/feels/ - Advice & Venting

i talked with a guy who was telling me he loved me and hinting at a relationship for the past year, but never wanted to commit.
today he apologized for mistreating me and juggling two girls at once. apologized for having a different girl around when he was inviting me over.
its such a shit and complicated situation because i feel like we progressed way past the "just friends" point after the weird girl situation. and i really, really, really want him to commit to me. to what we have.

these are the terms i agreed on and i regret it terribly, but i'm so scared of losing what we have and what we were building for the past year or whatever. i know time doesn't really matter, but God i poured my heart and soul into this man. into hoping this would BE something.

> what i can offer you for now is: belief that i will not look around and a promise that when we're close (distance wise) you're the only one i will be having around, and i will not screw around because you are enough for me.
> BUT !! (literally wrote it like this.)
> i cannot promise you that i wont kiss some other girl drunk in a club
> OR
> that i randomly meet a girl and fall in love
> in both cases, if it happens, you will know

i asked him if there was space here that implies that in the near future we DO end up together. and his response?

> as much as the chance that we live and work in the same city
my response: which is totally possible
him: > it is not.
my response: so we will never be together?
him: > it doesnt mean that.

??? what am i supposed to think. i feel terrible. i feel torn apart. i want to scream into the void until my throat gives out and i exhaust myself just to rest and get some peace for once. i'm so lost and sad.

he continues:
> i think a likely scenario is the one where we say that we will be together for so long that at one point we just adapt our lives to force the distance to close.
i pointed out how thats just a paraphrase for "we will decide we want to live together and be together"
to which he responded: > thats at least 3 years minimum for me
which works for me, since i'm still studying.

i hate that i agreed to the terms. i feel like i deserve more. i wish this was a larp but it isn't. this could've ended so much worse, but i can't take being lonely right now. i can't take losing that thing we already made happen. he also said that at one point he was ready to just start bullshitting and saying whatever to keep me close, but he thought that was unfair. so he told me how it is.

i just want to be happy for once with something to hold onto and actually believe in. this is something i can't tell anyone. i lost most of my friends, i spend my days quite lonely so hanging out with him in calls and games and his friend group (which he says i can tell that we're together) literally saves me.
i am full of dread. i feel like this is going to be something that ends up killing me.

please, anyone reading, reach out. i need help. i don't know what to do.
i've been in one relationship that lasted 3 years, never messed around with guys… i keep my n-count low, i have high values, and this feels like a line i shouldn't have crossed. i'm scared for my future. i'm scared of getting hurt again, even though what we have is nice.

if anyone wants the full story, how it started, what happened… please let me know.

if all else fails i'm going to therapy. i'm scared.
will i ever know?