/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Op here, I'll kick the thread off

I am a deeply repressed ftm and very unhappy about it. I always wanted to be a pretty prince and do cute stuff with girls and be how other men aren't basically. But instead living with GD in a very patriachal place has made me bitter, petty, envious and moody. When I present femme I am actually quite attractive but I hate how that makes everyone around percieve me. I'm bi (pref women though) and really crave a relationship but whenever I come close to getting one I am disgusted by how the guys just seems me as a cute little thing and I just run away and isolate myself again. I have no one irl to talk to this about and no one that would understand if I opened up. I have thought of going on T but with my build I would just be a weird manlet, and whenever I present more masc people just see me as a dyke, which also makes me uncomfortable (not that being a masc lesbian is a wrong thing), but I just hate being seen that way, I wanna be seen as a guy. I have felt like this all my life and when I was younger I used to hope it's just a phase but now I am in my 20s and I feel the same, if anything I just feel even less attracted to men than before.

I try coping with watching cute romance movies/anime but they just make me feel even more bitter. Idk.

>>103834
You need therapy nona, transgenderism is an illness that has to be treated.

I have none lol my life is fucking awesome

>>103834
I struggle to see why you want to be ftm other than you don't like how people perceive you as a women? One of the more retarded reasons for wanting to be trans. I mean, I get it, but like you said I don't think being a manlet would make people perceive you better in most cases, especially romantically

>>103837
Cause it's like everything is upside-down, the things you find natural and comforting are the complete opposite of reality. You hate everything about your body, and when something about you is masculine, you like that trait but others hate it. You wanna behave more masculine but others scold you for it. It probably doesn't sound that bad but it's very all-encompassing, everything you do is marked by this expectation/reality dissonance. Even how you interact with people, either you will look like a tomboy or just like a weirdo.

>>103835
most therapists just tell you to transition or pray the gay away

>>103838
I'm sorry you're going through this, anon. Maybe you could try joining a club or something where you don't know anyone and use that as a safe space to fully embrace being a man. See if it helps with the dysmorphia?

>>103838
Perhaps you should focus less on your body and more on your character. For both sexes, it's the person's character that most people are attracted to and not the outward appearance. Having confidence in your image, your body language, the ability to laugh at your imperfections, coherent speech – all of those qualities are important to shape a person's perception of you. And all of those qualities could be learned and mastered. I'd advise you to join an acting class or start doing some simple acting exercises – like these, for example –
https://actinginlondon.co.uk/exercises-improve-acting-skills/
Being able to perform in front of an audience, to play a character, to see yourself from an outside perspective can help you to stop caring about how other people see and judge you.

I’m gonna punch a wall, I am trying to choose a laptop and there are so many factors and details and models and modifications and shit to consider, I am trying to compare hardware and stuff but it is endless and seemingly worthless and I just don’t know how to choose, so many unnecessary options

my feet are really fucking cold

i’ve been in a 3 year long relationship with a moid and i have told everyone i know and have ever known i am straight but that’s a lie. i have dreams about falling in love with women and i have had crushes on girls albeit very little, only two. and i have never found a male physically attractive or sex w them arousing, but only men have ever approached me and i don’t know what to do about it. i don’t feel sexually aroused by my partner unless i’m inebriated and i do my best to clear my head and not think. i think i might be lesbian or at the very least bisexual but i have nobody to talk to about it. im just very confused. i had a dream today that drove me insane and waking up with him repulsed me. as always. but nobody knows i feel this way.

>>103857
Please stop torturing yourself and just break it off ASAP. All your other problems can be tackled after that.

>>103852
Watch justjosh on YouTube, he puts great details onto laptops and doesn't just compare raw numbers or gamer specs. Here's one of his recent videos.

got sober for the first time this past year. like truly, fully sober; this whole time i think i’ve had maybe 3 glasses of wine total and i even quit vaping last month. it’s also been the most boring time of my life. I can’t go out with my friends the way i used to, i feel like i’m relegated to some sanitized kiddy corner of their life away from “real” shit. Or they side eye me like I think I’m better than them because my sobriety activates some personal insecurities. It does not help that I worked in a degen industry so prescription drug abuse, coke, weed even heroin (powder not iv) no one bats an eyelash.

There’s also the fact that I’m objectively actually boring as hell if I’m not manic or on something and I’ve also gotten quite fat without the appetite suppression. I ended up quitting my job like 5 months ago now because turns out my living expenses are actually quite low, and I’ve just sort of been laying about the whole time. I see a psychiatrist for antidepressants and I’ve tried therapy but it didn’t really work because boredom isn’t really a problem. I’ve got enough money to coast for the next decade but i get the feeling I’m probably gonna end up wasting it.

Working in customer service is really making me more antisocial than what I wanted to be. I thought maybe it’ll turn me into a more sociable person going around meeting new cool people. Instead I get shitted on for making simple mistakes like mishearing the size of their drink or getting their coffee wrong. I guess I’m not meant to be a bartender or a barista. I’ve worked back of house before and being a cook wasn’t so easy too. Worked in a warehouse too which was an extremely competitive workplace left me burnt out in less than a month. I can’t find any good place to fit in. No matter what I do as a living it’s hard to please a certain group. My only will is the money that’s coming and the good friends I’ve made from my current job. I could never be happy with any job.

I lost my $80 bathing suit today, and I have no idea how. I'm so mad and upset that I feel ill

>>103857
I used to be in this position too. Break it off. It sucks being single but it sucks even more when you're with someone you don't love or find attractive.

I was reading this manga, and in it this really cute virgin guy has sex with a woman who is not a virgin, and it really squicked me out. I read the chapter an hour ago, and I'm still feeling disgusted by it. Virgin guys should save themselves for virgin women.

I did my makeup for the first time in a while and I feel so ugly. I hate all of it - feeling the pressure to paint my face, and feeling ugly against modern beauty standards when I am healthy and young. A while ago I thought it would be fun to stream a few games that I like to play, but I realized I will never become popular because women need to be pretty to succeed in the public eye.

