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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Fiancée question Anonymous 76800

Okay so this is my first post on CC after years of lurking. I'm not sure if this is the right bored to make this post in so if it's not pls feel free to delete it.

So my fiancée (the wedding is next year) and I have been together for 3 years and we have had sex on and off for most of our relationship. I grew up in a very Catholic family and I to am Catholic and believe that Sex before marriage is wrong. It's hard to explain how I feel about sex exactly because i really like it but feel very guilty afterwards. Ive had numerous conversations with him about in which after we go to confession we stop for a while (usally like 2 weeks) before he starts getting resentful after I shut down his attempts to get frisky. He is Catholic too but really he doesn't care about sex before marrige being wrong. This is causing a massive strain on the relationship and I always try to make it up for him in other ways like cooking nice meals and giving him extra attention but This only works temporarily, he used to get angry about it but now he just gets quite whenever I shut him down. I feel really bad because I know how much it means to him but I just dont feel its right. He supports me in every way and I think he feels entitled to it. How do I keep celibate without my fiancée being resentful towards me for it? Image unrelated

Anonymous 76805

>he starts getting resentful
>massive strain on the relationship
>he used to get angry about it
>he feels entitled to it

absolutely do not marry him anon

i assume you want kids. after you have a baby it takes a month or two before you can have sex again. do you really want him pestering you for sex then? or when you are exhausted from doing night feeds? or doing all the housework?

what happens when you go through the menopause and lose your libido or sex becomes painful?

plus the sex you are having is not completely consensual if you feel that he is going to get angry, quiet or resentful if you don't do it

if he's not trying to be a 100% perfect bf before you marry him, forget about him doing it once you are married. there will be zero motivation for him to do it once you are trapped (i'm assuming you are probably not big on divorce either)

Anonymous 76806

plus it doesn't matter if he doesn't care about celibacy before marriage. you do and so because of that connection it should matter to him too. he doesn't respect you or your beliefs and opinions

Anonymous 76808

Well the thing is it is consensual because we only have sex when I want to. Which is really what I think makes him upset, he always wants to have sex and I don't, I have to be really in the mood to forgo my morals which isn't right I know but hes picked up on this and I think to him it seems really one sided. I must have given the wrong impression because I'm dead set on marrying him his really great and we never argue, he's never yelled at me, always compliments me, supprts me ect ect. I do enjoy sex with him its just I feel guilty for religious reasons afterwards and despite this we still have sex when I'm really in the mood (I still feel bad afterwards it just overrides my aversion to it.)

Anonymous 76810

stop with the cope anon

Anonymous 76812

far be it for me to act like i can see into this guys heart, but from what i can gather from your post, he doesn't seem to take his religion as seriously as you do. the fact that he holds it against you when you don't do something you consider to be wrong, and something which he ought to consider to be wrong too if he was sincere about his beliefs, is a major red flag. the fact that you've had to sit him down and talk about with him and multiple occasions, and he still hasn't really changed his behavior is another massive red flag, since it shows that he doesn't really respect your boundaries. you say that he's very nice and sweet most of the time, but is this only when you've had sex recently, or is it a constant attitude that he has towards you? if it's the former, you should consider the possibility that he might only be interested in sex rather than in you, and that it'd be better if you just break things off now. if it's the latter, you need to firmly assert your boundaries and force him to respect them. if he tries to cross them again, then he's probably never going to respect those boundaries, or any other ones, and you should definitely break-up with him.

Anonymous 76822

You shouldn't be asking total strangers for relationship advice.

Anonymous 76837


If you truly, in your heart of hearts, believe without a doubt that having premarital sex is wrong, then he needs to respect that, and more importantly you need to shut it down. I happen to know it’s especially difficult to walk back once you’ve already gotten to a certain point physically, but sex is a big deal because it can get you pregnant before the wedding. Maybe you’d be comfortable with non-PIV activities to tide you over?

However, I suspect part of you does not actually believe that sex has been wrong so far. After all, you’re already committed to each other informally, so that makes sex feel more natural. If that’s the case, maybe it’s time to do a deep self-reflection on when your conscience really feels that sex is wrong and when it is ok. For me, also coming from a Catholic background, I always felt that sex is wrong if you’re not willing to have kids with the guy, but I even felt guilty for kissing and other sexy stuff because I was told it’s wrong even though nothing bad happened when I did it. Eventually I stopped stressing about the legality of my actions when my then-fiancé and I got touchy because I knew our end game and I knew I wouldn’t regret being intimate because we were getting married anyway. If it were a casual bf though I would probably listen to my guilt, since I wouldnt want to be an emotional wreck for getting too intimate too fast.

