/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>>102769
I am once again advocating for women on this IB to stop dating men. What you are experiencing is a very common, basically textbook definition of the behavior of an addict. Actual love is not addictive and does not make you feel insecure. Exacerbated self-consciousness is present in the process of what feminists call "trauma-bonding": terror of being abandoned (in its bare-bones form).

Picrel is a good post from the blog witchwind (link to the full post: https://witchwind.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/the-butterflies-or-unpeeling-the-politics-of-love-part-i/) which partly explains this near obsessive behavior of yours. Note the part where she says that it got her to nitpick at her appearance and instilled feelings of emptiness and, by extent, depression.

Be careful with men and don't dig yourself in too deep with them if you are still very passionate about dating. If he doesn't make you feel like you're a babe worth 10,000 kisses then just drop him (or, forbid, he deliberately makes you feel like shit, then definitely drop him and never look back). Limerence is one hell of a drug, but it is not love and hardly worth cultivating.

Firstly, good on you for challenging yourself to do something outside of your comfort zone. And here's my advice-

You're asking so many questions about whether you're being interesting enough, whether you're messaging him enough, whether he even likes you, but what about you? Do you even like talking to him? Is he being interesting in conversation? When you're just starting out and feeling insecure, it's really easy to give a lot of power to men without even thinking about your own needs. A lot of men just aren't very interesting to talk to or are shitty at keeping conversation going. There's no point in bending over backwards to try to keep the conversation engaging when your conversation partner may not even be doing 50% of the work. That's why I think it's important that you think about what you want out of this. If you don't feel comfortable keeping up with daily conversations, then don't, and respond less frequently. If he's being boring, don't force yourself to keep the conversation engaging. In my experience, most men don't respond out of politeness for very long so don't worry about whether he actually enjoys talking to you. If he's responding, then that's good enough.

And if things fizzle out, remember that it isn't your fault. There are millions of people on this earth and we aren't going to hit it off with every single one of them. That's something I have to remind myself of a lot too. If conversation ends up fizzling out, take that as a sign that you and this person just aren't compatible. If you fixate too much on trying to please a single person and keeping them engaged, you could be missing out on other people out there who you have a much easier time talking to.

>>102769
You're trying to get to know him only through messaging? Hasn't he asked you out yet?

>>102770
defo ticks a few of those boxes actually, glad to know it's normal that makes me feel a bit less anxious about it ty anon

>>102771
U right u right, ty for the advice this makes a whole lot of sense actually

>>102779
nah we did meet up twice but it has been mainly through message, I'd defo prefer to get to know him irl tho cause messages are more up to your own interpretation and i don't want to create a false impression of him in my head or vice versa

>>102784
How was meeting him?

>>102786
he was pretty pleasant to be around, I don't have much to compare it to cause it was my first date ever tho. He seemed pretty nervous the first time but then more confident the second time and the conversation generally flowed quite well just a bit jumpy and uncertain on both ends

>>102790
That's great, nona, and you certainly feel how to proceed now. You have to meet again. Forget about texting. Sometimes it's fun and gives you a rush but most of the time it's just mindgames. So what would you prefer: a game of text chess or him being face to face with you not trying to fuck up because he is so nervous and you're so cute? I wish you a good time, nona, and enjoy yourself

>>102769
I wrote a big post giving specific advice but I deleted it because basically you should just follow your own nature. Message as much as you like, don't change your natural behaviour. Be honest, people recognise it and respect it. If you worry he doesn't care for you then ask him how he feels about you. (if he really likes you then he will understate it for fear of coming on too strong)
Well done for challenging yourself too, we're all rooting for you.

>>102790
What have you guys done for dates, just curious?

>>102920
hee hee ty anon, 1st time was just a walk so we got to talk a lot but 2nd was cinema so the conversation was pretty minimal. I defo feel like the 1st one was more valuable in getting to know each other.

