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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent
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Anonymous 79129

https://nypost.com/2022/03/07/virginia-couple-married-for-30-years-claim-theyve-never-argued/

I remember me and my bf saw this a few months ago and joked it would be like us and we'd never argue.
Now we argue practically every day because I cause fights for no reason every single day.
Idk what's wrong with me, I don't wanna be like this but I get so mad for reasons that don't make sense I can't help myself anymore. I really really hate that I grew up in the house that I did because I'm pretty sure I adopted all these behaviors from my parents who hate eachother's guts but "stay together for the kids" and grew up watching nasty and violent fights.
Its sad because for our whole relationship and those before him I was worried I'd turn into one of them and I genuinly didn't think I could live with myself if I ever heard my husband say the things he said to my mom to me, or if I said the things my mom said to my dad.
Now I'm literally seeing it happen and I wanna kill myself.
How do you unlearn this toxic crap?

>inb4 "its healthy to argue"

Yeah I know this is supposedly true, and I know arguments are unavoidable for 99.99999 percent of couples, its still not nice to have pointless and toxic arguments everyday
>inb4 "leave him"
No, I want to fix myself. If everyone dumped their partner every time they had a rough patch literally no one to be together. I'm not gonna listen to anyone who says this because more often than not its just paranoid and seething misandrists, so fuck off.

Anonymous 79130

have you tried therapy yet?

and have you acknowledged what you're doing yet?

Anonymous 79131

Can you give an example of the types of things you fight over? What triggers it?

Anonymous 79132

When I am unhappy in our relationship I tend to get frustrated/ annoyed at my bf even for very small things.
Household chores is a big issue. When he is neglecting his part of the chores for too long I will get annoyed and frustrated. In these moments I will get mad at him for really stupid things like sneezing too loud. We don't really argue but I did complain about him in a really mean way. Today I am able to keep this at a minimum by adressing the underlying issue with him before I get frustrated.

Is there an underlying issue in your relationship that might be causing those outbursts every day? Or is something outside of the relationship happening that is making you frustrated?
Have you talked to him about this?

Anonymous 79133

You’re aware of it, that’s the first step

Anonymous 79162

Fun fact: apparently couples with a lower negativity threshold (ie they have lots of small arguements about little things) are less likely to get divorced.

Anonymous 79169

>>79162
proof?

Anonymous 79172

>>79129
Can you tell us more about why you get so mad and end up starting fights with him? Therapy should be your first point of call.

Anonymous 79173

>>79129
>I'm not gonna listen to anyone who says this because more often than not its just paranoid and seething misandrists, so fuck off.
why would anyone say this if in the post youre so adamant that the problem is you not him? you seem weirdly defensive.

Anonymous 79179

>>79129
try going to an anger management class.

Anonymous 79180

>>79173
because the default response to most relationship problems on this website seem to be "break-up with him." which isn't too unreasonable due to the surprising amount of people here who are in incredibly unhealthy relationships, but it is a little overused at times.

Anonymous 79247


Anonymous 79532

>now we argue practically every day because I cause fights for no reason every single day.
okay so stop lol

Anonymous 79551

>>79129
>Idk what's wrong with me, I don't wanna be like this but I get so mad for reasons that don't make sense I can't help myself anymore
i acted like this with my ex. i realized it was because i didn't respect him anymore, was falling out of love and didn't find him sexually attractive either. is it possible you aren't attracted to your bf or don't really love him as much as you used to? im dating a different guy now, i have a lot of respect for him and am extremely attracted to him, and we never fight or argue whatsoever because i want to be on best behavior around him. if you find yourself nagging or picking fights with a guy you should ask yourself honestly if you really love him or feel attracted to him anymore.

Anonymous 79565

my parents never argue either, its weird, i have never heard them fight each other. guess it happens

Anonymous 79783

Are you showing love appreciation and effort outside of these arguments? As for me when I find myself getting resentful over the little things and provoking arguments, it is because I have bigger unaddressed grievances that need to be discussed. Could that be the case with you? Are you unhappy with something in your relationship?

You have to actively practice breaking those habits in the moment when you are fighting by choosing different, more peaceful tactics than the ones that are your innate or immediate response. You aren't really going to be able to just suddenly choose to stop starting fights. It is incredibly difficult to do this as you must force yourself in very emotionally volatile moments to do the opposite of what your passions are telling you to do. But this will build better communication habits to not only fix this issue but overall improve your relationship. Always apologize and ask forgiveness when you mess up. Have you told him about your parents and that you find yourself repeating their words, but that you don't really mean them in your heart?

Anonymous 79797

Has OP even responded since making this thread? At best I think >>79180 might be OP, but this reads like a troll post since she's not actually talking to anyone.



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