/feels/ - Advice & Venting

When I was in my early teens, I lived down the street from a cute guy. Very tall, skinny, feminine face- not even close to conventionally attractive but my god, I loved him.

I found out he lived close to me after getting put in the PHP program for wanting to die because my home life was tragic at best. PHP was a program where you only did half days at school, and the other half you were at a hospital program for teens. I nearly shit myself when I walked in and found out he was already in that program. I thought he was just out sick.

He made a joke about not being surprised to see me there. It made me feel better somehow. I learned he lived 3 streets down from me (!!!). I never knew that, I hated the bus, because one girl kept throwing my manga out the window and dumping water and perfume on me. Spoiler alert, she bullied me for liking anime, and now she’s a porn star who got “famous” for her cosplay porn. Such is life. I ended up just taking a shit ton of tramadol and ambien in 7th period most days so I could tolerate the extremely long walk home and forget most of it because I’m lazy as fuck and the idea of exerting energy makes me want to sleep.

We started hanging out occasionally. We hung out even more frequently the summer before school started. I had never, ever felt that kind of attraction to anyone, and I still haven’t to this day. His dad was a mean son of a bitch, but was less mean when I was there for posterity. My dad never noticed I was gone so I was allowed to be anywhere, anytime. So, I would go over to his house often and he and I would sit in the backyard, shoulder to shoulder, and we would just talk and talk about anything and everything and he would show me funny YouTube videos on his phone. I mean, full shoulder to arm contact. His weight on mine. TMI but I would get really wet when he did that and always had to change my underwear when I got home, it was completely subconscious.

This went on for a while until the next school year started andI got expelled. Small town, pretty sure his dad found out, most people did. It was for sharing pills. It was really stupid on my behalf. No cell phone and dad often used the internet money for vodka so, rarely did I have contact means outside of being face to face. I would knock on his door occasionally but there would either be no answer or his dad would say he’s grounded. Again, his dad was an abusive bastard, just like mine.

Years later and I get the urge to check up on him and now he’s single. Got married, had a kid, got divorced. Ex wife seems like a shitty person and I don’t say that just because I miss him, she really just seems like an asshole.

I realize now had I said something there’s a small chance we could have been a thing but I was too shy, self conscious, scared, I’m a solid and effortless 4 at best, I had no self worth and I lived with a puritanical sex pest porn addict for a father who called me a whore any time I mentioned I had a male friend so I had that emotional barrier on top of it. There was zero chance I would ever ask, and I think he felt the same. Just low worth. Fuck, man. That could have been me, but now I’m just closing in on 30 having made no real meaningful connections in life.