I've been on the hunt for a full-time job or freelance gigs for a while. The local market is tough without a college degree nor a stellar portfolio for the fields I'm trying to break into. I was a NEET who gave up on myself for a few years. My mental health's stabilized only recently to allow for job-searching outside of my current part-time gig (which is chill and close enough to home to justify the below-average wages).

I'm personable enough during interviews and face-to-face interactions. Friends in similar fields believe in my competence and intelligence. My problem is getting past the screening stage, when all they look at is your CV and portfolio. I'm currently involved in different creative side projects that will take a while to pay off, leaving little room to create smaller pieces for the resume. The freelance options around me are currently saturated. No clients are biting. I'm tired.

If I didn't have the privilege of savings then I'd be forced to return to the wageslave industry that I was in last year, which was my first actual job. I don't regret quitting even if I was due for an internal promotion; shit was toxic. It's just disheartening to get turned down for workshop after months of workshop and ghosted by recruiters/network contacts.

I know that this level of rejection is normal. My litmus for stress is low thanks to NEETdom and never trying to help myself until now. I'd love to get a degree if I could afford it or an intensive mentorship under someone who I could learn from. Sucks that opportunities like that are a pipe dream in this economy, in this mortal coil. I'm reaping what I sowed and tossing assorted seeds like mad over infertile loam.

God I'd like a drink.

>>103948
No. Do push-ups instead.

I don’t understand why I always have this underlying irritation towards other women that varies from indifference to annoyance/anger/envy/hate. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always be the one to cherish and celebrate my girlfriends, but at some point I start to notice the minimum flaws get under my skin. When I’m on public and I see a woman of my age who’s well presented, there’s always this thinly veiled hostility being born inside of me, like she’s “competence”. It’s like female cats: they tolerate to be around each other for some periods of time, but under the surface the hatred it’s boiling. I don’t know if this has to do with my education, my early years, my mother (I have a very good relationship with her btw) or whatever. It’s more like a feeling, not a rational thought. Or maybe that’s what I want to believe. Wish I could erase this layer that separates me and my perception from other women.

>>103950
do you have BPD

>>103953
Never been diagnosed with that. Only insomnia and chronic depression I’m treating well for now.

>>103830
I just broke off my relationship. It just wasn’t for me and I think it was the right decision, but I lost my friend group with the breakup (no hatred, they just were friends with my ex first) and I’ve been feeling a little alone lately because of that and just kinda shitty all week since. I wish I wouldn’t feel this way, because being single is definitely better for me than continuing that in relationship, but either way it’s just been bad for my anxiety and mood

>>104001
Why did you break up?

>>104005
I just ultimately didn’t feel super attracted. They were fun as a friend I suppose but it was clear that they were far, far more interested than I was. I figured it’d be best to put an end to it before it went on too long and someone got hurt

Good christ but i am a loathsome, bitter, incorrigible bitch. I see parents on a flight. Expensive pram. Faux name brand luggage, and Im brimming with inexplicable hate, and disgust. Why am i like this. These are normal people. These people are normal and all i want is to gouge my eyes out so i wont have to look at them. Picture of domestic perfection. One day i will settle into that mold like a prime fucking heffer.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of my misanthropy. I want to enjoy life but i just keep spewing vitriol, unwarranted. A childhood friend of mine is in Harvard medical school. I hate this so goddamn much. I hate who i am. Ive always hated who i was. And always hated that time and circumstance would correct my course, but im worse and worse every day.

Has anyone else lost their early 20s to ptsd? Im talking age 19-22 lost to literally rotting doing nothing but scrolling imageboards, not even playing video games

>>104006
>they
What, was she some "non-binary" moron or something?

>>104025
actually yes, lol. I’m not as gender critical as some nonas on here but I’m not going to lie it probably influenced me losing attraction. I love it when women don’t conform to gender roles but she/they was so extra about it and it was a huge part of her personality - it was just annoying.

>>104017
yeah I did this, because of ptsd from childhood things as well as the pandemic making me borderline agoraphobic. This year I have been coming out of my shell a lot and have started to go to board game shops and making friends and hanging out on the weekends. It’s been hard but rewarding! A lot of the people I have been interacting with are nerdy moids but usually they’re nice enough, I think the fact that they’re shy around women makes them so much more tolerable. There are women there too but I haven’t made any good friends with them so far. Baby steps nona, you will get there you just have to force yourself out in public scenarios and it will get easier over time

YOU HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU HATE AND THE SECOND THEY'RE OUT OF THE ROOM YOU WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT EVERY IMPERFECTION THEY HAVE
WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SOLIDARITY IS THAT
YOU WERE BORN A BITCH AND YOU'LL DIE A BITCH YOU SCUM

I'm having a really bad depression day and I know if I just force myself to get out of bed and make some tea or coffee I'll feel better, but I just don't have the energy to beat it back. There's so much I feel like I should do, celebrate my last few days of true freedom before going back to work but I can't move, can't sleep, can't do anything but lay here and feel as if I'm wasting away

I wish my parents never immigrated to the US. I'm not sure if life would be much better in my homeland, but I know for certain I'm not happy here. At least over there I wouldn't face any racism.

im madly in love with a moid and he is well aware of this fact because i tell him all the time straight up. he knows my feelings very well, thats just our dynamic, but the feeling isnt mutual. he told me he would always love me but “maybe not in the way that i want”. im thankful to be his very close friend but it hurts ive never loved someone before him and i dont think i could love someone after him either. im going to witness him meet a new girl one day snd ill watch him make her his girlfriend and ill watch them get married and hsve kids and its just like damn why did it have to be this way

Thinking up research topics for a thesis is harder than I expected. Hope the idea I had for months isn't going to change further down the line

>mfw jobless brother judges me for not helping our mum with cooking
I won't pretend I'm not a lazy arse but he's literally jobless.

