/b/ - Random

>>104557
I've had this problem too though with less serious issues. It seems silly to compare but I had trouble with mental in competitive games on a semi-professional level so much so I ruined any chances of deteriorating my chances of playing professionally despite devoting thousands of hours into it. It feels like I would go on a manic spree and casually destroy all of my relationships and accounts. I solved this by trying to distance myself from the stimuli altogether and finding out what that is for you is key. Once you find your trigger you either have to learn to cope(proper word cope not internet meme!) or avoid it at all costs. Google healthy coping strategies and see which ones work for you and which ones don't. I am very confident that if you just explain what you are going through to your friends/bf they will help you or at the very least be supportive, please don't see this as the end but rather the beginning of a long and grueling cycle.

Staying up till morning because I got distracted on the internet all night
Not eating at the proper times
Ignoring my friends' messages indefinitely with the idea that "I'll reply to them later" (idk if this counts as a "self-destructive behaviour" but you mentioned a similar thing, and it does make me feel intense guilt so it probably counts)

I signed up for swimming classes at 8AM a month ago, and since I like it, that helps because I'm doing exercise, therefore my body and mind are healthier, plus it's a strong motivator to go to sleep earlier and fix my sleep schedule. Also, I've been going to therapy every month or so, and it has helped me a lot (I think she does CBT).

>>104557
I have had a problem with concentration and talking to myself and laughing to myself frequently. But I'm psychotic and have ADHD.

>>104576
I don't think talking to yourself is a self-destructing behaviour though

>>104583
I don't know about the person you were replying to, but for me I talk to myself constantly (in my head, not out loud) and it is usually critical/cruel things that I direct toward myself. The more stressed I am the worse it gets. It can be anywhere from me asking myself "Are you kidding me? Why did you do that?" to "Oh my god you worthless bitch look what you have done again."

On top of that I do literally harm myself regularly, worse when I am stressed badly, but I am always in a state of stress somewhat. I bite my fingers, and unfortunately have recently picked up a new habit of biting tiny pieces of my tongue off, especially when I am asleep. I have been wondering for weeks why I keep waking up with sores on my tongue until I literally woke myself up in pain from doing it, and now it is happening all the time, even when I am awake. Also, when I disappoint someone or make them mad at me by mistake (like saying something insensitive on accident) it takes everything within my being to keep myself from slamming my head against something or biting my knuckles until they bleed. Sometimes I slip up and it happens, and then I get even more mad at myself for slipping up.

To OP, at least when it comes to literal self destructive behavior, like what I described above, I have to block everything out and focus on not hurting myself. It means shutting down entirely, breathing, and forcing myself to take a minute or so in silence. Usually if I can push past the first 30 seconds of the impulse, it will pass, and if not another minute will usually help. Trying to practice mindfulness and being self-aware is the only way I have been able to somewhat curb my self-destructive behavior, not just when it comes to self harm but also with intrusive thoughts and putting myself down.

No idea how to stop destructive anxious habits, though. Whenever I get a handle on one, another pops up and it's usually worse than the last. I suspect it might be some undiagnosed something or other but you'd have to drag me to a mental hospital to get me looked at by a doctor lol.

>>104640
Oh, ok, you're right. I forgot I do that, as well. Most of the time when I talk to myself, it's not just self-deprecation, it's long monologues about whatever and daydreaming out loud, but I insult myself a lot too.

It sounds like you need CBT. Have you gone to therapy?

>>104583
This, self-talk isn't inherently negative. If the little voice in your head is being a bitch you need learn how to shut it off entirely or be positive. Either one will be an improvement.

Back in high school, I used to rub my eyebrows so much that they started having visible balding. I also rubbed my eyes so much that I must have looked like I have full-blown OCD.

I don't rub my eyebrows anymore, but still do the eye rubbing sometimes. I've managed to keep it in check by doing something I'm absorbed enough in, like schoolwork .

OP here
>>104561
>if you just explain what you are going through to your friends/bf they will help you or at the very least be supportive
I wish I could, but the issues I have aren't easy to explain or drop in a lightly manner, you know? Not to mention its not more so a trigger but something thats been snowballing and came crashing through. Hard to explain honestly but the episode I had a week ago was just the start. I feel like being away from everyone for a while could help me qwell whats going on.
>>104563
I feel like the form of ghosting you are talking about in a way is self destructive. Happy to hear swimmings helping you out!
>>104640
I feel the same honestly but at the same time, I just lie to the doctors to get out quicker. Only time I ever been truthful was in the midst of a breakdown and whats wrong with me was clear as day. I hope you get access to a therapist if you can! I unfortunately can't due to health insurance.
>>104844
Thats great! Hopefully the eyerubbing goes away like the eyebrow one.
>>104857
Sis I'm so sorry you went through do that, I'm happy journaling did you wonders. I tried it but couldn't keep it up.

