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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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How to avoid SA Anonymous 106343

How can women avoid SA when hanging out with male friends, dating, or overall just living life.

Anonymous 106346

I tried and failed but I did learn that if you act more like a "man" than them, they will be turned off.
Tomboyish but with a little bigotry and many subtle references to how degenerate moids.
That did keep them at bay, but I got weak and overshared my feelings. Don't have feelings and be prepared to k*ll one if you have to.

Anonymous 106358

you can't. it might sound sick but it's true and listing out ways to "avoid sa" only end up with people saying things like "she was too scantily clad." It will always be weaponized against victims. SA is about power and control and we live under patriarchal oppression. I'm sorry .

I'd say like learn self defence but it might not help you if your abuser is someone you have some kinda emotional connection to or have experienced emotional abuse that leaves you confused and gaslit about how to act, especially since rape is statistically most likely someone you know, family, partners, friends… I'm super sorry, nona. The statistics for women experiencing SA are high and extreme for a reason, because it isn't about some arbitrary breaking of rules but structural power between groups of people.

Anonymous 106368

>carry pepper spray and a gun
>don't black out around strangers
Not that hard, nona.

Anonymous 106403

I don’t think it’s possible
The way to prevent rape is stop raping
So yeah

Anonymous 106417

Always have witnesses around and I guess you kind of have to carry yourself in a confident but kind of unapproachable way. I keep a 5 foot distance between myself and random men in public places to avoid being covertly groped (yep got groped at a grocery store as a teen). Avoid work that involves working alone with men. I used to be very shy and overly nice. When I leave the house my brother almost always goes with me. Any male friend must be friends with my brother and he comes to ALL hangouts. I wish I didn't have to do all this but I always hear horror stories and my person experiences have led me to do all this.

Anonymous 106468


Anonymous 106596

i used to think it was possible to avoid it

Anonymous 106602

I don't think it's possible to completely avoid but don't be alone with men, don't accept things from men, don't make friends with men (they can't be friends with women anyway), don't get with a guy who shows red flags, and always have some kind of backup or escape plan.

Anonymous 106650

don't hang out with male friends and don't date. your welcome

Anonymous 108542

bump because i want to be safe :(

Anonymous 108762

This video is specifically about how men can avoid being raped by other men in prison, but I think that the advice they give can also help women living outside prison avoid assault.
-Be wary of men who try to get to know you too fast
-Favors/gifts are not free
-Limit time spent together, specifically in intimate or 1-on-1 settings
-Don't allow or prompt physical affection
-Don't over-confide or share personal details

I can't really give advice on how to deal with dating but for men you want a platonic relationship with these are some other takeaways:
-Don't discuss sex
-If you have to ask for a favor (even a work-related one), or are forced to accept one, be sure to show platonic appreciation via something simple like equivalent favor back
-Be kind but don't treat them too special
-(When enforcing boundaries) keep criticisms short, direct, and factual; they won't listen to anything emotional for very long

I think some of the replies about not ever spending time with men are unrealistic, it's not always possible to control who you work with, and anyways everyone has to learn to socialize with the opposite sex to some degree. The most important thing in dealing with men is to 1) have clear boundaries and 2) practice setting them. This is the sort of thing that just takes time and experience. I don't know that any women ever completely loose the fear of being assaulted, but thinking about what you can do about it can help, provided you don't dwell on hypotheticals too hard. At 30 I still live with a degree of uneasiness around men, but I find that as long as I keep them at arms length without shunning them completely I can manage my unease.

Anonymous 108763

This is extremely well written!

Anonymous 108771

Rape is merely a hyponym of SA you fucking idiots.

Anonymous 109048

Gain weight. You'll never be harrassed again.

Anonymous 109051

>tfw i realize women must adhere to prison mentality in their daily life just to keep themselves physically safe

Anonymous 109056

You don't know anything, lol.

Anonymous 109085

i know im replying to a month old post now, but being tomboyish does not protect you from SA. happened to me when i was dressing like a man, super short hair, hair on legs and armpits. it doesn't protect you. i hate it here. (i know you said it's not foolproof, but i dont know. felt like replying either way)

Anonymous 109098

Actually hang yourself like actually

Anonymous 109099

Gaining weight worked for me. 160 -180 lbs is like the perfect weight.

Anonymous 109101


This is all good, nice research, some additional stuff my bf told me about this (He is VERY worried that I would be harassed, a lot more than I do).

To deter strangers on you way to work or generally outside:
No eye contact when you walk around, in the bus or wherever, be on you way when you move, and fast.
Be visibly unavailable, with a headset and read something.
If anyone is trying to talk to you and you have to remove your headset to talk, make sure you are off-putting from the get-go and semi-aggressive, that person is disturbing you.
Wear a wedding ring, whether you are married or not, make sure it is visible.
He never told me anything about clothes but I believe because he doesn't want me to change the way I dress, not sure if it is because he likes it and/or doesn't want this to overwrite my self image. I am sure it should be addressed somehow.
Keep pepper spray handy AT ALL TIME (he puts a great deal of emphasis on this point).

