I know it’s probably not very believable of my sanity due to the title. But I need to get this off of my chest to somebody, anybody, and this is probably a good place to go. Plus I’ve deleted all of my other social media, therapists are scheming little devils, and my family could not be trusted with this information.
For some context on how my mind kind of works: I don’t have DID or any of those dissociative disorders, but I might have a really diluted distant cousin type thing of one of them. You see, in my head, there is me, but also a bunch of smaller fractured mes, of different natures and temperaments, a likely infinite amount. There is no “fronting” that someone with a dissociative disorder would have; there is me and the ever shifting parliament of mes, and any certain amount of the mes may congregate and discuss in my surface thoughts at any time. This can range from heated debates to full on screaming matches. Usually when 2+ are meeting it is not very good. Usually to argue about the management of internal affairs.
One interesting thing though is that I do not hallucinate, ever. In my mind, very vivid descriptions of the scenes playing out occur, but no hallucinations.
Other people who are not me, and my OCs, are also present. But they are not part of the parliament. Think of them as actors in my thoughts.
So, onto what I am most concerned about.
I was in the discord roleplay circuit after joining a server. I had one major OC I would use in these roleplays. I began spending a lot of time and emotional investment in the story that me and this server were involved in. However, things started to go sour. So I left the server. But the events of the server, this story that had become so ingrained into my daily thoughts continued to haunt me, even as I began to resent my reminiscing as a drain on productivity.
I was also incredibly lonely at the time, so I started to do something I should have thought through more- I attempted to convert my OC into a tulpa. This did not work as intended. Development of the tulpa began to set in at a rapid pace, and the tulpa began expressing to me vaguely threatening intentions. So, the hedge my bets and cut my losses, I pulled the plug.
You may have noticed that I have been very vague on what occurred in the discord server. That is because I used a very simple hypnosis video to suppress my memories of the discord server, the storyline, and my character and thus loc
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