I'm absolutely floundering, life isn't enjoyable it's just scary and stressful

Anonymous 68330

>>68327
Sounds pretty bad. From what you've described sounds like you've had a really shitty life.
>I've been on medications since I was 13 and nothing has ever made me feel content, I've stopped them all now and feel the same.
Well considering that having depression and having a shitty life are almost indistinguishable from each other, it would make sense. Drugs may help with depression, but they don't make a shitty life better. You have a rough road ahead of you if you want to make any changes to be honest.

>>68329
What skills do you feel you're lacking?

Anonymous 68331

>>68330
>From what you've described sounds like you've had a really shitty life.
I don't know. Aside from my mom being a crazy borderline that made my childhood a bit chaotic, all the shitty parts of my life seem to have been caused by my own stupidity. It really seems like rather than being a victim of shitty life circumstances I am a result of shitty genes and a bad, broken brain. It's hard for me to feel compassion for myself in this case.

>You have a rough road ahead of you if you want to make any changes to be honest.

Yeah. It makes it hard to want to try, so I feel like a huge, lazy loser. So many people have had horrible things happen to them and they manage to pick themselves up and find happiness. I feel so weak, like my mental constitution must just be lower than other peoples. Or that maybe I'm just being a baby and should be able to do this.

>What skills do you feel you're lacking?

I feel like I'm socially stunted as well as horribly unprepared for "real life." I don't know shit about building credit or why it's important, I don't know how to pay bills, I don't know what a mortgage is, I don't know about car insurance, basically all the "adult" stuff I am absolutely clueless on. If I wanted wanted try and move out into an apartment to try living on my own, I wouldn't know how to rent a place or what goes into it. My mother is not very bright and a bit mean to me for not knowing these things and being irresponsible so I can't rely on her to explain. My dad passed as soon as I was getting my adult life started. I wish I could ask for his help so badly but I missed my chance.

And I have so much regret for dumb things I did as a kid. I got into self-harm at 12 because I wasn't exactly thinking about the future or any potential consequences at the time. No one ever mentions them but I feel like having these ugly scars is going to cost me opportunities at some point or another.

Anonymous 68333

I'm currently awake at a friend's house after what was probably a perfectly normal and probably pleasant enough night of dumb friend activities. But the entire time I could only think about things like
>She must think I'm hideous
>She must think I'm horribly rude, why am I so awkward and retarded
>I'm so dumb, why did I suggest we do this? There's no way this is fun
>She's going to hate me for coming over
>She'll notice the scars and think I'm crazy and won't talk to me after this
>I must be so annoying to be around this long
>I'm so boring and stupid and embarrassing, why did I subject her to this

I just want to enjoy my time with my friends. I'm trying to be objective and rational about it and not rewrite the night based on my neurotic feelings but dear God I hate myself, how could anyone like me or my company?

Anonymous 68870

A coworker came up to me and said I should try DMT because it really helped him. I guess I'm starting to look as bad as I feel.

I think I'm going to ask him where to get some and try it. I'm desperate. If it doesn't work or makes things worse I'll need to find someone to care for my dog and then I can finally give up and kill myself

I'm exhausted, everything feels so, so heavy

Anonymous 68915

I don't have a solution sadly but I know exactly how you feel
All the usual advice of trying to find hobbies or friends didn't work for me
I hope we'll both manage to deal with this stuff

Anonymous 68935

>>68915
this is not about you retard

Anonymous 68941

>>68333
Anon, have you thought about therapy for anxiety?

Anonymous 68942

>>68935
that anon isn't as bad as someone like you. ah, yes, someone going through the same thing as OP, is a huge retard for relating at all. /s

Anonymous 68948

>>68935
I didn't mind their post, just sad that they can relate

>>68941
I've had a few admittedly inconsistent tries at therapy and it didn't help much but I'm willing to try it again, I want to be happy

Anonymous 69027

>>68327
I’m really sorry that you have to deal with that. It sounds like you’re in a tug of war with the chemicals in your brain. To feel that you have no reason to be sad and a million reasons is the worse feeling. Just know that a lot of this is just a chemical deficiency in your brain that’s causing a lot of this. It’s like a built in bully. Fighting it can be hard sometimes but imagine what you might miss out on if you die. Think about those few moments in your life where you’ve felt genuinely happy or just enjoyed yourself. That can happen again and it will. Even if your joy is just from a new episode of an anime, keep going for that.
I wish the best for you :)

Anonymous 69039

cappy.jpg

>"From what you've described sounds like you've had a really shitty life." I don't know. Aside from my mom being a crazy borderline that made my childhood a bit chaotic, all the shitty parts of my life seem to have been caused by my own stupidity. It really seems like rather than being a victim of shitty life circumstances I am a result of shitty genes and a bad, broken brain. It's hard for me to feel compassion for myself in this case.

