Don't "feel" like a woman (or a man) Anonymous 111965
God, I hate wording it that way, but I don't know how else to express it. I've felt the same way since around 12 to today at 21.
I think masculine women are really cool, but thinking of myself that way feels wrong. Outside of any social desires to not be a man or a woman, I also feel like my internal "body map" is screwed up or something. Accidentally brushing againts my boobs freaks me out every time, like it's not meant to be there. My hips are like that to a lesser degree, and I don't look at my genitals much but when I do I get that same uncanny weirded out feeling. Like a reverse phantom limb. Seeing my chest under a shirt makes me uncomfortable too, and although I've got a "good" body, it's part of why I don't wear tight shirts and I usually compress my chest in public (not harshly, not uncomfortable enough to sacrifice health). I don't love how feminine parts of my face look, but that's more personal preference rather than the gut instinct weird feeling I get from my sex characteristics.
I love my life and my friends and family. I don't have autism. I've never experienced any trauma. I've never hated my body. I'm staunchly feminist and I feel like I have less internalized misogyny than a lot of women. I don't know what else could cause this.
Being "non-binary" doesn't make sense to me either, because although I don't think there's such a thing as a male/female brain, the social reality is that there is no third gender catagory. They are just viewed as men/women trying to be something else. I've got lots of friends of both genders, but I still feel "othered" from groups of just women or just men.
It's so stupid, and I try not to think about it, but it's like it's always nagging in the back of my mind. I feel like I'm not my "true self" but there's also no way to be my "true self." I feel stuck in limbo, like I'm just waiting to "transform" and start living authentically. What do I do? How do I get over these feelings? I'm so sick of feeling stuck.
Anonymous 111968
Yes, it's not internalised misogyny, you just have the Men living free in your mind - you know that quote how you can be feminist but still have your own man /seeing/ every move you do, I forgot. Anyway, can you stand naked in your room without feeling like "people" might jump at you and you have to cover?
Anonymous 111969
>>111968I like and know the quote you're talking about, something about an internal voyeur, I think. I feel pretty fine naked actually. When I'm at my mom's house (only us two), I often walk from the shower to my bedroom across the hall with the towel only on my waist. I mostly feel that "weirded out" feeling when I accidentally touch my chest and less so when I see my actual breasts. It actually almost feels weirder when I can see them from under a shirt as opposed to bare chested.
I'm not very cautious or fearful about men in general (although statistically, I probably should be).
Anonymous 111980
>>111968That idea was initially discussed in "The Second Sex", a highly recommended 1st wave feminist text.
Anonymous 111990
>>111980I read that in high school, loved it. I read a lot of good feminist literature in part as an attempt to get over my desire not to be female.
Anonymous 112019
I honestly don't think about my gender when I'm just alone in my body. Going from your example, if my arm grazes my boob reaching for something, I think nothing of it. Just like I don't give thought to feeling one leg on the other when I cross them.
Have you tried journaling to work through your hangups with your body? Having your thoughts written down might also be usegul if you decide to see a professional in the future.
