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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Want to die young Anonymous 114963

I want to die young but I can't commit suicide because of religious reasons and because I'm a coward, did attempt when I was less religious and I was never strong enough to do it. Ever since I found out people in heaven are roughly middle aged versions of themselves I've been more in a rush to do it soon. I'll be 22 in a few weeks, and I can't imagine being any older than this. I've had this mindset since I was 14. Every year I'd tell myself if I die at 14 I'll forever be 14, at 15, I'll forever be 15, at 16, I'll forever be 16, etc… dead people don't age in the memory of others, I hate the idea of growing up, growing out of my body, when I hit puberty and got my first period I wouldn't stop crying about it for weeks, same for when I wore my first bra, when I first noticed hair on my body, all the things changing, everything felt like a change my soul vehemently opposed and despised but that was infuriatingly out of my control. I fundamentally hate my body and hate it more each day. I envy every person I hear died, whether it be relatives or neighbors and even friends, in highschool two girls I distantly knew passed away, and I couldn't stop obsessing about their deaths, even after attending their funerals and seeing the grief that struck their parents, one died of anorexia and the other of cancer, it was sort of a humbling grounding experience to see how death affects others around us, I'm closely acquainted with death, my father has had near life ending experiences twice, and each time I felt horribly guilty about the sense of calm and envy that gripped me in the midst of it. I wished it was me, I wish I was terminally ill to die, I lost an online friend to brain cancer months ago and I still go back and read our messages and each time it doesn't make me feel guilty for “squandering” the gift of life, it makes me feel bad that she, someone who clearly wanted to live, got to die and I continue to live. We bonded over mental health problems, her parents were absent alcoholics and we repeatedly shared our wishes to commit suicide when we were younger, back before she was diagnosed, but as fast as the finality of death hit her, she changed and became more hopeful to live despite it all, almost spiteful. I wished it could have been me and not her, i don't want to live, I can't believe I have to wait 60, 70 more years before I'm finally free, I want it to be over already, there's nothing that could make me want to live or enjoy life, I would choose dying over living my most perfect life any day, if only I had the choice. It used to make me feel guilty and selfish but each year the morality of it all eludes me and I only continue to wish I was dead or dying, doesn't matter how slow or painful, I wish it was me who got into that accident and not my dad, wish I was the one to die of cancer not my friends, wish it was me that had life threatening anorexia and not that girl in my highschool

Anonymous 114965

What a selfish bitch you are, drowning in a victim complex over a basic fact of life every living breathing organism has to deal with. Why don’t you worry about being of value to others instead, God doesn’t give eternal life to people who live in woe their whole lives anyways
Then again you’re not here to get better, you just wanted to feel validated and special, otherwise you would’ve fixed such a simple “problem” a long time ago

Anonymous 114967

Firstly, there’s no guarantee that you will die at 60 or 70. You could die next year or 5 years from now.

Regardless, the objective situation is that you wish you were dead and you aren’t. And you wish you could take your life, but you can’t. So essentially you’ll have to live until God or the universe or your own body decides it’s time for you to go. The simple fact is that you’re alive now and you’ll have a whole eternity to be dead. So what do you want to do with that? You can choose to spend the rest of your remaining time wishing you were dead and envying other people or you could choose to spend that time another way. You don’t have to love being alive, but spending the rest of your life wishing you were dead when it’s guaranteed that you’ll die sounds like a waste of time.

Anonymous 114975

No I actually agree with you, I am selfish and disgusting and I hate thinking like this and I did not post this looking for validation or consolation but just to get my thoughts somewhere outside my head, that's it. the fact of the matter is, you're not gonna tell me something I don't already know and believe in, regarding what this worldview makes me, and I DO want to get better, but your own assumptions are too thick for my simple words to dissuade you
>Why don’t you worry about being of value to others instead
Again, another assumption. If my post makes it seem like all I do is bedrot and wallow in my misery, then let me clarify that isn't the case at all
I know that, but I don't care that it's a "waste of time". Because essentially all I'm doing with this life is wasting time waiting until my body expires, that's it, so the least of my concerns is "missing out" on the "one life we have", I didn't ask to be born and I wouldn't have chosen to be created had I been given the choice, it's entirely irrelevant to me, I'm apathetic to life's existence and potentials besides its end

Anonymous 114976

>I hate thinking like this
Everyone I’ve ever heard say this is a massive liar, you included.
All you have to do is not think like that. It’s that simple. That you don’t entirely means you prefer thinking like that and you should stop pretending otherwise. That or you just believe you’re right and everyone’s stupid for not seeing things as you do.
You’re going to spend the rest of this thread dismissing the advice of others like you already have, acting like a defense attorney for your own ridiculous mindset that causes you “pain” every day, as if it has unique value worth clinging to. You’re going to deny every single bit of logic and reason simply so you can keep holding on to your super special identity and keep believing youre right and everyones wrong and your problem is incurable and worthy of pity because god forbid you think outside your comfort zone. Your way of looking at the world is completely retarded and a waste of your potential, I am disgusted that people as decadent as yourself are even allowed to keep masturbating like this, while there’s others enduring real pain and suffering just to get food and a roof over their heads. A complete waste and an insult to the people you pretend to feel sorry for, those who wanted to live.

Anonymous 114980

Lol, as I expected you presume too much and you inability to fathom something outside your experienced norm is enough indication that you're not smart enough for me to give a damn about your opinion, idgaf if you don't believe me, but it's not as easy as "just don't think about it lol!" "Just don't he suicidal lol!"
You don't even deserve me reading the rest of your reply, you must be a terrible insufferable old hag literally

Anonymous 114984

Yeah that’s fair. If it everything else feels like a waste of time anyway then I suppose it doesn’t matter if you spend all your time thinking about whether you want to die or not. I’m sure there will be likeminded people on here to commiserate with you. I used to think about wanting to die all the time. I still wouldn’t mind if I died tomorrow, but it doesn’t seem to occupy my brain that much anymore and now I do enjoy my life while also looking forward to death.

Anonymous 114998

go to ukraine, join the military as a foreign volunteer and die on the frontline. it's easier now than ever.

Anonymous 115001

I actually considered doing it in the first few months of the war

Anonymous 115009

Can you do that if you're a woman? Is it still an option kek

Anonymous 115013

Get help. Unironically. You don't have to live this way.

Anonymous 115021

I understand how you feel all too well. I used to be like that, envying those who died early.
The thing that helped me though is that I realized death is always an option. If things ever get way too difficult, there is an escape. As grim as that sounds, it helped me feel at peace. There's a lot of things I don't enjoy in my life, but I wouldn't say it's intolerable. I just take it day-by-day and enjoy what I can.

There's no need to rush into death. Focus on what you have here and now and don't even think about the end, I'm sure your life isn't as bad as you think.

Anonymous 115023

It's really not that my life is bad, it's been and up and down for as long as I can remember, certainly more tragic than the average childhood but currently I'm in a stable barely afloat spot that wouldn't make anyone suicidal. And I can't really relate to the idea that "death will always be there" for me anymore, because suicide is totally ruled out of the equation. Back when it was an idea I often flirted with, I give you that, it was a comforting thought. Now, I know my death isn't in my own hand whatsoever and it's a total RNG when I'm going to do, I want it to be as soon as possible, as soon as tomorrow or the next hour.

Anonymous 115218

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