I try to limit the bad self-talk but it comes back. Skin picking and eating shitty stuff are constant.
Though now I'm working on finding a decent therapist and finding some inner peace. It's still hard because my inner monologue is basically a performance, so sometimes I'll exaggerate the bad behaviours just for the show

>>104557
I have a really bad state of mind that I get into sometimes. It doesn't feel like it's "me" but I still have to take responsibility for it you know? And it's really difficult to explain, I've told my bf and he tried really hard to be patient even though he couldn't relate at all, but it still ended up being too much for him. I've explained it to several people and nobody has told me it's anything but utterly incomprehensible.
In short, sometimes I get a feeling of deja vu like I'm repeating a bad memory, and I feel a frantic need to do whatever I can to make it different, sacrificing literally anything. It could be lashing out at people or hurting myself (not in a focused way like cutting, stuff like flailing and hitting myself) or just… Screaming. But at the same time I'm still there, and I'm looking at myself do this stuff and begging myself to stop. All the while I'll see this reel of memories and it really confuses me.
It's hard to get help for because I have not met anyone who says it makes sense to them. Everyone thinks I'm overreacting to stuff because I think it's worth reacting to, like overly pessimistic thinking, but I'm overreacting to stuff despite not feeling that way.

>>106208
This exact thing happens to me almost monthly. Do you have a diagnosis anon? I suspect i might have type 2 bipolar

>>106215
No I don't have one besides being told I have trauma. Because people misinterpret it as "I believe this irrational thing and react accordingly" instead of "I don't believe anything irrational but act irrationally anyway," I just get told it's normie anxiety and depression which don't feel fitting at all. I relate most to CPTSD but that isn't in the DSM5 so you cannot be diagnosed with it.

>>106208
>>106215
saging for incoherent ramble

happens to me all the time tbh, and i have been diagnosed with cptsd (though currently not in therapy, loooong story)


regardless, you are not alone at all anon. it hurts knowing or feeling that your actions are coming from a place that feels like its outside of yourself, like someone else is hijacking your actions or whatever, and that youre just kind of watching them until you realize that its affected those around you and possibly yourself too.

it's even tougher for you bc it sounds like youre unsure if anyone else you know has felt that way or what youre even feeling to begin with. i cant tell you i have a good answer for you but its not overreaction or anything, perhaps it looks that way from the outside but it's something like a loss of your sense of self, or whatever, that makes it so confusing. it's understandably difficult to understand because your understanding is taken away from you in those moments. I hear that sort of thing happens from complex trauma, the brain does so to protect itself from perceived triggers, but I'm definitely not a doctor. anyways hope youre doing well, just wanted to lyk youre not alone out there.

>>106360
Thank you anon that's a really nice post. What you said about losing your own sense of self and awareness definitely resonates with me, it absolutely feels like getting hijacked. It's different from regular anxiety where it's me being anxious, instead I feel like someone else is anxious and is expressing it through my body if that makes sense
I am seeing a therapist but not as often as I'd like so it's slow going, but still hopeful. I recently lost a very dear friend because of my illness so I'm just trying to take it day by day.

>>106365
totally makes sense, a friend of mine has panic attacks and while terrible, the experience is totally different/not rly comparable to what I go through. I cant imagine what a pain it must be to survive trauma and have your brain crap out on you with recurring anxiety attacks. stay strong out there.

about ur friend…. christ im sorry for your loss. can't say I cant relate either. my friends and bfs have been a revolving door and these days I just keep to myself! hard to control yourself especially around those you feel safe around or loved by. hell id say that might arguably be the hardest thing to deal with. sometimes love or friendship feels like abuse and vice versa, and yeah I can very well imagine that something snapped in you or caused you to lose control with them.

hey listen I'm sure you dont want to forgive yourself for what happened, it totally makes sense that you want to be responsible for the damage your actions cause. hoping you get to a better place with your therapist though, might be hard with the recent events you've dealt with but thats the best way to acknowledge what happened without letting yourself off the hook, I think.

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