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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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How to fix an anxious attachment Anonymous 71697

I am struggling with an anxious attachment style and a severe fear of abandonment/being alone.
I'm currently in a relationship and have made the relationship into my entire life, which I realize is stupid, but I mostly did it out of fear of abandonment and because of codependency issues. I have no real social life outside of my relationship. I just got a job but I still hardly know how to socialize anymore.
The main thing I'm worrying about currently is my inability to talk about things and set boundaries without being plunged into extreme fear that he will leave me. I got a little upset at him today over something (can explain if anyone wants) and he didn't seem mad, but now he hasn't responded to me in a while and I'm just terrified that I seemed controlling and convincing myself that he has been more distant lately.

tldr Has anyone dealt with an anxious attachment style and effectively dealt with it and if so how?

Anonymous 71699

You need to build a life outside of your relationship. Hobbies, routines, etc

Anonymous 71705

Please explain

Anonymous 71708

So basically a while ago I found out that he had been following multiple egirls and liking many of their posts and it hurt me a lot to find that. He unfollowed some of them but today I found more that he had not yet unfollowed. I wasn’t as upset about these because they weren’t as “explicit” I guess and it didn’t seem like he was liking their pictures as much but I was mad at first and wrote a list of the accounts I was uncomfortable with and he unfollowed them. He has been responding in the past hour or so but I still feel scared that he might be annoyed but I know it’s like a 95% chance I’m overthinking

Anonymous 71709

Can you give an example of a routine? Do you have one you follow? I had one a while ago before my relationship and it helped me do a lot better but I’m struggling to make one that is helping me significantly especially considering my “life changes”

Anonymous 71733

Bin him.

As for routines, just do things you enjoy.

Anonymous 71748

read jung

op 71856

Can someone actually explain why I need to break up without just saying I need to break up? The only things I've stated are wrong were my own problem and this one thing he did that yes, did hurt but he did what he could to fix it. I'm just curious why I should break up with him based simply on what I posted?

op 71858

someone pls.

Anonymous 71859

You don't have to breakup with him lol. Your bf sounds like a simp though. The problem is you are stressed out over this and he was being a lil piggy.

Anonymous 71861

I also have anxious attachment style. I would also be upset if my bf was following a bunch of e-girls… that’s whorish of him. Could you describe the accounts (the ones he unfollowed and the ones he didn’t) in more detail? I won’t just tell you to “leave him.” I knows there more nuance here than that.

For me.. the only way my anxious attachment went away with my current bf of 2+ years was when he broke up with me and ghosted me for 2 months. I was suicidal and it broke something in me. We eventually got back together and he’s completely changed, but I don’t feel intensely anxious anymore. I don’t know if my attachment would return if I ever started a new relationship. Probably.

Anonymous 71870

I'm not saying you should but if you do it and choose to stay single for a while, it'll force you to be on your own, overcome your fear of abandoment and develop your life without making another person your whole life.

Dating a guy who looks at e-girls is kinda lame tho.

op 71874


I honestly agree that it's lame and cringe that he was looking at those accounts. I have no way of actually knowing for sure that he has stopped either since he can still be looking at them without following them. I actually still do have quite a lot of resentment towards him over this, especially since I have pretty bad body dysmorphia (which I've dealt with for essentially my entire life). I just really don't want to have resentment or paranoia about this anymore. He claims he doesn't look at them anymore but I can't be sure so I guess I have to trust him?

Soo.. some of the accounts he said he had followed a long time before we started dating, but he said he followed like two of them while we were dating. He was following about 3-5 actually really bad ones that were like onlyfans tier. One of them has a free onlyfans…this is making me sick to type actually
The other ones I found more recently were just sus ass random girls (the list I made counted 13 of those) who actually weren't really half naked or onlyfans but who were either just random asians or posted a bunch of sanrio core shit.
I don't know, maybe this is bad :) I mean he did unfollow them all at least. What trips me up is that he still could be looking at them or have some kind of mental attachment to them.

When this problem was discovered, I asked if he had a mental attachment to them, and if the answer was yes I was gonna probably break up, and he promised the answer was no. Does anyone think that's cap

op 71875

sorry for the long ass blogpost

Anonymous 71876

Does he look at porn? I mean he almost certainly does but what are your thoughts on that? From the sounds of it thats how he was treating this, another source of porn. Unless he has been actively simping for some of these women? You're stressed about this because it makes him seem shallow and maybe a bit dislowal, but he probably thinks nothing of it.

op 71877

So yeah it's basically inevitable that he looks at porn as most men do. I know there's really no way around that and for me to try to tell him he can't look at porn would be kinda controlling in my opinion. But I just felt like this was different because it's almost like actually interacting with these girls by following and liking their posts. It just felt more personal to me than simple porn and that's where all my paranoia of him possibly having a mental attachment (aka simping) came from.
I hope you're right that he thinks nothing of it.

op 71879

So besides dating a woman, is there any way to avoid that happening in a relationship?

op 71880

Not to seem like I'm raging, but I don't think he's settling, since he has other female friends he could have dated

op 71882

Do you think there is anything he could do to prove that he respects me? Like what would someone have to do in a relationship to prove they love the other person, in your opinion?

Anonymous 71884


People saying you should break up with him are just focusing on the one thing you mentioned that he did wrong. You don't necessarily have to break up with him, in fact, I don't think that will solve any of your attachment problems. You don't have an anxious attachment when you are single, so the only way to address and ultimately fix it is while you are in a relationship.

Therapy is a good place to start. I would prioritize individual therapy but couples therapy also helped me a bit after I did some work on my own. I have anxious-avoidant attachment style. It's similar to anxious attachment, with the added struggle of ALSO having avoidant tendencies. It's extremely difficult to deal with because while one side of my brain is telling me to cling on to my husband with every fiber of my being, the other is shutting down and telling me to fuck him off without a word about it. It's apparently the most rare style and the most difficult to deal with. All of this to say, that I am currently in a happy and healthy marriage with my husband, so if I can do it, you can too.

If you have the means, definitely go to therapy. Tell your bf about your attachment style and ways he can help, and try to invest time into your relationships outside of the one you have with him. Sometimes, just simply being aware of the issue is 50% of the work. You're doing great and you'll get there anon, just don't give up.

Anonymous 71885

That being said, he definitely does need to stop with the egirls. If he refuses, then others are right that he lacks respect for you. But that is unrelated to the issues you yourself are facing, hence the post above.

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