If he really wanted to help her out and take work off her shoulders so she can relax more, he could just take over all the household chores since he's got all the time in the world instead of sitting in front of his computer 90% of the day. He only makes meals for himself and judges me for being a burden on our mum. If he really cared about her, why does he never cook an additional portion just for her? Why does he think it's my responsibility and not his?

>>104047
because your brother is retarded. next time he judges you, you should tear into him for his retardation

>>103830
i’ve been five months clean off of drugs am i’m about to buy drugs again. i’m so disappointed in myself but i just can’t deal with the stress i’ve been going through lately. i’m just self isolating now and hoping i can just get high every few days like i used to. i was managing everything but i’m just at my breaking point today, i was trying to be empathetic towards a friend and i got told off i literally got told off by everyone for “caring too much” are you fucking shitting me. there’s nothing more to it too. god i hate being retarded. either i’m too mean spirited or im too naive and nice. i value my friends more than myself to an unhealthy point all i care about is not losing my friends and then i get told off for that? i just don’t wanna deal with it anymore, i can’t. i literally cannot deal with it anymore

the only thing i can bring myself to do is get high i tried my best to stay clean i feel like a failure.

can you stop making posts where you larp as me venting about being cheated on. im sorry youre so ghetto looking you derive pleasure from stuff like that. seriously move on with your life.

Creepy obsessed neighbours are so gross, people like that should be homeless

I think I've had depression for most of my life and that's why I don't get better.
I remember being really pessimist and hateful as a child, as I teen I used to self harm and be suicidal, I stopped once I leave highschool since that environment was toxic for me and I got better, however there were still moments I wanted to die or hated my body.
I had a good year in college but then pandemic happened and I spent 3 years doing nothing, I have few friends that I rarely see, I've gotten used to never leaving my room or my house, being terminally online, I keep crying really easily, I keep getting sad whenever I think if I'll get a boyfriend or not, I'm still struggling to find a job.
I don't know probably I've never been able to feel better since I don't know how to live without feeling like garbage all the time, I've been to therapy multiple times and I was once medicated as a teen but I don't feel like it did anything to me, every time I think I've gotten over it I have another mental breakdown.

>>104079
Just get more online friends or start using imageboards like this one to socialize.

just embarrassed myself at the register today and spilled my purse everywhere. noone even helped they just stared at me in contempt

>>104080
That's the worst piece of advice you could possibly give.
Imageboard users are nothing but insane lunatics

>>104084
Sounds cute

My mumsnet accounts are CONSTANTLY being deleted, does not matter how good of a citizen I am on there, they remove me in a matter of days.

My crime this time? Posting that I used to model. Mods are jealous and bitter.

sometimes i feel like i'm living life wrong.
like, everything that i should have done in life to get a regular life i just threw it all away, and now it is a lot of hassles to just do the things that give me the regular life i have in my head

When I don't have enough sleep I become irritable, angsty, judgemental and passive aggressive. When I had enough sleep I'm calm and nice. I didn't know why I used to feel bad but I think I found the culprit. Lol

I cant say this shit on r*ddit, and I suspect nonas here are blackpilled enough to know what im talking about so yeah maybe im screaming into the void but i need the catharsis.

For fuck’s sake for fuck’s fucking sake do not let yourself be coerced into a relationship with a brown moid. Do not. These scrotes are trash. They are walking fucking bags of saggy, hairy, semen encrusted flesh. They are soulless husks. They are rats, all of them, who scurry about ruining good women and turning them into their maids. For fuck’s sake every time i see a white girl meekly serving some oompa loompa looking fuck I am filled with such sadness for her. This isn’t a case of “leave our men alone”. This is a case of arab/muslim/brown girls being taught at their mothers’ knees that men are trash and should never be trusted fully. Are white girls devoid of such survival instinct? Fuck. If i see one more girl sopping wet and turning into a housemaid for some neanderthal looking caveman fuck i will rampage.

>>104108
t. moid

>>104108
Pakichan? Is that you?

I feel the same way I felt 10 years ago. I wish things would change. Even with my environment changing for the better, mentally I am still the same. Its agonizing.

>>103834
>want to be a man
>posts on a women's only board
Hmmm…

>>103861
nta but this guy looks like skinny george costanza

>>104115
She would still be biologically female, and thus is still allowed to post here. I’m pretty sure that the mods said that TiFs can post here even if they pass as a boy.

how the fuck do i cope with the fact that the people who did illegal shit against me got away with it? why is any of this shit real life? how do i not hate people.

>play an MMO for 10 years since i love the franchise in general
>reboot akin to what FFXIV got comes out
>while said reboot had problems and have been fixing them (albeit slowly) it's been okay somewhat
>whenever i try to talk with other people about the game it turns into nonstop screeching about no content even though it isnt true or that it doesnt count
>even though the state of the game pre rebooting was actually much worse but people like to memoryhole the shitstorms during that time for some reason
>this is all much worse ever since the game got the global version
>in addition to the nonstop schizophrenia, i have to hear about some tranny community manager they hired from 4chan having beef with some other influencer
>almost everyone else in the community actively hates the game and wont stop playing it, despite the game pretty much working like ff14 where they actively encourage you to not no life if there isnt anything to do/if you dont want to play it for a while
I'm not saying alot of the bitching isn't justified, the game still has massive problems but i'm really annoyed at how you can't really enjoy things without schizophrenic screeching anymore

>>104145
what mmo Nona? those are my fav kind of games

>>104153
Phantasy star online 2 new Genesis. Had played the original PSO2 since closed beta and played PSO1 and phantasy star universe the decade or so prior

Guy I obsess over like a creep has been talking to this cuter woman.

>>104145
huh? as an avid XIV player, how does it encourage you to no-life the game? yoshi-p has long gaps in between expacs so people can take breaks.

>>104170
nta but she said to “not no-life”

Having the worst week of my life. I have 3 exams this week. I had a professor remove 10 marks off of an assignment for “not naming the file properly” but I had no choice but to rename the files because I downloaded the file because she had two files with the same name. Failed a following quiz and I’m just not invested anymore. Two of my other professors are being snarky when I ask questions so I don’t plan on asking any more for the rest of the semester.

