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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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can men and women be just friends? Anonymous 75808

i've been in a happy irl committed relationship with my bf for 3 years now.

i recently met another guy online from a community we're both in and we've been talking a lot. we have good chemistry and share genuine interest in each other. we exchange music, talk, and play games in groups together and it's really cozy. but i've been spending more time with him than with my bf and i feel really guilty. it's because my boyfriend is really busy with school and me and this guy are both neets. he doesn't even know i have a boyfriend yet and i'm worried about him developing a crush on me or already having one. sometimes i catch myself having weak feelings for him but i know i'll be perfectly content staying online friends.

do any of you guys have similar experiences with keeping men as friends? do you think its possible to develop a close friendship with a man without it becoming romantic?

Anonymous 75809


maybe step back and understand this:
people are basic bitches. prepare as such. stop acting like things are inevitable traps.

you can choose to spend less time with him and, instead, go find other people to talk to as well. you're setting yourself up to fail in that you can easily just step back from this guy.

also, you shot yourself in the foot by not saying outright you have a bf. I'm not at all surprised you're guilty because you're being so shady and acting as if you're trying to keep your options open. you could have easily dropped casually "my bf is calling me now! talk to you later, dude!" or something. it's much kinder than acting like you've no worldly ties.

Anonymous 75813

>you can easily just step back from this guy
that's true, its just sort of rare for me to meet people who i dont get drained talking to so i feel like he's special. i think i am kinda bad at understanding/setting boundaries too
>you shot yourself in the foot by not saying outright you have a bf
true. in the community we share, i don't really talk about my bf at all cuz i generally like to keep my personal irl life separate. so it seems kinda awkward and sudden to bring it up now like that but i should probably make it known soon somehow

Anonymous 75816

I can relate with how you want to compartmentalize parts of your life–there's a point where you should at least let some parts exist between them, though. long ago I rationalized stuff that happened in each bubble of my life differently. at the moment it felt comfortable to me but it ended up just digging me deeper into the hole annnnd it blew up in my face in an atomically horrible way.

idk where you're at personally, but dropping tiny innocent or silly details from your life, including the bf thing (which like I said is just the proper thing to do and I think you'd feel better about it after). it'll help ground things a little bit more in a very safe way.

Anonymous 75817

>falling for the hivemind
Most of us are either in long term relationships or have good male friends, or both. It's just nice to vent.

Anonymous 75821

It's impossible, at some point that autistic moid might want to make the moves on you so don't interact daily with a moid, they will start thinking of that as a developing loving relationship.

Don't believe me? As soon as you tell him you have a bf the moid will interact FAR LESS with you than he does right now. Way, way far less.

t. I'm 25+ years old I have life experience

Anonymous 75831

I think you should try to be completely honest with him as soon as possible. Not silly hints that could be misinterpreted. This is a moid we're talking about and a neet, they are NOT good with hints. Tell him the whole truth, that you really appreciate talking with him but you failed to mention that you have a long-term boyfriend, probably in fear of damaging your friendship, and you hope that this relationship will carry on with no misunderstandings.
Yes, at worse he will be offended or reduce his interactions with you, but that would mean he was not really interested with friendship anyway, and you would have had to address the issue sooner or later, in less pleasant circumstances. In the unlikely case where he really is open to men/women friendship, then you will be lifted from the weight of romantic tension you are feeling right now.

As a side note, does your bf know about your e-friend? Not that you should tell him about this too, but bfs have a tendency to get touchy about their gf spending time with other moids. I seriously hope your bf is not like that, but the statistics work against you, and this will probably have to be addressed at some point too.

Anonymous 75841

I used to live in the 3rd world and one time I made an online male friend and after a couple weeks of knowing him he offered to buy me a plane ticket to the US and make me his gf. He got mad when I rejected him lol.

Anonymous 75846

You were right to reject him. Men like this are so presumptuous and they never want to actually help people in need, they just want to put a woman into a vulnerable position so they can control her.

Anonymous 75849

Yeah, as long as they don't find you attractive.
This can work if you're ugly (according to men) or average/cute (according to men) but of an acquired taste (really masculine, one of those wacky ladies who wears literal clown makeup, etc.).
Being the opposite of their type helps, such as soft and girly if they like edgy women. But not a guarantee.
t. Have had male friends who absolutely are not into me or who have rejected me

Anonymous 75857

Men don't really have a type I dont think. They have fetishes, but not types.

Anonymous 75858

thanks for sharing. i dont really think i realized how social compartmentalizing could hurt me in the long run before ur reply but ive been thinking about it a lot. ur right

i followed ur advice and just blatantly told him today. he just said that he understood and that the last thing he wanted to do was make me uncomfortable. we've been talking as normal for the rest of this day. pog
>does your bf know about your e-friend?
he knows that i hang out with ppl from that community who are male, but not that individual cuz this is a recent development. but hes pretty open about when he gets jealous. i know i should be careful about it and tell him too somehow

we'll see

Anonymous 75864

Depends on where type ends and fetish begins.
But imo they definitely do, they're human just like us lmao. Their range may be wider but they have preferences.
One of my aforementioned friends who rejected me did so because he liked women who present and act a certain way which was the opposite of me. But this type would be more compatible with him in a partnership sense for sure, so I see it as beyond fetishization.