We haven't met up since I posted but I've still kept messaging him and felt a lot more positive and relaxed about it after venting and reading the other anons advice

In my zen place guize, if it fuggs up it is what it is and at least I tried

>>102926
Movies, gigs, plays etc suck for dates early on. Just getting coffee and talking is the best sometimes. The best feeling is when you go out for a coffee then the shop closes at like 8pm so you just walk around for a few hours because neither of you want to leave. I miss doing that.

>>102770
This is an extremely elaborate troll. Imagine thinking that love, an emotion that serves the only purpose of bringing two people together, "trauma-bonding". Of course people who are in love feel anxious about being separated from the other, otherwise it wouldn't be love. I swear these nonas are just like migtow moids, if not worse

Of course love gives you mortal fear, that is a tale as old as time. In fact, I'd say that being cool as a clam would be very worrying behavior. It either means you are dating someone way below your level, or that you are a psychopath.

It's a virtue to want to be the best person you can be towards another, and that is naturally going to manifest as boatloads of anxiety when said person might become a partner for life.

I feel sad for people like >>102770 who have completely lost sight of that ideal.

>>103055
>>103080
It seems that anons don't understand what I was trying to convey. I don't mean to derail the thread too much and I'll sage, but I don't think providing a different perspective to the suffocating romanticism going on itt is going to hurt anyone.

A good frame of reference for what "love" is is what you feel towards a good friend, your mother, or your sibling. Does the thought of talking to your mother make you anxious? Do you spend an hour in front of a mirror before meeting your friend? If you do not feel comfortable with someone, you do not love them nor do you feel love emanating from them reciprocally. I thought this is obvious.

OP clearly stated in her post that she is insecure. That is not good foundation for a relationship because insecure people build their relationships on codependence. It's their desire to lock down the 'security' that being 'insecure' implies lack of. I know because I've been there and I don't talk out of my ass. This problem is exacerbated with romantic relationships due to the importance that is generally imposed on them. That's why I have no problem calling it trauma-bonding, because that's what it is. In my original post, I say that trauma-bonding is terror of being abandoned. It's fear of losing the security. It's bonding with someone not out of love, but out of fear.

It messes with me when I see a woman getting in touch with her intuition telling her that something is wrong, that she does not feel safe or good, and then 5 other women emerge from the bushes to gaslight her about what she's feeling that it's oh so totally normal, don't worry about it. After all, other traumatized women experience it too!

I understand that discouraging people from stepping on the rake is denying them the opportunity to learn. Most people can learn only when they personally experience the consequences. But the sooner the seed of a new perspective is planted, the sooner it will manifest in conscious thought pattern, and that's what I wish for every nona itt who genuinely has no frame of reference for what a stable connection looks like.

>>103082
Usually people don't have sexual intercourse with their parents, siblings or their friends, even though, they love them and they don't feel lust towards them. So your love framework doesn't fit the phenomenon OP is probably referring to. It's similar in certain aspects but not the same. Also, you are framing falling in love with somebody like a sickness and list symptoms everybody is familiar with in your pic to gaslight them into your suggested belief without giving any other definition of romantic love OP can work with instead you instill fear for something that is perfectly normal. I wouldn't trust your intentions if I were OP

>>103082
Not OP, but for what it's worth, I liked your post and needed the reminder now that I can feel another pointless bout of limerence coming on towards a guy who is inappropriate for me for many reasons, including his much younger age.
Last year, I already experienced a strong phase of limerence towards someone else with a lot of the symptoms listed in your screenshot. It made me feel like I was sick and crazy and you're right in saying that this sort of thing isn't worth cultivating. It makes more sense to build relationships with people who I can tell with certainty care about me instead of giving in to my brain concocting delusional fantasies about random guys I have no true connection with.

>>102770
This is what goes through the average lesbian’s mind when she sees a cute couple holding hands in public, look at her and laugh nonas.

>>103160
*average polilez