Anon…of course this would fuck up a little kid. You didn't ask to be born and you didn't choose your mom. It was probably really hard to have a mom like that, even if she was trying her best.

Please read this page, I think it will explain a lot about how you're feeling: https://www.lifesigns.org.uk/chronic-invalidation/

Anonymous 69292

>>69027
>Think about those few moments in your life where you’ve felt genuinely happy or just enjoyed yourself.
I remember experiencing this when I was 18, I had just gotten out of the psych ward and was back on medication, I felt hopeful and things looked brighter. Literally, things had more color to them and I felt like I was really seeing them. I don't know if I can confidently say it was the meds, though. Shortly after returning back home I started to feel the same hopelessness I always do. I wonder if it really is my environment or if I'm just in denial about my shitty brain.

>I wish the best for you :)

thank you anon


>>69039
that link hit home a bit for me. thank you anon, I guess it just feels a bit lame to be my age and sound like I'm still blaming everything on my mom. but I have very poor self esteem and have never felt human or like I have a purpose, and looking back on it I think I can say it was my upbringing. I'm going to rant a bit about her, maybe it will help me rationalize things and be a bit fairer to myself.

>mom has always struggled with depressed, but according to family photos there were a few years when I was a baby/toddler and a bit older where we seemed happy, as in we went out and did things as a family

>at some point in elementary my mom gets more depressed, but during this time I am her confidant and seemingly the only reason she keeps going. I am praised by her for being smart and for always knowing what to say and how to cheer her up. she tells me things I had no business knowing and talks poorly about my dad to me. my dad was a good man, but worked hard all his life and wasn't home much.
>at this point I'm the all-good child, my sister who is autistic and not as affectionate as a result is the no-good child and insulted for it. I wasn't made aware of this until much later, though
>I get a bit older and realize that my parents fight a lot. having been told I'm so good with words that I should be a lawyer, I try my best to get between them and help them "talk it out." it never helps. i start to feel like an alien around this point, like I'm lost all the time and missing something
>I enter middle school and everything gets worse. I am struggling with adhd and horrible insecurity. I have my own problems and it seems like my mom does not like me anymore. she either sleeps all day or is manically cleaning the house. it's like walking on eggshells, you didn't know how she'd react at any given point. i am now the no-good child.
>during this entire time I now realize my sister and I were mildly neglected. we learned about periods from another family member, had to figure out food for ourselves as my mom stopped cooking unless she was having a "good" day, my sister tells me that as children we learned to wash our hands from a babysitter. I continue to try and fix my parent's marriage
>I start cutting at 12/13. a friend finds out and tells the counselor. my mom is called in and she is furious with me. I get put on meds with very infrequent therapy sessions as she either forgets about the appointments or isn't feeling well enough to take me.
>high school starts and I spiral, at some point i give up completely on being the family therapist. my mom and I fight a lot. it's all verbal but can get quite nasty. i continue to engage with her because a part of me still hopes that if I just say the right thing I can get through to her and we'll finally get along again.
>I finish high school and a few years later my parents decide to live separately. I go with my dad and things get better for a bit.
>my mom moves in with us and I'm not told why until much later: my dad is sick and needs her. things get worse between us again. I wish they told me what was going on, I like to think I wouldn't have been so combative if I knew.
>this isn't about my mom but I feel it's relevant to how I feel about myself right now. I get into a relationship with a guy that seems nice. he lovebombs me and I fall for it. I move in pretty quickly. things fall apart soon: he is a chronic liar and a cheater. I stay because I am weak to kind words and think I can make things better if I try hard enough.
>when he's not being nice, he is tearing me down slowly. my interests, my looks, how I act in public and in private, is all insulted. it's phrased as if he isn't being mean, and is just trying to help me better myself. I feel grateful to have someone push me like that.
>he helps me get my first job and be more social. I act "less autistic" because of his guidance. I feel like I owe him and that I can help him be better, like he did for me
>it doesn't get better. I'm broken down and don't feel joy out of anything. I neglect my hobbies and other relationships completely. my dad passes away and I needed someone there with me so I stay a bit longer.
>we fight more frequently and the insults get worse and I am made to feel like I deserve it.
>he says something horrible about my father and it is the breaking point: we have our last fight and I drive home, ending things
>I live at home with my family and we seem to get closer after losing my dad. my mom says she still resents me for how I acted as a teenager but thinks we can get through it together.
>things go back to relative normalcy and our relationship is very distant, I don't talk to her if i can help it. we're like strangers in the same house. she resents me for this as well.
>she will be nice for a few weeks and I'm lulled into a false sense of security. I begin to feel guilty and think that I am being a brat, that if i just try talking to her like an adult she will understand and we can at least be friends.
>she will blow up again for one reason or another and insult me horribly. I close myself off and isolate from her. then she will cry and say she just wants us to have a good relationship. she will be kind and the cycle begins again

