Ive been day drinking again not sure if this makes sense but hear me out Anonymous 109249
Before I thought that I am the way that I am because of what happened to me throughout my life. I am a “product of circumstances” outside of my control but my reality is that I was born this way. From the very beginning I was wired in a way that would shape all my experiences differently than most
That doesn't bother me as much. I can live with it. I can live with the strangely timed misfortunes that seem to follow me and still be happy. I internalize everything that happens to me and besides the occasional spell of self imposed isolation you wouldn't know anything was bothering me. I'm more bothered by the fact that no one ever wanted me around- I don't even know why I'm speaking in past tense, I'm stuck here- my entire life.
I've never been wanted.
My parents didn't want me. None of my friends or partners ever wanted me for long. Every single person I meet no matter the relationship or experiences, regardless of everything I do for them. They want me gone.
For awhile I tried, half heartedly, to disappear completely. still theres no such thing as a clean break.
No one enjoys my company. No one has ever loved me. And I love everyone Ive ever known. I frequently fantasize about someone suffocating me to death. I just wish that someone hated me enough to do it instead of just waiting till I go away on my own. But I'm still here. Separated, injured, but still here.
I ask, bewildered, “I don't know what I've done?” But I know exactly what I've done, I know exactly who I am. I know exactly how unlovable I am.
Anonymous 109253
>>109249You are the women of your life, you are not much, but that's everything you have.
Nobody can love you if you don't love yourself.
Self pity and self harm dont work, I have extensive experience on this subject.
Anonymous 109255
>No one enjoys my company
I'd have a drink with you nona.
Anonymous 109266
viv1.png
>From the very beginning I was wired in a way that would shape all my experiences differently than most
>I internalize everything that happens to me and besides the occasional spell of self imposed isolation you wouldn't know anything was bothering me.
>My parents didn't want me. None of my friends or partners ever wanted me for long. Every single person I meet no matter the relationship or experiences, regardless of everything I do for them. They want me gone.
>No one has ever loved me. And I love everyone Ive ever known.
Anon, I don't know how I dug it out, but your words reminded me of something I have read on a spirituality blog. Everything I quoted here from your post are things the woman behind the blog talked a lot about - it's like she could've written this post herself.
I will share a few of her posts here, you will see for yourself. I don't know whether you will find comfort, reassurance, understanding or solid advice in her words, but if there are two people suffering from similar circumstances, there is value in hearing each other out.
Anonymous 113480
I've also felt unwanted many times in my life. My first boyfriend at 20 broke up with me by simply moving away and cutting contact.. lol.
Now that I'm in a healthy place, I can say that the less you think of yourself, the less people will think of you. I've found that asserting yourself and setting your own boundaries make people respect you more.. usually. Unless they have their own stuff going on with insecurity.
Anonymous 113481
Also, I loved Angel's Egg as well .. :)
