/feels/ - Advice & Venting

im a mid 20s woman with a lot of weird health problems that make it difficult for me to work full time and survive fully independently

have no living family left or soft place to land, moved to a new country for university years ago, tried very hard to improve my situation.

Been with the same guy for over 5 years, over time it's gotten progressively worse. bf knows I have nowhere else to go and holds this fact over my head, said before no one else would put up with me, clearly resentful and hates that I'm disabled/not improving health and energy wise

His family hates me for being autistic and views me as a burden. at times he can be very caring and the rest is very toxic, he has very online views and is obsessed with the concept of "emasculation" and incel ideas about sex.

about a year ago i had a very traumatic abdominal surgery due to potentially cancerous tumors in my reproductive organs, affected my libido. How I was treated and yelled at afterwards for needing care and 'complaining' also made me lose a lot of sexual attraction. I almost lost both ovaries from the procedure and have scar tissue.

even if i will do sexual acts for him, it's never enough because I'm not a perpetually horny coomer like he is and I can't really do much PIV sex now without pain. I do care about him but to men like this unless you're head over heels horny you don't love anyone.

I'm completely miserable and everyone views me as a terrible person for not leaving when i have nowhere else to go and currently can not work enough hours to live alone or stay in my country where everything i know is. friends won't help me.

i have a history of sexual abuse from a young age, my family was also verbally and physically abusive. it feels like my entire life i will just be a sex object for men and when i stop being useful sexually I'm the scum of the earth, "using" a man, and secretly want to fuck chads or whatever.

Eventually i will probably rope