Anonymous 75878


I'm very happy to hear thinks worked out for you nona, and I hope things will continue that way!
Never forget that honesty is the key in any healthy relationship. And that goes to you too, miner that is reading this thread!

Anonymous 75965

It's definetly doable. I have almost only moid friends and coworkers, so it was something I had to navigate and learned communication between my moid frends and bf is key. Good moid frens will respect your relationship from my experience

As a straight nona I've also had crushes on friends sometimes. Just remember, it's a feeling, and feelings pass. It's not worth ruining a perfectly good relationship for that, so I'm glad to read OP understands that too

Anonymous 75969


>we've been talking a lot
>i've been spending more time with him than with my bf
>he doesn't even know i have a boyfriend yet
Who are you trying to fool?
You're cheating and you know it.

Anonymous 75992

>can men and women be just friends?
no, never works

Anonymous 75993

This, OP is completely delusional.
If your intents weren't nefarious you wouldn't have had needed to hide the fact that you have a bf so he at least knows that your intentions are purely platonic.
>he doesn't even know i have a boyfriend yet and i'm worried about him developing a crush on me or already having one
And yet you didn't tell him that you wish to keep this platonic or that you already have a bf.
I feel like you might be intentionally doing it and hoping you can get him to grow feels for you for an easy ego stroke.

Anonymous 76003

I only bring up my bf if the context allows it so I feel a bit uncomfortable when I start talking to other men and dont mention him. I cant just say i have a bf out of the blue. But im also uncomfortable because I dont know yet why they are really talking to me. I find that I have many tranquil, non romantically oriented relationships with men but it took time to develop these. I also friendzoned some. I usually always stop talking to them when they admit they want something more so I dont "lead them on" and get into complicated things. But there was one exception. One man who I care for a lot and I dont want to lose him and I know he cant either. I cant return his romantic feelings but he was mature enough to accept it and not blame me for it. Our relationship is actually quite deep because Ive been there for him a lot, and hes very thankful about it. I dont really ask for his help ever but I know hed be there for me too. Its one of the best Friendship I ever had and the only one of this kind.
So yes you can. Even with men who love you in a different way. It depends on who they are - and on how they truly care about you.

Anonymous 76005

I don't know why you two are trying to dig for drama. OP already told him.

Anonymous 76022

Why is it important - telling everyone around: “Listen people! I have a boyfriend!”
If it is relevant like “oh I’m going to such and such - with whom? - with my bf”
Why the fuck I’d have a need to inform any male I talk with if I have or have not bf/husband/so/watevs

Anonymous 76023

Well, if male a degenerate incel - not working, true
If somewhat decent (which is rare, but happens sometimes) - absolutely ok, why not
Maybe they won’t be bff, like both women or both men could be, but still
Or maybe they will, idk, but me personally never met with such cases

Anonymous 76031

Men are only into you for relationships unless, he's a whole different High Value Male

Anonymous 76040

I don't tell them because they start treating you worse when they find out. Fuck them.

Anonymous 76041

Because that's common sense and the most polite way of setting up boundaries with people and basically saying that a relationship is off the table. Other option would be to straight up tell people that you're not after a relationship but that might will come off as rude
because it would imply that they have feelings for you.

How would YOU feel if your boyfriend was spending an extended amount of time with another girl, more than he spends with you even, without telling her that he's in a relationship or establishing any kind of boundaries. How do you think you'll feel about that especially if you are the one to find out.

Anonymous 76050

Really? This just makes you sound kind of parasitic. If a guy treats you worse after finding out you have a bf, then he was never a good friend. It's like some of you want to live in fantasy.

Anonymous 76051

That’s like %99.99 percent of all men

Anonymous 76053

All men are like that. I don't even mean friends, I mean doctors, teachers, random employees. All will give you better treatment if they think you're single (actually not better, but what should be normal).
The second they find out, they start being rude and mean. I don't want them to be extra nice to me, I just want them not to be assholes.

Anonymous 76069

Sorry but this is not true. I have never seen my bf or his male friends be an asshole to male strangers/other guys for no reason.

Anonymous 76072

Then why do you want to be friends with them?

Anonymous 76074

Because they're male, yes.

Anonymous 76076

I think that’s two different things: not mention it when it’s irrelevant and deliberately hiding it - not saying clearly if there is or there’s not
Yeah, that’s bullshit
But if you are talking with a male about something not even close, like about a hobby or a profession we share
That’s not his fucking business, I don’t care what his delusions might be, not my problem

Anonymous 76077

I agree. Moids complain that you didn't tell them earlier, and then also complain when you bring it up when it's completely irrelevant.

