Home is a mess since I left Anonymous 115585
I graduated highschool back in June. I didnt really have any plans for higher education. I considered starting as a patient care tech, but realized I would be terrible at it.
I didnt want to do anything.
I mostly bummed around for a month and applied to a few places, with pretty much no success.
My parents were really pissed and my dad ended up telling me that if I wouldnt go to school, I would have to pay him rent to continue living there.
Aside from that, home had been stressful most of my childhood with a lot of fighting and turbulence. It was still a stressful place to live with a lot of tension and fights between everyone.
It really pissed me off when my dad did this, because i did not want to live there (ive been fantasizing about moving out since I was a young child) and the only reason I hadnt left was because I didnt want to upset my parents by leaving. I had discussed at length moving in with my LDR bf of 2.5 years many times in the past, but I decided not to because I was worried about hurting my parents.
So hearing my dad tell me I had to start paying to live somewhere I didnt want to or need to be in the first place finally pushed me over the edge I guess. It wasnt just my dad, my mom and my 13 yo brother both told me to get out at some point, albeit usually said in anger but still.
So I packed my shit in trash bags, and a month ago I left, moved halfway across the country. I left without telling anyone until it was time to go, and its a long story but there was a lot of screaming and drama that still makes me sick to remember. I didnt tell anyone because I knew they wouldnt approve and I couldnt cope with the fighting until I absolutely had to, but I guess that just made it all worse for everyone.
The past month of my life has been one of the happiest times of my life. Ive enjoyed being with my boyfriend, I have enjoyed the peace and independence, I have enjoyed living in my own quiet space. Its a pretty comfy life, we dont live lavishly or anything, but we make all our bills and he makes enough so I only have to work part time (though I am still looking for full time positions).
I feel so lucky and spoiled with him.
When I left my family was really shocked and worried thinking my LDR bf was going to hurt me etc. and my mom was upset the most amd kept begging me to come back. She and my grandma visited my new place about 2 weeks after I moved. My grandma ended up loving my bf and being happy for me. My mom asked if I wanted to come back with them. I said no and that I was happy. She said she can tell I am happier amd feels bad home made me so miserable.
I felt bad when she said that because I feel like its unfair to blame my family so much when maybe I just needed breathing room. And I was also part of the problem, and contributed to all the toxicity and misery there.
Plus I wasnt really miserable, just stressed I guess.
Well I talk to my mom every day and have heard its been hard at home with fights and stuff, and my moms own mental illness has been taking a toll on her.
I am now visiting home for a week. I didnt want to go mostly because I was gonna miss my bf, but I also wanted to see my family who I left on bad terms and in that sense I was looking forward to it. My mom and 5 year old sister were excited to see me, and I spent most of the day taking my little sister to places, to the park, on errands, to our grandparents, to get toys etc.
Other than that, my brother refuses to talk to me, look at me, or acknowledge my existence for the most part. My dad has been nice I guess. I think he gets why I left now, maybe. He asked "hows (the state I moved)"
"better than here"
"ill bet."
The issue came up of where I would sleep, and I ended up saying I would just stay with my grandparents so I could sleep more (I had been up 30 hours at that point) without noise and my sister took my old bed anyway. My mom lost her shit and started blaming my dad for pressing the issue of where I would sleep, and a screaming match ensued (not the first one since I had been home). My dad informed me shed been like that for weeks, blaming everyone for driving me away and screaming and unstable. My dad said he didnt blame me for wanting to stay at my grandmas.
I went to my grandmas to sleep and have been here since. My mom texted me saying she was sorry nothing here had changed and that my visit wasnt like she had wanted it to be.
Anyway I feel really guilty for the mess I left behind, but visiting has kind of reinforced my reason for leaving. I just feel like trash all around and wish I could make it better.
