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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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advice / help Anonymous 80026

this might be long, but i rly need advice on something that has basically consumed my life for the last few years. any help or anything would be appreciated, i've never told anybody about anything regarding this so i hope this will also be cathartic for me

ill start at the beginning: for basically my entire childhood up until like middle school, i had a really good relationship with my dad. we would basically never argue or fight or anything (most of the time, there were some times where i would act up and he would do stuff like make me look for orphanages in a phonebook because he said he would put me up for adoption), i did okay in school but got in trouble once in a while, things were basically just peachy. until i started puberty. it started with little things, like he would yell at me over random things, get really agitated, and started slapping/hitting me in my face as well as threatening to spank me. it was really gradual, taking place from when i was like 12 up to when i was around 16-17. things got worse and worse, to the point where it went from i was always happy around him to i would actively dread being around him. the older i got, the more he liked to touch and hit me as well. in 8th/9th grade, my grades were slipping pretty badly and i was getting in trouble at school a lot, and it got to the point where basically every day he would force me to sit on the couch so he and my mom could yell at me until i cry, then send me to my room to do nothing but homework until i fell asleep. if i ever tried to talk back to him or even try arguing with him, he wouldnt hesitate to just stand up and hit me and scream at me at the top of his lungs.

in like 8th grade, i was given a school therapist for something like adhd/depression/anxiety (its been so long, i cant remember exactly) and it felt like i could finally open up to someone about how i felt while being, in her words, "completely confidential" (didn't really have any friends, and it's not like its easy to open up to other ppl in middle school). i told her that i didnt like how my parents would find any excuse to be mad and yell at me and i missed how my relationship with my dad was when i was a kid. the therapist seemed like she actually wanted to find solutions and help me, so after the first session with her i felt pretty awesome about the future. i never ended up having a second session with her for reasons unknown, and it turns out she immediately told my parents what i told her because my dad quoted something i had said to her and used it as a reason to yell and hit me after school later that week.

once i was in high school, my family was more chaotic. my older half-sister, who is 8 yrs older than me and was basically my sister since we lived together when we were younger, cut off contact with my parents and didn't really talk to me (we were never really close, so idk). additionally, along with the regular yelling and stuff, my dad started randomly slapping/pinching/grabbing my butt pretty frequently whenever we were doing something alone (like going grocery shopping or him picking me up from a friends house or something). i never said anything about it to anybody, because every time he did it, i was petrified and couldn't even react or vocalize anything. i knew if i made a scene or tried to get him to stop, he would just yell at me and my mom would side with him. i became more and more of a recluse, and showed less and less emotion or feeling towards anything, which seemed to work to get him to stop paying as much attention to me.

it eventually came to a head in october of 2018, when we had a large power outage due to storms in the area. my mom was out doing something, and it was just me and him alone at our house. for the few months prior to october, things were better than they had been for years. i was willing to put things aside if it meant i could just have a dad who loved me, and i could love him back. but i guess he was in a really bad mood that night, because he said something that i thought was dumb and i laughed at it. he immediately put on the most angry face ive ever seen on him, and stood up and immediately slapped me in the face. then, he started saying things like "i dont know why you havent killed yourself yet" and "im not required by law to love you". it was like my body turned to freezing ice and i felt the worst i have ever felt in my life. he kept yelling at me until he got tired of it, and i got up and went to my room and just buried myself in my bed crying. when my mom came home, she told me "we'll discuss this in the morning" and i went to sleep hoping finally that my mom would realize that my dad is fucking insane and would help me. when i woke up, my mom called me into the living room, and they both yelled at me and forced me to say a long apology to my dad for "hurting his feelings" or something like that. it was like torture. as soon as that was over, it was like all connection to my parents had just severed in an instant. even though i still lived with them, i didn't talk to them for months, and when I did started talking to them, it was only in single word responses like "yes" or "no". and that's how i still am to them today, i will go to extents to not talk to them or interact with them in any way, and will a lot of the time ignore them if they try to talk to me. it seems to work well, because my dad doesn't really yell at me or touch me anymore since ive graduated, so i guess its worth it.

the issue is that i am very socially inept and don't really have any skills, so holding a job or moving out or anything like that is very difficult to me. so even though i want to cut them out of my life completely, i dont really have any opportunities to. i just want to get out of here, but i cant. i don't really know any of my other family members, either, so i dont really have anyone to turn to for help

Anonymous 80028

My heart just broke reading this… wtf os wrong with your parents, it’s like they are broken humans or something. I can suggest you to look at online english translation jobs!!! It could help with money

Anonymous 80031

You can learn how to code, Power BI, some other language besides your own to get some translation job. At first, keep as far away from your father as possible, answer only what is necessary, keep in mind that the problem is him, not you, try to focus as much as possible on developing a skill, so you will feel confident and earn your independence. I was heartbroken reading your story, but look to the future, I have faith that you will soon be free.

