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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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advice on getting past grief? Anonymous 112468

about 3 years ago my dad passed away and ive been on a downward spiral ever since.

i feel pathetic knowing im so deeply affected years later, and seeing everyone move on with their lives. no one seems to be as bothered as i am, even my mother has a new boyfriend whom she spends more time with than my siblings n i.
i didnt grow up with many friends, neither do i have many now, but my dad was always there for me to keep me company & i was really close with him.
him passing away completely threw me for a loop and made me feel completely lost in life :( i have no idea wtaf im doing
i projected most of my grief & attachment onto my ex & after breakup from our toxic relationship, i have no motivation to live & i left school to become a shut in NEET—even avoiding close friends irl
im unhappy with myself and i feel pathetic, i want to be unbothered like everyone else. my mom tells me i’ve had my time to be upset & my ex said that im worthless if i dont allow myself to get over my fathers death soon

how do i cope nonas? how do i get my life back onto track? :c please give me any small or big advice any of u have

Anonymous 112471

You need to live a (meaningful) life again. You're wallowing in grief because you've got nothing else in your life to spend (mental) energy on. Go back to school or find a job, that'll snowball into other things in your life.

Anonymous 112485

homie just find a job that doesnt suck ass while u still can afford to, having gone through something simular i can tell you the time spent on other things will inevitably help you come to appreciate the time that you had, what went wrong etc. when your idling you will become more neurotic, just still plan for the future but like in bite sizrd chunks.

Anonymous 112487

also be nice thats the only way to like get over yourself is to be kind to others bc life is shit and its good to be a good person

Anonymous 112488

I feel for you. I can’t relate to the father dying because I would pop a bottle of mine died. But my best friend died a couple years ago and it affected me deeply and still till this day. We were really close and had similar traumatic life experiences and she was truly the only person that really understood me ,prior to her death things got really messy. She took her own life and it absolutely destroyed me.
I will never forget her and it still hurts, I still cry and think about her a lot, this helped me a lot though- grief is like a large rock to begin with, heavy to carry around, and each year it gets smaller and smaller, as the rock gets lighter it becomes easier to carry until it’s a pebble that you keep in your pocket, and occasionally you will remember they are still with you and think of the good times <3
Another thing that has helped me is to accept that I’m not the same person I was before this happened, a bit more heartbroken but it’s okay you learn to carry it. Just put one foot in front of the other. Also fck everyone telling you to be a certain way if you want to be sad you can be sad and when you chose that you want a different life you will do it when you are ready. I’ve had periods where I’ve been l completely lost. Make a Pinterest board. Take one day at a time. It’s okay to rest and be lost for a bit. Focus on the really simple things like waking up at a certain time every day, getting a bit of exercise, good nutrition, idk I find cooking helps me get back on track, limit your screen time a bit, but if you can’t do that dw just try again the next day! Do not drink or take any substances!!! It does not help. And if you are struggling to live, carry on out of spite of your enemies or anyone who’s ever hurt you. Why should you not have a great life? Gratitude journals are great and journaling your feelings. Stay strong. I’m sure your dad would want you to be living your best life!

Anonymous 112493

>i left school to become a shut in NEET—even avoiding close friends irl

I never got this move - if you're lonely, why do you like self isolating? I'm asking because I'm also horribly lonely but have a stable job I like and my own house, so if I could learn to enjoy being basically isolated that'd be a super attainable goal. I don't want to be a psuedo-hikki but the way my life seems to be shaping up seems to really want me to be. What's the appeal?

Also, re your original question, this isn't going to be consoling but my old phd supervisor is still grieving his dead wife 20 years and a new marriage (with adopted kids) later. Dude's so mentally ill he was institutionalized shortly after I graduated. He has treatment-resistant bipolar though.

Anonymous 112496


Try to focus on all the good memories you have on him and realize that doing so is a form of keeping his memory alive. Use this to summon the strength to be the kind of person he raised you to be, the kind of person you know you're capable of being. Honor his memory by loving yourself the way he loved you. Think of how he would feel seeing you destroy yourself, and know that he would want you to reach out to your close friends, work hard and make something of yourself. You are made up of half of your father, give yourself at least half of the love you still have for him. You are his legacy, act like it. Remember that not everyone has the luxury of having had a father worth grieving over.

Anonymous 112508

im not the poster but heres my story, i lost my job i had for a long time (i was proud of my job) and my roommates were absolutely horrible like worst of the worst, i then had to move back with relatives, my gf broke up with me and i really didnt want to do anything at all i was super duper depressed ontop of normal super duper depression, i thought the same thing at one point then it happened to me.

it sounds kinda gay im not trying to vent im trying to explain the situation that created the fatalistic seditary mindset.

as for the poster, your friends and family love you, relationships are a 2 way street, make sure they know you want space and dont keep them on the back burner, even if its cringe you have to explain it maybe they have some insight.

you are the prisoner and the jailor, as for loneliness i will branch out of topic and say that personally ive found the best way to deal with it is to accept the reality that lots of people die alone, in the cemetary there are "single" plots places where people die and they do not have a significant other, it is not sad it is not unhealthy, it is reality, you will probably die alone, will you be with someone for a while? maybe; what you can do is look, that might change things for a while, and while your looking might as well try and not be shitty, boring, or horrid as a person not for someone else but yourself because youre the one thats going into the ground eventually, and youre going to have to live with yourself up until that point.

let the dead bury the dead

Anonymous 112510

You never get over the lost of a loved one. You just learn to live with it.

Anonymous 112511

That's not true. Time makes memories fuzzy, softens emotions until eventually you're fine again.

Anonymous 112525

I'm in the same position after losing my husband and unborn children. Really really really hope I die very soon. I have no advice, it's fucking awful.

Anonymous 112607

>No matter how sad or angry you are, it's not going to bring this person back.
>This person would want you to be happy and move on, not let the sadness destroy your life. Move on for them, no reason to feel guilty about it either since it's what they would want.
>Everyone dies eventually, so you have to learn to be strong and live on your own, both for your own sake and to support others. You can become what that person was to you, for someone else.
Some things I tell myself. Most of the people who supported me growing up are gone now, so I don't have much of a choice. It's either kms or learn to be strong on my own, and I chose not to kms no matter what because it's not what they would have wanted.

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