I don't like being here but I feel helpless. there's so much I don't know. I wish my dad told me he was sick sooner. I could have helped. I wish he told me more about living as an adult while he was well. but he was tired too. I wish he were here

I just got back from a trip with my S/O and it was lovely. I wasn't judged for any of my weird quirks, I was treated kindly and with respect and was made to feel special. I felt a bit more capable than I usually do. now I'm back home and I'm waking up just as empty as I did before. I don't want to leave my bed or my room. I don't want to go into a filthy kitchen to eat. I don't want to be asked questions about my trip and be insulted for taking it. I don't want to get up for work tomorrow and come home to this miserable disgusting place day after day. I'm so tired

sorry for the gigantic blogpost

Anonymous 69293

part of me is worried that I'm subconsciously wanting my S/O to be my savior and take me away from here. and he doesn't deserve that. he is so kind and has such a good heart. he should have someone more normal than me. I worry constantly that he will get tired of me, or worse, will somehow be the same kind of person as my ex. I don't think he is and I'm told by a mutual friend that knows him well that he's a good person. but I still fear that I can't trust my judgment after how badly I fucked up picking the last guy

Anonymous 69386

I don't think I'm cut out for living but I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I feel like I'm in limbo

Anonymous 69427

>>68329

Same here Anon. My mom didn't teach me pretty much anything so I only learned things that people are usually taught by their parents in their teens, only recently as I'm approaching my mid-20s. We have to work harder than others to learn to adult, but it gets alot easier with the internet at your disposal. I only learned how to cook, do laundry, pay taxes, etc. thanks to the internet. I still feel like a useless adult sometimes, but I've realized I'm capable of alot more than I was told I was. My mom used to say I would never even be able to wipe my own ass without her, but now I've been living on my own and paying for all my own things for over a year now.

Anonymous 69429

>>69427
I really wish they taught that stuff in schools. People always argue that they don’t need to because your parents will but so many kids just aren’t taught it. Would be much more useful than integration or whatever. .

Anonymous 69431

>>69429
I wish they would bring home economics back. They got rid of it in the school system here and I think it'd be really nice to learn stuff like cooking, laundry, sewing, cleaning, etc.
We had an "adult living" class which I took but my teacher really sucked. Everything she taught was inapplicable to my life and she didn't know the answers to any questions I asked, plus she'd always take time to rant about Trump (we're not American)

Anonymous 69433

>>69431
We had that at my school but only got taught disgusting food no one wanted to eat or had to use sewing machines without being taught how to properly use them (I think I have mild dispraxia and they were super hard for me to use anyway).

Anonymous 69435

>>69431
i think home ec should be brought back, but everyone should be taught it. YMMV but my mom (a gen x-er) told me that only girls were in that class, while boys were given something else. everyone needs to know that shit