Anonymous 80032

You guys say shit like this like it’s easy. I have no problem with the advice and i’ll take it but It would take someone years to perfect these skills… what should she do now in this moment?

Anonymous 80033

Never said it was easy, I was beaten and humiliated by my mother almost every day for most of my childhood and youth. The only solution was to have mental strength in the face of abuse, become independent and run

Anonymous 80034

Nona I totally understand you. I'm in a similar situation with my father and sister, I can't really give advice since I'm just lost as you are, but I decided to work on my social skills first and try to get to know someone I can trust since I can't really do much on my own. While I can't get out of here for now I try my best to avoid any interaction with my family or being alone with my father. I still have hope that it will get better, even if it takes a while

Anonymous 80035

have you ever tried reaching out to your sister? explaining your situation to her and how you don't feel safe? maybe she'll understand

Anonymous 80039

>she immediately told my parents what i told her
Report her to the board and leave a bad Yelp review for her so other patients know not to trust her. Fucking bitch.

Anonymous 80040

reaching out to your sister and getting a job with no prerequisites seems the easiest way to have some progress in the immediate time.

for the long run, study. study to have an okay job, doesn't mean become rich, just enough to be independant one day.

until then try to open up to people you can trust and talk again to your sister, if you're too shy to open up to her you don't have to talk about it in the very beginning. maybe just normal conversations, then ask why she cut off with your parents, and one day open up when you feel comfortable.

but you absolutely need to find one person you can trust and start working for your independance.

Anonymous 80041

and yeah if you can report the therapist, she's a dumb ass who doesn't even respect her obligations

Anonymous 80107

ive actually been trying language learning stuff recently! im trying to learn german, so we'll see if that gets me anywhere ig

ill try that, its pretty difficult though since i live in the middle of nowhere (like 5 houses within 2 miles) and i dont use social media or anything like that.

my situation with my sister is like… really weird. i feel like i was basically always just 'annoying little sister' and then she moved out and we haven't spoken since, along with her moving a few states away. she has 2 kids and is married now, so idk if i would want to bring her back into this whole situation

i would definitely, but this was when i was in like 7th-8th grade (so like 8-9 yrs ago) so i have no clue who she was

getting and keeping a job is pretty difficult for me, even discounting me being rly socially inept, me leaving my house for any reason is subject to my dad interrogating me every time i open our front door and implying im a liar when i say im walking to work. i have been planning on starting courses at a community college near me next semester which should be a step in the right direction, though

ty all for the help and advice! it rly makes me feel better and a lot more hopeful

Anonymous 80113

That's really disgusting of your dad OP, I'm sorry.
If you learn German I think it would be a good idea to consider moving to Germany. I moved recently and while looking for jobs I would see tons of customer service jobs that you can do at entry level with no degree, even from home. There's also always demand for workers in shops and stores, delivery services, and warehouses like amazon. So some jobs have minimal interactions with people You can live here just fine with min wage.

Anonymous 80122

Your dad is a sick deluded animal. Absolutely sick and mental. Your mom is too. All you have to do to stop being socially inept is to get out of the house. I really recommend working to lift your spirits everyday and save money to split !! You don't have to have many skills to work in a shop or at a cash register. Trust me is the only thing that will save you is confidence you can get past going outside and working outside. Jesus christ don't talk to yourself that way. You HAVE to start working outside the house or you will stay in that hell with those pigs forever.

Anonymous 80220

I don't understand people like your dad. Your mother and ex-therapist are pathetic too (one of the many reasons I think most therapists should never ever be trusted). If I could, I would let you simply live in my house .
What country do you live in?

I was in a similar situation to yours up until this year, but I admit I just got very lucky. My boyfriend and his family allowed me to move in with them for free to get away from my abusive household. If not for them, I don't know how I would have ever gotten out. But I believe in you and I wish you all the good luck in the world. I am praying for your success and happiness.
Anon, moving countries is very hard. She'd have to work very hard and it would probably take years.

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