My roommates annoy me.
My mom needs to fuck off.
My laptop charger broke and I lost my ID so I had to pay $100 for that and my new job’s opening date got pushed back a month.

I have the urge to talk to her again, but it’s probably for the better. Not like I can reach her right now anyway.

>>104171
holy shit i’m illiterate sorry s

My mom booked me a flight home without asking me again.

I wish my post didn't get deleted. I'm not even sure what rule it broke to deserve deletion.

I think my boyfriend has a thing for a girl that he used to be friends with but I don’t know how to approach it.
It started when he was going to send me something on instagram and I saw her namn pop up and asked who that was. He told me it was an old friend he met on our second date when we went second hand shopping and that she texted him happy easter afterwards.
He also follows her podcast and has liked EVERY picture since easter but hasn’t commented.
He has also hinted at talking about her to his friends when he told me one of his friends told him that she was christian.
It makes me sick to my stomach and it makes me want to cry.

>>104199
He’s also okay with me using his phone so I don’t think he’s hiding anything from me.

My boss brings awesome pastries to the office. I usually bring donuts from down the street. While the two old Hispanic ladies bring terrible mexican cookies. Which half the time are weird knockoff versions of American cookies.

I need to quit reddit. It's compulsive at this point.. the scrolling. Like im so lonely, I'll settle for tap-tap-tapping downwards, downwards, downwards just so I can feel some semblance of connection and community. I despise 80% of the takes that I see. At this point Im motivated by morbid curiosity. BUt it's poisonous. It might feel like im getting dripfed a version of reality by proxy, but that's not what real life feels like and online is hardly a suitable substitute. Besides, it's rife with doompilled fucks now. I do NOT need more cynicism on my plate. It's people venting about the job market and whatnot, but FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE stop trying to construct an overarching outlook on life based on present hardship. "Most people don't make it" some asinine fuck types sagely. And? And? AND? Unless you're going to shoot me in the face after imparting this nugget of wisdom, fucking withhold it. DO you suggest we all just lie in a trench somewhere and do nothing? MY FUCKING CHRIST, you are so wise and bigheaded and smAHT because you recognized that life is le hard and le implacable and le unfair. Fuck you. Ram that doompill up your fissured ass.

Was I wrong to report her for benefits fraud? I know full well that she is feigning a disability to collect benefits.

This particular crime costs the taxpayers £100m per year.

I made an innocent comment during lunch about my childhood dream career being Aviation. I know now as I knew then that it was a pipe dream because I’m vertically challenged. Besides, getting a pilot’s license from a private academy was a money sink, and public aviation cursus required one to sign away their civil rights for a decade and some change in the military. It was just a little fun comment anyways, and I never feel wistful or bitter about it because it was never meant to be.

My mother launches on this tirade about me being so short because I’d spent most of my formative years wasting away at a desk studying and reading. That’s not a sound observation. I’m short because she’s short as was my grandmother as was her mother before her. It’s just genetics. But my mother’s so caught up in this emotional whirlwind, and she concludes “and at the end, your academics didn’t amount to anything.”

This struck me as ludicrous because: A. This is something I would profess about myself because I’m depressed and dissatisfied with my performance and with my life. B. She was the one who pushed me to bury my head in textbooks because she believed in the archaic social mobility model. C. On an objective scale, I did not fail. I graduated on time with a degree and internships and friendships and a network. I did not miss a single milestone. However since she’d always pushed me to excel, the fact that I underachieved is a defacto failure.

I said as much and she just quieted. It bothers me that she can think this way. It’s one thing for ME to think this way, because I can always dismiss these thoughts as irrational depressive rantings. But for her to validate it? It give credence to these tormenting ideas.

Recently I've been feeling like I'm some "perpetually blank slate" human. Even if life isn't a checkbox, there are unarguably checks 99% of people have had checked or should eventually. Some of them off the top of my head would be:

☐ Having a personality - like being interesting to talk to. I'm seeing more people than ever not caring about what I say, who I am, or what I've done. My presence and personal value that was already atomic is now subatomic.
☐ A support network
☐ Decent intelligence, with decent ability to think critically and discuss at least semi-complex topics (I'm graduating college and still won't have this. Embarrassing.)
☐ Romantic and sexual experience. Kinda crazy to think how even most of those more socially inhibited than me have some. I used to be part of a forum full of people with severe social anxiety, where even there most people had some form of real experience - even if just online LDRs. Even most women here seem to have actually dated someone, at some point - even if just some 4chan scrote they've only seen through webcam.
☐ Going off the other point, I absolutely can't form any kind of substantial human connections. I haven't even said anymore more than "Hello" to my roommate since she moved in. I stop talking to anyone I don't see on a consistent, in-person basis. I went from being a person who had a dozen online friends, but no in-person ones, to someone who only ever calls my mom or dad.
☐ Dreams, goals, hobbies. Well I had those too and pursued them relentlessly, but now due to a variety of circumstances ended up screwing myself over because of doing so. I guess I have to be a hamster in a wheel or else it's over.
☐ Independence/mobility, being an adult..even if only in just appearance. I still get driven around everywhere by my family because of not being able to drive. Most of my peers are or have already long permanently moved several towns away. They are or have already long started stable careers. I'm graduating but looking at being unemployed in my field for awhile. Even if I did I'd continue being too non-existant, around peers that have completely decked-out LinkedIn profiles, doing research for professors, being in three different clubs and being VP in at least one, group photos everywhere, "Great job! I know you're going places!" by professors and recruiters in the comments, etc.

Basically, I have just evolved into the ultimate ghost - floating aimlessly, and coming and going with no trace of my existance anywhere. Other than social media's data servers I guess. My only wish was to live averagely yet I can't even manage averagely doing or averagely having any of those. Maybe living so reclusively is some subconscious attempt to hide how shit and dull I am. Because at this point I'm someone who would either just bore someone to tears or cringe at how naive and unintelligent I really am.