Anonymous 76079

Also, this is the "nice" thing to do for all parties involved, whether or not people like it. If someone is spending more time with a guy than their own bf that starts getting weird. Someone doesn't need to do it, but for a context like OP and how she felt, it was the right call.

Anonymous 76084

That's why you be upfront about that type of stuff.

Anonymous 76317

listing status somewhere obvious, but not in an obnoxious looking way is the easiest way to nip it in the bud.

Anonymous 76318

He definitely already has a crush on you op.

Anonymous 76408

>sometimes i catch myself having weak feelings for him
if you were single would you date this guy? if the answer is yes then you definitely cannot be """friends""" with him and you know it. it's that simple.

>he doesn't even know i have a boyfriend yet

LOL more like he probably already tells people he IS your boyfriend. you really fucked up. at least this is only online so endings things will require no social skills and involve no risk.

>do you think its possible to develop a close friendship with a man without it becoming romantic?

don't worry about this abstract, generalized problem. worry about the real situation you've gotten yourself into. yes, the guy has a crush on you, else he wouldn't bother writing to you. yes, your boyfriend would mind if he knew about this so you SHOULD feel guilty. you already know what you need to do, you're just trying to worm your way out of it.

as if most online simps would be deterred by that. they're used to waiting their turn, usually forever.

Anonymous 76409

>as if most online simps would be deterred by that. they're used to waiting their turn, usually forever.
Who said it had to be truth? If it's just to keep people quiet with flirting it'll do.

Anonymous 76509

just lie and say you're lesbian
I assume it would make him feel less shit, if he knew no man could have you

Anonymous 76913

>do you think its possible to develop a close friendship with a man without it becoming romantic?
the mistake you make is asking us instead of your bf. you and your bf should be on the same page about this topic. who are we do decide what's best for your relationship?

also, ask yourself if you would mind if your boyfriend interacted with another girl online the same way that you did with that guy?

for example: my bf and i did talk about this a while ago and we agreed that being friends with the opposite sex isn't healthy due to our own experiences. he often experienced the girls he befriended to develop a crush on him. and whenever i befriended guys, they would often mistake me being kind and interested in them for crushing on them. the decision to not be friends with the opposite sex works for us and our relationship

i hope you can figure it out

Anonymous 76916

i used to believe that men and women could be friends, but after actually having male friends i realize that some things just aren't possible, it seems that every time i get a male friend they either end up hitting on me, or we start dating.

Anonymous 77038

sauron eye.png

I see you.
I can see that you are lonely at home while your boyfriend is away. He's more active than you are, which is partly why you're going out with him. A voice in your head tells you that you are not good enough for him, after all, you are a neet.
Then you meet this other neet, you spend time with him and the temptation to feel his love and attention becomes strong. So you didn't tell him you had a bf.
>We've been talking a lot
>I've been spending more time with him than with my bf
>He doesn't even know I have a boyfriend yet
The seduction period is over with your current bf. You feel in your heart the desire to feel the excitement of seduction again. Why do you want to do this? Because you lack self-confidence, because you think that maybe you are not good enough for your boyfriend after all. That "you are not compatible".
The truth is that you are just addicted to the thrill of seduction.
Because otherwise you have no feedback on your own worth.

Anonymous 77068

My best friend for many years was a guy. He was very sweet and we had so much in common. He understood me like no one else. The last couple years, I started developing strong romantic feelings for him. But I knew he definitely didn't see me that way so I never acted on them or told him. He had a couple gfs in the past and it never bothered me, but last year he got with this girl he was really obsessed over and she had HPD and lied about a bunch of stuff and kinda treated him like garbage and I grew to hate her so much it became unbearable. Me and my friend had a fight about it and he defended her over me. I was really hurt and ghosted him after it. He didn't make the effort to talk to me again, and so our friendship is now fully over. He's still with the girl and they're engaged now. I couldn't take feeling so angry at her and cucked too. Knowing he sided with such a terrible person made me wonder if he was a good person or even sane. I miss him a lot, but not as much as I thought I would. I don't see either of us apologizing and so it's gone nowhere. It's sad things end up like this.

Anonymous 77074

how did you definitely know he wouldn't have been receptive to a relationship with you?

Anonymous 77087

"friendships" with moids end in the following ways:
you become unattractive to him, he starts devaluing you
you stay attractive to him, he starts trying to date you

Anonymous 77088

he wasn't or he would have showed interest. anon would just have been used for sex and then dumped for the hotter HPD lady anyway

Anonymous 77090

Simple answer: no.

Anonymous 77115

No women and men cannot be friends in a one on one setting.

Anonymous 77133

do you guys exclusively make friends with guys who aren't good with girls/capable of dating other women? i have guy friends who want to date but know we aren't compatible and it's not a big deal to them because they aren't socially inept guys incapable of finding someone else. normal irl guys who are good with women can be friends with you without it getting weird imo

Anonymous 77170

the answer is yes, my best friend is a man

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