At work, or in social settings with people who are not total stranger with who you have to/want to talk out of common interest:

The goal is not only to keep them from hoping anything might happen, but to brand in their minds that it is in fact unthinkable and to be forgotten forever.

The general rule is to be somewhat of a contrarian, you are the one setting the boundaries so making them clear is your prime goal: For instance, he wants to be more colloquial, react by being more formal. His reaction should be that he tells 'oh don't be formal with me, we are friends/co-workers blah blah blah', and then you visibly ignore it by keeping it formal.
If you can do that looking straight into his eyes without smiling, it will throw a chill down his spine.
Be always a level colder than him, he is cordial and smiling when he greets you, then be equally cordial but don't smile, while not stepping to him, stay away.
It works all the better if you greet other girls at the same time, and that he sees that you are much more pleasant and close with them.

Augment physical distance when talking to them. Have a sharp tone when you do and speak distinctly, as the other poster said, keep it to facts. Of course any unwarranted physical contact has to be outed to the manager/supervisor/rest of the team, ASAP, or else he will get more and more daring, but most of you should know that already.

The best thing about this is that there are nice moids out there, who will get the cue, and after a few weeks, or months you can lower your guard a bit and share more while keeping them at bay.

To do that talk about your bf/husband(real or not),talk about how great he is (real or not), and how much better he is than the moid that would potentially be holding feelings for you. Put an emphasis on physical achievements, discipline and social status, it will hit so many nerves in him as he will not be able to not compare himself to the things you tell him about your bf, especially if you know for a fact he doesn't hold a candle to these standards.

It is like a long test, you set the pace and if he does not step over any limits you set, then you can get closer, but in that setting you are the one expected to make the move.

Fun fact, when my bf got hired to his new place of work the whole team were girls, and he is very formal by nature (because of the army and his social awkwardness I guess). The team manager of course was a girl too, everyone were talking in a very colloquial way with each other prior to his arrival, that was the standard. As he was overly formal compared to general way they unusually interacted, he was told by every member, individually get more familiar with them within the first weeks. By every member but the boss. It took more than six months so that she finally told him to just be as colloquial as everyone. I think she did that to toy with him to see if he would slip up and take the liberty by himself to address her in a more familiar manner. The thing is that during these first 6 months there was strange conversations where every member of the team would address the boss in a laid back way and only he would be quite formal.

I still do not know what to think of it, I work with some of these girls now, not with the boss though, I have never met her.

Anonymous 109261

i know this is old af, but i be alert around men, look for potential red flags and keep them in mind. if they continue, get away from them asap

Anonymous 109263

What the fuck are you talking about?

Anonymous 109335

Didn't work for me. Still got SA'd.

Anonymous 109354

It’s been months and you’re still trying to talk miners into getting fat? Either fatty with horrible self esteem trying to bring down other women or moid with a fetish.

Anonymous 109355

I honestly just avoid men unless they are gay. It's easy because I'm a lesbo. Other than that, I think you have to do the typical stuff like not accepting any drinks from men, not getting drunk around men, not being alone with men. Stay in public spaces around lots of people and always make sure you're with women too. There's no real way to avoid it other than just avoiding them.

Anonymous 109617

38. spcl

Anonymous 109633


Nona , I just want to say thank you so much for the cat image. I've had a bad day that's somewhat similar to the thread , thank you so much. God bless you. <3

Anonymous 110629

hate this defeatist ideology. SA isn't random, there are patterns to it. the emphasis is always on BIG PERCENTAGE OF WOMEN GET SA, when the side women should be looking at is the percentage that is never victimized, which is the vast majority. this "muh victim blaming" shit is counterproductive to the max. don't tell women who are NOT victims yet that SA just happens and they shouldn't bother taking any defensive measures.
to the best of your ability avoid all kinds of lowlifes and the areas they inhabit (poor neighborhoods) and frequent (clubs, festivals). avoid being outside alone after midnight. avoid being drunk in public. avoid creepy guys even if, or especially if they are family members. avoid running into that ex-boyfriend who was a little rapey and feels entitled to get handsy because he had your permission years ago. the list goes on and on. yes, it's not encouraging for women who happen to live in garbage poor neighborhoods for instance, or live under the same roof as a creepy uncle. but it is the right message regardless. keep trying to get out of there!

Anonymous 110647

don't go anywhere alone with a man or group of men. do not discuss sexual topics ever. be wary of overly nice men. you can't control other people's behavior but you can control when to enter/exit a social situation.
what a load of shit. scrotes still sexually harass fat/disabled/ugly women and then when they speak up they get told they're lying because "you're too ugly for that to happen". kys scrote.

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