Anonymous 69446

Iktf. What’s worse is when attractive or ‘normal’ people who don’t know me irl try to gaslight me that it’s all in my head that people hate or dislike me, and that I should try being more confident or just bee myself or whatever bullshit. Or telling me to love myself more and try putting myself out there more. I already tried that and it made no difference. In fact it made people dislike and avoid me even more, because nothing irritates people more than an ugly annoying person who loves themselves or is confident. I know for a fact that people genuinely perceive me as ugly and annoying and nothing I can do can change that. And it makes me seethe even more when people tell me that it’s so easy to get a boyfriend as long as you have a vagina. Meanwhile I’ve never been hit on irl, get ghosted after sending pics, and the only time boys paid attention to me was to bully me and call me ugly.
>oh just looksmaxx
I dont have 50K to spend on surgery and when I wear makeup its like putting lipstick on a pig, in fact it actually accentuates my bad skin and assymetrical features
>oh just talk to guys one of them will say yes
I’ve literally added and talked to dozens of guys over the past year online, if they don’t ghost me after seeing my pic they basically keep me around to make fun of me or use as an emotional tampon and advice dispensary until they find a prettier girl to orbit. As for approaching guys irl, they just look at me like they’re baffled, don’t look me in the eye or stare with disgust if I even ask them what time it is.

Anonymous 69451

But you don't need to be taught to clean, do laundry, cook. Its inevitable you figure it out. Soap, sponge, water. I mean.. you see a mess you move a to a bookshelf, c to the trash, soap water apply to table with cloth

Cooking is just getting ingredients and reading the instructions on the back and googling things. When you are a kid, your parents always around to cook. Ramen noodle. Pot, water, apply heat. Home made chicken soup, chop ingredients, bouillon, water, pot, apply heat.

yeah sewing is hard but you can buy things at the store.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just genuinely curious about people who "don't know how to clean"

Its basically moving things around and moving a sponge on a surface. Its not like learning to read, or learning bus routes even. Its like learning to pick your nose. Inevitably you see thing on floor and decide to move it to where it belongs.

But then again my parents never did a ton of domestic stuff for me. My mom hardly ever cooked sometimes.. Though there were stints where she would. When we got home she would often be like "get dinner yourself"

There are so many simple recipes you can just google nowadays. You can google pretty much anything you want.

Anonymous 69456

OP here. home ec would have been nice but I was talking more about not being taught things like basic hygiene, it's embarrassing having to figure that stuff out on your own. and not being taught about taxes, credit cards, jobs, buying a house, things that matter a bit more than cooking or cleaning (though I am envious of people that learned those particular skills from their parents, it seems like it's indicative of a healthy relationship with them). I figured out how to do those easily enough, it's the actual "adult" stuff I'm clueless on.


I had another bad dream. my dreams always involve myself being shamed for one reason or another. this time it was sexual. I woke up feeling disgusted and like I want a mastectomy again. I think my last relationship damaged me more than I realized. is it stupid of me to be dating again after that?

I wish I were normal

Anonymous 69559

I am so empty

allowing myself time to think sends me spiraling with thoughts of how much I hate myself. but that's the only way to get past those thoughts, to think and feel them.

maybe I need to get back on antidepressants. maybe I'm in denial about them not helping me. my sister said I was at least a bit more functional on them. I'll try and see a therapist at least

Anonymous 69560

>How do you help yourself if you truly don't feel like you deserve it?
but how do you know that you don't deserve it
>and I feel so so SO bad for the people in my life that have to put up with me
then do some self-improvement

Anonymous 69580

>>69560
I just feel that way and always have

I work out and keep my issues to myself but I still feel like a burden. I don't know how to make it stop

Anonymous 69703

>I've been on medications since I was 13
yeah, it's over for you. the rest could be fixed or improved, but your brain has been turned into soup before it even finished developing. it's not your fault, but you are literally brain damaged.

Anonymous 69708

>>69703
that's depressing but believable. do you have a study or something to back that up? i think i'd feel better about killing myself if it were true. if it's true then it's actually hopeless

Anonymous 69709

>>69708
Don’t kys anon, brains are plastic, meaning they can change. That’s how people with brain damage learn to walk and talk again, their brains adapt. Your brain might be different now but it won’t stay that way

Anonymous 69710

>>69709
it's just so sad to think about what i could have been. maybe i'm romanticizing it and i would have turned out more or less the same, but still

Anonymous 69711

>>69710
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”
– Chinese Proverb

Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Look forward and see how you can make your life good now.

Anonymous 69712

>>69711
thank you

Anonymous 69749

>>68331
Don't beat yourself up about the self harm. It can be addictive and you were struggling with difficult feelings, and by the sounds of it, still are. I'm sorry. There's lots of people out there who understand what you went through so don't feel bad or ashamed hun.



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