>>104217
I didn't realise there were minimum height requirements - I've heard that being too tall is a problem but never being too short.

Also wtf
>Mother is mad because you spent too many years studying and reading (which we all know stunts growth worse than cigarettes)
>Mother is also mad because you (according to her) didn't study enough and get a perfect GPA

That's rough nona. It's normal (I think) to feel like you've "failed" every now and again, that feeling kicks us into action and prevents complacency; it seems like you're aware of this which is good. I'm sorry your mother is using you as an emotional punching bag.

P.S. You write well; I like your choice of vocabulary, and your paragraphs are cogent. I'm sure you know you write well, but hopefully someone validating this thought will bring you a little joy.

>>104229
Don't worry, you're (unfortunately) perfectly normal individual in today's environment. You are however self-aware enough to identify these issues and compare it with how an ideal person should behave. I have fallen down this depressive spell quite a bit by comparing myself to my peers, my friends, on Instagram and social media, how they have better lives and I'm just a background character in someone's else movie. It took a while to realize almost everyone is like this, most spend time on their phones, focuses on meaningless pop culture news, does things only to show off on social media. It's not to justify that "oh everyone is mediocre so why bother trying", its to put you at ease with normalcy - there's nothing wrong with being a blank slate, it means you can fill it however you want.

i spend all my money buying expensive clothes makeup hair bags but its all pointless because i have no friends to go out with and im scared to go out by myself. i wish i could be one of the social girls who go to parties with their friends. i have no idea why people say “university is the best 4 years of your life” because all i do is sit alone at home after class. im in my 2nd year and nothing has changed

There's a very cute boy in uni. I caught him staring at me the first day of class and we locked eyes once in class; he sits a few rows in front of me. I try my best not to stare at him but I like to think he sneaks glances at me sometimes. He makes class a bit more interesting

>>104216
Congrats, you are a certified Karen corpohomo regime enabler! 22 social credits have been deposited to your biometric ID chip. We at shlomocorp know it is a hard decision to sell out your fellow people, so we hope these points will encourage you to continue offering your fealty to US.

>>104216
Taxpayers are the real retards. They enable governments to waste money

>>104238

Thanks. However I do feel the issue goes beyond mediocrity since I mentioned:

>My only wish was to live averagely yet I can't even manage averagely doing or averagely having any of those.

It is hard to explain, but somehow I feel like a being with no thought process, not a single thing or person that ties or grounds me anywhere, no tangible way to have made myself even slightly dissimilar at least in the way everybody else is. I think back to Will Smith's quote (And yes say what you want about him, but it's a good quote) "If you're not making someone else's life better, then you're wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other lives better." I suppose, then, that it's impact I feel like I need. I'm all about pragmatism, so living a pointless life is a huge no. I decided not to go to a prestigous uni, because "didn't need it". I decided I'm not interested in the idea of fame and celebrityhood, because "didn't need it". I decided not to pursue any job choice where my true passions lay because I staunchly believe that passion is overrated and professionally detrimental in its own way. However, I have nothing to show in any other way either. In not being incompetent, in being a charismatic person even if just BS'ing (Which people still care more about that someone that tries to not be seen or heard),

>I'm just a background character in someone's else movie

This is how I've always lived as well. I will surely go out like I was never even alive at all. The only reason I don't an hero is BECAUSE it doesn't make a difference.


>>104230
>That's rough nona. It's normal (I think) to feel like you've "failed" every now and again, that feeling kicks us into action and prevents complacency; it seems like you're aware of this which is good. I'm sorry your mother is using you as an emotional punching bag.

>P.S. You write well; I like your choice of vocabulary, and your paragraphs are cogent. I'm sure you know you write well, but hopefully someone validating this thought will bring you a little joy.

Obviously NTAYRT and know you probably didn't mean it, but just wanted to say this also felt like a slap in the face because I also have a mother who has always used me as an emotional punching bag like anon and, coincidentally, have been told my whole life that I write well. I only ever had this one real skill that I've ever been noticed for, for but now have no where to put it or no one to care either. With how inept I've always been at every little thing, I feel like I will truly only be cursed to look on at the sidelines at people who live the life I want to live or stay silent the moment someone right next to me starts talking about how much they like writing.

Latino men can be very attractive, but most of them are ghetto misogynistic trash. There are no respectable males in my family except for my uncles that come from an older generation where they respect their wives, love their children, work hard and love to cook. Too bad they sacrificed so much for their sons only for them to turn out to be misogynistic pedo scum that will never amount to anything. It's hilarious watching my male cousins get older, bloat, still live with their parents and never getting married lmao. They deserve it. I wish much luck to my female cousins tho

>>104259
Do you feel an emptiness inside as like nothing has happened in your life, nothing to show for, and nothing is gonna happen ever? Feelings of wasted potential, forgotten dreams, living without a purpose… Like you have not grown at all in years, while the rest of the world moves ahead, and you're left behind. Not even moving forwards but regressing inside yourself (used to have friends but now can't even have conversation with your roommate). Its when days blend one onto next into a bland routine and nothing's changed, you haven't mattered at all. To anyone, or anything. I've had feelings like them, sometimes strong, some days they mellow out, but the feeling's there. Sometimes it feels why even bother trying, I have nothing to add to someone's day, nothing meaningful to talk or even contribute a work. Im useless and even if I try I'm only a bother to others. Merely a shadow existing without fruition.
>I staunchly believe that passion is overrated
I wonder how you got this thinking. Is it from the hobbies you used to pursue? Pragmatism is good but you can't live on logic alone.

>>104267

>Do you feel an emptiness inside as like nothing has happened in your life, nothing to show for, and nothing is gonna happen ever? Feelings of wasted potential, forgotten dreams, living without a purpose… Like you have not grown at all in years, while the rest of the world moves ahead, and you're left behind.

