Can an empty person become full of life? Anonymous 68632
Are you stuck being yourself? Do some people just not have anything deeper to them?
I’m a dull headcase. My family is full of black sheep that neglect one another. I grew up not knowing how to talk and conditioned to expect everything to always go from 0 to 100. Even when a rare person talks to me and I keep my cool, I have literally nothing to say and the fact that I can’t even talk to people, nor think of anything to say, brings me massive agony because I hate being like this—I can’t even be POLITE for fuck’s sake! I hate myself over it! When I'm able to milk thoughts out of my head they're cyanide and the pinnacle of vapidity.
I have always admired people able to banter and talk a lot…I listen to podcasts and was always drawn to extroverts…I loved Discworld books when I was growing up. I wish I had such a wonderful inner life like that. I find myself idealizing others quite a bit. It's ironic but even the girls people say are vapid are still fascinating to me tbh.
I started feeling the pain of not being like that in college after an experience where I actually said something really funny (mostly on accident) and made a big group of people laugh and then get way more interested in me. Then, I was able to exchange a few fun words and I was complimented on who I seemed to be. Yes. It was completely pathetic. But I automatically felt alive for the first time in my entire life. Wow. “I said interesting thing! There’s life inside me!” Then from there it was a downward spiral as all the dots connected. The bullying. The being called a school shooter. The constant awkwardness and lack of authenticity (I’m not even sure how I can be authentic when my every action is so – horribly - calculated). The no friends. The flush of positivity blew up in my face and exposed how deprived I am.
I’m scared that I’m "soulless". It has been months since I last smiled or laughed—even as a child I was like this, stony-faced and never even doing stuff like crying. I was more confident about myself back then. But, everything about me was based around extreme, self-eating self-consciousness. The type that makes you talk as quietly as possible so people don’t overhear you. The type where when you smiled you kept on making people cringe and say you looked like an ugly hag, so you just…stopped smiling; idk, maybe I was an edgelord.
After the incident, panic attacks and night walks to cry at the beach. And…I just got worse afterwards. I can barely talk aloud now. It's been years I've spent like this now. I feel like a husk and that I am the emptiest I've ever been. I at least was able to functionally talk back then even if I acted like a cardboard cutout.
Online stuff has been a detriment because I was able to talk to people a bit better annnnd it just taught me to hate myself more because I felt like an imposter and had a taste of what I can't even feasibly get in reality.
I've had dozens upon dozens of people on girls-only discord servers basically beg to hear me speak and while I joked around about it, I couldn't bring myself to say the truth–"I can't even talk. I would sound like a 5 year old with a mental disability."
All I know is that the few times I actually managed to talk to people and feel relaxed and like I was having fun, I felt…alive for once. I don’t even feel lonely normally but holy shit I'm so afraid of growing old and still acting like a shambling, listless zombie…I am so afraid, I hate myself so much. I plan to end it if I'm still like this by 30 (I'm almost there).
Oh, and yes, let me get this out of the way: I know it'd help a tiny bit to be more positive.
And…yes, I was still like this even when I was less "depressed." That's most of my point. People said I talked like an accountant with a speech disability in a very monotone voice at my peak while I never had anything fun or funny to say–and I even have got comments over how I type like an accountant–sweet baby jesus save my irredeemably dim self.
They say that play and socialization is important for a developing child and quite frankly I never got any of it. So sometimes I fear that I'm just stuck like this. That literally since I'm past most of the neuroplasticity I will ever experience, there's no undoing the damage.
You're in danger of making this you're whole personality. The more you think about it the worse you'll get. Stop talking about it and thinking about it and focus on what you actually want to be doing in the moment. Just find a niche you like and only focus on that. I don't see how you can't hate talking at this point, since you make it sound like such a chore. People who talk about nothing just to talk about something are just trying to fill an empty space.
When you don't know what you want to do just focus on music or art or science or coding or something you like. I've kinda felt like you at times because I don't want to talk, but I spend all my time on a hobby. Its more fun to live for things in your head and not talk at all if you find it a chore. Goals are more fun AND they give you something to relate to people with. Just have an even personality and want nothing. There are some people who are really amazing, but most talk about nothing to fill a space, and its all stuff you've heard before, about relationships or blah blah. It feels like work to me so I get away from it when I can.
Stop trying to talk to everyone and just do what you want. Have a beer and do what you want, and the rest will follow but fuck talking if you don't want to. God I wish I could have a drink but I'm on probation. So have a drink for me!
unfortunately this became my personality in my late teens, the main addition is the fear. I always felt trapped in my own head. you're right about finding something to focus on. I keep on having to remind myself that even if I'm old it isn't like I can't learn new things.
guess what I was trying to get across is that the suuuuper brief times I felt connected with others, I felt energized and alive. I wasn't aware of this until later in life.
pretty much the sole reason why I hate talking is because I can barely talk or make connections in my brain about what to say or really any ideas at all in general.
