PTSD n' cPTSD friends Anonymous 116021
How are you holding up at the moment? And which are your methods to cope?
Please give me some advice.
TL;DR: crying not being able to cope, alone
I'm not going to mention anything directly, but probably my wording will be quite "heavy" for thoughts, still trigger warning, emotional venting.
Is tiring having to remember everything over and over again, even if I'm distracting myself, washing dishes, showering, doing exercise, talking with someone, a song, etc etc it reminds me anything. Its hard, so hard to focus or do something relaxed while having this "echoed" images getting in my head and can't stop them.
I'm afraid to go to therapy since whenever I go, I end up worse than before, since I have no one to hug or get comfort after a heavy session (I live alone and by myself, years alone), not having support other than internet friends just hurts to the core, deep inside wishing for a hug IRL. Human physical interaction is something that you crave even more if you don't take a step outside, and unfortunately since working remote doesn't give you the courage to keep going out or eating healthy, is hard to keep a decent lifestyle, even more when you're diagnosed with so many things.
Always thought I'd grow out of it, but is still there, all the scenes, all the shame coming over and over for things I just "didn't know" back then, so many things and not being capable to do anything.
Feelings aren't that heavy anymore since I'm medicated, but it doesn't help the thoughts, even more since I'm the loneliest person I know, no family, no friends, just my pets and myself.
Everyday feels the same, holidays, weekends, looking at at the calendar just to realize that'd been months, weeks while I felt it was yesterday that I did X thing… Sleep, wake-up, eat, work, eat, work and go to sleep, same ol' story everyday.Sleep, wake-up, eat, work, eat, work and go to sleep, same ol' story everyday, being "functional", even if its just that is exhausting.
Unique thing that makes things fun is daydreaming and talking to myself.
I'm not suicidal, I don't want to do anything bad, I'd never ever done self-harm, I "love" (somehow) myself enough to keep living, but man, is so tiring, so tiring having to live with shame and hopelessness knowing that life is like this, sometimes wondering why I should buy a house or an apartment if I'm going to die eventually with no one around to even receive it, goals make no sense, feeling off inside but not having the "passion" enough to think about ending it either, perhaps I'm just a coward.
With the worst coping mechanism that is eating, eating anything, not feeling full at all, barely moving, just siting all day in my room, the thought of going outside knowing is just me walking while having these thoughts, is boring, wanting to lose weight to be healthy but kinda thinking its "pointless" at the same time.
Sincerely thinking about it, binging probably will end this faster, so feeling pleasure while knowing makes it ok.
I don't want a boyfriend or a husband, I don't feel the need, I'm not sexually attracted to anything, I don't want to be attractive to anyone, I don't want that attention but sometimes feeling that it'd be easier to make friends if I were "prettier", fighting against the thoughts of "I should be feminine" against the "way I think is clearly something else", not fitting, feeling out of place, dissociated and not being able to comprehend things, I can't run away from things that make me sad, like family talking, happy things, childhood memories and hobbies, human things, normal things. I tried so many things all these years and somehow end up with nothing, how many times I have to try to change something? I can't accept this loneliness sometimes, it feels so unfair.
Not being able to share these things, people can't handle things bigger than their own problems, they just look at you with pity in their eyes.
Is not the same feeling alone than actually knowing that you are truly alone, the only thoughts about suicide this year were a few but, all of them end up in people finding out I did due to the rotten smell coming from the apartment, no one checking, no calls or anything.
There are times where I miss the abuse, the only thing that kept me feeling alive was hoping for a future where everything was ok, and now that everything is ok, it just doesn't feel right at all, no more flight/fight response, just me dealing with the shit others did on me, fawning for protection or love, just to be this lonely.
Is not easy, it isn't easy at all but I'll keep going, after all there's nothing else I can do other than this.
Numb enough to not being able to cry at all, I miss feeling that chest pain that comes when you're super sad or depressed.
Anonymous 116075
>>116021hey nona.
I want to say that i understand where you are coming from. I want to share you a bit of my own story and how im coping with it now.
my father took out a lot of his anger on me, he would hit me a lot when i was younger often for things that made 0 sense and for things that were small. As I got older he stopped but moved on to more mental and psychological yelling screaming hour long interrogations getting shit thrown at me etc theres a lot more i can say. Having all of this repeatedly happen and knowing it was wrong but having trouble making sense of all of the good things my dad were able to do at the same time made me constantly yearn and fantasize towards better things because I knew it was possible. I knew you could live a normal life with no fears and anxieties and in no way was this ok. So i yearned and yearned…
I met my bf 3 years ago, and after a year of dating i immediately moved in with him to a whole different state and I haven't spoken to my father since
being with my bf has been very helpful he has been very patient and understanding, but overall living "on my own" for the first time was awful. I was very depressed and my prior ruminations would start being paired with more CPTSD symptoms. Im still so new into living more independently away from it all, but it was so difficult going to uni and looking around and seeing everyone mind their own business while I am distressed and paranoid. I have only have only heard Soldiers talk about this feeling well but they talk about going back to normal society and the comradarie and the trials and terrors are gone are replaced with normal interactions. And sometimes they would seek out the same adrenaline war gives them. I sometimes feel like I miss being at home and being abused because it was the only way of living I knew. I learned how to work around it, what to expect, and silence was deadlier than anything. Being in Silence only makes me wait for what to come and my nervous system just feels stuck and not having something at explode at you feels like an itch not being scratched.
I have been in counseling via services my school provides, and I just feel a bit at a lost especially since my therapist feels at a lost for words at my own history. To her credit, she doesn't use CBT on me but tries to help me reach simple goals such as making the effort to breathe and go outside and handle outdoor places better. I feel like im already very active in trying to just live, i dont feel like I am completely independent. I have just concluded that letting time pass and allowing me to be settled into a boring routine where I can forget my past is the best way to go. Of course, I plan on fitting outings, my hobbies and interests in there and I have a goal in mind for me to work in an environment where I can be enriched… I just dont want something exciting or out of the ordinary I just want a normal ass life!!!!
I will say, along with CPTSD and other neurodivergencies, there are some days where I wish I had a vice to go off on. I sometimes wish I had a drug addiction or something else to allow me to forget… I wish i could hurt myself sometimes or even go as far as killing myself… being out of control scares me a lot though and I never had courage to do any sort of harm I try to use healthier means of coping with weird past feelings and memories coming back and clashing with present overloads and worries. Honest to God, I dont have any sort of concrete ways of helping myself they are more like very dumb stupid things that I have convinced myself to live for, such as for the pleasure of creating art, for my loved ones, playing video games (especially pikmin bloom), learning more about the arts and exploring new places and experiencing my favorite types of weather. I guess i try to find pleasure and glory in just living and the healing that such small things can provide, i try to get more lost in its wonder and really allow myself to be as foolishly invested as I can, because its only in this living life can we be so foolishly invested in small fleeting things. Appreciating the things that will eventually leave is my Heaven and Hell and I will take that with me to the grave and no man will ever rob me or my future kin of that.
I hope this is reassuring, I would really also love to extend my hand toward you and if you do want to talk i can post a throwaway email. Good luck to you nona.