I guess if your conscience disagrees with the church and you want to stick with your conscience, do a REAL examination of conscience where instead of testing it against the written rules, see if you’re willing to bear the consequences of your actions, whether physical or emotional.

Anonymous 76842

First you need to realize that your opinions on sex are the result of religious manipulation and brainwashing. You should not feel guilty for having sex. It is just the way we reproduce, and we do it for fun too since it's nice. It's an absolutely normal thing to do and when between two consenting adults it should not be shamed or demonized.
Secondly, your bf seems to feel too entitled to it. He should be able to respect you not wanting to have sex. He definitely should not be throwing a tantrum. What happens when you get married and then one day you're not in the mood? Is he going to yell at you because now you're married and you shouldn't have an excuse?
If he was brought up catholic too, religious men often think they're entitled to sex with their wives at all times.

I think you should really discuss your expectations regarding sex before getting married. I used to be in a similar situation with my bf, where he would get upset if I rejected his advances too much. Unfortunately you need to teach these men about consent, and that coercing you into it is not ok.

Anonymous 76844

So this is what you get for following the "tradcath" path ? Damn, I'm glad to be a meme gnostic

Anonymous 76845

Best advice ITT

Anonymous 76847


Anonymous 76849

So the thing is that I ~usally~ feel sex before marrige to be immoral. Sometimes I slip up and let the hormones get the better of me after which I end up feeling quite guilty. It's really a rock and a hard place because I love him and I really like getting physical but deep down I know its an offense towards God.

Anonymous 76850

It makes its especially difficult since we have had sex numerous time before, and I think his problem is to him it feels like whenever I want sex I get it but whenever he wants sex he doesn't unless it lines up with what I want. What he doesn't see is that whenever we have sex thought I enjoy it, I?regret? It?

Anonymous 76851

That's the big problem, he used to get upset and we'd talk it out to where I would strong arm him with the "we both believe in this ect, I just feel it's wrong" the problem is that doesn't hold up to well when a week later in a fit of honry rage you end up doing it and then when he tries again a few days later you gotta tell him "no". I mean sex is to be expected from your husband or wife… not sure why that's a question. Obviously if someone isn't in the mood, tired or ill for a night or a week or something thats different but if a spouse withholds sex purposefully out of spite I think thats not right.

Anonymous 76853

Babes nobody should expect sex from anybody. Marriage is not an achievement to unlock for unlimited sex.
What if you become ill for longer than a week? What if you get stressed or depressed for a long time and don't feel like it? What about when you get pregnant and give birth? Is your husband going to force you to have sex then, because it's expected?

>his problem is to him it feels like whenever I want sex I get it but whenever he wants sex he doesn't unless it lines up with what I want

Yes, when you both consent it happens, and when one person doesn't consent it does not. That's how it works. If he consents all the time that's fine, but it does not mean you should too.

If he has that much of a problem now, it will get worse if you don't talk about this. With time the frequency of sex will change and if you dare rejected him several times in a row he will get angry and try to coerce you. You will either give in or not, but you won't forget the coercion. This will happen again and again until you are no longer attracted to a man who cannot respect your most basic wishes and has to manipulate you into sex.

No should mean no. It does not matter what the reason is. If he cannot accept your reason now, why would he accept your other reasons once you're married?

Anonymous 76857

alright, i think i understand your situation a bit better now. i understand why you would feel guilty about having sex with someone, and then turning around and telling them that's it's wrong when they try to initiate. i agree with the other anons in that you need to firmly set your boundaries regardless as he might still try to pressure you into to these sort of things even into your marriage. However, i think that this might be more difficult if you continue to do something that you clearly consider to be wrong, as the guilt you feel about it will make it more difficult to resist if he insists on it, which in turn will make you feel more guilty, and more susceptible to coercion. i won't try to convince you to change your principles or beliefs, so instead, i'd advise you to find ways to obtain better self-discipline and thereby more firmly assert your boundaries with your fiancé.

Anonymous 76859

I'm sorry OP I really feel for your predicament but I think this is a you problem. It's going to be really difficult to get your husband on board with you if you can't keep your own ethical principles straight. He probably thinks you just play the religion card at this point whenever you're not horny…and I'm inclined to agree with him. I agree with above nona that this is a self-discipline issue, and neither will I tell you to reject your Oppressive Religion™ but seriously don't pretend to be a Catholic if you're not willing to put some effort into the struggle.

