>>106964I get you, I really do. After you lost the first one… There's this wretchedness you feel. You want to curl up and swallow yourself; you beat yourself hoping that maybe someone notices you're suffering. I… I can only say I've felt that hopelessness, yet I no longer empathise with it (sorry).
The badness subsides. Sadly you never get the goodness that you once felt. There are small sparks, maybe it will come back again. I hope so. The one I loved doesn't exist anymore; they're someone else now. I loved who they were, but God knows what they are (I don't love
that).
I feel apathy towards life. I don't want to die though. I'll die when it comes. There are people who need me. Five years ago I was a loser, no one knew who I was, but now there are people who need me to be alive. I can't say it feels good to know that, but helping them and seeing them smile makes the apathy worth it.
Who am I to judge you? I romanticise the slow suicide sometimes; alcohol quiets the mind and I feel powerful. The desire for fast suicide goes away. Things are good at the moment. Life is mostly good, even if the love you had is gone.