Yes. There have been times I've been taken aback thinking about how radically different my life had become, just from things like moving from place A to B and from school A to B, but I've spent the last several years in the same town, in the same musty apartment room and school. Just going to class, work, and back. And yet throughout that time my stepbrother and cousin have both gotten married and had children, I lost both my maternal grandparents and my last living paternal grandparent, the friend that used to be closest to me in high school got engaged, etc. I remain in one place but still end up feeling the weight of transience around me.

There's an important milestone I should be approaching soon, my graduation, and I have no plans to either attend my ceremony or even so much as take a photo. Or do literally anything to immortalize it, other than just grab my degree and leaving. That's what I did in high school (No yearbook or senior trip either, despite literally 99% of my graduating class getting one and going on one) and that's what I'll likely do now. Even if I've worked 10x as hard for my degree than I ever did for my diploma. To be fair, I'm far from sentimental and don't really like "celebrating" anything. Not even my own birthday. Just one night ordering a bunch of Mexican food and watching TV, and I'm good. Though I do sometimes wish I could treat the fruit of my efforts better…I move through life so apathetically at this point that no success feels like any success. I probably haven't been "happy" since I was 6 years old. If I won the lottery, I'd probably just go to sleep and then forget about it.

>I wonder how you got this thinking. Is it from the hobbies you used to pursue? Pragmatism is good but you can't live on logic alone.

Yes. All these:

>Creative Writing
>Translating
>Languages in general
>Philosophy

have no real future. At least not by themselves. Yet coincidentally are the only things I would have been passionate in, for a post-secondary education. I know I can live by having them as a hobby and I've realized I don't really mind having them as more than that though, so I think it's okay. I have interest in the STEM field I'm in too, and am not wholely bored by it, but I'll just never be one of those people to go so far as be passionate about it. My mind is pragmatic, but it's not exactly logically-wired as the one of someone who is meant for STEM.

I’m a lesbian. I only recently came to terms with this in my mind about a week ago after being in denial about it for about 2 years. I’ve forced myself to like men for so long but I can’t hide how I feel anymore. surprisingly, my dad is quite supportive of gay people and him and my older brother have always suspected that I’m lesbian but my mum on the other hand has told me before that if I was ever lesbian she’d be disappointed because to her it’d mean I wouldn’t be able to have biological kids meaning she wouldn’t have grandchildren when that isn’t true at all. It terrifies the fuck out of me honestly, I don’t want to have to hide who I am but I also don’t want to be a disappointment to my mum. but I also think it’s so unfair and selfish to only think about yourself and what you want instead of your daughter when it’s literally her life. I can’t keep forcing myself to like men either, every time I picture myself being romantic with a man I just cringe.

i really want to get a new job. but the workplace bullying i experienced at one of my old jobs and the overall experience of working fast food has made me afraid of getting a new job. i know i won't be able to focus 100% at a job because i have lupus and i'm a full time STEM student.
i was considering a stocking job or something like that but i'm honestly afraid of being a fuck-up. my confidence is beyond repair.

I graduated like a year ago with a computer information science degree, and I still haven't found a job yet. It's my own fault, I never took any internships and I don't have any real work experience out side of class, but I was supposed to graduate during the height of covid and I couldn't find any internships. I feel like I fucked my whole life up. It genuinely feels like there aren't any jobs to apply to that aren't looking for people with years of experience. I wrote my resume to talk myself up but in interviews I always bomb the shit out of them. Am I really so retarded?
My mom told me I should probably just find a retail job for now and I think she's right, but I don't wanna apply for retail because to me it feels like once I go into retail I'm never coming out of it. I know that's not necessarily true but I can't believe any of this happened. I even applied for low level office jobs. I can't find anything right now. I'm so ashamed of myself, I kinda wanna throw myself in the river. I know that sounds like shitty suicidebaiting but Idk how else to desrcibe this feeling. Is this all I've been fighting for? I fought 25 years of my life to get good grades despite my poor health, I fought to go to school through abhorrent sexual harassment and harassment from my peers, just so I could go work at a department store? Why didn't I drop out when I was sixteen? Why did I test to get into a good state school? Why did I fight for this? Who am I fighting for? I don't have any boyfriend I wanna move in with or get married to. I don't have any kids. I don't have any goals in life. Have I really just been fighting for myself? But I don't give a shit about myself. Why did I do all this work? I know it was so I could make a 'comfortable living', but I don't even have anything I want.
I know that if I'm thinking like this, it should be no big deal, just go back to working at mcdonalds like I used to inbetween semesters but… I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I really am just a lazy piece of shit. Maybe the reason I haven't found a job is because I've been secretly self-sabotaging. Maybe I've been looking for a reason to give up. I don't think this was the reason a few months ago. A few months ago I was trying my heart out. But I'm so tired. I just wanna give up on everything. I'm fighting and fighting but I don't even know why I'm fighting. What for? I'd be fine even if they used my organs for dog food or something. I just don't wanna keep fighting to barely stay alive.

>>104280
so you'll get a retail job for now. then, when you find an entry level office job, you can quit the retail job. then, you'll find a job more adjacent to your degree. you might have to work your way up over time, but that doesn't make you a failure.

It's against the rules, yet I wish I could vent about racism. There's already so few places where I can talk about my feelings and struggles, so it's frustrating I can't vent about a big issue in my life.
Although, if discussions about race weren't banned, there would be a lot of racism on cc too, so it wouldn't be much better.

>>104283

i'm really sorry you can't vent about your experiences with racism anon :( i hope you're able to find a safe space where you're allowed to vent about it. if i ever find somewhere you're able to vent about this i will let you know <3

>>104275
im so sorry nona
i understand your pain and my mom has said the same thing in regards to me being a lesbian. if u havent already, i think you should speak to her if you can (and its safe to do so). she’ll eventually get over it if she truly cares about you, which im sure she does. you can also always reassure her that there are other options and that may make things play out smoother/give her time to settle into the idea of not having biological grandkids, even if you dont intend on having any at all. no matter what though, u deserve love and happiness and you are no less worthy for being lesbian and/or not having children. <3

>>104280

I did a Software Engineering internship, convinced it was going to help me on the job search later, and it isn't. Granted I got a return offer from it that I didn't take, so maybe that's why, but so didn't alot of people I'm seeing that did the internship with me and they're finding other places…

>I feel like I fucked my whole life up. It genuinely feels like there aren't any jobs to apply to that aren't looking for people with years of experience. I wrote my resume to talk myself up but in interviews I always bomb the shit out of them. Am I really so retarded?

