/b/ - Random

I don't know if this is a topic i can talk about here but i don't have anyone to talk about this, so it's just a vent. Ignore me or help me.
I don't know what the fuck is happening to me lately. Recently i found out that the guy i was with cheated on me. We were not an oficial couple, we aren't girlfriend and boyfriend but he treated me like one, he treated me like i was his real girlfriend, he was so sweet with me, he was my first kiss and he touched me like no one ever did.
I don't think that what he did to me can count as cheating, because we weren't a couple, but he did lied to me in my face. I found out that at the same time that we were in this weird "situationship" he was talking to another girl and also flirting with her, asking her to go out on dates, talking and hanging out with her, etc. The moment i knew i confronted him and blocked him. I wish i didn't do it, i haven't stopped crying about him since Dec 2, that was the day i found out everything. I miss him so much, i miss his touch, his kisses, his laugh, i can't stop thinking about him and every time i remember the things he did to me, i start crying; he wasn't the best, he choked me a few times and gave me the silent treatment for days, but i loved him, he said that he liked my curly hair, that i was pretty and that my eyes were beautiful.. sometimes he was just so sweet, i really believed that he liked me. I don't know why he did what he did, i have been torturing myself with thinking for a reason to justify his behavior, his lies. And i feel so dirty and stupid, because after all he did to me, i still miss him, i still think about him. Even tough i KNOW that he doesn't think about me, even tough i know that i never meant anything to him, i miss him. I remember the first time he kissed me, it was on Oct 19, that was the best day of my life, he was my very first kiss, he held me so gently in his arms, he looked me in my eyes and leaned to kiss me. It was so magical. And i feel SO guilty for missing him; I became friends with the girl he cheated on me with, my ex and her still talk, they're friends. She thinks im over him and we have some inside jokes about him. She's nice, funny, and so pretty, i sometimes find myself comparing to her, and it makes me feel like a bad person, because i sometimes wish to be her just so my ex can love me again, just so i can talk to him again, just so i can be as pretty as her. I hate myself, im tired of pretending being someone im not, i just want to be as pretty as her, im tired of being the other woman.