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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 78195

I feel like my ability to befriend women is damaged because of my experiences being picked on by girls. I had an abusive mother, and was also recognizably autistic at school which as you can imagine made me very popular. I pretty much made my first ever female friend a few months ago, and even this, I'm worried she doesn't like me that much. (I definitely like her a lot so I hope it's mutual but I don't think I could realistically say to her, "Hey, I really like you so much. How much do you enjoy my company? What can I do so you enjoy my company more? Be honest." If I could say that I would and it would be so much more simple.)

Besides her, I've only ever had male friends, and none of those are possible anymore because we're adults now and they just want to date me.

I don't know why I'm always rejected, besides that I still have few social skills and don't really engage well. Men at least have a veneer of treating me nicely, because men will be attracted to anything with tits. Women just seem to dislike me. There was actually recently a problem at my workplace because my female boss (we're the only two women working there right now) singled me out so frequently and viciously that my male coworkers got together to report her to the higher ups. I can obviously tell I'm not likeable but I don't know why. The feeling of dislike is not mutual, I like everybody. I even liked her, tried to please her and figured I was just simply an awful employee and deserved what I got.

When I've talked about this before, people seem to assume that I must be an awful person to be in this position. I promise I'm not a bad person, and if I am, I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to make friends.

Anonymous 78198

Same anon youre not alone. We’re everywhere but i dont know where do we as female rejects go from here. In my case my mother was abusive and so was my older sister(way older than me) they both convinced me women were evil from a young age and that coupled with girls bullying me at school fucked any chance of healthy relationships up from then on. I don’t think you’re a bad person, it’s just when you go through things like that it’s hard to ignore how gender plays a role.

Anonymous 78204

Thanks anon. I appreciate you. It is true that it's hard to ignore the gender dynamics. I don't understand if women are more likely to alienate the "other" or what the cause of it is, or if it's the reverse and it's just that men put up with me because I'm cute, or what it might be.

The worst thing (for me) has been other "neurodivergent" girls rejecting me as "too" neurodivergent. I don't have cute quirky special interests like frogs and antique teacups, and I don't do little flappy arm stims, and I don't have social media and a substantial friend circle, and my difficulty with empathy and relating to people doesn't stop when it's politically or socially convenient. So even the autists don't want me.

Anonymous 78207

I feel the same way too anon. I was bullied by mainly girls and had a very abusive mother. I like other women and want to befriend other women, but I worry most women don't want to befriend me. And truthfully I feel like my deep mommy issues make me come across as too desperate and clingy to befriend other women, which I am tbh.
I have made a female friend recently too. I like her a lot, but I worry I could become too clingy.
Your post breaks my heart a little because of how much I relate and how much I wish neither of us had to deal with this. I don't think you're a bad person either. It's just hard for us autists, especially female autists.

Anonymous 78210

I'm here for you. At least we know that each other exists, so we don't have to feel totally alone in the world. I'm sorry you have to go through all you do.

Desperate and clingy… tell me about it. I'm sure you don't come across that way, but even if you do, I don't blame you. My new female friend and I ended up developing a dynamic where we basically send each other long letters, instead of texting back and forth. I always look forward to her letters and when they come through I read it immediately and I usually can't resist the urge to write my response immediately (even if hers took a few days), because it means her next response might come sooner too. I know it's clingy, and it's kind of embarrassing. But she lets me sperg out about my special interests and it's such an unfamiliar and awesome thing for me that I can't help but want to talk to her as much as possible. I hope she doesn't think I'm creepy. She's a great person one way or another. If she ends up sick of me, at least I'll have gotten to talk to her for a little while.

Anonymous 78212

>they just want to date me
>my male coworkers got together to report her to the higher ups

Yeah, ok, I can see you are happen to be conventionally attractive, so maybe you was unlucky enough to met women who care too much about male attention and dating to the point of being jealous/suspicious of you, so yeah - it certainly doesn't make you an awful person

Anonymous 78213

Gosh anon, we really do sound similar. I hope I don't come across as clingy, but I definitely feel that way. If I knew she wouldn't think less of me for it, I'd let it show a lot more. My old female best friend and I were very clingy to each other, I miss it a lot.
We could try being friends if you'd like anon, you sound interesting and sweet, but no pressure.

Anonymous 78215

It would be great to talk if you wanted to. I don't know if we'll have much in common because I forewarn you I mostly like talking about my special interests and they don't have a lot of wide appeal. But we may be able to talk and have fun nonetheless. You seem really kind as well. I'm glad you understand everything.

Anonymous 78216

I wouldn't mind if you mostly just talked about your special interests, I hope it would be fine for me to sperg about mine too.
My email is [email protected], we could move to discord or something if you'd like but I'm fine just emailing too. Whatever you prefer. Thank you anon!

Anonymous 78220

I feel you OP, I wasn't abused or bullied (that much), and I'm not actually autistic, but when you try to talk about this with "some people" like so many posters on lc they assume you're saying that women are shallow and will call you a pickme. Or they'll call you a pickme just because it's harder for you to befriend women than men since women aren't trying to fuck you so you have to put in some actual effort.
Feeling like you're a failed woman for not fitting in, not being clean and pretty and performing femininity, or not being able to connect with other women due to your own inherent weirdness or stunted social skills, it fucking sucks. And it sucks even more when other, "normal" women make you feel bad for it, even though you're not attacking them. I don't understand.

Anyway, it wasn't your fault, obviously. Maybe she was a shitty person and hated you for some dumb reason. Maybe she was kind of a pickme and was mad that your male coworkers liked you more, like >>78212 suggested. Who knows, don't worry too much about it.

Anonymous 78221

I’m the same OP. Clingy too. Sadly I think this is a common experience among autistic girls and women. We’re hated everywhere we go and never understand why.

The only advice I can give is to learn to be happy alone and stop trying. At least you will no longer get rejected or bullied that way.

Anonymous 78223

I don't necessarily make friends with men now but I tend to have a lot more "casual" friendships with men than I do with other women. Both my mom and sister suffer this problem, we tend to get along better with men vs. women. I'm much older than my sister so we never had a close bond as sisters and my mother was out of the picture for awhile due to addiction problems. All three of us struggle with finding solid relationships with other women but I don't believe it's really a problem of disliking other women, just not understanding female social cues / suffering trauma via close female relationships. Also because trauma within our personal lives separated us for a long time. My mom is the second oldest and her elder sister was abusive towards her. My sister says it's the "drama" that other women bring about that she dislikes. I think a lot of her trauma about it came from befriending a girl who betrayed her for a boy and got her jumped/abandoned her when she tried to defend her. Since then, she doesn't really trust anyone. For me, it's being groomed into sexual prostitution by an older woman and subsequently mistrusting the condescending nature of many women I come across. They pretend to be your friend just to use you. Men are this way too and can be manipulative of course but I find their actions to be too obvious to be deceived by. I expect this from men and the betrayal doesn't hurt as bad but when it comes from other women, it feels like a much sharper cut.

So I feel you OP, I wish more people could understand that abuse suffered from other women screws with your view of female relationships, as much as you would like it not too.

Anonymous 78257

Absolutely true. Crystal Cafe is the only place I don't feel alien for this.

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