Here's a practical plan: tell fiancé again that you're struggling but after some self-reflection you want to stick to your principles because the guilt is hurting you. Tell him that abstaining will be hard for you because every time you guys give in to sex it's because you're genuinely horny for him, and that will be a benefit to your marriage in a year. Get an accountability friend and establish a penalty if you give in to sex (I'm sure you have no shortage of chastity resources). If he sees your effort he will take you more seriously.

Anonymous 76869

Your husband probably cares one tenth as much for you as you do for him. This isn't an exaggeration, just the way normative sex roles (as you have internalized through church) are meant to work. He sees you as a slave and not much more, and the whole one sided guilt complex over virginity that you learned in church has you playing right into that role. I don't really know what else to say to a religious woman.

Anonymous 76873

you should listen to >>76859 OP, she's giving you some great advice. being honest with him about how you're struggling with this and the guilt you get from it, while also taking concrete steps towards consistent abstinence will make him much more cooperative and help him understand your view on all of this.

Anonymous 76874

What a miserable take your life must suck. I love him and be loves me like no other. We get along like a fantasy couple and are really close and happy this is literally the one issue we have. You should reevaluate the way you look at things.

Anonymous 76875

Yea thats probably true, from what we've talked about his problem is that it's one sided (basically we have sex when I want to and that's kinda it) and that it makes him feel rejected when he's always open to me.

Anonymous 76892

>We get along like a fantasy couple
You mean he bottles his frustrations with you because you're still young and beautiful and he wants to sleep with you. Give it a few more years and you'll see it's not the fantasy relationship you think it is.

Anonymous 76931

Lol yeah that used to be us. We don't fight at all, get along great, I can tell he really loves me. Everything was great for 2.5 years until the sex problems. I got an UTI that won't go away, and it made sex impossible and killed my sex drive. It crippled me and I've been in pain nearly every day. But my bf still felt entitled to sex, and urged me to find a way to satisfy him. After many fights, and having to explain to him many times that coercing me into it was not ok, he finally seems to have understood and is no longer insistent.
The same thing will happen with your husband if you don't talk about this. If you can't have sex, you will fight. Unfortunately for you and me, nobody thought these men about consent so they think they're still entitled to it just for being in a relationship. They are not bad men, but their way of thinking is wrong.

Anonymous 76932

Brutal pinkpill

You've given him what he wants already which is sex. As a 'trad' man he only values you in terms of purity, pleasuring him and babymaking, so apart from the last one you have no bargaining chips left. Even if he leaves he'll still have gotten what he wanted which was sex without marriage.

Anonymous 76940

Well said. Listen OP, the correct thing to do was to pick a choice early on. Either 100% no sex whatsoever before marriage, or not caring about the religious principles and having occasional sex. You're trying to take a middle ground that your fiancee almost certainly doesn't understand. You are foregoing your religion whenever you personally feel like it. Either you take a stand that premarital sex is wrong, or you don't.
The most important thing you need to do right now is talk about it. Explain your reasoning to him. Explain why you think this is important. If he is in love with you, he will understand and respect your decision. Not having sex for a year until the wedding isn't really a tall order.
Remember that is is the person you want to marry. You have to talk this out together.

Anonymous 76951

Even if you had a UTI and couldn't do vaginal sex, most moids really like blowjobs and other forms of fooling around. Im not saying you SHOULD be having sex, because your partner sounds like kind of a dick. I'm just saying it kinda sounds like you're using the UTI as an excuse to avoid intimacy with him, as there's other ways of pleasuring your partner and meeting their sexual needs. Are you sure you actually want to be sexually intimate with him at all? A lot of women lose sex drive a couple years into a relationship (which is normal especially if your partner isn't a Greek god or some shit) meanwhile men's tends to stay stable. Unfortunately this is often a point of contention between couples, as juggling meeting your partner's needs with your own right to space and sexual autonomy can be really difficult. My sex drive is pretty low so its made relationships difficult for me as I feel irritated, almost feel raped or pressured when my partner nudges me to please him. It's why I'm volcel pretty much. Most men just can't understand love without lots of fucking.

Anonymous 76962

Nah I don't think you realize how bad this hurts. I've done blowjobs and all that, and it's fine when you're in the mood, but when your urethra is on fire 24/7 and even walking hurts, you don't feel like having sex at all. And yeah there was a lot of pressuring too which definitely kills any desire you might have had.
The pain was similar to how your cramps make you feel. Moving hurts, being touched anywhere near your uterus hurts, you don't want to move, etc. Imagine trying to give a blowjob while feeling like that.