That's how I feel too. I am getting to online assessments occasionally but I can't pass those because it's like I've forgotten to code at all. Right now I know that's what's standing between the way of me and an offer, but the good thing is that's something less personality-driven and more study-driven. I'm planning to work on projects to pad my resume, too. If you're in the same boat, we just have to "hobby" this too for awhile.

>>104280
You've been lied to. It first happened with gen y that achieving people became rejects not that often though and it continues with zoomers. You will not gracefully glide into your career. It will be a fuckfest hell. You're not at fault though. Don't blame yourself for it. Bear your fate because you're just one lucky incident away to turn it. Keep it up like she is doing >>104293 If her ways don't work for you then do something else that works for you.

It's been bugging for me awhile, I feel like one of my friends has turned into an asshole. He expressed disinterest in talking to me almost the entire time after we graduated high school and while attening the same university, then suddenly called me a few months back to extend a job offer because I'm a woman and his company was looking for a diversity hire. He even invited me to hang out, but again, this sudden behavior has come off really suspicious… And I can't help but feel there is a subtle obnoxiousness in the way he communicates now. I can't quite put my finger on it, but he kind of seems to talk like a prick. He asks me repeated questions to things I've already answered, just gave me a "😅" for telling him I don't drive, still doesn't show genuine interest in talking with me.. All signs of narcissists I've dealt with repeatedly. With them, there was also always this nagging feeling like I was being covertly looked down on and laughed at even, from the most minor remarks they would make. And he used to be a really nice guy in high school, so it's a shame if he's turned into one of those.

i went back to live with my parents and my suicidal thoughts are getting more intense day by day and i'm always acting hysterical and am always mad

>>103830
Anyone here had success leaving their 3rd world shithole? I really want to go to university but it's so expensive here and the public ones keep making protests because the government never pays the teachers so everyone ends up graduating 6-8 years after getting in. I can't leave my house with my phone because someone will steal it, I can't dress well because someone will attack me and steal my shoes, jacket, etc. The whole country has a mentality that if you get robbed it was your fault, because you can't just exist, you need to pay attention to everything everywhere you go in order to prevent getting robbed/killed/raped. I live in a small town and the city next to me ranks top 50 most dangerous cities in the world, and it's gotten 'better' because before that it landed in the top 5. I feel like there is no hope for me and I can't escape from here. I just want to at least be able to listen to music with headphones at the park without the constant fear of getting robbed. If anyone was in thw same situation and was able to get out please share your experience, I really need hope right now

>>104302
South America?
I feel for you.
One way to do it is to go full weeb (Japan or any other country you want to go to). Learn the language aggressively, make friends over there (online games is a good way), take the official language test, join the newsletters and cultural events organized by the embassy, lurk the expat community for jobs and events etc. And look up ways to join university over there (mostly free in Europe).
It's a 1 to 2 year plan.

>>104302
Nordeste?
Anyways, I have a few relatives that live in NA (Canada and the US), they moved more than a decade ago and most of them have a degree. The ones who don't married their way in.
The guy who's living in Netherlands is a married engineer, he did an interview in English and they hired him, got him a visa and everything, that's not really easy.
Sincerely, I'd say your best shot is yes, going to public university, it's not as bad as it seems, yes, it's much worse if it's humanities, obviously. The thing is applying for grad school overseas. I can't explain this because it depends on your university, your professors, and you need to be also a good student and try starting research as early as possible (here it's straightforward and most are not interested). As about what nona said above, there's MEXT that you can apply to do research in Japan, but it's not really that easy.

>>104304
Thank you so much for your advice and yes I live in South America (L). I don't play videogames but I'll give it a try since it sounds like a good idea to immerse myself in the language, do you have any recommendations? I would like to learn German and I've been trying by lurking on r/de and using the Google translator lol. I know it sounds impractical but that's mainly how I taught myself English. Also I doubt it's going to be possible for me to join an European university since I did very bad in school, I had to repeat a year, my grades were so bad I graduated highschool barely scrapping by, etc.

>>104306
South America :( and no, you're right. It's going to be hard but in the end it's not so bad. There is this exam here that is like the SATs and I had a mediocre score but it's good enough to get me into public university. I'm starting a new job in October that pays two minimum wages and a little more so I'm thinking of saving up to move to the city the university I'm going to apply to is at. I never considered overseas grad school but you're so right! It's such a good idea and another reason for me to go to university. Thank you sm<3

>>104288
thank you nona!! I’m planning on coming out to my dad first since he is way more supportive than my mum. and hopefully when I come out to my mum, my dad will talk to her and help her to understand. I hope your mum has gotten over it too and if not I hope both of our mothers are eventually able to finally accept us for who we are :) all the love to you <33

>>104213
Are you doing ok nona?

>>104299
I wish I had words to help you . I hope your day's go better soon.