Have you ever reached out to anyone to resolve this problem or have you always just been chewing the cud of your own thoughts over and over expecting different results?
I have made a few friends online and I was very vulnerable with one about my issues. You can guess how that eventually went tho. I also saw a few therapists but ended up feeling worse (one outright let slip how ugly I am)
It made you feel worse, but did it help your behavior at all? Because that's the actual issue right? Granted, I suppose if your therapist is going to make you feel like shit it's not going to help the patient experience, but did any give you physical actionable advice?
it's been too long so I can't really remember but the months after my attempts were among the most miserable in my life. I also mainly just remember how miserable it was getting to my last therapist. I had to ride the bus for 4 hours. I don't even remember what she had said because I was so out of it and my brain fog was so bad. Think something like >>68661
was advised and I tried to follow through.
I was only able to afford it bc of university insurance.
>>68632>I actually said something really funny (mostly on accident) and made a big group of people laugh and then get way more interested in me. Then, I was able to exchange a few fun words and I was complimented on who I seemed to be. Yes. It was completely pathetic. But I automatically felt alive for the first time in my entire life
It sounds like you just have some social anxiety and are reserving yourself rather than being open with people
It sounds like you got some trauma from childhood. Neglect, poor upbringing and not being allowed to play all sound like sources of trauma to me. I'm sorry to hear your therapists haven't been good. Can't believe one called you ugly. That's terrible. It's hard to find a decent pysch these days. Honestly I feel like you're just paying a wad of cash to rant at a stranger for an hour. I've been to a number of pyschs myself, they were ok but I never felt we really plumbed the depths of my issues and why I kept ending up in the same situations. I've had to figure that out myself. Most pyschs are there to listen, put a sticky bandaid on your current mental wound and send you back out into the real world.
I think it's important to sort out your mental issues from your childhood. I'd look into trauma, the signs of it, how it effects you and what you can do about it. A lot of people will say, go see a pysch. I dunno, your experience hasn't been good and it's just disheartening to go from one to the next and feeling like you aren't getting any traction. But you can help yourself. I know it's hard, especially if you dislike yourself intensely, it can be very hard to do the self care of looking into these things. The way I did it was well, I forced myself haha, but pretended I was doing it for someone else.
Anyway these are some YouTube resources that might be useful for you; Crappy Childhood Fairy, Daniel Mackler (he's a non practicing pysch, but very unconventional and calls out the field of pyschology as messed up), and HealthyGamerGG, he's another pysch expert but provides useful in depth advice for everyday social skills and mental health problems, he also doesn't just give you the usual "get a hobby lol" advice for fixing these things. He explains why and how social anxiety happens, the mechanics of conversations, etc.
Hopefully these can help. I wish you best of luck in life and in getting better.
OP back, will respond to the others but let me say what will probably make feel bad forever:
>inability to remember specific information, even about stuff I like, let alone basic information about the world. I have a few hobbies, but…I can't even recount much about them in any organic way, which really sucks
>this is reflect by how I actually don't remember any of the first 15 years of my life aside from the bad things that happened to me
>overidealizing people that can be enthusiastic and talk on and on about what they like
>talk and write like an accountant; even been - long story - accused of having no zest about the way I write/speak by an actual popular published author (no really that happened to me after I asked for advice about how to better express myself). this has been in line with my other experiences, and, god, it really hurt because it felt like the only part of myself I could remotely show sucked eggs
I remember a few weeks ago a nurse commented about something I was wearing and, sweet baby jesus bless me, it turned out she was into the same exact nerdy thing I was, yet I only was able to have a hyper generic conversation with her, which made me feel very bad. Oh. And before you say "that's normal"…I don't think you understand that I literally just answered in…idk…1-3 words…at most. Think about that.
I get modern therapy would be like "well the way you think is irrational." But, what if the things you value in life you just don't have? What then? What if you grew up liking those things and then realizing, organically, you lack them? What if it always has made you feel awful not being able to do certain things or connect to people in the way you want to?
Idk, anons, idk.
oh, whoops, I forgot to emphasize that the big problem I have with myself is that I can't seem to make connections between things or have any creativity. and tbh I'd love to hear some stories of people in their 20s making a transformation from dead fish to…well, something more. >>69009
ok, this is good advice, thank you anon. though tbh I don't think framing it like trauma helps that much. the problem is that…I barely remember anything and there's just a wasteland where all sorts of complicated feelings and memories should be. So, I can maybe put the emphasis on it, but it'd be like digging a mine that's been declared stripped. I can, perhaps, create an opportunity to feel cathartic about something which might help but idk if it will help me personally. I will look into the social anxiety/conversation stuff tho. That's just pragmatic.