Anonymous 76964

Anon, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation because it sounds incredibly tough. I don't think anyone here can give you a true answer, but I would like to discuss and reflect on several things you've brought up.

>I grew up in a very Catholic family and I to am Catholic and believe that Sex before marriage is wrong. It's hard to explain how I feel about sex exactly because i really like it but feel very guilty afterwards.

This is incredibly common. Your entire life you have been told that God is watching and judging you constantly. So when you break one of the rules he has laid out, you feel very guilty and full of shame, because you have been told you have done something wrong and that your eternal soul is in danger from it. But during the act, because you are human, you enjoy sex and crave it again later. So first you have to ask yourself, even if I completely gave up feeling bad and saying sorry, would God still love me? And the answer is a definite yes. According to the Bible, God's forgiveness is unlimited. So by the very rules you are feeling bad about, you know that your eternal soul is not damned and that all will be forgiven should you ask for it. Plus, what we view as a marriage is very different from when the Bible was written. If you guys are committed to each other, then God views heart vows as a form of marriage. This allows you to set aside the guilt of what you are doing and consider other parts of your problem.

>he starts getting resentful after I shut down his attempts to get frisky.

This concerns me. He isn't respecting your no, and he isn't respecting your shared religion. Marriages must be built on mutual respect and trust, otherwise they will crumble. When you say no about having sex, he must always listen. I have stopped men a few moments after penetration and told them I am not feeling this, and in every situation, they've stopped and respected that. They may ask why, such as, "Is it something I did?" and I just explain that I'm not in the right headspace. They then drop the issue and we fall asleep in each other's arms. Badgering, pleading, sulking, and the silent treatment are not appropriate. I worry that him refusing your no is part of a deeper problem where he doesn't respect you, but if you would like to work on it, you can use this script while you are both comfortable and clothed.
"Blank, we have discussed before about me not wanting to have sex before marriage anymore. I know you do not feel that way, but I do. From now on, I would like to remain celibate until marriage. I want you to respect my Catholic values by not complaining, pleading, or sulking in an effort to get me to change my decision. If this is a relationship breaker for you, please let me know." After that, it is up to him to uphold his side of the request. Depending on your age, I personally would expect the relationship to be a little frosty over the next two weeks. It's not ideal, and I hope he's better than that, but it sounds like you want to make this work and I don't want to tell you to break unless it's a serious problem. If after telling him this, he wants to break up immediately because he is unwilling to wait, that is heartbreaking, but it allows you to heal and to one day start to search for a different man who will respect you and your values. Then, set a boundary that you do not want to cross. I would recommend no hands in pants or underwear and that the pants stay on. This way, if he ever starts taking off your pants while you're making out, you can immediately remind him of your conversation and start to withdraw. If he becomes upset, this is a bad sign. It is definitive proof that he is disrespecting your no. That he is not respecting your body or your religion. If this is who he is, I do not think the relationship can be saved. Sometimes people having growing to do before they can be a partner in a healthy relationship, and they can't do it while they're in a relationship. I would recommend breaking up. Again, as amazing as he may be, if he doesn't respect your no, there is an ocean of guys who will who are just as amazing as him.

>This is causing a massive strain on the relationship and I always try to make it up for him in other ways like cooking nice meals and giving him extra attention

While it is always wonderful to do loving gestures towards your spouse, I worry that your mindset believes that you have to please him in other ways to make up for denying him your body. Your body is not his property. It belongs to you, and only you. You get to decide what goes in it and under what circumstances. You can work on rewiring your brain to be less fearful about allowing others to use you by telling yourself "I am worthy of respect. No is a complete sentence and I am allowed to say it. I will not set myself on fire to keep others warm." Saying this at least times a day and I guarantee you will internalize it.

>How do I keep celibate without my fiancée being resentful towards me for it?

Ultimately, you don't. His thoughts and feeling are his own to deal with and you have made a personal choice that as your partner, he has to respect, or else he has to make the decision to leave. Chipping away at your boundaries until you give in to sex with him is not an option, it is coerced sex and people who love each other don't pressure the other into coerced sex.

Anonymous 76968

Well I've also had a really painful UTI that still gives me kidney pain years later so I do understand.

Anonymous 76978

Ok so if you had such a bad UTI going on for months would you have any desire to be intimate? I don't know about you, but getting someone off while I am in pain and get to have no emotional or physical connection is not fun to me.

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