>>104317
I'm depressed. The depression has fucked with my attention span. I've picked terrible habits to cope with the sudden, unpredictable surge of darkness crippling my perception. When that chasm opens my propensity for rotting away is the default mode. Cognitively it's worse. I hop from thought to thought scattered, disorganized. Do you know the executive process? You have a problem. You observe, analyze, research, construct careful proto-conclusions, build a solution, carry it out. Simple. Primordial. I don't have that. I mean I had that. Now I don't.
I'm like a wagon, perpetually entrenching itself deeper in the mud. When you're in a depressive episode, and your brain slows down, and colors look muted, and you could barely stand your own presence, and you just yield to the comforts of the internet, and your brain (already retarded) oxydises itself into the mold of retardation that would render you incapable even of remembering a basic formula from FUCKING KIDDIE ALGEBRA WHICH YOU'D APPLIED A MILLION TIMES SINCE YOU WERE 12.

i talked to my ex yesterday, we had been hanging out for like two weeks. it started when he asked me to talk because he needed to get some things off his chest, just, about how he never felt enough and things like that. we started arguing but were able to make up, few days later he kissed me, we started seeing eachother more and talked about trying again. but then i got really drunk at a party and he wanted to take care of me, and he couldnt, he started acting mean and it was just messy. the next day he came to my house and apologized, which was something i didnt expect from hik, we ended up arguing and saying its better if we stop trying, then we agreed on waiting a bit more before stopping. butesterday we pu an ending to it. he said he couldnt take care of me and that he came back impulsevely. he actually apologized, for a lot of things, which i didnt expect, it was new of him. its a shame it didnt work out again. it feels like going throught the break up all over again.and i cant help but feel extreme yearning, all of my feelings for him came back like whiplash and just as quick im having to grieve all over again.

>>104302
You can also find an Italian or an Irish grandparent in your genealogy. Some countries don't require more than that to give citizenship, and if you get it, you can access the whole European Union.

I hate that everything I enjoy and want are things that society tells me aren’t what I should be doing.

Oh you like to dress comfortable and hate makeup? You will be seen as a tomboy at best and a lazy pothead at worst. You enjoy your job with kids and don’t want to get a college degree? Enjoy poverty. Oh you aren’t religious? Sucks to suck I guess your parents are gonna cut you off.
There’s no sense in yelling about it I know. But fuck, I’m just trying to be happy and life seems to punish me for not conforming at every turn. I just want to live my life, I abhor how much other people care about the “”status quo””

>>104302
Sounds like Argentina. Italy basically gives citizenship like candy. Check if you have at least 1 italian grandparent or great grandfather. You would be surprised.

>>104319
I've been there. I empathize with you. I too detest the emotional upheaval depressive thoughts bring. You can't consent to contemplation, the need to extricate and extract is inevitable and what you glean from your ruminations can never exist as something cohesive, it always presents itself as a separate unit, divorced from the greater whole. You begin to feel like a leaf in the wind.

But it's going to be alright, there were times in my life where I was quite close to ending it all, I had no friends, no family and no relationships that I could look upon and consider worth salvaging.

That wagon analogy is quite pertinent, it never does feel like you'll get out of the mud. It's like every value you worked hard to attain, every pure emotion you felt, its all being sucked into this uncaring, ceaseless void. Your point on algebra is something I feel deep in my heart, I'll sometimes forget properly express myself in my native language, I forget where I live or what route to take despite having traveled through these roads a million times myself. It's tiring and the consistent gauntlet of failures depletes your desire to make something of yourself. I hate it, I hate it so much. But everyday I force myself to hold onto one positive thought. Something that isn't contaminated by my rigorous armchair psychoanalysis and that carries me over for the day.

Reading helped a great deal. Having to mentally follow the thought process of another person allowed me to escape this wretched shell of poisonous introspection and begin to mediate on things that were outside my own realm of experience. I don't mean to talk down to you, when you've gone through similar emotions you feel compelled to help another, even if its means restating things they already knew. I hope you get better nona, I am rooting for you.

>>104324
Thanks but no white ppl in my family so I can't go for that route sadly. I think my only way out is education even though it takes too long and if I'm lucky I'll graduate when I'm like 25 lol

I’m sick of troons being in every woman centric space. I’d like to not have to see them or have to read about their forcing their fetishes onto others.

I've been feeling pretty bad about my appearance lately. I just want to look presentable but it's a such a struggle and not to mention a money sink. Skincare and treatments cost a lot. Getting nails done every two weeks costs a lot. Maintaining curly hair costs a lot. Clothes are so fucking expensive now. I don't even shop from designer brands but a fucking shirt from Uniqlo is somehow $40 now.

>>104332
Are you talking AFK or on screen?

>>104345
both, but more online than in real life. I ahead an episode a while back and had to go to a mental health facility. they put me in what was supposed to be the women’s side but there was an AGP patient sitting there watching all the women there.

>>104274
Congratulations on your upcoming graduation nona! Even if you don't feel like it, its an achievement with many more to come forward. It's only a start to the new wide world. You may tie up some few ends in your college. Maybe meet up with your roommate and say "Hey sorry we never talked a lot but thank you for all these times, you gave me assurance that someone is with me". It's awkward for sure, but it would give you (and your roommate) some closure to your time together.

I kinda get the feeling like the changes in your life are happening to you, as opposed to you actively making that change happen. Everybody needs some agency in life, something to make them feel as a part of this world. Some would say it's "validation" as if it's a bad thing (its only bad when you start chasing it) but it's a needed stimuli.

The hobbies you mentioned have a degree of creative thinking. Like a bit on logical pathfinder and a bit of emotion flair . But what you said is true - theres no career on them. They help in various ways in other applications.

>Never wanted to celebrate my birthday. Just Mexican food
Well that's a celebration in itself. It's normal to grow out of birthdays, but, please don't take it the wrong way, I'm feeling as though you haven't experienced a celebration (big or small) and slowly hardened into not celebrating anything. It's one thing to have celebrations in past and have realized their pointlessness, and another to have been deprived and defining them as pointless. I don't know if that's how it came to be, I'm just throwing stuff that comes to my mind.

>>104280
The job market has been decimated for years. Recruiters have no idea how to hire the correct person for a job and just list out insane requirements to filter out candidates. Its also why compsci put every software as an experience in their resume. Don't worry and don't stop trying. You might have to job hop a lot before you land on a good place.

>It's about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane, angry, and hurt your feelings.
I'd rather kms than live that life.

>>104360
This. Also she should lie on her resume and say she has two years intern experience. Write a friend's phone number as your referral, get them to lie on your behalf and you lie on theirs. This way you avoid having to do 700+ days of unpaid labour.