Dealing with paranoia (and other stuff) Anonymous 71422
I'm writing this on my phone, so excuse any typos, etc. I'll break this down in a couple paragraphs.
A month ago or so my mom asked me if I wanted to go on a vacation with her boyfriend and his family. I didn't want to, she made puppy eyes, said the stereotypical "it will be good for you!", and I ended up agreeing because I am a massive idiot.
A month passes, I regret ever saying yes, and just tell her I'll skip the trip this time. She's upset, we argue a bit, and she wins over me because I have no energy to even open my mouth and talk.
That's common these days; feeling heavy, slow in the head, all my thoughts slowly become muddier. I struggle to talk to people. There's nothing I want to say, there's nothing I want to do, there's nothing I can concentrate on. It's like I'm seeing the world through a layer of blurry glass; like I'm touching things with a heavy pair of leather gloves in my hands.
Having a proper conversation or reading a book seems unthinkable, it's so much effort I'd need to nap for 10 hours. Writing this, as it is, it's already very hard.
>Too many fucking people
Now, going back to the trip, what I didn't expect about this so-called vacation is being surrounded by so many strangers. Me, my mom, her boyfriend, and 10 fucking strangers in the house. I can barely tolerate being around my family without feeling paranoid, so you can imagine how I feel when I have to share a living space with people I never met before. I can't catch a fucking break and It's all taking a toll on me. I just feel… unsafe. They're all nice, sure, but I just can't stop thinking that it all must be a trap. I can't use the computer they have here, because I'm sure it's keylogged. I can't shower in peace, because I'm sure bugs will come out and cover my entire body (or, alternatively, one of them will open the door and yell at me.) I can't go out or look at any of them in the eye because I know what they think about me, how disgusted they are, how much they want me gone. It doesn't matter where I go or what time is it, there's always someone watching, listening, recording, waiting.
It's just terrifying and I want to rest so, so bad. Hell, I want to masturbate, but I can't because I know they will know. While I was writing this my phone turned off, how is that not a sign that they don't want me to publish this?
This whole me being stressed out all the time has been ruining my relationship, too. The other day I was calling on the phone with my boyfriend, I say "I wish you were here" and he replies "Why would you say that?" I was confused hearing this, and I just told him because I missed him and wanted to see him. Then, there's an awful noise on his end and the call abruptly ends. He messages me on a social media platform, saying that his phone died, but it all just seems wrong and bizarre to me. I can't help thinking something bad happened to him.
I decide to ask him about it, it went like this.
>anon's bf, why did you asked me why I said I missed you?
>what? I never said that, I told you I missed you too.
>no, I swear you said that. It really threw me off.
>no, babe, you probably hallucinated it.
WHAT. THE. FUCK?! How would HE know if I'm hallucinating? He has never implied something like this, my sanity was never in question ever before. Why now? Why like this? That's so out of character that just remembering it gives me chills. It almost makes me think he was swapped for someone else entirely.
Thanks for reading those of you who got this far. I just needed to get this out. Any advice on how to ease my nerves will be well received!
1) put your foot down and make boundaries for yourself during this trip. You can be a nice and decent person to others but make sure you are adamant about making space for yourself. Do you have a room to yourself? If you do, take advantage of that. Don't have a room to yourself? Go for a walk, find a porch to sit on by yourself, do something.
2) your boyfriend sounds like he's gaslighting you. Does he do this sort of thing often?
3) take some deep breaths and know that you'll survive and be okay
Thank you for your concern, but there's no boundaries to be set with anyone in this situation. Everyone is NICE to me, I just don't buy it, but I don't have any real "evidence" to back up my claims.
Please, don't make accusatory claims against my boyfriend. I stated in my post that's the first time he ever mentioned my hallucinations in that way. I was put off BECAUSE he never brings it up. I've hallucinated before so it is a real possibility.
Ah sorry misread the op then. I only made an accusatory claim because that IS gaslighting behavior. But if you don't believe he is doing that, and you think there's a possibility you hallucinated that, well, that's another story. Have you ever hallucinated something like this before? Like, a part of a conversation that didn't happen?
Regardless I do hope you get some solitude. I can barely handle hanging out with people for more than a few hours. you deserve it!
Yeah, I have. Sometimes I just hear mean things but no one actually said it. I have a mean brain.
Thank you again and I'm counting the seconds to be back home! Hope you get many years of rest and solitude , you deserve it.
>>71422>How would HE know if I'm hallucinating?
based on everything you've said here it seems likely that you hallucinated that.>my sanity was never in question ever before
really? maybe not openly but I mean, if this was the first time you're experiencing severe paranoid episodes you would probably be more upset about it. my first impression is that you've been suffering for a while, that thoughts like [a bunch of strangers are watching or even recording me for no particular reason] aren't all that new to you. your boyfriend must have noticed that you do this sort of thing, unless you are long distance.
>>71426>your boyfriend sounds like he's gaslighting you.
anon, it's not gaslighting when the person is actually insane. OP has detailed her paranoid fantasies for us and also refers to her state as paranoia so she's aware that something is wrong with her perception. don't be a redditor.
I have frequent (more than once week) paranoid episodes but hallucinations aren't as common. I usually don't know it's paranoia or a hallucination unless someone tells me. Although sometimes I think they this is not real to coddle me and make me feel at ease. Like, it is real but they want me to rest. Or take advantage of me. Depends on the day.
My boyfriend is aware of this but he usually never tells me "it's not real", but rather tries to help me get rid of whatever is pestering me/plays along…
I wish I could get rid of this. I can't shake off the bad feeling no matter how much they tell me I'm safe.
Sorry for the odd phrasing my head hurts. My point is that I know it's not real because people close to me tell me so, but I also doubt them sometimes, too. And that I wish I could stop thinking about this.
I'm off meds and it's hard sometimes.